NFW Reloaded: 02

(MUSICUP: "Pistol of Fire" – Kings of Leon)

(FADEIN: OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA, N. Broadway Ave. An ambulance is speeding down the avenue as cars pull off to the side of the road. The red sirens swirl and blare through the midnight…)

Pistol of fire,
Pistol of fire…

(CUTTO: ROOK BLACK walking up to the roofed steel cage, looking around with nigh an expression on his face. CUTTO: DOC CURIOSITY surveying the cage with an awed look and big gulp…)

Pistol of fire,
Shattered the frame…

(CUTTO: DAN RYAN raising his arms in the air as fireworks explode around the gantry area and FRONTIERtron. CUTTO: BLOODHUNT getting his boots checked in the ring…CUTTO: The emergency ambulance swerving down NW 10th Street in OKCITY, where a huge blue sign for ST. ANTHONY HOSPITAL is focused on by the camera… )

Go hug your sister,
Go love your sister…

(CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER holding up the NFW World Heavyweight Championship as LAMONT HOLLYWOOD looks at him nervously. CUTTO: DAN RYAN nailing BLOODHUNT with a right hand! CUTTO: ROOK BLACK scraping DOC CURIOSITY’s face across the cage!)

Go hug your sister,
One and the same…

(CUTTO: CASTOR STRIFE walking around with the Television Championship draped over his shoulder, BLANCHE BARRET close-by on his right. CUTTO: CURIOSITY with a battering ram on BLACK into the cage! CUTTO: A young buck in gold and black wrestling trunks hitting a chopblock on CHARLIE CROWE!)

Hiiiiiiiiiiiigher, where did you want to take me?

(QUICK CUTTO’s: CROWE looking up at the lights from his back in a daze, his eyes rapidly blinking… RYAN with a huge slam on BLOODHUNT! STRIFE frothing out the mouth, screaming at the camera!)

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigher, where did you want to go?

(QUICK CUTTO’s: The ambulance pulling into the emergency room lane as it approaches the hospital… CURIOSITY on the top turnbuckles, woozily trying to keep his balance! BLACK trying to scale the cage, screaming at his troops to do the same!)

Hiiiiiiiiigher, grabbing up the money it's coming

(QUICK CUTTO’s: The ambulance pulling to a stop as medics rush through the automatic doors of the ER towards the vehicle. BLACK and CURIOSITY, bloodied and lying on their backs as the referee makes a standing ten count! RYAN walking towards the camera as BLOODHUNT writhes on the mat in pain, RYAN smiles like a shark…)

Hiiiiiiiigher, coming home before the rooster crow

(CUTTO: CALVIN CARLTON getting his tennis racket ripped out of his hands by JOE THE PLUMBER! CUTTO: ROOK BLACK pulling himself up to a seated position, his head lolling as DOC CURIOSITY charges in towards him! CUTTO: DORCHESTER STRATTON looking on in shock as there’s a frenzy in the ring, the HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW stomping on a screaming JOE THE PLUMBER!)

(MUSIC CUT.)

(CUTTO: Medics pulling out a stretcher out of the ambulance as an unidentifiable man thrashes violently and screams obscenities that are continually getting the "BLEEP!" from the censors. The man’s head is entirely wrapped in medical tape and handtowels…finally, something can be identified. Three letters on his wrist tape, as he tries choking a medic. "I CAN’T SEEEEEEEEEEEE! UGHHHHHHHHHHHN! I CAN’T (BLEEP!)IN’ SEE THE WORLD! JOE CAN’T SEE THE WORLD!" And then…the screen goes to a FADEOUT.)

(FADEIN: LIVE! FORD CENTER! OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA!)

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEER! BOOOOOOOOOM! KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron – where a bevy of red and white fireworks explode above in the rafters! CUTTO: Sparks shooting out from the hanging ROOFED STEEL CAGE being utilized for the National Championship main event! WIRE-CAM CUTTO: Fans jumping up and down as spotlights swirl up, down and all around them. In age-old traditions of typographical expressions within the FWrestling Universe, we now present you with your signs of the night: "LEBRON’S SIGNING WITH NEW FRONTIER!" "JOE COULD FIX THE GULF WITH DUCT TAPE AND A PLUNGER!" "DOC’S going to wear a MAGNETO helmet!" "ROOK BLACK’s existentialist middle finger at the modern conventions of the wrestling business is both pedantic and erotic!")

O’CONNOR: "YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE! AT THE FORD CENTER IN OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA! Home of the NBA’s Thunder and quite possibly after what we all just witnessed, possibly the most HEINOUS action ever taken on NFW cameras! And may I remind you of what happened in Mexico with Joey Melton and Troy Windham five years ago…"

(CUTTO: Ringside – KERRY O’CONNOR is holding his microphone with a grim look on his face. Standing next to him with a polar opposite loan shark’s grin is LAMONT HOLLYWOOD. O’CONNOR is wearing his typical khaki and blue blazer combo, while H’WOOD is rocking a white Bermuda button down, white pants and gold sunglasses.)

O’CONNOR: What you saw to open the show is just a precursor to what we’ve witnessed over the last two hours. As we head into this third hour, we will look back at this show as the possible COMPLETE and ABJECT DEMISE of our NFW World Champion at the hands of DYNASTY and specially, DORCHESTER STRATTON. (LOUD BOOS! Trash starts flying past the camera!) We’ve got about thirty minutes to recap everything that’s gone on, but before we start the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP ROOFED STEEL CAGE MAIN EVENT…I promise you fans, PLEASE stay tuned up until the end of the show. NFW World Champion, JOE THE PLUMBER has been driven to the nearest EMERGENCY ROOM and we don’t know much more than…it was the hands of my colleague’s son, his tag team partner, manager and DYNASTY associates that did this to JTP on the HOLLYWOOD’S ON FIRE set."

(H’WOOD mocks a tipping of the cap and smiles brightly, fans now LOUDLY BOOING. H’WOOD swats away a beer cup and his demeanor changes immediately.)

H’WOOD: "Hey, you FAT (BLEEP!) GET SECURITY ON HIM AND HIS BACON CHEESEBURGER FACED HOSS OF A GIRLFRIEND! (MORE BOOS! MORE TRASH!) GET HIM! GET HIM!"

(CUTTO: Police pulling out fans who are thrashing in their grasp, fans start chanting "LET THEM GO! LET THEM GO!" CUTTO: H’WOOD shaking his head angrily as O’CONNOR looks at him in shock.)

O’CONNOR: "What did you think was going to happen!? YOU HELPED…YOU…JOE’S CAREER MAY BE DONE BECAUSE OF YOUR SHOW!"

H’WOOD: "And why should I be worried, Beansprouts!? Why should I care!? My son, CALVIN CARLTON…you don’t think PRESIDENT MAYFIELD won’t reward them!? YOU DON’T THINK THIS WILL CEMENT THEIR DYNASTY IN NFW!? The suits on ESEN aren’t rolling the footage right now because they know just from you opening your mouth the way you are…FANS ARE GONNA BE GLUED TO THIS SHOW. Nobody cared about ROOK. Nobody cared about DOC. DYNASTY saw the NEW FRONTIER for what it was going into this show…NOT NEWSWORTHY. We saw an administration that needed HELP in eradicating the biggest disease on this roster! (LOUD BOOS!) AND NOW, THE LANDSCAPE OF THE NEW FRONTIER CHANGES…FOR THE BETTER!"

(CUTTO: Fans frothing at the mouth, loudly cursing H’WOOD! CUTTO: Back to O’CONNOR shaking his head at H’WOOD who holds up his arms in expectant adulation, only for the jeering boos to turn to arena-wide screams and shouting!)

O’CONNOR: "Fans, I’d love to roll the clip right now…but we’re under direct orders not to do so by the President himself. It’s put a veil on the proceedings even as that cage hovers ahead… fans can’t help, and I can’t help but think about Joe the Plumber’s career-threatening condition. Three matches were scheduled for taping tonight as JACK BRYANT made his debut, BLOODHUNT and DAN RYAN squared off in a #1 contender’s match for the PURE CHAMPIONSHIP held mockingly by SEAN STEVENS. After that contender’s match, we rolled the cameras for a HOLLYWOOD’S ON FIRE that got out of hand way too soon…we all expected something was amiss. (O’CONNOR leers at H’WOOD who laughingly shrugs.) Little did we know what Lamont Hollywood…and even moreso, DORCHESTER STRATTON (H’WOOD’s nose twinges a bit in disgust) would do on the set. We’ll be right back fans with the debut of JACK BRYANT as he faces the wily veteran CHARLIE CROWE!"

(FADEOUT.)

FADE-IN: KERRY O'CONNOR and LAMONT HOLLYWOOD standing at ringside, while the ringcrew and arena workers prepare for the main event.

O’CONNOR: Alright fans, we’re back and we’ve just received word that the PRESIDENT will have an announcement before the main event in regards to next month’s lineup of shows as well as…well, HOPEFULLY an update on the World Champion, JOE THE PLUMBER.

H’WOOD: It may be the happiest moment of his life, I’m so happy I could help do that for him.

O'CONNOR: (rolling his eyes) Annnnnnnnnyway…Early in the show, the NFW faithful got a chance to see a two Southern boys - both former UWA competitors - albeit from different time periods. UWA isn’t the same fed anymore, instead a Philadelphia based independent training ground run by Avery Prosser.

HOLLYWOOD: Toothless inbreeders being cheered on by…methheads and drunk fatheads!

O'CONNOR: Nice stereotypes, Lamont.

HOLLYWOOD: (mock redneck voice) 'ey Jasper, git'n yer truck an' do sum burnouts fer YUUUTUBE! YYY-YIP.

O'CONNOR: (shaking his head) New to NFW, twenty-four year old 'The Birmingham Stallion' Jack Bryant would take on Southern Remedy's own, Charlie Crowe, in a battle between Southern brethren.

CUT-TO: CHARLIE CROWE, clad in trunks emulating the Confederate flag, yanks on the top rope as he stretches himself out in preparation of the upcoming bout.

CUE-UP: Gomez' "Where Ya Going?"

O'CONNOR (V/O): Jack Bryant, making his NFW debut, was the second man out.

CUT-TO: The black entrance curtains, which are quickly parted by the well-built JACK BRYANT. His gold and black wrestling briefs shimmer in the Ford Center lighting as the Birmingham native confidently approaches ringside. Bryant runs a calloused, workman-like hand through his moderately curly and shaggy, sandy blond hair. A confident smirk spreads across his lips as he joins Crowe inside the ring.

O'CONNOR (V/O): While Bryant may have shown the confidence of a champion as stepped into the squared circle, it was the veteran Charlie Crowe who took control early on.

CUT-TO: Crowe ducks underneath a right hand, spins Bryant around, and delivers a crushing right of his own that sends the youngster reeling into the ring cables. On his return, Bryant is met with a flying shoulder block from the elder ex-UWA star. As Jack Bryant tries to regain his senses, Crowe takes in the crowd response with raised fists.

CUT-TO: Jack Bryant slumped against the turnbuckles as Charlie Crowe works his body over with the viciousness of a pro boxer and the technique of a bar fighter. Crowe turns away from Bryant, yet again basking in the roar of the Ford Center audience.

O'CONNOR (V/O): With flashbacks of his glory days in UWA running through his head, the vet Charlie Crowe made a vital mistake in turning his back on the Birmingham Stallion.

QUICK CUT-TO: Bryant rushes from the corner and chopblocks Crowe's right knee out from under him. Enduring the negative reaction, Bryant climbs to his feet and wipes a dab of blood from his bottom lip before stomping on Crowe's knee as if it was ablaze.

