NFW Crash TV: 50

V/O: "PREVIOUSLY…in NFW."

(MUSICUP: "One Hit (To the Body)" – The Rolling Stones)

(FADEIN: A dingy, black basement passing itself off as a bar. 1,000 wrestling fans are hopping up and down as WILDSTAR perches on the top rope, while AIDAN CAMPBELL and STEVE RADDER are on the mat below…and ALEX WYLDE is sneaking up onto the apron…)

H’WOOD: "WYLDE is at ringside! 'Star doesn't see him and he's on the top rope!" (CLOSEUP: Theref is pre-occupied with getting Radder out of the ring, who's giving him trouble. ALEX WYLDE sneaks up behind Wildstar with the chair in hand...) GOOD NIGHT IREEEEEEEEEEEEN! (SFX: CHAIRSHOT!) NOOOOOOOO!

O’CONNOR: "WILDSTAR just fell off the turnbuckles, and WYLDE just threw the dented chair into the crowd! (CLOSEUP: Wylde giving the fallen 'Star the bird, and walking back down the aisle, Campbell groggily gets back up from the mat and picks up 'Star as the ref turns around after getting Radder in the corner) CAMPBELL picks up 'Star...he's got him hooked in a FULL NELSON...and he hits a FALLAWAY SLAM! HE CALLS THAT 'THE OVERDRIVE'! Campbell covers, ONE--TWO--THREE!(bell rings)

H’WOOD: "This is a sad day in wrestling!"

(CUTTO: Alex Wylde walking back to the dressing room with a smirk on his face when all of a sudden THE OBLIVION EXPRESS fly out from the entrance curtain, which Wylde reacts to by jumping into the crowd and high-tailing it! The camera shifts back to the ring with the ref holding up Campbell's hand)

SIMS V/O: "The WINNER of this match, 'WWWWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHLD CHILD!' AAAAAAAAAAAAIDANCAMPBELLLLLLLLLLLL!

H’WOOD: "I don't believe it, O'Connor! The first card and we no longer have a FIVE STAR ATHLETE here in NEW FRONTIER! WE'RE NOTHING! WHAT are we gonna do?"

(The scene from the INAUGURAL CRASH TV in May 2000 slowly fades out as the familiar sounds of the bodies crashing on the mat are heard, until...)


(BLAST OF STATIC!)


(FADEIN: PAUL TSONGAS ARENA, CRASHMAS II 2001, CRASH EPISODE 8: The immortal Fatal Fourway World Heavyweight Championship match between RICK RYCONICK, SHANE SOUTHERN, ARMANDO MONTEZUMA and BLOODHUNT.)

O'CONNOR: "Monty smiling big, and he's got Ryconik uHHHHHHHHHP FAIR SHAKE! FAIR SHAKE! (Crowd is going crazy!) Ryconik is PASTE!"

H'WOOD: "Shane tagged Ryconiks' leg though! He's not the legal man!"

O'CONNOR: "Monty floats over, and he's got the cover! Monty slapping his hand on the mat, and there's no count! Monty looks up, and referee Phillips tells him that Ryconiks not legal! Monty beside himself, and he shoves the ref, and (Crowd pops!) PHILLIPS SHOVES HIM BACK! Monty in shock, turns arounnnd AND THERE'S SHANE! THERE'S SHANE! MONTY TURNS AROUND AND WALKS RIGHT INTO (SFX: Another wicked Smack!) THE SUPERKICK! PARTY'S OVER! PARTY'S OVER! (Crowd going crazy!) MONTY IS OUT OF HIS BOOTS! Shane drops to his knees and covers! Referee Phillips drops down... ONE.... TWO.... THREE! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!" (The crowd goes insane as BLOODHUNT falls into the ring and breaks the fall up a second too late!)

H'WOOD: "OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

SIMS: "THE WINNER, AND NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW NEW FRONTIER WORLD CHAMPIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.... SHAYYYYYNNNNNNNNNNNNE SOUTHERRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

(And so we FADEOUT once again, the historic 2001 encounter now a hall-of-fame moment…much like…)


(BLAST OF STATIC!)


(CUTTO: 2003, the camera panning Paul Tsongas Arena – which looks completely renovated. There’s multiple cameras set up in the crowd, above the ring and throughout the arena. CUTTO: The entrance ramp is raised off the ground – where the wrestlers come out, on the left a NFW NORTH blue/gold banner hangs from the rafters to the ground, on the right a red/grey NFW SOUTH banner hangs Above the pyros section, and b/t the banners the red/white/blue NFW CRASH TV logo hangs from the rafters resting behind the NFW Fantron. CUTTO: Inside the Paul Tsongas Control room, or currently being used as the NFW Studio – a wall of television sets on the right, rows of television on the ceiling. In back, you can see the glass panes to a skybox. Workers are buzzing around like bees trying to get something done…CUTTO: KERRY O’CONNOR wearing a dark green suit and tie, LAMONT HOLLYWOOD in his standard fare white ascot outfit. They’re sitting behind a desk (ESEN Sports logo present) with a 50" TV behind them. O’CONNOR and H’WOOD are both smiling.)

O’CONNOR: "We could start this show with a lot of hype, fancy words and rumors from tonight. But Lamont and I have decided that there’s even a simpler way to make sure you don’t touch that dial. If you’ve never heard of New Frontier, you should know the ACTION is what matters…and if you don’t believe that here’s TEN reasons why you shouldn’t move. TEN."

(CUTTO: EVAN AHO ducks under a Big Boot from Damien Priest, spins around and hooks the 7 footer into a Dangerous German Suplex! CUTTO: H’WOOD grinning…)

H’WOOD: "The kid has game, but not like NINE."

(CUTTO: MICHAEL MANSON leaps at ARMANDO MONTEZUMA who catches him and delivers a Release High Cradle Suplex!)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "Number EIGHT ain’t so shabby, either!"

(And the historic tenth episode of CRASH TV slowly FADES TO BLACK. The first minutes to the first week of the first Ultratitle episode on the first night of ESEN’s satellite signal beaming into the ether…which produced an evolution of sorts that God may never have intended…)


(BLAST OF STATIC!)


(CUTTO: 2004. NORTH CHARLESTON COLISEUM, SOUTH CAROLINA. CRASHMAS IV, EPISODE 26. In the ring, attendants are trying to push SHANE SOUTHERN away from CALVIN CARLTON and into a wheelchair…since his SOUTH CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP opponent, JOEY MELTON has been feigning paralysis for weeks in the hopes of winning the heart of LINDSAY TROY.)

O’CONNOR: "SOUTHERN IS GOING MENTAL! TROY defending MELTON! Here come the attendants and they pull Shane away! Joey Melton is freaking out – like a dog that got shocked by a collar! Carlton is starting a ten count! I don’t believe this! He’s going to count Southern out from his chair?"

H’WOOD: "It wouldn’t be any worse than how Bloodhunt lost the strap the first time..."

O’CONNOR: "Troy trying to reason with Shane – wait a minute..."

(CUTTO: SOUTHERN grabs TROY’s arm, she’s giving him a cold stare that if he doesn’t release her – a boot is going to come sidewinding into his jaw before he can figure out where it even came from...only SOUTHERN does the unthinkable...causing the crowd TO CHEER!)

H’WOOD: "Welcome to NFW After Dark!!"

O’CONNOR: "SOUTHERN JUST DIPPED TROY AND SHOVED HIS TONGUE IN HER MOUTH!"