O'CONNOR (V/O): As the match wore on, Crowe's age and Bryant's constant pressure began to turn the contest into a one-sided affair.

CUT-TO: Bryant hitting a pair of backbreakers - pump-handle and pendulum.

CUT-TO: The Birmingham Stallion lifting and slamming Charlie Crowe into the canvas with a Deadlift German.

O'CONNOR (V/O): In the end, it was the Southern Cross that sealed the deal.

CUT-TO: Jack Bryant locking Crowe into his version of the Sharpshooter.

QUICK CUT-TO: Crowe's face churning in agony as his hand frantically taps the NFW logo on the ring's canvas. Bryant releases the hold after the referee intervenes.

CUT-TO: O'CONNOR and HOLLYWOOD back in front of the video screen.

O'CONNOR: It was an impressive debut for the Birmingham native against a tested veteran like Crowe. Jack Bryant looks like a kid we'll have to keep our eyes on.

H'WOOD: Anybody who sends that washed up, greaseball Crowe packing is aces in my book, Kerry. Although, he loses points for not breaking his back and putting that old dog out of commission once and for all.

O’CONNOR: We’ll be right back with an earlier appearance from our Television Champion, CASTOR STRIFE!

(CUEUP: "Idioteque" by Radiohead)

(FADEIN: Rotating shot of a studio audience, every seat filled by a mannequin wearing a gas mask. Cheers and applause have been dubbed in for your convenience. The camera stops it’s rotation at the stage set, which includes a host’s podium, three guest podiums, and flashing silver light bulbs surrounding an overhead sign that reads "PAWN THAT PROSPECT")

HAL DOUGLAS V/O: From the Castor Strife Productions Studio in Hollywood, California…THIS IS…PAWN THAT PROSPECT!

(Three podiums light up to reveal the contestants)

HAL DOUGLAS V/O: Please welcome your host…the owner of Castor Strife Productions…MISTER CASTOR VEEEEE STRIFE!

(Host podium lights up to reveal CASTOR STRIFE in a gray suit, white dress shirt, no tie, top two buttons opened. His hair is tied back and his face is painted to resemble a Japanese ‘Noh Mask’, with the lips and eyes painted red, the mouth painted into a terrible expression, and the rest of the face being bright white)

CASTOR: Hello out there. I am the limited resource for which there is unlimited demand, being rationed to you in Technicolor strips and storyboard frames. Or…Castor V. Strife, Television Champion, to the layman.

(Delayed dubbed applause)

CASTOR: (Nods) Let’s meet our contestants.

HAL DOUGLAS V/O: Coming to us all the way from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, he’s a 53 year old truck driver for Labatt Breweries. Please give a WARM welcome to DOUG CAMPBELL!

(STATIC CUTTO: Painting of sickly child sitting on lap of grotesque fatman in red ‘onesy’ pajamas and jester’s hat)

HAL DOUGLAS V/O: She’s a 46 year old third grade teacher hailing from Austin, Texas. Put your hands together for Charlene Taylor!

(STATIC CUTTO: Chalk sketch of anorexic Siamese twin girls with Hitler moustaches)

HAL DOUGLAS V/O: Finally, from Fort Wayne, Indiana. He is a 32 year old engineer who also volunteers as a Scout Master and youth chili cook-off chaperone. Give a round of applause for Scooter Wiggins!

CASTOR: Avant Garde paintings are courtesy of Raffio, a government-sponsored artist living in Latin Quarter, France. This show is being taped for airing on ESEN.

DOUG: Rogers Sportsnet too, eh?

CASTOR: Not a chance. The name of the game is value trading: you will pick a prospect from the board and pawn it to me for its currency equivalent in Disney Dollars. We use Disney Dollars because it is the accepted currency at major theme parks here in California and Florida, as well as the Ukraine-to-Bangkok sex trade route. At the end of the round, the highest leveraged participant will purchase me a title contender from the prize rack. Any questions?

CHARLENE: But how do we win?!

CASTOR: Just being here makes you a winner. Shall we begin? Doug, I’ve chosen you to go first. Make your choice from the board.

(CUTTO: Longways letterboard with pictures of people and various items. Standing next to it is BLANCHE BARNETT, dressed like the slutty Vanna White)

DOUG: (squints eyes) Hmm, that looks like Dan Ryan over there on the left. I think I’ll take ‘im.

CASTOR: That is indeed Dan Ryan. Blanche, would you take him off the board? Alright Doug, pawn that prospect. How much are you thinking?

DOUG: Uhh, I’m thinkun’ he’s worth at least…I donno…80 Disney Dollars?

(SFX: Buzzer)

CASTOR: Not on his best day. A little birdie whispered in my ear and said cliché post-match powerbombs drove his value down to 47. Scooter, you’re up.

SCOOTER: I’ma take that big shiny belt there. One in the middle…

CASTOR: We have two: the CSWA Greensborough County Water District title, and the Elite Championship.

SCOOTER: Oooh, ‘ELITE’. I like the sound of that! Lemme take ‘er.

CASTOR: Elite, indeed. A title rich in history, held by such stalwarts as Wyatt Connors and Steve Knox. Pawn that prospect.

SCOOTER: I knew she was good! Gimme 69 Disneys…

(SFX: Buzzer)

CASTOR: YOU FOOL! I told you Steve Knox held it! You’ll get 10 Disney Dollars and like it. Charlene, it’s your turn.

CHARLENE: Oh boy. How ‘bout you give me that boney looking thing.

CASTOR: Blanche, be a sweetheart and tell the woman what exactly that is…

BLANCHE: This raht here is Impulse’s ver-duh-brae!

CHARLENE: Is that…is that good? Can I have it for 11?

SCOOTER: YOU B[BLEEP]!

(SFX: Buzzer)

CASTOR: Settle down, Scooter. She’s not getting 11 for it. Clearly Charlene hasn’t been watching her NFW, else she would know the horrors Impulse endured at my known hand. It wasn’t his ego I busted, but his neck I split and career I KILLED. Ran him out of town forever and ever and ever.

CHARLENE: I get 8 then?

CASTOR: You get 1. A single Disney Dollar for the vertebrae of dear Impulse. Bruce, here’s your chance to pull away with this thing.

BRUCE: I’ll take the DVD over there.

(BLANCHE holds up a DVD case, smiles and hands it to Bruce)

BRUCE: (squints at it) Oh hell, is that what I think it is? Can I choose again?

CASTOR: Be not afraid, Bruce, it is but a work of majesty. My most current film: "Tears of the Whorechild." Pawn that prospect.

BRUCE: Looks like your standard $15 DVD, eh? What’s that mean in Disney Dollars?

(SFX: Buzzer)

CASTOR: It’s anything but standard, and due to the emotional sacrifice it took to make the film, I shall give you 85 Disney Dollars. With Bruce in full command, it’s make or break for our other two contestants. Scooter, make it count.

SCOOTER: (rubbing hands together quickly) OK man, let’s do this. Gimme that picture over there; the one of the dude doin’ a splash on the other dude. YEAH, that one.

CASTOR: My oh my. What is it, Blanche?

BLANCHE: Why, it’s th’ biggest cocktease in th’ business! It’s a HORNET COMEBACK!

CASTOR: Teased whose? Surely not mine. Your bed is made, Scooter. Pawn that prospect.

SCOOTER: Damn it man, don’t do this to me! Can’t I trade the lil’ bugger for a CSWA Greensled Community College Brochure belt and two picks to be named later?

CASTOR: Afraid not, but if it puts you at ease, the combined value of said items wouldn’t put you past 30 Disney Dollars. Hornet Comeback nets you 12, and that’s the game. Charlene, it’s a game of mercy at this point. Would you still like your turn?

CHARLENE: I’ll be on my way, thank you Mr. Strife.

CASTOR: Doug, you’re our winner by a mile with a leverage of 132 Disney Dollars. Follow me over here to the prize rack where you’ll pick the next contender to my Television Title.

(CUEUP: "Idioteque" by Radiohead)

(CUTTO: HOLE-IN-ONE putting area in front of the prize rack, where BLANCHE BARNETT is holding two golf clubs. There is a 10-foot putt, with marker flags every two feet. The prize rack itself is a bunch of shelves where sit the paper mache heads of various NFW competitors. CASTOR walks up to the putting area with Doug behind him, and takes a golf club)

CASTOR: Alright Doug, here’s how it works. The 10 ft. mark represents your entire leverage- all 132 Disney Dollars. Should you putt from there, a hole-in-one will purchase the most advanced opponent your leverage can afford. At 8 ft, a 100 Disney Dollar opponent will be purchased. At 6 ft, 70 Disney Dollars; at 4 ft, 40 Disney Dollars; and at 2 ft, the easiest putt possible will purchase me an opponent equal to 10 Disney Dollars.

DOUG: I donno about this. Can’t I just shoot from the blue line?

CASTOR: Don’t be a poor sport, Doug. Here, I’ll show you how easy it is. (Turns to the crowd) Would the adoring masses like to see an inspirational putt?

(Delayed dubbed cheering)

CASTOR: Stand aside…this is easy.

(Castor sets himself; concentrates. Blanche walks onto the course and stands with her heels on each side of the hole. He putts- the ball misses, ricochets, and lands just in front of the hole. Blanche knocks it in as she leaves the course)

(Delayed dubbed cheering)

CASTOR: Child’s play, Doug. Now for the allocation of prizes! Blanche, if you’ll be so kind…

(Blanche walks up to the prize rack, and grabs the head of SEAN STEVENS. She SPIKES IT onto the 10 ft. marker. Next up: HIGH FLYER. SPIKED onto the 8 ft. marker. AMERICAN PANDA- SPIKED onto the 6 ft. marker. BROCK ALYAS- SPIKED onto the 4 ft. marker. Finally: RICH MAHOGANY. SPIKED onto the 2 ft. marker)

CASTOR: Go ahead Doug. Whose career should I end on television next?

DOUG: How ‘boot we make this simple and just putt from 2 feet, eh?

(Doug lines up at the 2 ft. marker, sets himself. Just then…THWACK!)

BLANCHE: WHAT TH’ F[BLEEP]K ARE YOU DOING?! They’re gonna kick us off TV again!

(CASTOR’s beating a helpless Doug Campbell with his golf club. THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! Inhale, exhale. THWACK! Crying- Doug is beginning to cry a little. He begs for a stoppage. THWACK! THWACK! THWACK-THWACK-THWACK-THWACK-THWACK-THWACK-THWACK repeatedly without pause. Finally Castor ends the beating. He walks toward Blanche with the club, raises it at her violently just to scare her backwards)

BLANCHE: JEEZUS CHRIST!

(CASTOR takes a swing at a studio light- sparks fly out as it hits the floor. He begins to laugh subtly to himself, taking off his suit jacket and using it to wipe the red and white ‘Noh’ makeup off his face. Readying the golf club once more, he steps in front of the markers with the paper mache heads spiked on top)

CASTOR: Do you have any idea what it takes to run a studio of this caliber?

(THWACK! To the head of Sean Stevens)

CASTOR: The vaguest clue how talented someone must be to direct high-brow European cinema while carrying the weight of this company’s television ratings?

(THWACK! To the head of High Flyer)

CASTOR: You disgusting people out there, pores STUFFED with mediocrity, lives INFECTED by banality…and you come to ME with your troubles! Every week when you press that button…

(THWACK! To the head of American Panda)

CASTOR: …you invite me into your homes to answer your prayers. "Please, Castor! PLEASE! Save us from normality! Save us from conventions and traditions and the persecution of taboo labels!"

(THWACK! To the head of Brock Alyas)

CASTOR: I’ve been censored, warned, piss tested and Mayfield approved, all in the name of an N-F-W Revolution. Let me tell you something…the Revolution was in Studio B this evening. GOD was in Studio B this evening. And he doesn’t like being second-guessed…

(THWACK! To the head of Rich Mahogany)

CASTOR: BRING ME MY BELT, PLEASE. (Blanche runs out to hand him the NFW Television Title, which he presses to his face, inhaling and exhaling before holding it to the camera) It can start with Rich Mahogany. It can continue with Brock Alyas, or High Flyer, or whoever you like. They can be originals…or they can be free agents. (Drapes the belt over his shoulder) And I will dispatch them all, neck by neck by neck…until there’s no one left. That’s when you’ll need me…and I haven’t even taken off my gloves.

They say I have a God complex. Let me tell you something…I AM God.

(Uncomfortable silence)

Alec Baldwin, "Malice." (Wide grin) URRRAH!

(Winds back, swings the golf club at the camera)

(BLACKOUT)

(FADEIN: LIVE! FORD CENTER! Ringside with H’WOOD and O’CONNOR as the ringworkers are clearing out, while fans are stomping and clapping.)

O’CONNOR: Well, if you didn’t think Castor Strife could get any stranger…any weirder or any more frightening, you were WRONG. A lot of strong words from the Television Champion, it certainly will be interesting if anyone’s willing to stand up to those words or take on the challenge to face him in the ring for a title shot. We know Rich Mahogany earned one earlier this month, but who knows what the future and more specifically the EXECUTIVE BRANCH of NFW or ESEN would be willing to throw at Strife right now.

H’WOOD: He got rid of Impulse…that should count for something, but not as much merit as eliminating a drugged out, diseased psychopath like Joe the Plumber.

(H’WOOD smiles widely, while O’CONNOR takes a deep breath and sigh.)

O’CONNOR: Before we get to the footage my colleague and the NFW audience no doubt wants to see right now…first, we’re going to go back to the match that just preceded the main event. A #1 contender’s match for the PURE CHAMPIONSHIP as BLOODHUNT and DAN RYAN waged in battle for a title that’s apparently being recognized by President Mayfield, regardless of its merit and the dubious circumstances it’s been created under. Let’s go back to earlier tonight! BLOODHUNT! THE EGO BUSTER! RELOADED!

BLAST OF STATIC!

(CUT TO: The ring, where Bloodhunt stands in the corner waiting for his opponent for the night)

SIMS: The following contest is set for one fall with a ten minute time limit! Introducing in the ring at this time, the two time NFW World Heavyweight Champion… BLOODHUNT!!

(Bloodhunt stands his ground, rolling his neck)

SIMS: And his opponent…

(CUE UP: "Zero" by the Smashing Pumpkins. The crowd LAYS into the man who steps from behind the curtain, a certain Dan Ryan. He takes it in stride, walking calmly to the ring – but as he turns to sneer at a fan, Bloodhunt is already upon him, clubbing away with right hands to the head)

O’CONNOR: I guess no introductions are needed! Bloodhunt straight on the offence, rolling Ryan into the ring.

H’WOOD: He wants to make sure this ends quickly.

O’CONNOR: He’s keeping close to Ryan, another right hand. Irish whip across the ring – and Dan Ryan knocks him over with a shoulder tackle!

H’WOOD: Come on! Do we really want Dan Ryan to be the PURE champion? When’s he ever been pure?

O’CONNOR: I won’t comment on that. Bloodhunt backing away from Ryan, gets to his feet – LARIAT!!

H’WOOD: Holy cow! He almost took his head off!

O’CONNOR: Dan’s wasting little time. Knee to the face, sends Bloodhunt off the ropes – BIG powerslam!!

One!

Two!

Kickout by Bloodhunt.

H’WOOD: But Ryan’s just smiling.

O’CONNOR: Dan Ryan yanking Bloodhunt to his feet, kick to the gut… EGO BUSTER!! Damn, he nearly bent the ring post on the first part!

One!

Two!

Three! Well, you said Bloodhunt wanted a quick match, and that’s what he got!

(SFX: bell)

SIMS: The winner… DAN… RYAN!!

BLAST OF STATIC!

(CUT TO: Back to ringside w/ H’WOOD and O’CONNOR…)

O’CONNOR: A lot quicker than expected. The fans were NOT happy about that, but thank god we had a few dark match indy tryouts that brought the house down to make up for it earlier tonight. This match makes me wonder how much Bloodhunt can be trusted as a viable contender in New Frontier…something about this didn’t smell right and we know he’s aligned with Sean Stevens already.

H’WOOD: He’s how old? How many knee surgeries? Maybe our esteemed President wanted to make sure that he had the two of the top wrestlers in New Frontier squaring off against each other, so he threw Ryan a bone.

O’CONNOR: Yeah, I can’t trust Bloodhunt, sorry. When we return…the footage you’ve all been waiting for. (H’WOOD lets out a huge smile) Joe the Plumber attacked on Hollywood’s On Fire…

(CUE UP: "Fire" by the Ohio Players.

CUT TO: A wall with the legendary HOLLYWOOD sign on it. Standing in front, wearing a white suit jacket, silk white shirt unbuttoned three buttons to show his salt-n-pepper hair, and bleached white pants is LAMONT HOLLYWOOD. Curiously, though, in front of the set, interns are setting up woodshelves, stocked with toilet plungers, rolls of toilet paper and various household cleansing agents.)

H’WOOD: Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the best night of your lives! No, this is not the night when you (points to some woman) lost your virginity on prom night to a 28-year-old convenience store clerk! No, this is not the day when you (points to some man) were placed in a debtor's prison for ETERNITY for your inability to pay a utility bill! And no, this is not the day (points to a child) when your parents decided to give you life, despite your severe mental retardation! No, ladies and gentleman, this night is great... this night is special... because once again... HOLLYWOOD'S ON FIRE...

(LAMONT steps forward and takes several bows, blowing kisses at the jeering audience.)

H’WOOD: But tonight isn't just a night to celebrate me! Oh no... tonight is a night to celebrate three people I... I consider to be FAMILY. Three people I truly love... Ladies and Gentleman... I give you... CALVIN CARLTON! (BOOO!) VERONICA ABRAMS RUMSFELD! (BOOO!) and DORCHESTER STRATTON! (BOOOOO!) LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THIS IS THREE FIFTHS OF... THE DYNASTY!!!!!!!

(CUE UP: "Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley. A pink tennis racket with a dollar sign on it peeks out first, followed by a dramatic pause. Then, finally, Calvin Carlton -- wearing a tux! -- comes out first, swinging his racket as if he's at Roland Garos, screaming about poverty at no one in particular. Veronica Abrams Rumsfeld's out next -- her well-manicured hair's up high, she's wearing a Trudy Campbell-style blue evening gown sparkling with glittery jewels, white gloves to her elbows. Calvin points to the back ("That's my boy!") and out next comes Dorchester Stratton, straight off of the set of Mad Men -- wearing a derby hat, a pressed, heavy-starched dress shirt, a brown tie with white Republican stripes, a grey suit jacket and grey slacks.)

CALVIN: Why, thank you Lamont, for inviting us out here tonight. You're a beautiful man, Lamont. A man who should be knighted for having birthed Blaine Hollywood (Lamont: "Thank you"!) with your pure seed. But while I could extol the virtues of the tag team champions of the world all night long... The Dynasty is out here tonight to extol the virtues... of ANOTHER champion. Of a man we consider to be... the TRUE World Champion. I am out here tonight to talk about our champion... JOE THE PLUMBER! Joe, if you're here tonight... please come on out to the greatest talk show in the history of professional wrestling!

H’WOOD: What?

(The crowd starts gasping as -- "Dog Sh*t" by Ol' Dirty Bastard -- plays. There's a big delay when -- to the crowd's delight -- Joe actually walks out, lets out a huge UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH that the crowd responds to in kind, holding the NFW World Championship around his shoulder as TOILET PAPER floods the Hollywood's on Fire set! Lamont looks like he's about to vomit at the thought of his set -- and clothes -- being contaminated. Joe steps up to the stage and gets right into Calvin's face. Dorchester stands behind Joe, arms folded, not looking impressed.)

CALVIN: Joe, I just want to thank you for ACCEPTING the invitation. Being a wealthy man, I'm not one to waste time. So I'm going to get right to the point, Joe. (Rumsfeld: "You'd better listen!") Joe, being the world champion means you're a wanted man. Everyone's got a target on your back. I'm not breaking any news to you. You know this. I know this. The entire world knows this. But, this time, it's DIFFERENTLY. Because, Joe... Eddie Mayfield has it in for you so badly... he's willing to DEVALUE your title like it's these people's 401K's. He's crowned Sean Stevens the so-called "PURE" World Champion. You have Dan Ryan and Bloodhunt going for THAT title as opposed to yours, Joe. Despite never being pinned as a champion... despite being a man THEY (points to the crowd, who cheer) call the greatest to ever step foot in the NFW... you've been LEFT BEHIND!

(The crowd boos as Joe readjusts the title, gripping it tighter, and crooking his neck to hear Calvin otu..)

CALVIN: Joe, you've got a lot of problems right now... and here's where I can... where I can *HELP* you... (The crowd boos as Rumsfeld nods her head in agreement. Dorchester still stands behind Calvin, arms folded, staring a hole through Joe.) Joe. I'm not going to make any bones about it. It's been my DREAM and I believe that it's my DESTINY to manage the NFW World Heavyweight Champion. Not the PURE title. Not any other world title. It's my DESTINY to manage the NFW World Heavyweight Championship. Because, Joe, I believe it's the only title belt in professional wrestling WORTH holding.

(The crowd boos once again as Dorchester tells people to "show this great man some respect!")

CALVIN: Joe... you need a man with the political power, financial genius and marketing WIZARDY to get you what you deserve. Joe... you need *ME* to guide you. Joe... you need *US* for you to be the greatest champion in the world. Joe... we're offering you an opportunity that NO ONE ELSE will have. Joe... I... am inviting you... to become a member of the most elite organization in professional sports today... I am inviting you to become... a member of... THE DYNASTY!

(The crowd erupts in BOOOOOOOOOOOOS. Joe smirks.)

DORCHESTER: Joe, let me -- (DC SUCKS! DC SUCKS!) Joe, let me explain to you what Calvin MEANS by this. You see, Joe, despite my fine-tailored suits, my penthouse apartments and... (He grabs Veronica's hips...) the most beautiful woman ever born... my shmoopie Veronica Abrams Rumsfeld... (Veronica steps forward as Dorchester grabs her by her hand, looking her up and down... and then they embrace in a long, passionate, sloppy wet kiss. The crowd boos as Joe looks on in disgust. Hollywood starts clapping. "TRUE LOVE! HE FOUND TRUE LOVE!" He then rips his face from Rumsfeld's mouth.) Despite alllll this, Joe... I'm actually LOT like you. Joe... I grew up a poor kid with a big dream in the Lehigh Valley, watching my uncle who raised me come home every night from his job... AS A PLUMBER. All day long, Joe, he was reaching into pipes cleaning out people's fecal matter. He was tightening screws so people with more money than he had could have proper water pressure when they took a 30-minute shower. My uncle... he slaved away at a job he hated... hoping that he could be someone else. Hoping that he could be BETTER. But, Joe... guess what? My uncle DIDN'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES... to pull himself up by his bootstraps.