(CUTTO: TROY’S arms fall limp for a moment, as MELTON is screaming "HEY! HEY! HEYYYYYYYYYYY!" even though to Shane and Lindsay, everything fades out except the moment of bliss together...that is until Shane releases himself softly from Lindsay’s lips and a look in his eyes the world hasn’t seen in a year...meanwhile, MELTON is festering, convulsing...)

O’CONNOR: "Shane standing up..."

(CROWD EXPLODES!)

H’WOOD: "HUHLLLLLLLOHHH!"

(When you get a taste of the fine Southern sugar, you don’t wait around. With a strong tug of the hair, Lindsay reels Shane in for a second kiss; a timeless moment that could only be broken up in such a way that the crowd starts screaming like testosterone festering banshees...yet, not even that can drown out the battle cry of a man being released from bondage...from a chair...from insurmountable pain...or at the very least, if this dramatic bullshit is tiring you...one very sick hoax of trying to get laid...)

O’CONNOR: "MELTON JUST TACKLED SOUTHERN! HE’S POUNDING ON HIM WITH LEFTS AND RIGHTS! MELTON IS GOING FERAL! He stands up and bounces off the ropes!"

( "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!")

H’WOOD: "Yep. I don’t think she was in on this."

O’CONNOR: "LINDSAY TROY JUST LEG LARIATED MELTON! SHE’S STRADDLING HIM AND CHOKING MELTON!"

H’WOOD: "You know, 500,000 people die a year of asphyxiation during orgasm."

(…and so we FADE AWAY from the regality of ULTRATITLE SEASON ONE. Where more honor, more integrity and more monkeys awaited us in ULTRATITLE SEASON TWO…FADETOBLACK)

(MUSICUP: "BABA O’REILLY" – The Who)

(FADEIN: A fast-forwarding daylong glimpse of the FLEET CENTER all the way through dusk as tents are put up, beer gardens are overflowing and a gigantic tailgate teeming with thousands upon thousands of New Frontier Wrestling fans get going with their own pre-game festivities. As they start filing inside the glistening arena…the scene fades…)

KERRY O’CONNOR (V/O): "At the tail-end of 2007, New Frontier Wrestling retired the Ultratitle Championship to the annals of professional wrestling history. At an apex on the global scale of this historic sport, NFW decided to reconstruct, reconfigure and restructure itself while being the proven leader in sports entertainment. Riding high on the shoulders of one of the CARDS OF THE DECADE, WRESTLEBOWL II…the Professionals, CRAIG MILES and EDDIE MAYFIELD took the reigns of a locker room representing the NFW everyman."

(FLASH CUTTO’s: KIN HIROSHSI wearing the NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP belt at CRASH 40…with many fans jeering. DAN RYAN walking out at CRASH 44 in HOUSTON, the NFW World Championship glittering around his waist. NOVA standing on the turnbuckles at WRESTLESTOCK II, fans joining him in double blunt salute w/ the NFW World Championship draped over his shoulder.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "Over the next two years, New Frontier Wrestling marched through a revolution to a new place in its iconic foothold in wrestling history. Craig Miles is long gone, retired into the limelights of the hall of fames everywhere in the industry while Eddie Mayfield through accusations, perceptions and the welfare of his own body…has brought us to a night that could go down as the greatest of the decade."

(FLASH CUTTO’s: JOE THE PLUMBER lying across a ladder in the aftermath of his infamous WRESTLESTOCK II TV TITLE ROYALE defense. IMPULSE latching onto the TV Title during the SEARS TOWER match. The HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW celebrating over the fallen NEW DAWN RISING. JOE THE PLUMBER holding up the World Championship over a fallen NOVA.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "Through the ashes of our past, we have are now in a phoenix fire of Joe the Plumber still NOT having his shoulders pinned to the mat, The Hollywood Wrecking Crew forging ahead as the greatest tag team, Impulse wrestling every night against any man. Tonight, we enter the Fleet Center on the precipice of something beautiful in its violence. Dozens of superstars from around the world, walking into New Frontier Wrestling for the first time…for a bunkhouse brawl like no other. SHAWN HART and MAX DANGER asking every smark’s wet dream match’s questions. CHAMPIONS like Sean Stevens…LEGENDARY ICONS like HORNET…wanting their shot to become the man to defeat Joe the Plumber as Steve Knox and Felix Red try to cement their status in NFW lore."

(CUTTO: An inside-the-arena shot of workers setting up everything for CRASH 50. A custom-made parquet floor design with the NFW CRIMSON REVOLUTION STAR being laid down just at the bottom of the ramp gantry, in front of where the ring will be setup. The FRONTIERtron’s area is being outfitted with hundreds of lights, pyrotechnic and smoke machines. With a giant REVOLUTION STAR behind the tron, the five corners show artistic versions of JTP, HWC, DORCHESTER STRATTON, WILDSTAR, ROOK BLACK, DOC CURIOSITY, IMPULSE, CASTOR STRIFE, HORNET, SEAN STEVENS, FELIX RED, STEVE KNOX, CUATRO EQUIS, HIGH FLYER and many, many more expected to show tonight…in some sort of doomsday battle.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "The administration of Dennis Edward Mayfield has been accused of forsaking what’s right in this sport by upstanding, young lions like Randall Knox. Joe the Plumber was labeled as a joke by every wrestler before he ascended to EVERY dirtsheet in the industry. Eddie Mayfield’s vision may not have been realized, the Wrestling Revolution may not have fulfilled every oath…but tonight, as we lay our own historic parquet for a night of epic proportions…one thing remains constantly and adamantly true."

(FADETOBLACK…MUSIC OUT.)

O’CONNOR: "Every wrestler, wrestling fan, wresting beatwriter and red-blooded HUMAN BEING wants to be at one place at this one moment in time. GROUND ZERO. LIVE ON CRASH TV."

(FADEIN: The glittering, twinkling arena nightline of the Fleet Center. Tens of thousands of cell phone flashes, popping camera bulbs and flickering lighters accompanied by the quaking stomps of 40,000 feet on beat one, 40,000 claps on beat two…)

(MUSICUP: The 20th Century Fox opening drumbeat.)

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERTRON’S outer borders surrounded by rotating, twisting Hollywood-style white spotlights hitting full-blast to a CROWD ERUPTION! The 20th Century Fox opening music introduction is gregariously humming with the crowd pandemonium, some fans humming along. The music finishes out and we’re just staying on the elegant view of 20th Century Moses-esque mountaintop…)

V/O: (after a belch) "Fuckin’ cold-activated bottled water makin’ me have to piss every fifteen minutes…"

(The crowd ROARS! An animated version of Craig Miles walking out of the ‘0’ in 20th, the view swaying around him as he starts taking a leak off the ledge! MILES flinches as he makes eye-contact with the audience…wearing a 70’s Zeppelin tour tee and jeans.)

MILES: "Oh…hey. F(BLEEP!)k, um…welcome to Crash 50. (arches up) Yeahhhhhhh, good times man. Good times…(zips up.) Enjoy the show."

(MILES turns around when all of a sudden, ANIMATED SHANE SOUTHERN! THE CROWD MARKS! SOUTHERN FIRES!)

KERRY O’CONNOR 2001 AUDIO CLIP: "PARRRRRRRRRRTY’S OVAHHHHHHH! PARTY’S OVAHHHHHHH!"