(The crowd boos loudly as Joe says 'WHAT DO YOU WANT'?)

DORCHESTER: Joe, I knew that I was BETTER than my uncle. That I was BETTER than where I came from. And once I realized that... I became the greatest acquisition in professional wrestling history and was ANOINTED a member of THE DYNASTY.

(Dorchester now stands even with Calvin, just a few feet from Joe's face. Veronica's behind him, her arm on Dorchester's shoulder.)

CALVIN: Joe, you can be JUST like Dorchester. Because, Joe... let's face it... you're NOT like these people. (The crowd boos louder.) You've got worldwide fame and adoration. And, most importantly... you've got close to EIGHT figures in that bank account of yours. Joe... you're not like THESE poor, wrteched, awful people.... Joe... you're like US. And it's about time you realized it... and it's about time you joined forces with people who are TRULY your equals. It's about time you put away the dumb clothes and wore SUITS like a man with your bank account should. It's about time you stopped with the gutter speak and you talked in PROPER English. Joe... it's about time you accepted reality and realized that you are the elite.. It's about time that you take me as your manager... and it's about time that you JOINED The Dynasty...

(JOE, off-mic: "And if I say no?")

DORCHESTER (laughs) No? No? No, Joe. YOU DON'T SAY NO TO THE DYNASTY!

CALVIN: And you DON'T SAY NO to Calvin Carlton! So, Joe... what's the answer going to be?

(Calvin jabs Joe with the end of his tennis racket. Joe looks at it, and then Calvin. He then rips the racket from Calvin and tosses it into the crowd, grabs Calvin by the throat!)

JTP: F*CK NOOOOO!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHN!

DORCHESTER: Hey, get your hands off of him!

(Dorchester runs towards Joe, who tosses Calvin to the floor. Joe and Dorchester start throwing punches, with Joe getting the upper hand. Dorchester backpedals until he finally falls back into the plumber's workshop, equipment, tools and random bottles falling over him as Veronica Abrams Rumsfeld shreiks! Then, from the back, come BLAINE HOLLYWOOD and MALIK ANDERSON -- in dark suits!)

O’CONNOR: THE HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW! NO! NOOOOOOOO! LOOK OUT JOE!

(HWC hit the ring and ambush Joe from behind. They start clobbering Joe with blows, but Joe won't fall -- and he starts punching back and forth! Blaine and Malik are both stunned by Joe's punches and start backpedalling. Veronica grabs a bottle of something off the ground and hands it to Dorchester. Dorchester slowly picks himself up from the floor as Joe spins to him and whips the contents of the bottle into Joe's face. Joe IMMEDIATELY holds his eyes and falls to the ground. Dorchester looks on, his mouth dropped as take his hands to his mouth.)

JTP: AAHHHHHHHH (BLEEEEEEEEEP) --

(There's vocal static as someone scrambles to the mic. CUT TO: A closeup of the bottle in DORCHESTER’s hands…)

O'CONNOR: Oh my god... Dorchester Stratton just whipped what appears to be LYE right in the eyes of Joe The Plumber! Blaine and Malik just shoved passed Dorchester and are laying the boots to him. Dorchester's starting to realize what he did and now HE'S stomping on Joe as well! Joe's writhing in agony, trying to protect his eyes... he... we REALLY need some help --Joe could lose his vision permanently!

(The Dynasty continue to stomp on a screaming Joe. Even Veronica's laying boots onto him. Dorchester snaps out of the shock of what he did and is now trying to claw at Joe's eyes. The crowd is SCREAMING and throwing garbage at the ring.)

O'CONNOR: He comes referee Bruce Phillips running down to the ring -- OH MY GOD! HE JUST GOT BLASTED RIGHT IN THE FACE BY CALVIN CARLTON WITH THAT TENNIS RACKET! Here comes The Flying Lemonhead! Malik Anderson grabs him... SPINEBUSTER! Here comes P. King Duk! Blaine meets him with a clothesline! Dorchester's on top of Joe, punching him as Rumsfeld kicks in the side! Calvin's blasting Phillip's with his racket! There's NO reason for this -- here comes La Estrella 100% sprinting down! Malik hits him with a forearm! Blaine's stomping on him now! And now here comes Mike McGee and Bret Kelly with chairs! Along with a swarm of security!! The HWC are finally backing off...

(Dorchester raises his hands in the air as Rumsfeld applauds. The HWC are gesturing at the pool of jobbers lying on the floor as Calvin cackles in glee! Kelly grabs a bottle of water from a fan at ringside and starts pouring it frantically on JTP's eyes...

O'CONNOR: This... this is the lowest.... this is the worst thing I have maybe EVER seen here in New Frontier Wrestling. I.... I just hope…

(CUT TO: Joe the Plumber on a stretcher, being sprinted up the aisle by medics as he screams "MY EYES! MY EYES! I CAN'T SEE!" FADE TO BLACK.)

(FADEIN: Back LIVE! Ford Center, spotlights are swirling around the crowd which seems somewhat tempered after the previously recapped segment on the FRONTIERtron. CUTTO: At the end of the entrance ramp, arena staff are delivering a metal detector on a forklift. The crowd’s buzzing at this peculiar instance, and the hive’s buzz just increases as the NFW PRESIDENTIAL SEAL slowly fades onto the FRONTIERtron…)

O’CONNOR: "Welcome back fans…we’re moments away from the President addressing us before the main event. (turns to H’WOOD) Do you have anything to say for Dorchester Stratton’s actions? For your supposed show? For the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone goes on it."

H’WOOD: "And that’s EXACTLY the point, Beansprouts! You wouldn’t see Sean Stevens walk onto my set without an OLYMPIAN horde of security and BLOODHUNT holding me at gunpoint! Joe the Plumber was a MALCONTENT. A DISEASE spewing forth unaccountable IDIOCY throughout the NEW FRONTIER. What DYNASTY did tonight was ERADICATE that, so our PRESIDENT could further an AGENDA that I support!"

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s career may be over, Lamont. Have you no shame?"

H’WOOD: "Not when it comes to dreck like Joe, no way…not with a plumber."

ANNOUNCER V/O: "AND NOW AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING."

(LOUD BOOS! CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron – PRESIDENT EDDIE MAYFIELD sitting at the OVAL OFFICE desk. He’s wearing a black suit, crimson tie and is flanked by several members of SECRET SERVICE. MAYFIELD grimaces as the boos get louder and some "DENNNNNNNNNIS!" chants ring through the rafters.)

H’WOOD: "This is why we needed to destroy Joe! Look at how his people treat our President! They want to see the man burn in hell!"

O’CONNOR: "Has he really helped change their minds with any actions he’s EVER taken!?"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD in the Oval Office, the Ford Center boos now merely a backdrop to the framed PRESIDENT’s nose twitching in anger.)

MAYFIELD: "Good evening citizens of New Frontier Wrestling, I am aware that there is some anticipation regarding my announcement this evening. And I will deliver it immediately… (the boos die down…) My sources have told me that LEBRON JAMES WILL SIGN WITH THE OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER! (slight pop!) They have also told me that pigs will fly, Impulse has genitals and Dan Ryan never cheated drug testing in the 2000’s!"

(MAYFIELD laughs heartily, while the crowd THUNDERously boos and jeers the bad form displayed by the President. MAYFIELD tauntingly turns to one of his secret service agents, "I thought that was a good opener!" The agent is unresponsive and unmoving as MAYFIELD shrugs and turns back to the camera.)

MAYFIELD: "He’s laughing on the inside, I promise. (MAYFIELD clasps his hands presidentially on the desk) Now, I thought I’d deliver that little icebreaker as many of you watching the television and in the audience tonight are awaiting some very important news concerning our World Championship and Joe the Plumber. (the crowd starts buzzing!) Tonight, something happened that shouldn’t have…"

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "Please tell me the man has a heart…"

MAYFIELD: "The World Championship was NOT defended by Joe the Plumber. (some boos!) Instead, he initiated a fight on the set of Hollywood’s on Fire that was unsanctioned and from what I could deduce suffered an allergic reaction in the process."

(LOUD BOOS! CUTTO: Fans flipping off the FRONTIERtron!)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "IT WAS LYE! THE MAN’S EYES WERE BLEACHED!"

H’WOOD: (V/O) "Shh, Beanfry. Use your inside voice."

MAYFIELD: "Now, this is exactly the type of questionable actions that would have planted Sean Stevens as our primary champion (BOOS!) …unfortunately, I think Dan Ryan paid off Bloodhunt tonight and that means anything PURE about the PURE CHAMPIONSHIP is under question. (slight pop!) I can’t blame the actual champion, Sean Stevens…since such behavior would be beneath him."

H’WOOD: (V/O, over boos!) "You have to love a President who toys with the fans emotions like this!"

MAYFIELD: "You can’t blame Bloodhunt, he’s just some crazy Kennedy conspiracy kook in dire need of retirement money. No, Dan Ryan tainted this situation because anything found to be tainted in our science labs would have him SUSPENDED…and therefore, I will be taking EXECUTIVE action with the PURE CHAMPIONSHIP. Until Dan Ryan meets what I deem a worthy standard of PURITY, he will not be granted an opportunity to face Sean Stevens in the ring."

O’CONNOR: (V/O, over boos/crowd buzz) "This is downright pathetic. I can’t believe he can be so vile, callous and…and…EVIL. He’s just PURE EVIL…that’s what he wants Dan Ryan to aspire to!?"

H’WOOD: (V/O) "You know Beansprouts, if I were you I’d start worrying about getting executed for treason."

MAYFIELD: "As for the NFW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP, I will not stand for these types of actions by our champion. Instead of defending the title, he got himself sent to a hospital before even getting in the ring. Therefore, at the next RELOADED he defend his NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP or be STRIPPED of the title…and he will defend against a man that’s PAID HIS DUES. A man that’s been passed over for far too long…ever since All-Star Week in 2003, he’s done what SHOULD have been done…"

H’WOOD: (V/O) "That’s when Blaine debuted! He beat the crap out of Impulse! YES! YES!"

MAYFIELD: "The leader of DYNASTY in my eyes and the leader of MEN. Joe the Plumber will defend against DORCHESTER STRATTON."

(VERY LOUD BOOS!)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "WHAT!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

(CUTTO: The DYNASTY event suite. DORCHESTER’s eyes widen in shock as he starts laughing in fervor. In the background, we can see CALVIN, MALIK and BLAINE looking like something was just stolen from them. BLAINE’s eyebrow is piqued…to say the least.)

H’WOOD: (V/O) "Ummm…I think he read the wrong press release given by Calvin, there must be some mixup here."

(CUTTO: Back to MAYFIELD in the oval office, his smile even making the Devil shudder in panic.)

MAYFIELD: (over LOUD BOOS!) "Now, without further adieu we will be moving on to our main event. As a precautionary measure requested by the National Champion, BOTH competitors will be subjected to a metal detector scan before going into the steel cage. Thank you and have a good night."

(MUSICUP: "CALL THE DOCTOR" – SLEATER KINNEY. The crowd buzzes, while the FRONTIERtron quick cuts from the Oval Office to DOC CURIOSITY flying out with a Schrodinger’s Smack against the skull of SARS. CUTTO: Back to ringside with O’CONNOR looking pale, H’WOOD looking confused…fans still jeering behind them in the background.)

O’CONNOR: "That man is the devil, I swear to god our President is the devil."

H’WOOD: "He said the leader of Dynasty in his eyes, right?"

O’CONNOR: (rolling his eyes) "YES."

H’WOOD: "Then I don’t get it…why did Dorchester get the title shot?"