(MILES flies off the mountaintop to his certain death from impact! CUTTO: SHANE SOUTHERN standing there on the ledge, admiring his handiwork and then he looks up at the camera and gives a country boy’s nod to a crowd pop!)

SOUTHERN: "I’m Shane Southern AND YOU’RE LIVE AT GROUND ZERO! AND THIS! (crowd joins along!) IS! CR—"

(CUTTO: ANIMATED MICHAEL MANSON! HE’S GOT SOUTHERN AROUND THE HEAD FROM BEHIND! THE CROWD EXPLODES!)

O’CONNOR 2003 AUDIO CLIP: "SWEEEEEEEEEEEET DREAMS STUNAHHHHHH! SWEET DREAMS! SWEET DREAMS!"

(ANIMATED MANSON and SOUTHERN plummet to their certain deaths on the TRON. while HOMER SIMPSON walks out, but he gets whirled around by ANIMATED DAN RYAN! KICK TO THE STOMACH!)

O’CONNOR 2005 AUDIO CLIP: "HUMILITY BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMB!"

(RYAN doesn’t even have time to admire the destruction of SIMPSON ‘cause NOVA’s running and grabbing his head! TEXAS BULLDOG OFF THE MOUNTAIN!)

NOVA: "I’M AS HIGH AS A BARE-CHESTED PURPLE SINGAPORIAN GETTING HIS DICK TITTY-F(BLEEP!)ED BY TERI MELTON ON MIKE RANDALLS’ SAND PIRATE-POWDERED PSILOCYBIN PEYOTE SOUP!"

(The TRON fades to black…)

ONCE UPON A TIME…IN A WILD REALM OF THE WEST…

(MUSIC UP: "The Ecstasy of Gold" by Ennio Morricone)

(FADEIN: Black screen, white font. 5PM. Slowly, white lights starts misting around the FRONTIERtron. CUTTO: EL PRESIDENTE’S OFFICE – EDDIE MAYFIELD surrounded by his security, smoking a cigar. An attaché case is on his mahongany table, MAYFIELD pulls out a Cuban Camel Cigar and lights it up as he glances into setting sun. The camera turns around to reveal BLOODHUNT sitting in his visitor’s seat. He takes the case and looks at MAYFIELD with an expressionless glance. MAYFIELD’s eyes make contact with him.)

MAYFIELD: (with a nod) "Do your job and you’re in business."

(Before the crowd can even mark, the scene fades to black…and white font displays again…6PM. The music crescendo pulsating as smoke surrounds the FRONTIERtron. CUTTO: The back parking lot of the Fleet Center, a black matte 1970 Dodge Challenger rumbles into the picture and slowly swerves into the parking lot. The door opens and a familiar looking man comes into the focus of the picture as he stands up, smoking a Camel cigarette. ALIAS. A limousine pulls in as well, the Tin Angel watches from the back corner with a squinting expression. The driver exits and ‘XXX’ SEAN STEVENS slowly gets out and seems to nod at someone inside the limousine.)

STEVENS: "Stay in here for now, I’ll give you a call."

(The crowd buzzes, the scene fades to black…the music’s loud, the crowd’s juicing up…white font displays again, 7:30 PM. A four-way SPLIT-SCREEN 4-WAY: HORNET in a private locker room, sitting on a bench and bowing his head. He’s getting settled in, shirtless yet wearing suit pants. An Armani jacket hangs on a gold hook, he closes his eyes…sighs and pulls out more belongings, when he turns his head to the door of his locker room opening, a bright light filtering in. FELIX RED in his locker-room pre-game area. Hanger on’s and entourage alike, a lot of alcohol being spilt, smoke filling the air. RED is in his own corner, staring aimlessly into the perceived nothingness saround him. STEVE KNOX, getting his wrists taped and watching WRESTLESTOCK II’s TV BATTLE ROYALE. The lighting ominously leaving one side of his face covered in shadows as he watches the end of the epic encounter. JOE THE PLUMBER, in the bowels of the arena. Walking with his head bowed, the NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP draped over his shoulder. Glancing blows from the rusty pipes and mold-covered cement walls only make him grunt.)

(The climax of the song reaches…the FRONTIERtron fades to black as the arena house lights try to burn out the fan’s retinas to their cacophonous roars!)

(THE ARENA GOES BLACK! NO MUSIC, leaving the Ecstasy of the Gold’s final bells tolling...)

WHEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOM! KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(MUSICUP: "SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE" – RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!)

KERRY O’CONNOR: "BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHSTEN, MASSACHOOOOOOOOOOOOSETTS! YOU HAVE REACHED GROUND ZEROHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(CUTTO: The crowd leaping up and down frenetically in joy, fireworks and pyrotechnics exploding upon every orifice of the Fleet Center air!)

O’CONNOR: (w/ the crowd joining in!) "ANNNNNNNNNNND! THIS! IS! ...CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH! TEEEEEEEEEEEEE! VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

(CUTTO: A BOOOOOOOOOOOMING! round of fireworks explode again over the FRONTIERtron as the WIRE-CAM swirls over the bombastically cheering audience! Spotlights swirl from the rafters, fire jets out of the ringposts! A GIGANTIC CAGE hangs near the covered championship banner area! CUTTO: Fans at ringside throwing their hands up in victory! "NF-DUB!" chants echoing everywhere as signs are thrusted into view – "JTP WILL DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!" "CASTOR STRIFE FILMED MY HONEYMOON!" "ROOK BLACK’S THEORIES ON RELATIVITY, ROBOTS AND REALITY ARE AN EXISTENTIALIST BOMB ON MY BEER-SWILLED BRAIN!" "I DID ACID AND SAW FELIX RED SMOKE WITH THE EVIL, EVIL MONKEYYYYY!" (cartoon included) "MASKS ARE FOR UNICORNS! BEERS ARE FOR DOS EQUIS! HONOR IS FOR BATPULSE! DEATH IS FOR JACK HARMEN!" The cameras pull out as dozens of more signs and grown adults wear HORNET FACEPAINT in a sequential timeline from the lime green/black early 90’s, to the late 90’s Sunglasses and ‘Nothing Personal’ days to the plain black of the early millennium…

CUTTO: RINGSIDE! KERRY O’CONNOR is holding his arms up in the air, beaming proudly as LAMONT HOLLYWOOD watches the whole scene in putrid disgust. O’CONNOR is wearing his traditional navy blue ESEN blazer, khaki pants and a blue tie. H’WOOD is decked out in gold rimmed sunglasses, white suit and pants, royal purple and gold ascot.)

O’CONNOR: "WELCOME ONE! WELCOME ALL! And a WELCOME BACK TO BAHHHHHSTEN (loud pop!) for New Frontier Wrestling on the eve of perhaps…PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING’S GREATEST LIVE EXPERIENCE OF ALL-TIME! (LOUD ROARS!) There is no way to recap it, there is no way to properly put it into words, but as we have now reached the DAWN OF THE FIFTIETH EPISODE OF CRASH TV…we are now at the onset of what could be FOUR…FIVE HOURS of complete, unadulterated, WRESTLING BRILLIANCE! (LOUD ROARS!) Everything and everyone about this sport is on display tonight! We’ve got Bunkhouse Brawls, War Games, Dream SUPERFIGHTS, Tag Team Streetfights, 4 championships, 1 career and A PENTAGRAM MATCH MAIN EVENT with 5 of the GREATEST WRESTLERS on the PLANET! It’s a night already in infamy before its started and two minutes in, LAMONT HOLLYWOOD…(LOUD BOOS! H’WOOD SNEERS!) I think for the first time in FIFTY TRIES, you might have something nice to say about it!"

(H’WOOD addresses his ascot, his smug sneer intensifying over the loud boos and "BEAT L.A.!" chants in the ‘new’ BOSTON GARDEN.)

H’WOOD: "And for the FIFTIETH TIME in FIFTY TRIES, Beansprout…I’m here to tell you HOW WRONG YOU ARE! (MORE BOOS! "BEAT L.A.! BEAT L.A.!") Here you are in the GLORIOUS FILTH OF YOUR ELEMENT, BAKED BEANS…but I’m the one in this stinkpie of a city and about to watch however many hour of disgusting violence! (loud pop!) Rivers of gushing blood! (louder pop! H’WOOD scoffs) And all capped by the mere possibility that after the end of tonight, vermin scum like JOE THE PLUMBER will stand atop the WRESTLING MOUNTAIN (LOUD ROARS! "JOE! JOE! JOE!") and STILL be representing this federation as WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, while the GREATEST WRESTLERS of DYNASTY (LOUD BOOS!) are subjected to career-threatening matches against mystery opponents! (MORE BOOS!) IN BOSTON OF ALL F(BLEEP!)ING CITIES! THE SEWAGE DUMP OF HUMANITY! (LOUD BOOS!) THIS IS MY HELL ON EARTH! But maybe, Beanfry…just maybe…it’s all a ploy of our PROFOUND PRESIDENT in showing that HELL ON EARTH can’t defeat DYNASTY…or ME!"

(H’WOOD holds his arms up in victory, while the crowd boos reach epic proportions, beer cups and trash flying nearby! O’CONNOR pinches his nose in eternal frustration.)

O’CONNOR: "Just once…just once."

H’WOOD: "Stick it in your can, Beanjuice! Like the prophet I am, I will overcome your hometown of Satanicism and prevail!"

O’CONNOR: "In just a few moments, Dorchester Stratton will hopefully lose to Wildstar and I will be no doubt enjoy laughing in your face for the rest of the night for your karmic sins against your son and DYNASTY. (O’CONNOR breathes and returns to his old, smiling self) And AFTER that, we will have around a dozen wrestlers in a BUNKHOUSE STAMPEDE! (loud pop!) After that, we’ve got a WAR GAMES match with HIGH FLYER’S vendetta against masked wrestlers coming to a full climax! (LOUDER POP!) That could probably sell out most events, but that might just be the end of the first hour! We’ve got SHAWN HART and MAX DANGER, two of wrestling’s most gifted and INDEPENDENT WORLDWIDE SENSATIONS competing against each other in a SUPERCHAMPION SUPERFIGHT EXHIBITION! (LOUD CHEERS!) Then, the table is set as we go FOUR FOR FOUR ON NFW CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHES! A mystery team will challenge the HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW under Presidential Order! IMPULSE will defend the TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP against CASTOR STRIFE in their newly minted rivalry! ROOK BLACK and DOC CURIOSITY battle in a NATIONAL GUARD NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP! Two legends in an innovative and certainly exciting endeavor, but in the end…STEVE KNOX and FELIX RED weren’t enough. (CROWD POP!) GLOBAL CHAMPION SUPERSTAR ‘TRIPLE-X’ SEAN STEVENS wasn’t enough. (BOOS!) HALL OF FAME LEGEND HORNET (LOUD CHEERS! "PAUL IS DEAD!" chants!) …is the icing on the PENTAGRAM WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH! JOE THE PLUMBER (CROWD EXPLOSION!) TAKES THE WORLD ON ONE MORE TIME!"

H’WOOD: "I’m…I’m…(H’WOOD feigns vomiting off to the side of the camera) …BE SICK."

(CUTTO: AIDAN CAMPBELL and STEVE RADDER sitting in a special area at ringside, watching the SCOREBOARD FLATSCREEN and laughing.)

O’CONNOR: "We’ve got all the MAIN EVENTERS from the first 50 in the building and who knows who else is here tonight! We’ll be back after a 5-second regional identification before quite possibly NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING’s BLOODIEST, GUTTING HATRED OF A RIVALRY GETS SETTLED! WILDSTAR VS. DORCHESTER STRATTON IS LEADING OFF NEXT!"

(FADEOUT.)

(FADEIN: Back LIVE! Ringside as the crowd’s buzzing and LAMONT HOLLYWOOD and KERRY O’CONNOR are situated and ready to begin the night’s journey…)

O’CONNOR: Well, it’s now nearly time for our first match tonight. And there’s no point going over the back story for this one. WildStar. Dorchester Stratton. This is it. WIldStar’s career versus the tag title belts of Dorchester’s new stable mates… the Hollywood Wreckning Crew.

H’WOOD: I have all the faith in the world tonight that Dorchester’s going to come through with this thing. He was personally welcomed into The Dynasty by Calvin Carlton, a man of unsurpassed intelligence and overflowing with class. But… if somehow WildStar gets lucky… you can be rest assured that my son, Blaine, will personally tan that worthless Dorchester’s hide with a belt hand tailored for my son to whip his servants with. And, in fact, if Dorchester loses… I’m going to be holding his arms down when he gets whipmarks in his flesh.

O’CONNOR: I would laugh if I thought you were joking.

(CUT TO: Lee Baby Sims in the ring.)

SIMS: Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the start of Crash 50! (The crowd goes nuts, as a series of flares and Roman candles fly over the ring entrance arena. A "Lee Baby" chant breaks out. Sims points to the back to his fan club.) It’s now time for our opening match… Coming to the ring –

(CUE UP: "I Am Superman" by R.E.M. The jangling guitars open the song followed by Mike Mills’ nasally voice bringing in the opening lyrics. The crowd almost immediately EXPLODES, everyone on their feet.)

O’CONNOR: If you can hear me right now, you’re doing better than I am.

(Up from the floor are five five-pointed stars glistening in gold sparks. Then, from the back… nothing but intensity on his face, staring around the arena, wearing a black singlet with a series of five red stars over the stomach… is WildStar. As soon as he steps out and looks around, the crowd chants HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS!)

O’CONNOR: This crowd is showering WildStar with love! One of the all-time legends in this sport… a man who was the first man to sign with New Frontier Wrestling when we got this league going… a man who has helped me throughout my career… is coming out to this ring with the reaction of a lifetime.

H’WOOD: He’d better get used to it… because it’s the last time he’s ever going to hear anyone chant his name!

O’CONNOR: WildStar is walking down to the ring. Usually, he’s incredibly flashy and is leading the crowd in chants of his name. But tonight, he’s completely serious. We’ve seen a series of emotional interviews from him over the past few weeks. His career’s on the line. And, not just that, but so is the financial well being of his entire family… which is the doings of that human scumbag Calvin Carlton.
H’WOOD: Beanpot, surely you scoff! It’s not Calvin Carlton’s fault that WildStar is dumber than Sarah Palin’s retarded child. Frankly, Calvin did WildStar a FAVOR by bankrupting him. That way, when he dies penniless and in some gutter, he’ll at least know why.

O’CONNOR: Now WildStar’s at the front row of the crowd. And… right there… it’s his lovely wife, Vanessa. And it’s his two sons, Kyle and Michael. The Reeves family. WildStar’s been very protective of his private life over the years. But for this match… he’s brought them here, since they’re what he’s fighting for tonight!