O’CONNOR: "Lamont, like the rest of America…you, your son, Calvin Carlton, Joe the Plumber, me and everyone in America NOT named Dorchester Stratton…just got DENNIS’D. (LOUD ROARS!) We’ll be back as the challenger DOC CURIOSITY has just arrived!"

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY standing under a bevy of white-hot pyrotechnics with EEGOR at his side. DOC raises the Curiosity Mallet up in the air, when all of a sudden, two National Guardsmen pop out from the stage sides and confiscate the mallet immediately! The crowd boos, while CURIOSITY thrashes out of their grasp, but not without losing his lab coat which happens to drop out a Swiss Army Knife, razor blades and scotch tape.)

O’CONNOR: "This may take awhile fans as the challenger, the NEFARIOUS DOCTOR CURIOSITY approaches a metal detector, then the ROOFED STEEL CAGE and a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP MAIN EVENT on RELOADED against ROOK BLACK!"

H’WOOD: "What’s DENNIS’d mean?"

(FADEOUT.)

(QUICK CUTTO’s: DOC CURIOSITY going into the metal detector which goes "BEEEEEEEEP!" CURIOSITY removing a metal plate from under his kneepad, elbow pad and a metal sliver from each wrestling boot. CURIOSITY going through again and the detector goes "BEEEEEEEEP!" CURIOSITY relinquishing a metal whip found in his waistline, CURIOSITY handing over a hammer, handcuffs and monkey wrench. As he walks back to go through the detector, he yells at EEGOR to run…which he does through the crowd as they cheer him on by chanting "RUN EEGOR RUN!")

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "That was the scene just moments ago as the challenger for tonight’s National Championship Main Event, Doctor Curiosity made his way to ringside. And I wish that were the only weapons confiscated as he apparently tried to sneak in a plastic ray gun that probably was bought at Toys R Us and doesn’t really work…"

H’WOOD: (V/O) "You’re just embarrassing yourself by acknowledging that all even happened. Quentin and Eddie should agree to just stop televising this guy if they want any serious wrestlers to join up."

(QUICK CUTTO’s: ROOK BLACK surrounded by his on the entrance ramp while a cavalcade of white and blue fireworks explode over the FRONTIERtron. BLACK is in standard ring attire, black and white pants, boots, pads. BLACK walks through the metal detector, which goes "BEEEEEEEEP!" BLACK slaps his head in mocking forgetfulness and hands over the National Championship around his waist, which a referee raises in the air. CUTTO: BACK LIVE! Ringside w/ O’CONNOR and H’WOOD, while the roofed steel cage starts lowering to crowd roars!)

O’CONNOR: "Welcome back fans! LEE-BABY SIMS has just finished the introductions of both competitors and we’re just about ready to go!

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY watching nervously as the cage drops. CUTTO: BLACK standing in place on the other side, smoothing out his wrist tape. CUTTO: Referee GREG HERPIN holding up the National Championship to the crowd’s wolf whistles!)

O’CONNOR: "Now, the two of these guys have some twisted history to say the least…"

H’WOOD: "The least would be to ignore the history they have, Beansprouts. Don’t talk about it. You’re better than that, you don’t know need to go into the minutiae of the intertwining insanity that’s allegorical to a monkey taking a dump on a canvas and some green-haired vegan bohemian trying to sell it to me as avant garde theatre."

O’CONNOR: "Well, I don’t see the similarities…to that…as some may remember within the NFW verse of history that Doc Curiosity suffered one of the most crushing blows to the head in our history when his face was ravaged by the I, ROBOT Rook Flail as it’s referred to in our texts. The flail was essentially the severed spinal column and head of an android replica of Rook Black being wielded by the true Rook Black, who was also unmasking his alter-identity-ego of the Uber Judge. The Uber Judge…was a close ally of Doc Curiosity’s for YEARS leading up to this moment. Keeping in mind that Rook Black’s career was quite a full schedule at the time he was marauding as the malleted masked avenger."

H’WOOD: "I stand by my monkey dumping avante-garde analogy."

O’CONNOR: "As Rook won the National Championship during this feud, he showed himself as the true cerebral assassin…"

H’WOOD: "Don’t you dare call him that."

O’CONNOR: "Well, he kidnapped Curiosity’s brother…and disqualified himself through very questionable tactics after striking Eegor, who was trying to attack him for the benefit of the NEFARIOUS Doctor."

H’WOOD: "Monkey. Monkey, Monkey. Monkey. … Dump."

(CUTTO: Staff workers at ringside, securing and checking the cage, which is extended past the ring diameter by five feet. CUTTO: HERPIN hands off the National Championship to an unknown staffer and then closes the door to cheers. NFW Referees SCOTT SPERANZA and CALVIN DAVEY secure the lock and chains.)

O’CONNOR: "No weapons, everyone locked out of the match! Two hated rivals any backstory you want to cut it and locked on the inside! The National Championship AROUND THE USA IN 80 DAYS Tour kicks off…one of these men will walk out champion, the other will walk away with an uncertain future."

H’WOOD: "That’s what I’m interested in Beansprouts, you can create whatever time paradox based mocking of society. You can theorize about the emotions of man through the eyes of a robot that ends up enjoying port wine…at the end of the day, somehow…someway…Doc Curiosity won the Grand Prix and our ESTEEMED President upheld it because he’s a fair and honorable man."

(CUTTO: O’CONNOR laughs, H’WOOD sneers at him.)

H’WOOD: (thumbing towards the ring) "Our National Champion is freaking insane. Rook Black is off the reservation in a way we will NEVER understand. Something about this cage match will either define him as a bloodthirsty, raving psychotic or an emotionless, cold psychotic. So, Eddie Mayfield isn’t stupid either…he’ll let the mystery psycho science theatre speed racer up someone’s nose 5000 play out."

(SFX: BELL! CUTTO: HERPIN waving the competitors towards the middle of the ring, BLACK walking out slowly…CURIOSITY, well…he’s not moving out of his corner at all.)

O’CONNOR: "The bell tolls on the saga of these two men! Only one’s going to win tonight!"

H’WOOD: "You sound so sure about that after going over their monkey dumping history. (H’WOOD snickers) What a great way to get by the bleepers."

O’CONNOR: "Black stalking slowly and cautiously towards the corner, where Doc Curiosity still hasn’t exited! His wide scientist eyes coming to a single, horrible conclusion…there’s nowhere to go! Black smirking, Doc freaking…here comes Rook! NO! Rook charging off his impact against the turnbuckles, while Doc’s essentially trying to stay of the middle of one twisted duck, duck, goose situation."

H’WOOD: "It’s a monkey dumping good time!"

O’CONNOR: "SERIOUSLY…STOP."

H’WOOD: "Don’t be such a monkey dumper, Beanfry! I bet there’s already six fratheads watching this on rerun and regretting the moment they turned monkey dumping into a drinking game."

O’CONNOR: "Rook trying to corner the challenger, which seems quite backwards then what’s supposed to be happening…and OH! Curiosity fires a quick kick! Forearm Smash! Another! Doc with a rake of the eyes and that turns around Rook…Doc with a Cobra Cl—NOPE! Rook with a back elbow that connects right to the jaw! Doc staggering around and walks right into a vicious right forearm! One more for good measure! Doc’s trying to hold onto the reel and Rook’s got him in a front waistlock! (CHEERS!) Pops the hips into a Northern Lights Suplex and bridge! ONE! TWO! NO! Curiosity kicks out!"

H’WOOD: "Not a bad sequence from Rook, I may stop with all this monkey dumping smearing campaign if he goes nuts and bleeds Doc completely out."

O’CONNOR: "Rook’s staying on the offensive and quickly keeping Doc in his zone, propping him up to a standing base against the ropes and OH! Vicious kneestrike! Overhead forearm! If there’s one thing we know, it’s Doc can’t go strength on strength against Black…Black holding him up on those ropes and blasting him with a right and LOOK OUT! (crowd groans!) Curiosity falls through the ropes and he’s notoriously close to the steel framed surroundings…"

H’WOOD: ‘And I can get behind Rook not wasting any time and acting a little calculated here…"

O’CONNOR: "Rook’s got Doc up and WATCH OUT! (cheers!) The fans seem to be behind Doc, but they’re gonna cheer the first cageshot of the night… (groans!) Doc whammed headfirst just a little harder there! Doc staggering…OH! (groans!) Rook whips him backfirst into the cage! Doc quickly rolls back into the ring, Rook staying in pursuit…Doc on his knees, Rook already up on his feet and delivers a vicious kick to the back of Doc’s head! Doc down on his stomach, Rook off the ropes and he drops a knee across the back of Curiosity’s neck!"

H’WOOD: "Curiosity can run, but he can’t hide…he’s pulled off some of the cheapest victories I’ve ever seen, but I don’t think this is an environment for a man of his skills. Sure, you admire a steel stethoscope chokejob…but with Rook taking away weapons and escape routes, you’re just exposing him as a common German."

O’CONNOR: "The crowd’s a little tepid as Rook’s taken complete control of the early-going…now bringing up Doc and unleashes a knee to the gut…Rook now going for a scoop and a slam… WAIT! (cheers!) CURIOSITY WITH AN INSIDE CRADLE COUNTER! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! THRNO! Rook powers out! The champ’s up first and he’s barraging Curiosity with a series of boots! That was a close one, Woodman!"

H’WOOD: "Yeah, but I don’t think it helps that it peeved Rook as a result…"

O’CONNOR: "Black still laying into Curiosity and now ripping him up and watch out! (groans!) Through the ropes, outside the ring and a careening roll into the outside cage! Rook following out and he’s got Doc, WATCH OUT! (CLANG! crowd groans!) OH! (CLANG! Groans!) OH! (CLANG! Groans!) OHHH! Doc just got his head smashed into that cage by the champion! Rook’s got him by the hair…OH LORD! (LOUD GROANS!) He’s taking Curiosity’s face to the cage like a windshield wiper!"

H’WOOD: "WAX ON! WAX OFF! WHACK THAT PUNK SMITH AND CHAN BULLSH(BLEEP!)"

O’CONNOR: "Guess you didn’t like that movie…"

H’WOOD: "Pat Morita was like a brother to me. He introduced me to the delicacies of the sideways snatch."

O’CONNOR: "Doc staggering around Rook’s gripping him by the seat of the pants and OH NO! (LOUD GROANS!) He just got tossed into the corner post of the cage!"

(CLOSEUP: CURIOSITY rolling on the ground, a cut already opened on his forehead…)

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity’s busted open early and Rook’s on the prowl…he’s got Curiosity up and over his shoulder… (CLANG! GROANS!) RELEASE SNAKE EYES INTO THE CAGE! (MORE GROANS!) OH! CURIOSITY JAWJACKED HIMSELF ON THE RING APRON FALLING DOWN!"

H’WOOD: "That’s how Sir Isaac Newton got his start!"

O’CONNOR: "Rook grabbing Doc, he’s got him around the waist…OH! (groans!) Flapjack into the cage! Doc’s drunkwalking around and Rook’s got him up…(LOUD CRACK! GROANS!) STUN GUN ON THE RING STEPS! HOLY MARY MOTHER OF MOSES!"

H’WOOD: "Doc’s eyes are lolling up in his spinal column right now…"

O’CONNOR: "Rook’s destroyed him! He’s absolutely destroyed him! Rook dumping Doc back into the ring and showing his first smile of the night…this has to be over… (crowd boos!) Rook cockily turning over the challenger with his boot and dropping down for the cover! ONE! TWOOOOO! (CHEERS!) KICKOUT! DOC KICKS OUT!"