(WildStar reaches over the railing and gives his wife a kiss. Then he gets a hug from both his sons at once. Kyle then turns to the crowd and makes the Five Star Hand Gesture. In his wife’s hands is a portrait of Rayne. WildStar pounds his fist against his heart, than to the photo of Rayne.)

LEE BABY SIMS: And now, his opponent. Formerly a resident of the Lehigh Valley… now making his home in a penthouse condominium you can’t afford on Manhattan’s Upper East Side ---

(The crowd immediately erupts in a DC SUCKS! DC SUCKS! DC SUCKS! Chant, even before his music plays. CUE UP: "Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley. Out strutting, his short hair gelled, shirtless, wearing blue full-length leggings that read DYNASTY in gold down each side is Dorchester Stratton. Dorchester comes out, adjusting his wrist tape, smirking. He stands at the top of the ring entrance ramp, scanning the crowd and shaking his head in scorn.)

H’WOOD: That’s right, Dorchester. Look at these people with contempt! You’re better than they are. You’ve always been better than these people! And, don’t forget… you’re going to get sent right back to where you came from if you fail in your mission!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester just took two steps down the ring ramp and he just stops there. He’s glaring at WildStar, who has just removed himself from his family. These two are staring each other down. It’s like we’re watching a Western here, folks!

(The camera goes over Dorchester’s shoulder and closes in on WildStar.)
WildStar: I am going to end your life, you little piece of sh*t.

(The camera than goes over WildStar’s should and closes in on Dorchester.)

DORCHESTER: I’m going to ruin you, mother*cker.

O’CONNOR: Referee Greg Heprin is out of the ring, pointing to it and trying to get WildStar into it. But WildStar just shoves Heprin aside! And now he runs up the ramp! And Dorchester’s meeting him! IT’S ON! IT’S ON!

(The crowd ERUPTS as WildStar and Dorchester exchange a series of punches straight out of a minor league hockey playoff game. A deafening HE’S FIVE STARS CHANT is once again heard. The camera then pans to WildStar’s wife, who is shielding her kids from watching this.)

O’CONNOR: THESE TWO ARE GOING AT IT! PUNCH AFTER PUNCH! SO MUCH EMOTION! SO MUCH HATRED! IT’S ALL COMING OUT RIGHT NOW! DORCHESTER! WILDSTAR! DORCHESTER! WILDSTAR! DORCHESTER! WILDSTAR! WILDSTAR! WILDSTAR! Star just hit Dorchester with a left jab! And now a right! And now another right jab! Dorchester’s wobbly! Now Star NAILS him with his trademarked spin kick to the face! Dorchester just flipped over the railing and is in the crowd! And now look at him, backing off!
H’WOOD: Come on, Dorchester. Grow a pair of testicles… Kerry, I knew this wasn’t going to work out. I knew that Dorchester would never live up to the high standards of The Dynasty! He grew up poor!

O’CONNOR: WildStar is quick over the railing and… OOF! Dorchester just grabbed a Diet Coke from a kid and tossed it, cup and everything, right in WildStar’s eyes! And now he kicks WildStar right in the stomach! And now he drives his elbow right into WildStar’s face!

H’WOOD: This is why, Kerry! This is why I knew this kid has it!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester now pushes a fan out of the way… and he slams WildStar’s face into the seat! And now again! And now a third time! I just want to wipe that cocky smirk off his face… AND SO DOES WILDSTAR! WILDSTAR JUST JAMMED A THUMB INTO DORCHESTER’S THROAT! (Crowd: HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS!) And now with a knife-edged chop! And another! Dorchester’s walking up the steps with WildStar in tow!

H’WOOD: Come, Dorchester! O’Connor… Beanpie… this… this is why wrestling has rules! Because it keeps people like WildStar from acting like wild savages! MY son’s tag titles are at stake here and that man is frothing at the mouth like a rabid pop-bellied pig!

O’CONNOR: And your son is a big reason why! Dorchester and WildStar headed up the steps – OH! Dorchester just mule kicked WildStar who slipped going down the steps! Dorchester pounces right away, jumping with an elbow right onto ‘Star’s chest! He’s now choking WildStar! Heprin’s just standing there. There’s nothing he can do! Pinfalls count anywhere! No DQ!

H’WOOD: Come on, Dorchester! Choke the life out of him! He tried to ruin your life! HE TRIED TO KEEP YOU POOR! Beat the snot out of him!

O’CONNOR: WildStar grabs Dorchester by the back of his head… HE JUST RAMMED HIS SKULL RIGHT INTO DORCHESTER’S NOSE! AND ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! Dorchester’s wiping blood away! I think his nose has been busted! Now WildStar is pulling Dorchester up the steps… they’re near the top, headed towards the corridor out front! But Dorchester elbows WildStar right in the midsection! And now he grabs WildStar’s throat and slams his former mentor into the back of that wall! WildStar’s stunned… Dorchester wiping away the blood from his nose and mouth… AND NOW HE’S BITING WILDSTAR!

H’WOOD: Come on, Dorchester! Make this pig bleed! DO IT FOR ME! DO IT FOR BLAINE!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester now tosses WildStar to the floor of the main concourse! And now he follows with a kick right to the small of WildStar’s back! Star screaming in pain! Now Dorchester with another kick! And now Dorchester DROPKICKS ‘Star in the back of his head! Finally, we’ve seen some semblance of a wrestling move!

H’WOOD: I think Dorchester should be awarded the match based on that fact alone! DO YOU HEAR ME, HEPRIN? RING THE BELL!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester now stalking WildStar and goes in for a kick – NO! ‘Star sweeps the leg! And now Dorchester falls to the floor! Star immediately goes into a mount, and punches Dorchester with a right! And with another! Dorchester’s covering himself up as best as he can, but WildStar’s strikes are still hitting! WildStar’s an expert in various forms of martial arts, and he’s using these right here tonight! WildStar now picking Dorchester up by his hair… he knees Dorchester’s face! And another knee! Dorchester’s already bleeding, and now I think he’s missing a tooth or two!

H’WOOD: Come on, Dorchester! Show me that you’re not as worthless as I think you truly are!

O’CONNOR: OH! Dorchester just thumbed WildStar right in the eye! And now he goes down low… AND HE AND WILDSTAR JUST CRASHED INTO AN ICE CREAM FREEZER! And Dorchester got the best of that one, as WildStar’s holding his back and screaming in pain!

H’WOOD: LOUDER! I want those screams LOUDER!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester’s looking around… he’s by a T-shirt counter… and he clears off a whole wrack of Joe the Plumber T-Shirts! And he’s trying to rip off that steel handle… pulling it… WildStar gets up and tackles Dorchester! There’s clothing everywhere! There’s just a pile of wreckage on the arena floor right now… most of it human!

H’WOOD: I hope that WildStar’s forced to repay for all the lost merchandise sales tonight! Oh, wait… he can’t pay for anything anymore!

O’CONNOR: WildStar’s up first, dragging WildStar… OH NO! Dorchester just hit WildStar with a low blow! WildStar’s hunched over… OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(There’s a huge CRASH and glass breaking followed by WildStar’s awful, piercing screams.)

O’CONNOR: WILDSTAR’S A BLOODY MESS! WILDSTAR’S A BLOODY MESS! DORCHESTER JUST PUT WILDSTAR’S HEAD THROUGH THE GLASS OF THAT PRETZEL MACHINE! WILDSTAR’S BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG!

H’WOOD: THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!