H’WOOD: "You know those Germans and their squids, he probably oiled up before the match."

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity is in a world of trouble as Rook Black is on his feet, pacing around the ring…the champion letting the moment come to him, letting himself stay paced. The last thing he wants to do is overexert himself trying to put away Curiosity. It’s been done VERY infrequently within New Frontier Wrestling and NEVER before in a singles match."

H’WOOD: "Really?"

O’CONNOR: "Impulse came closest with a draw, but I don’t believe Doc Curiosity has lost a one on one match in NFW…he’s lost in triple threats, gauntlets…but never one on one."

H’WOOD: "That’s…that’s disconcerting."

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity fighting up to his knees, blood already trickling down his forehead…Rook staying behind him and he’s now ripping him up to his feet…COBRA CL—NO! LEGSWEEP FACEBUSTER! THE CHAMPION PLANTS THE CHALLENGER! We’ve got another cover! ONE! TWOOOOO! THRNO! (cheers!) Curiosity with a shoulder up, but Rook shoves it back down for another pin attempt! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! (cheers!) Curiosity isn’t quitting yet!"

H’WOOD: "Yeah, well he isn’t doing much either…"

O’CONNOR: "The champion’s quickly on him and bringing him up and shoving him into the corner…Right forearm! Left forearm! OH! Spinning forearm! Doc slumps against the turnbuckles, Rook backpedaling and HERE HE COMES! (CHEERS!) CURIOSITY DODGES DAS BOOT!"

H’WOOD: "That’s an impalement that couldn’t feel too swell on the groin, but I suppose the groin will swell."

O’CONNOR: "Rook’s struggling away from the corner… (LOUD ROARS!) CURIOSITY WITH A ROLLUP! ONNNNNE! TWO! TH—NO! Rook rolls out! Doc’s up, Rook’s still doubled over… (CHEERS!) SUNSET FLIP BY THE DOCTOR! ONE! TWO! (boos!) Rook smashes his legs together to break it up. Curiosity up first as Rook’s still hurt from his impact in the turnbuckles…big soccer cross to the ribcage! Curiosity using the ropes…jumps off them with a stomp to Rook’s chest! Curiosity dragging Rook into the middle of the ring, has his leg and NO! ROOK WITH A SMALL PACKAGE!"

H’WOOD: "Well, I don’t see what his penis size has to do with anything…"

O’CONNOR: "SHUTUP! ONE! TWO! (SCREAMS!) THRRRRRRRNO! (CHEERS!) DOC JUST KICKS OUT! Curiosity off the ropes, Rook hops to his feet quickly and misses a discus lariat! Doc rebounding off the ropes and he slides through Rook’s legs, pops up! Kick to Rook’s midsection – WAIT! Rook catches his boot, spins him around! ATOMIC DROP! (CHEERS!) NO! Doc flipped out of it, he’s behind Rook and LOOKIT THIS! (LOUD CHEERS!) VICTORY ROLL! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWO! THRRRRRRRRNO! (wolf whistles!) Rook powers out just in the last second! Both men up and OH! (groans!) Rook with a running kneelift and that flips Doc up and over!"

H’WOOD: "Curiosity’s got nothing that can hurt Rook! No serums! No mind control helmets made of tin foil, no rocket jet roller skate wrestling boots…he’s got nutshots and flash pinfalls to go by and that’s not gonna create any pain…nor stop it!"

O’CONNOR: "Rook pulling up Doc into a suplex and OH! (groans!) Doc with an uppercut knee to the groin! Rook on a knee and Doc latches on with an Iron Claw! Rook standing up and now he’s choking Curiosity in response! (LOUD GROANS!) GOALIE KICK TO THE NUTS BY DOC! Rook doubled over, Doc reels him into a front facelock! (LOUD ROARS!) DEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEE! HOW’S THAT FOR SOME PAIN!?"

H’WOOD: "Yeah, ok. Great. Freaking monkey dumping awesome."

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity covering Rook! ONE! TWO! THRRRRNO! (groans!) Rook with a kickout! Curiosity slams the mat in frustration and is back on his feet…and he’s on the apron and heading up to the turnbuckles! (crowd gets loud!) CURIOSITY PERCHED! (LOUD ROARS!) HE’S IN THE AIIIIIIIIR! (CRASH! LOUD CHEERS!) CURIOSITY KILLED THE YELLOW! TOP ROPE LEGDROP! Curiosity keeps his leg over Rook, this could count! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! Rook fires his shoulder out and rolls over on his stomach."

H’WOOD: "Well, the tides have turned…and let’s face it, these two do know it’s the end of their monkey dumping line. The battles have been won, but this one is for the war…and honestly, I’m getting a little antsy for a little more bloodshed."

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity is busted open, Lamont…"

H’WOOD: "I’m sorry, I’ve been fed 10 years of guys getting lit on fire, blown up in demolition derbys and leaping off 40 feet scaffolds. Color me monkey dumping unimpressed."

O’CONNOR: "You’re ridiculous…"

H’WOOD: "And you’re forgetting what Rook Black did to Steve Christ."

O’CONNOR: "Yeah…true…although, I wonder if he built the android so he could learn how to not feel that nightmare anymore…"

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY standing up laboriously, nearly tumbling over as blood trickles down his face. BLACK pushes up to his knees, coughing violently.)

O’CONNOR: "Regardless of what he’s gone through, regardless of how he’s been screwed over…he’s got an opportunity to take this National Championship. He’s bringing up Rook to his feet and hooks him around the waist… (groans!) Inverted Atomic Drop! Into a double leg takedown and (cheers!) Jackknife pin attempt! ONE! TWO! (crowd pop!) ROOK’S BRIDGING OUT! Rook flipping it all around into a gutwrench, HE’S GOT DOC UP! (LOUD ROARS!) DUSSELARANA COUNTER TO A POWERBOMB! ONE! TWOOOOOO! THRRRRRRNO! Black frantically kicks out, both rushing up on grit and determination…OH! (loud cheers!) Curiosity draws faster and connects with a jumping side elbow! That hit Black square in the jaw! Curiosity scrambling for the cover! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRNO! (LOUD GROANS!) BLACK KICKS OUT AGAIN!"

H’WOOD: "And let’s face it, the mental fortitudinous of Doc Curiosity isn’t exactly his strongest suit. He’s not used to being the guy with the crowd on his side, draining his energy trying to put away a champion with everything he’s got. He’s usually in a lot of monkey dumping trouble with a 50,000 monkey dumping moves dropped on him and kicking out at TWO and SEVEN-EIGHTHS."

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity up on his feet and standing across the ring from Black, the champion has fallen from complete and absolute control in this match to on the precipice of losing a title belt he’s held for ages to a friend…a rival, an enemy he’s had much, much longer."

H’WOOD: "It’s a monkey dumping Greek tragedy these two have got going. And by that I mean we’re three steps away from monkey dumping sodomy in front of a hushed crowd."

O’CONNOR: "Rook trying to pull himself up on the ropes, he’s to one knee and HOLD ON! (crowd gets loud!) CURIOSITY CROUCHED AND SPRUNG INTO ACTION! ROOK SEES HIM COMING! (LOUD POP! CROWD CHEERS!) Rook readied for Doc’s Schrodinger’s Smack of a Shining Wizard, but Doc surprised him with a dropkick to the jaw! Rook’s been knocked out of the ring from the impact and Curiosity… (crowd gets loud!) Curiosity’s climbing the turnbuckles!"

(CLOSEUP: CUROSITY perches and screams, "I VANT TO BE A NACHO MAN!")

O’CONNOR: (over loud roars!) "CURIOSITY IN THE AIR! OHHHHHHHH! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) DOUBLE AXEHANDLE! ROOK CAREENS INTO THE CAGE!"

H’WOOD: "And now we’re seeing some monkey dumping big-time chances being converted!"

O’CONNOR: "Rook Black is down in a proverbial trash heap, Doc Curiosity able to keep himself on his feet with help from the surrounding steel structure…Rook pushing himself up VERY slowly as Curiosity’s catching a much needed heave of oxygen. Curiosity stalking in from behind and he’s got Rook in a side headlock…HOLD ON! (loud pop!) OHHHHHH! (CROWD ROARS!) BATTERING RAM INTO THE CAGE! Curiosity has Rook on dream street, he’s got Rook by the hair and LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) Headfirst into the cage! AGAIN! Rook staggers away and he’s turning around… (LOUD CRACK! CROWD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHH! DROP TOE HOLD INTO THE RING STEPS! BLACK GOT FACEPLANTED!"

H’WOOD: "And he’s probably going to make an appointment on Monday with his dentist because I think Curiosity just knocked a tooth out of his monkey dumping mouth."

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity’s got Rook and he’s rolling him back into the ring…and YES! Rook Black has now been lacerated as well! You’re starting to get your bloodshed, Woodman…"

H’WOOD: "I’ve seen Craig Miles purposely squirt blood out of his arm into his mouth."

O’CONNOR: "…I wish you were lying about that."

H’WOOD: "So do I Beansprouts, so do monkey dumping I."

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity going for the cover! ONE! TWO! THRRRRRNO! (wolf whistles) Rook Black was practically dead weight to get back in that ring and Curiosity’s not the strongest of men in the New Frontier. Curiosity bringing up Rook and drops him on his knee with a modified gutbuster! Curiosity on the apron quickly! (crowd starts buzzing!) Curiosity climbing up the turnbuckles! He’s going back up top! CURIOSITY IN THE AIR! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD GROANS!) HE MISSES THE 450 SPLASH!"

H’WOOD: "Actually, according to most smark online biographies, he just connected with his patented 450 Faceplant…which begs the question on how this man can be a certified Doctor if redneck hillbillies know how successful he is with that!"

O’CONNOR: "Both men are down! Both men are bleeding! Greg Herpin delivering the standing ten count!"

(CLOSEUP: BLACK on his stomach, rolling over and away from CURIOSITY who’s on his back as well. Both men’s eyes blink rapidly, staring at the rafter lights as HERPRIN shouts out "TWOOOOOOOOO!")

O’CONNOR: "Who’s going to want it more!?! (crowd starts stomping!) WHO’S GOT MORE LEFT!? (crowd starts clapping!) This crowd trying to fire both men up! Herpin’s on five! (*STOMP* *STOMP* *CLAP* CLAP*) Rook’s on his feet! (boos!) And he’s stumbling around and finds his balance on the ropes…Curiosity getting up slowly in the middle of the ring and here comes Rook! (WHAP! Crowd pop!) DOC WITH AN OVERHAND SLAP TO ROOK’S CHEST! You could hear that one in the rafters! (WHAP! LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHH! ROOK WITH A VICIOUS RETURNING SIDEWINDER KNIFE EDGE! He lifted off in a 180 to hit that and Doc went down like he was shot!"

H’WOOD: "Yeah…that looked like it monkey dumping hurt a lot."

O’CONNOR: "Doc’s staggering up and OH! Back Elbow Strike from Rook! Doc stumbling backwards and Rook plants a front kick sending the challenger into the turnbuckles…LOOK OUT! (groans!) Another back elbow strike, Rook leaning against Doc in the corner…sandwiching him in and OH! OH! (LOUD BOOS!) OH! OH! OHHHHH! At least five back elbow strikes connected in the corner before Rook Black gets pulled out by Greg Herpin!"

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY’s head lolling in the back of his head as he struggles to stay upright in the corner…BLACK pushes HERPIN out of the way to boos!)

O’CONNOR: "Well, that wasn’t very sportsmanlike…here comes the champ! (LOUD GROANS!) SWEET HENRIETTA OF HARRISON HEIGHTS! ROOK BLACK JUST AVALANCHE SPEARED DOC CURIOISTY! Rook dragging Doc out into the middle of the ring, he drops on top of him! ONE! TWO! NO! CURIOSITY WITH A SHOULDER! Rook pins down Doc’s arms with a lateral press! ONE! TWO! NO! DOC STRUGGLING BACK UP! …that didn’t work real well! ROOK’S GOT HIM DOWN AGAIN! ONE! TWO! (cheers!) Look at the fight in Doc!"

H’WOOD: "He’s kicking and flailing around like a hooker under Mel Gibson just a little half-drunk, not full on wasted did I curbstomp that harlot and kill her… (H’WOOD sucks in air loudly and starts panting…) I DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!"

O’CONNOR: "Rook Black with a tight cradle pin! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! (cheers!) Black slaps the mat, he’s on his feet! OH! OH! (groans!) OH! OH! I think he’s going Mel Gibson on Doc Curiosity as you just might have predicted, Woodman!"

H’WOOD: "Curse these monkey dumping powers!"

O’CONNOR: "Black ripping up Doc to a standing base! (GROANS!) OHMAN! EURO UPPERCUT! I think Doc’s spit just burned up in the rafters lights! OH! (GROANS!) Another one! Doc’s staggering back and LOOK OUT! (LOUD ROARS!) BOTH MEN GO OVER AND OUT AFTER A RUNNING ROOK CLOTHESLINE! Both men are down! Rook getting up, his adrenaline seems to be kicking in…WATCH OUT! (CRASH! GROANS!) DOC SENT FLYING INTO THE CAGE HEADFIRST! And he just smacked against the concrete surrounding the ring as well…Rook Black is right on top of him with a barrage of kicks…Rook’s got him by the hair, dragging him up and AGAIN! (CRACK! GROANS!) RIGHT INTO THE STEEL CONNECTOR POST! Doc falls forward, NO! (LOUD CRASH! GROANS! BOOS!) Rook just steamrolled and kicked Doc’s head against the cage!"

H’WOOD: "He wants the kill and he’s definitely going for it. I’ll give him that…"

O’CONNOR: "Now…Doc Curiosity is bleeding PROFUSELY. His head isn’t cut anymore Woodman, it’s GASHED. Rook’s got him by the hair, now mushing his face against the cage! Doc trying to stand up from his knees as Rook’s just scraping his whole body on there…OH! (LOUD ROARS!) A NEFARIOUS BACK KICK CONNECTS!"

(CLOSEUP: DOC’S right foot lingering through both quivering and bowlegged legs of ROOK BLACK…)

H’WOOD: "You ever wonder if Lance Armstrong having a nut cut off helped him ride a bike a little…easier? Was that really the performance enhancer? Not having BOTH your grapes squashed?"

O’CONNOR: "You’re flair for the moment doesn’t disappoint once again. WHAT A CHEAPSHOT. These fans may be applauding, but even I can’t agree with that type of counter…no matter how BRUTAL Rook Black was just beating Doc Curiosity. Curiosity stumbling away, Rook Black just fell over and Greg Herpin is trying to clean up the mess…trying to get both men back in the ring, Rook’s just rolling in fetally as Curiosity…I don’t think Doc Curiosity has a clue to where he is right now."

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY pacing around the ring and only able to stand due to the cage helping him maintain his balance. Blood is flowing down his forehead, his eyes are blinking weirdly as the crowd starts chanting "DOC! DOC! DOC!")

O’CONNOR: "There are some wrestlers…some men in this business that are getting physically ill at this scene. Doc Curiosity being CHEERED by the fans over the second-generation wrestler from Texas, Rook Black."

H’WOOD: "Or just cheered by any fan in general."

O’CONNOR: "Herpin now guiding Curiosity back towards the ring…Doc latching onto the ropes and trying to climb on the apron…Black’s getting up on the opposite side of the ring and he’s now lumbering towards Doc. Rook charging in, he’s got Doc hooked around the head! ROLLOVER SUPLEX! Rook’s got Doc covered! ONE! TWOOOOOO! NO! Doc kicks out again! Rook slowly getting up and dragging Doc up, OH! (cheers!) Doc with a lunging headbutt to the solar plexus! Rook doubled over and (cheers!) Another cheapshot! Doc with a nefarious eye rake that sends Rook staggering away!"

H’WOOD: "I think the only thing I admire about this crazy is his unabashed desperation in gaining an advantage in there…"

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity on his feet, he’s got Rook for the Side German, NO! (groans!) Rook with a back elbow! Rook’s got Doc in a Snap Mare, NO! (cheers!) Push off! Doc going for a Running Bulldog, NO! (CRASH! SCREAMS!) A TWISTING, BRIDGING BLACK BACK SUPLEX! ONNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) DOC ROLLS OUT! (wolf whistles!) That was close fans! That was REAL close!"

(CUTTO: Fans at ringside turning their heads and starting to scream in cheers! QUICK CUTTO: EEGOR hopping over the barricade in between two National Guardsmen that are oblivious to his presence…)

O’CONNOR: "That’s Eegor! EEGOR’S AT RINGSIDE! WHAT’S HE DOING HERE!?"

H’WOOD: "He does realize that he can’t get into the match…"

O’CONNOR: "He can sure as hell sneak something in!"

H’WOOD: "Watch your monkey dumping mouth, Beansprouts!"

O’CONNOR: "Rook getting up…he doesn’t see Eegor yet, but someone is going to s…wait a minute! EEGOR’S GOT SOMETHING IN HIS POCKET! (LOUD SCREAMS!) IT’S AN AEROSOL CAN! He just fisted a Guardsmen with it! I think #18’s down! (LOUD ROARS!) HE SPRAYS IT IN 20’S EYES! Eegor’s scaling the cage! HE’S CLIMBING THE CAGE!"

(CUTTO: ROOK shaking out the cobwebs, his brow furrowing as he slowly recognizes the outside commotion of the National Guard. BLACK’s eyes widen as he sees EEGOR climbing up the cage… "CLIMB AFTER HIM!" are the first words out of BLACK’S mouth as he rushes and dodges through middle ropes outside EEGOR’s side of the caged ring area…)

O’CONNOR: "Rook’s going up after him! What is Eegor thinking!? WHAT’S HE HIDING!?"

H’WOOD: "Y’know, this eerily reminds me of the time I saw some monkey dump tossing on the Discovery channel…"

O’CONNOR: "Eegor’s heading up to the top section…Guardsmen are scaling up on all sides, Rook’s stuck where he is…he can’t climb any higher’s he’s at the corner…"

(CLOSEUP: EEGOR rolling himself onto the top of the cage, looking down bewildered at his predicament. He SLOWLY stands up and balances himself, screaming threats at the Guard and ROOK…)

O’CONNOR: "This is insane, WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) Eegor sprays that aerosol can and blinds a Guardsmen trying to climb up! (LOUD SCREAMS!) ROOK…ROOK’S MOVING ACROSS LIKE HE’S ON THE…no…"

H’WOOD: "SAY IT!"

O’CONNOR: "…no…"

H’WOOD: "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE IT."

O’CONNOR: "…that’s impossible."

H’WOOD: "IT IS YOUR DESTINY."

O’CONNOR: "OK! OK! ROOK’S LITERALLY MONKEY BARRING TOWARDS EEGOR! (LOUD ROARS!) EEGOR’S STOMPING AT HIM! (LOUD SCREAMS!) GUARDSMEN ARE CONVERGING ON TOP!"

(CLOSEUP: DOC CURIOSITY standing in place. Dazed. Confused. The proverbial pizza faced mask possessing lolled, vacuous eyes. He struggled to focus, while chaos ensued above. EEGOR lit his lighter… WHOOOOOOOOOOSH!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "EEGOR’S LIT THE FUMES ON FIRE! OH MY GAHD! (MORE SCREAMS!) IT’S NOT GOING OUT! It’s OHHHHHHH! (MORE SCREAMS!) EEGOR’S BEEN SACKED! They’ve covered the can! The Guard’s covered the fire and Eegor! He’s trying to fight…"

H’WOOD: "If this cage collapses we’re going to have a wrongful death suit, Beanfry!"

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY on his knees, heaving as ROOK wonders what to do hanging…when suddenly EEGOR’s hand outstretches and drops some items into the ring! The lighter, a pack of cigarettes and a flask!)

O’CONNOR: "What the?"

(CUTTO: ROOK drops from the cage! The crowd screams!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD ROARS!) "Rook didn’t break his fall right! He just landed on his back! Curiosity doesn’t even know he’s awake! He’s a walking zombie in that ring, but he’s hobbling towards Rook…he’s going for the pin! ONE! TW—NO! Rook with a BIG kickout! Doc punching away at Rook as the champion tries to get back to a standing base…Doc with a flurry going! OH! Rook with a hard knee to the gut! (LOUD GROANS!) Another one of those big uppercuts!"

H’WOOD: "I think he just knocked Curiosity’s skull over two inches in his head."

O’CONNOR: "Doc staggering and (LOUD CHEERS!) A quick little diddy of an eyepoke by the nefarious Doctor! Rook staggering and DOC WITH A BACKSLIDE! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRNO! (groans!) Rook rolled out just in time! Both men up and Rook with a kick to the gut! Rook with a front facelock (cheers!) Doc counters with a back body (SCREAMS!) ROOK DOUBLE COUNTERS! SUNSET FLIP! ONE! TWOOOOOO! NO! (cheers!) He can’t hold Curiosity, who squirms out of the hold just in time!"

H’WOOD: "See? Bleeding this much can be a good thing…it’s like greasing the wheels of justice!"

O’CONNOR: "You scare me sometimes. Both men are up…Rook grabs Doc by the arm and sends him off the ropes! (LOUD GROANS!) DISCUS CLOTHESLINE! THE CHAMPION CONNECTS! He’s not even paying attention to the items at ringside, he’s ripping up Doc to a standing base…HE’S GOT HIM AROUND THE THROAT! HE COULD BE BRINGING ON THE GAUNTLET! Curiosity trying to break out of the choke, Rook trying to lift him up! (LOUD CHEERS!) CURIOSITY WITH A LOW KNEE! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) NEWTON’S THIRD LAW! CURIOSITY’S PATENTED DISCUS CLOTHESLINE COMES BACK ON THE REBOUND!"

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY with an draped over BLACK, Herpin jumping into position!)

O’CONNOR: "ONNNNNNNE! TWO! NO! (groans!) Black fires up a shoulder! Curiosity can’t believe it, his fist pounding the mat…hold on, Curiosity crawling towards the objects that Eegor dropped into the ring…"

(CUTTO: The National Guard zip-tying up EEGOR at the top of the cage…rolling him towards some waiting Guardsmen on the upper side of the cage…)

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity’s got the pack of smokes and the lighter, why is he nodding? Why would he be nodding in APPROVAL?"

H’WOOD: "Well, they can’t be magic cigarettes…he’s getting tested later tonight!"

O’CONNOR: "Black sitting up as Doc…Doc’s lighting himself a cigarette! Are those HB Cigarettes!? Good lord, what is this man thinking!? OH! (LOUD ROARS!) A field goal kick to the face of Black followed by a huge smile! HE LOOKS…"

H’WOOD: "Don’t say it…"

O’CONNOR: "YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE!"

H’WOOD: "That’s…That’s impossible!"

O’CONNOR: "He looks like a monkey dumping Professional out there! The challenger on the apron…and now, DOC’S CLIMBING UP TOP! HE’S UP TOP!"