O’CONNOR: DORCHESTER WITH THE COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Star kicks out! Dorchester covers again! ONE! TWO! NO! WildStar’s not going down without a fight, even if he’s going to need a few dozen stitches!

H’WOOD: And a few blood transfusions.

O’CONNOR: Dorchester now grabs WildStar by his ponytail… and is punching him right on his forehead! And again! They’re walking across the concourse now… AND DORCHESTER IS RAKING WILDSTAR’S HEAD ACROSS THE WALL! THERE’S BLOOD ALL OVER THAT WALL! And now Dorchester tosses WildStar to the floor!
H’WOOD: I hope WildStar’s COBRA plan includes Hepatitis treatment!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester picking Star up – NO! WildStar elbows Dorchester! And now he takes Dorchester down with a spinning backfist! He’s pounding away on his former protégé! He picks him up and is looking around… he takes Dorchester and slides him across a concession stand! Everything on the table just went flying… WildStar takes the table and drops it on Dorchester, laying into it with his shoulder for extra impact! WildStar to his feet… SOMMERSAULT SENTON ONTO THE TABLE! DORCHESTER’S UNDERNEATH THERE AND IS SCREAMING IN PAIN! There’s so many things he’s laying on, God only knows what’s piercing his flesh! COVER! ONE! TWO! NO!

H’WOOD: Dorchester, just think of everything that’s in stake for you in this match. Just think of Calvin’s yacht! It will get you through this!
O’CONNOR: Star on all fours now, the blood still pouring from his forehead. Dorchester rolling around, holding his ribs… and he’s got a gash down his side that’s going to require some hospitalization later on tonight… Greg Heprin’s looking on in disbelief… he looks like he might vomit.

H’WOOD: Well, if he does, make sure you do it near WildStar! He’s got to get used to that smell, since that’s what he’ll be cleaning up for the rest of his life!

O’CONNOR: WildStar now crawling over and mounts Dorchester again! A right hand! And another! And OHHH! DORCHESTER JUST GRABBED A NAPKIN DISPENSER AND HIT WILDSTAR IN THE CHIN WITH IT! Star falls off Dorchester and is on his side. He has NO idea where he is, and the blood pouring into his eyes isn’t making it any better! Dorchester now pulling himself up on the concessions stand to his feet, grabbing WildStar… and choking him! Star’s choking him right back… AND NOW BOTH OF THEM JUST FELL THROUGH RIGHT INTO THE MEN’S ROOM!

(A dad just shoves his son back against the wall as WildStar and Dorchester fall in, spilling blood everywhere, punching each other.)

O’CONNOR: These two are now going at it in the bathroom! Dorchester ducks down and checks WildStar into the wall! Dorchester slowly getting up… HE JUST BOUNCED WILDSTAR’S HEAD AGAINST THE PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER! Dorchester now stalking WildStar… AND WILDSTAR JUST KICKED DORCHESTER DOWN LOW! And Veronica Abrams Rumsfeld isn’t going to like that one bit!

H’WOOD: O’Connor, don’t you dare mention her name again! You’ve never even stepped foot on Martha’s Vineyard!

O’CONNOR: WildStar now pushes Dorchester against the stall of the toilet… OH MY GOD! HE JUST RAMMED THE DOOR INTO DORCHESTER’S SKULL! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! Dorchester looks like he’s bleeding from his ear! WildStar now behind Dorchester and picks him up… HE’S SHOVING DORCHESTER’S FACE INTO THE TOILET!

H’WOOD: He’s going to drown him! He’s going to drown him!

O’CONNOR: WIldStar’s eyes are just filled with pure bloodlust! Dorchester’s feet are kicking as WildStar’s shoving his face into a toilet bowl! He’s trying to drown the creep! OHHH! Dorchester just elbowed WildStar right in the mouth, and I saw a tooth go flying! Both men now crawling out of the stall… Dorchester grabs a toilet plunger… and whips the wooded end across WildStar’s back. And again! WildStar crawling around the floor… Dorchester whips the toilet plunger against the edge of the toilet stall and it breaks in two.

H’WOOD: GET HIM! GET HIM!

O’CONNOR; DORCHETSER’S JUST JABBED THE JAGGED EDGE OF THAT STICK INTO WILDSTAR’S FOREHEAD! HE’S NOW DRIVING IT IN! WILDSTAR’S SCREAMING LIKE AN ANIMAL! HEPRIN’S ASKING IF HE WANTS TO GIVE UP BUT HE’S NOT!

H’WOOD: COME ON, DORCHESTER! KILL HIM IF YOU HAVE TO!

O’CONNOR: DORCHESTER’S SHOWING NO MERCY! THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! DORCHESTER COVERS! ONE! TWO! THREE-NO! NO! NO! WILDSTAR GOT HIS SHOULDER UP! AND HE JUST PUNCHED DORCHESTER RIGHT IN THE THROAT! Stratton falls backwards… Star picks himself up… AND HE JUST DROPKICKED DORCHESTER! DORCHESTER GOES FLYING RIGHT INTO A BATHROOM MIRROR! THERE’S BLOOD AND GLASS EVERYWHERE!

H’WOOD: Dorchester… just keep in this match. Calvin will get you the best medical care in the world… just DON’T LOSE THIS for the love of God!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester staggering on his feet but just fell out of the bathroom. WildStar’s following, also crawling. There’s a disgusting trail of blood pouring onto the floor… this isn’t anything even close to anything we’ve ever seen before here in NFW. Hell… if we’ve ever seen anything so vicious and primal in wrestling, I’d be damned. These two are trying to KILL each other. We seriously should think about ending this, just for these guys safety. There’s blood loss issues… it’s seriously DANGEROUS here.

H’WOOD: Just as long as the right person dies at the end… I say let them fight!

O’CONNOR: Both men SOMEHOW getting to their feet… And now WildStar tosses Dorchester back towards the crowd! They’re both now staggering up the stairs into the second level!

CROWD: HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STAR! HE’S FIVE STARS!

O’CONNOR: Both men somehow standing, despite their legs quivering! Just leaning on each other... both exchanging punches… pulling each other’s hair… WildStar knees Dorchester! And again! And now he’s using his foot to choke Dorchester who’s leaning back against the ring railing! DORCHESTER MIGHT FALL OVER! DORCHESTER’S TRYING TO FIGHT HIS WAY OUT! HE JUST KICKED WILDSTAR IN HIS EXPOSED KNEE! And WildStar just fell into a chair! Thank GOD that fan just moved out of the way!

H’WOOD: Yeah, thank God for Dorchester, who may have caught a communicable disease from these people!

O’CONNOR: Dorchester now wailing away on WildStar! He picks Star up and SLAMS him against the railing! DORCHESTER’S NOW TRYING TO PUSH WILDSTAR OVER! WILDSTAR HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE! HE’S HOLDING ON WITH EVERYTHING HE HAS! WILDSTAR NOW HAS DORCHESTER IN A HEAD SCISSORS! HE’S SQUEEZING DORCHESTER WITH HIS COBRA LIKE LEGS! DORCHESTER SCREAMING IN PAIN! DORCHESTER PUSHES STARRRROHHHHHHHMMMMMYYYYGOOOODDDDDD!!!!!

(The crowd bugs out and then starts to chant "Holy F*CK! Holy F*CK!)