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY taking a huge inhale off the cigarette before he starts coughing violently, looking at the cancer stick in pure disgust. "VAS ZAT BROKEN GLASS?" CURIOSITY spits with queasiness, flicking the cigarette away…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD CHEERS!) "CURIOSITY IN THE AIR! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) ELBOW DROP OFF THE TOP! OPPENHEIMER’S JAEGERBOMB! CURIOSITY’S GOT THE COVER! ONNNNNNNNNE! (CROWD COUNTS ALONG!) TWOOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEE! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! ROOK GOT A SHOULDER UP! I DON’T BELIEVE IT!"

H’WOOD: "I can’t believe what I just saw…"

O’CONNOR: "I don’t think anyone’s seen anything like that before out of the challenger…and Doc’s up and he’s…he’s going for the flask!"

H’WOOD: "Curiosity obviously figured fire has to be allowed within the NFW constitution somewhere, it’s a dangerous play on his part…but a fair one, even our President would have a fondness for it."

(CUTTO: A NATIONAL GUARDSMEN wearing an earpiece, black sunglasses and #13 armband…jogging up to the outside referees, sitting down at the timeskeeper’s table. It looks like he’s pointing at the ring, motioning that he needs to go inside…)

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity picking up the flask, looking at his lighter…HOLD ON! (boos!) HERPIN’S in Doc’s face! He’s warning him, putting a finger in his face and OH BOY! (cheers!) Doc takes a swig out of the flask and pushes Herpin out of the way! Stomp! Another Stomp! Elbow Drop! Elbow Drop! Doc flips off Rook and drops another elbow!"

(CUTTO: DOC guzzling out of the flask, he starts gargling as the crowd chants "DOC! DOC!" He looks like he’s gagging and holding back a mouthful of vomit…)

H’WOOD: "Well, he’s using the only performance enhancers allowed within that ring…he’s bending the rules…"

(CUTTO: DOC rapidly blinking, the whites of his eyes starkly contrasting with his bloodied face. His pupils loll from either the loss of blood or the sudden alcohol spike in his system… CUTTO: ROOK BLACK standing up slowly and shaking out the cobwebs. DOC flicks his lighter on and sprays his mouthful of alcohol into it!)

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) "Doc just failed that test! …but he still just misted Rook Black’s face with about four shots of Jaegermeister! Rook’s walking around blinded, Herpin’s knocked the flask out of Doc’s hands and stolen the lighter…WAIT! LOOK OUT! (LOUD SCREAMS!) ROOK THOUGHT HE HAD DOC! INSTEAD, HE JUST DROPPED GREG HERPIN WITH A REVERSE DDT!"

(CUTTO: Back to the GUARDSMAN #13 by the officials at the ringside tables. He’s now acting frantically and screaming "WE HAVE A SECURITY BREACH! GIVE ME THE KEYS!")

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity drunkwalking around the ring, Rook’s back on his feet…eyes wide in shock at what’s just happened! WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) DOC WITH A FLASK SHOT TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD! ROOK’S DOWN! HE’S DOWN! DOC’S TOSSES THE FLASK AWAY! HE’S GOT ROOK COVERED!"

(CUTTO: The Outside Refs, SCOTT SPERANZA and CALVIN DAVEY trying to order GUARDSMAN #13 away, while also trying to discuss if one of them should enter the ring…SPERANZA finally pulls the keys off his belt and starts walking towards the door. CUTTO: DOC slapping his hand on the mat, counting to 10 by now. CUTTO: GREG HERPIN unconscious in the ring…)

O’CONNOR: "We are in dire straits in this ring!"

H’WOOD: "And money don’t come for monkey dumpin’ nothin’ on live TV!"

O’CONNOR: "SHUTUP! This is serious! (LOUD SCREAMS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHD!"

(CUTTO: GUARDSMAN #13 with a handful of SPERANZA’s hair and ramming him headfirst into the cage! SPERANZA hits the deck immediately, GUARDSMEN #13 opens the door and tosses the keys into the crowd!)

O’CONNOR: "WHAT IS GOING ON!? A National Guardman has broke into the cage! This can’t be allowed! Curiosity sees him coming and jumps off of Rook! (LOUD SHOCK!) WHAT THE HELL!?"

H’WOOD: "Oh, this is just monkey dumping fantastic."

(CUTTO: GUARDSMAN #13 stomping on Rook! His pearly whites deviously smiling, while his black sunglasses hide his eyes…)

O’CONNOR: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? By the looks on Curiosity’s face, he doesn’t have a clue either!"

H’WOOD: "Nobody’s got a freaking monkey dumping clue, Beansprouts! Nothing can ever go normally for Doc and Rook because nothing they’ve ever done can be considered even a shred monkey dumping normalcy!"

O’CONNOR: "This Guardsman is mudstomping a hole in Rook’s head! The rest of the National Guard is swarming the cage in complete horror at what’s going on now! Rook is trapped in the cage against the challenger and an apparent MUTINOUS Guardsman! …this Guardsmen…he’s pointing at Doc to pick up the flask… Doc stumbling towards it…leaning over as the Guardsman follows him and (LOUD GROANS! BOOS!) NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! HE JUST PUNTED DOC IN THE NUTS FROM BEHIND! THE GUARDSMAN JUST NUTSHOTTED THE NEFARIOUS NUTSHOT DEAN! No…No…NOOOOOOOO! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) RELEASE DRAGON SUPLEX ON THE DOCTOR! CURIOSITY’S GOT HIS NECK FOLDED LIKE THE LAUNDRY! The GuardSman…he’s on the apron and RUNNING UP the turnbuckles! (crowd buzz!) LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRASH! GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOO! FROG SPLASH ON CURIOISTY! OHMYGAHHHHHHD!"

(CUTTO: Guardsman #19 yelling into his Bluetooth, "LIFT THE CAGE! THERE’S A BREACH! LIFT IT!")

O’CONNOR: "This is surreal…"

H’WOOD: "Well, we knew that much would be true about the match…"

(CLOSEUP: GUARDSMAN #13 leaning and pressing on DOC CURIOSITY, splayed out on the man…gurgling and half-heartedly choking. He starts whispering…)

if it were only audible to the crowd they’d truly see everything coming…but alas, you are the audience seated upon the 4th wall…

"You were supposed to be the GOODman, Chris. …but I cannot be fooled, like them. I see the portico stirring echoes on the dark side of the brain, meddling and numb. Your forgotten truth self-imposed in exile, atop a thundering mountain jailed…the reality of identity. You wait for me, my greatest enemy who could have been my greatest friend…"

(CUTTO: ROOK lolling on his side, observing the interactions with a half-concussed curiosity.)

O’CONNOR: (over loud screaming!) "I can’t make out what he’s saying in there, Lamont…an apparent mole in Rook Black’s guardsmen has seemingly thrown this whole match into complete hysteria!"

H’WOOD: "It’s Mystery Monkey Dumping 3000 Theatre! And they have their moments, Beansprouts…I honestly DON’T CARE what this Guardsmen saying because he’s at least MAIMING them."

"We lost the ladies, but we could have shared the wine! For so many dull years, you were given shameless keys. Brothers and saviors constantly offering the redemption of reality and yet…you curiously walk away for the false idolatry of Curiosity."

(CLOSEUP: GUARDSMEN 13 looks behind himself, his lips pursing as he glares at ROOK BLACK’s blank observant nature…)

"You will always seem lonely and listless if you do not possess the passion to hate."

O’CONNOR: "I don’t know what’s going on in there…"

(SFX: SCREECH! CROWD ROARS!)

O’CONNOR: "The cage is coming up! The cage is coming up! GUARDSMEN are SURROUNDING the cage, their eyes peeled on their mutineer!"

"And tonight, of all men you would mock it would be him… you pretended to breathe his black air like you didn’t care…"

H’WOOD: "I haven’t heard a bell ring yet! This could be one cluster monkey dump of a match right here…"

(CUTTO: GUARDSMEN #13 stands over CURIOSITY…)

"I’ll raise the blade, I’ll make the change…I’ll re-arrange you 'till I'm sane."

O’CONNOR: "Some Guardsmen are rolling under the cage as it lifts! (LOUD ROARS!) THEY’RE IN! The Mutineer in the ring…this damn lunatic is now looking for a way out! A Guardsmen’s in the ring, OH! (groans!) Running knee by the infiltrator, knocking a Guardsmen off the apron and into the cage! HE’S FOLLOWING HIM OUT! Other Guardsmen rushing out and LOOK OUT! HE’S GOT A CHAIR!"

H’WOOD: "Nice drop and roll on his part too! I think these guards are going to stomp the monkey dumping snot out of him! (LOUD SCREAMS!) OK, CHECK THAT. He’s off the deep end…"

O’CONNOR: "HE’S CLIMBING UP THE CAGE!"

(CUTTO: ROOK BLACK crawling towards DOCTOR CURIOSITY, the crowd now screaming from all different directions due to the paradoxical need to watch a man climbing up a raising cage with a championship and five-year feud at stake…)

O’CONNOR: "Rook… (LOUD SCREAMS!) OH BOY! He’s got Curiosity wrapped in what looks to be an head and arm triangle submission!"

H’WOOD: "If were giving a fourth wall script out, he was already on his 55th straight dialogue line of ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…" (H’WOOD fake snorts and whistles like Mr. Magoo snoring)

(QUICK CUTTOs: GUARDSMEN #13 saluting the NATIONAL GUARDSMEN watching the cage go up. Fans trying to throw their cups and trash at the rising cage! BLACK leaning against DOC’s, cherry-red face…CURIOSITY’s legs barely even kicking. HERPIN crawling over…drained, exhausted and half-conscious himself…ROOK leaning and staring blankly out into the undulating waves of the angry crowd, seemingly talking to himself.)

"I want you to know that I think it is a shame this is how it ends…"

O’CONNOR: "HERPIN’S RAISING DOC’S ARM! (LOUD BOOS! TRASH FLYING EVERYWHERE!) THIS CROWD THINKS THIS IS A SHAM!"

(QUICK CUTTO: DOC’s arm drops as HERPIN wearily raises it a second time! GUARDSMEN watching #13 climb onto a scaffolding plank that connects to a stairwell…other GUARDSMEN seeing that their champion as in control and acting pensively. REFEREES SPERANZA and DAVEY holding their heads, huddling outside the ring and watching HERPIN drop DOC’S arm for a second time!)

O’CONNOR: (LOUD BOOS!) "SPERANZA and DAVEY…they’re not rushing in! They’re not stopping Herpin!"

H’WOOD: "What’s fair was fair! Doc brought this on himself, when he got Eegor involved! …he’s screwed enough people in the head over the last decade to finally reap the eventual rewards!

O’CONNOR: (the crowd STILL booing!) "It’s a good thing you don’t live in a glass house!"

"I never wanted to know your name. It is such a boring truth eclipsed by a thrilling lie."

(FADEOUT)

O’CONNOR: (V/O, over LOUD BOOS!) "IT DROPS! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!"

(SFX: BELL RINGING! LOUD BOOS!)

(MUSICUP: "Dark Side of the Moon" – Pink Floyd)

ROLLCREDITS

• Spoiler Alert - Written by
• Welcome to the Show! - Written by
• Charlie Crowe vs. Jack Bryant - Written by Biron
• Pawn that Prospect! - Written by BFF
• Bloodhunt vs. Dan Ryan - Written by KB
• Hollywood's on Fire w/ Joe the Plumber - Written by Double G
• Executive Decisions - Written by
• Doc Curiosity vs. Rook Black (c) - Written by

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