O’CONNOR: WILDSTAR IS HOLDING ONTO THE RAILING! DORCHESTER’S HOLDING ONTO WILDSTAR’S BOOTS! HE’S HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE! LOOK AT THE PANIC ON HIS FACE! HIS LIFE IS LITERALLY IN THE BALANCE HERE! SO IS WILDSTAR’S!

H’WOOD: What about the panic on MY face? My son’s TITLE BELT is at stake!

(CUT TO: A shot of Veronica crying as she holds both her sons right next to her, cradling them.)

O’CONNOR: DORCHESTER’S SCREAMING! WILDSTAR TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE! DORCHESTER DANGLING ON WILDSTAR’S FEET! WILDSTAR DANGING, GRASPING THAT RAILING WITH EVERYTHING HE’S GOT! DORCHESTER’S STARTING TO SLIP! DORCHESTER’S STARTING TO SLIP! DORCHESSTERRRRRRRRR!!!!

(Dorchester SCREAMS as he lets go of WildStar’s boot and plummets. The crowd is SCREAMING – not in joy, but in pure panic – as Dorchester drops and hits the ring ramp! The announcers are silent as Dorchester lies there, completely motionless, with WildStar still dangling.)

O’CONNOR: WILDSTAR’s HOLDNG ON FOR DEAR LIFE. AND HE’S TRYING TO… HE’S SKINNING THE CAT! HE"S SKINNING THE CAT! WILDSTARRR… JUST PULLED HIMSELF BACK UP TO SAFETY! AND THAT TOOK EVERY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH! WHAT ABSOLUTE COURAGE! WHAT ABSOLUTE COURAGE! WILDSTAR JUST COLLAPSES ONTO A SEAT! THE FANS AROUND HIM ARE PATTING HIM ON HIS SHOULDERS!

(CROWD: HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS!)

O’CONNOR: REFERRE SPERENZA IS OUT CHECKING ON DORCHESTER! SO ARE SOME MEDICS! HE HIT THAT RAMP HARD! WILDSTAR’S ALMOST COMPLETELY PASSED OUT, BUT HE’S STARTING TO COME TO LIFE!

H’WOOD: COME ON DORCHESTER! GET UP! GET UP, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH!

O’CONNOR: SOMEHOW… SOMEHOW DORCHESTER IS MOVING! THANK GOD HE’S NOT DEAD! THANK GOD HE’S NOT CRIPPLED! WILDSTAR’S COMING TO! HE’S LOOKING OVER THE RAILING AND SEES DORCHESTER LYING THERE! AND HIS MOUTH HAS JUST DROPPED! HE CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HE’S SEEING! HE CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HE JUST DID!

H’WOOD: DORCHESTER… JUST THINK! THINK OF HOW MUCH YOU’LL PLEASE BLAINE! JUST MOVE! MOVE, DAMN IT!

O’CONNOR: WILDSTAR’S LOOKING OVER THE RAILING IN DISBELIEF! AND NOW HE SCANS THE CROWD! THERE’S A BIG GULP IN HIS THROAT! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY!

(WildStar steps onto the ledge and looks around nervously as the crowd buzzes and starts to chant HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS!)

O’CONNOR: WILDSTAR!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

(WildStar LEAPS off the balcony with his trademarked Five Star Frog Splash! But as he falls… Dorchester rolls over.)

O’CONNOR: NO! NO! NO! WILDSTAR HIT THE RING RAMP! WILDSTAR HIS THE RING RAMP! HE’S CRAWLING AROUND, HOLDING HIS RIBS! AND NOW HE’S JUST LYING THERE! DORCHESTER’S NEXT TO HIM! MEDICS! SPERANZA! NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO! DORCHESTER TURNING AROUND!

(Dorchester’s on the ring ramp, coiled like a snake. Blood all over his face… and drool coming out of his mouth.)

O’CONNOR: NO! NO! DORCHESTER WITH THE COVER!

H’WOOD: YES! YES! YES!

O’CONNOR: THIS IS GOING TO BE IT! ONE! TWO! THRENOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WILDSTAR GOT HIS SHOULDER UP!

(CROWD: HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS!)

O’CONNOR: DORCHESTER CAN’T BELIEVE IT! WILDSTAR’S OUT COLD BUT SOMEHOW… SOMEHOW HE GOT HIS SHOULDER UP! NOW DORCHESTER… HE’S TRYING TO PULL WILDSTAR UP TO HIS FEET! WILDSTAR’S STAGGERING! STAR SWINGS WITH A PUNCH! DORCHESTER DODGES! AND NOW WITH ANOTHER! IT HITS DORCHESTER BUT THERE’S NOTHING BEHIND IT!

H’WOOD: FINISH HIM!

O’CONNOR: WILDSTAR DROPS TO A KNEE! HE HAS NO STRENGTH LEFT! DORCHESTER HAS HIM PRONE! HE’S TRYING TO LIFT HIM UP… BUT HE CAN’T! DORCHESTER HOLDING ONTO WILDSTAR AND TRYING TO LIFT HIM AGAIN… NO! HE CAN’T DO IT. AND HE’S TRYING AGAIN—

H’WOOD: YES! YES! YES!

O’CONNOR: DORCHESTER HAS HIM… AND HE JUST HIT THE WILD DRIVER ON THE RING RAMP! WILDSTAR’S OUT COLD! DORCHESTER CRAWLING OVER! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE!!!!!

H’WOOD: YES! YES! THE BELTS ARE OURS! THE BELTS ARE OURS!

O’CONNOR: This crowd… is completely silent! WildStar… one of the all-time legends in this sport… he fought life and death with Dorchester Stratton… but his career… his career is over! And not just that… but who knows how many injuries he has!

H’WOOD: I told you, BEANPOT! I TOLD EVERYONE! DORCHESTER STRATTON IS LIKE A MEMBER OF MY FAMILY! HE’S LIKE MY SECOND SON! I LOVE THIS KID TO DEATH!

O’CONNOR: Both men are on the ground. WildStar’s not moving. Dorchester’s crawling… picking himself up the railing… And he’s now crawling… limping to the back! And look at this… I’m going to be SICK!

(From the back comes a worried Veronica Abrams Rumsfeld and a triumphant Calvin Carlton, just saying "I TOLD YOU SO!" repeatedly. Behind him, dressed to the 9’s, holding their belts, smirking and applauding are Blaine Hollywood and Malik Anderson!)

H’WOOD: Stand up, O’Connor! Stand up! The Dynasty is once again whole! I never doubted for a second… I never doubted for ONE second that Dorchester Stratton wouldn’t pull through today!

(CROWD: HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS! HE’S FIVE STARS!)

O’CONNOR: THIS is what you should be standing for! A heroic effort from WildStar… everything he had, he gave. Not just tonight. But for his entire career! And he… he’s somehow pulling himself up on the railing… Fans patting him on his back. That chant… it’s DEAFANING here in the TD Banknorth Center! And now… now WildStar sees his family.

(Veronica’s weeping, as are his kids. WildStar is bent over, a bloodied, battered mess.)

WILDSTAR: I… I’m so sorry… I… I’m so sorry…

VERONICA: It’s okay. I love you.

WILDSTAR: I… I love you.

H’WOOD: HAHHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!! YES!

O’CONNOR: THIS IS… THIS IS THE LOWEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! DORCHESTER STRATTON JUST CAME FROM NOWHERE AND SHOVED WILDSTAR DOWN TO THE GROUND! STANDING OVER HIM!

(The crowd just pelts Dorchester with garbage, as he’s panting, breathing heavy, glaring at WildStar. WildStar’s looking up at him, getting back on his knees.)

DORCHESTER: WildStar… Jason… I’m sorry… but… but you know I have to do this…

O’CONNOR: NO! DORCHESTER JUST SNATCHED THE CHAIR FROM WILDSTAR’S WIFE! SHE’S SCREAMING AT HIM! NO! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NO! HE’S HAD ENOUGH! NOT IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE AND KIDS!

(There’s a sickening THUD as Dorchester crowns WildStar with the chair. WildStar remains on his knees for a second… and then collapses on the ring ramp, completely out cold. Medics immediately come rushing to the scene. Dorchester turns to Vanessa and the kids.)

DORCHESTER: Your husband… and your father… is… a miserable failure!

(The crowd EXPLODES!)

O’CONNOR: VERONICA IS OVER THE RAILING CLAWING AT DORCHESTER’S EYES! SHE’S RIPPING AT HIS FLESH! GET HIM! GET THIS SON OF A BITCH! GET HIM!

(Security comes and grabs Dorchester and holds Veronica back, as she’s fighting with all her might. Dorchester turns, limping up the ramp, holding his hands up in triumph as the crowd is hopping mad. A fan on the side swings at Dorchester as well.)

O’CONNOR: NOW DORCHESTER IS INVOLVED WITH A FAN! AND AGAIN SECURITY IS PULLING HIM BACK!

(Dorchester stands underneath the Frontier-Tron and turns around and looks at the damage, as a barrage of beers and sodas come pouring down on him. Then the camera turns to WildStar, out cold as medics attend to him. His wife and kids next to him, crying.)

(FADEIN: A black screen…)

V/O: "Due to the length of the original telecast, this encore presentation of CRASH 50 had to cut the action of two matches to fit inside tonight’s television programming schedule. We hope you enjoy some of the memorable moments of the epic WAR GAMES MATCH between CUATRO-X and LEGION with their captain, UNICORN MASK…and a team captained by HIGH FLYER with VIC TARANO, KOOTER JOHNSON and CAMERON CRUISE as his partners."

(MUSICUP: "SEVEN NATION ARMY" – The White Stripes. CUTTO: The fans stomping and clapping loudly! UNICORN MASK, his horn shattered, wearing a large knee brace and HIGH FLYER watching the coinflip…HIGH FLYER raises up the Devil’s Horns in victory!)

O’CONNOR: "Flyer wins the coinflip and that will give his team a serious advantage as this match progresses."

H’WOOD: "What kind of drugs do you have to be doing to be captained by a man named Unicorn Mask?"

(CUTTO: DOS EQUIS coming out of his team’s huddle and nodding. The crowd starts cheering him, someone throwing him a can of his namesake… POP THAT SUCKA! EQUIS starts chugging the frothy goodness, when CAMERON CRUSE jumps into the picture nailing the beloved, pudgy masked man with a running knee! EQUIS hits the side of the cage, surrounding a single ring…and possibly not known beforehand to the competitors…it’s BARBED WIRED.)

O’CONNOR: "The match hasn’t even started! Cruise is all over Dos! (SFX: BELL RINGING!) Well, wasn’t that timely…"

H’WOOD: "All this time, I thought doctors were making the rounds to state commissions ‘cause Cruise had an STD! I heard it all wrong, it’s ESP!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: Inside the cage, CRUISE taking down EQUIS with a low blow to loud groans... )

O’CONNOR: "Equis doubled over from that cheap move by Cruise and LOOK OUT! (more groans!) Swinging Neckbreaker from Cruise...and Cameron’s immediately up and off the ropes, UP IN THE AIR! HIGH-IMPACT ELBOW DROP! Equis flopping around the mat, Cruise grabs him by the mask and reels him into a front facelock…CHECK THAT! (STOMP!) SNAP SUPLEX!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: CRUISE delivering an Irish Whip to EQUIS, the masked man hitting the corner hard! CRUISE charges in…)

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) "Dos moves out of the way! Cruise staggering around…CHOP! ("OLE!") CHOP! ("OLE!") CHOP! ("OLE!") Cruise is on dream street!"

H’WOOD: "He hasn’t heard these many Mexican catcalls since the first night he met his future wife at some dive stripbar in Tijuana!"

O’CONNOR: "Stop making up lies, Lamont!"

H’WOOD: "Your wife said they were roommates and kissing cousins! I mean, that was after his first love Vivi and all…"

O’CONNOR: "Equis with an Irish Whip…LOOK OUT! (LOUD ROARS!) CLOTHESLINE! CRUISE IS DOWN! EQUIS WITH A SPRINGBOARD! (CROWD ROARS!) CORKSCREW MOONSAULT!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: HIGH FLYER walking around the cage…)

H’WOOD: "If I were Captain, I’d definitely be coming out as late as possible. You can already tell this man has no leadership skills."

O’CONNOR: "We all can’t be you, Woodman…"

(STATIC! CUTTO: EQUIS trying to kick the door into FLYER, but fails as FLYER dodges the impact. CRUISE grips EQUIS’ mask from behind with both hands and slams him backwards into the mat, the crowd groaning in response… FLASH CUTTO: FLYER and CRUISE stomping on EQUIS repeatedly as the crowd boos! FLASH CUTTO: FLYER with an Irish Whip and he ducks down ‘causing EQUIS to hop over and right into CRUISE catching him in an OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY! EQUIS skids into the ropes and cage, the crowd booing FLYER pushing up and poking out the Devil’s Horn at them.)

(MUSIC SEGUE: ‘THE HARDEST BUTTON TO BUTTON’ – The White Stripes)

(CUTTO: FUTUREQUIS stalking impatiently around the ring, a kendo stick in hand. QUICK CUTTO: FLYER and CRUISE applying a Double Single Leg Boston Crab to EQUIS…)

H’WOOD: "Cruise might be reliving his wedding night right now, all we need is a midget and someone running a wet bar!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: FUTUREQUIS charging into the ring, his kendo stick swinging around like Ken Watanabe on Wasabi-coated Cocaine! CRUISE and FLYER take a couple THWACKS! The crowd roars, the odds even up…FLYER and CRUISE, rushing up off the deck to take another TWO THWACKS! FLASH CUTTO: FUTUREQUIS breaking the stick over FLYER’s head, then watching in confusion as UNICORN MASK runs back and forth…raking his shattered horn across the cage walls.)

O’CONNOR: "You can only get this much surrealistic imagery in one place, Woodman."

H’WOOD: "What you call surreal, I just call retarded. And that pretty much sums up our ten year relationship, Beansprouts."

(FLASH CUTTO: FUTURE scooping up DOS and slamming into a legdrop across CRUISE’s chest! FLASH CUTTO: FUTURE hitting an Inverted Atomic Drop on FLYER who bowleggedly trails into an Atomic Drop by DOS, the crowd roaring as FUTURE nearly decapitates FLYER with a clothesline!)

H’WOOD: "Sweet mercy, they just disemboweled a man on live television!"

(FLASH CUTTO: FUTURE and DOS stereo-ramming FLYER and CRUISE into the cage walls, pulling them off and sending them crashing into a head-on Irish Whipping collision to crowd roars!)

O’CONNOR: "The tide has turned, but the clock is ticking away!"

(FLASH CUTTO: KOOTER JOHNSON slowly walking up the cage steps, while CUATRO-X prepares for him… QUICK CUTTO: KOOTER rushing into the cage, DOS and FUTURE meeting him head on with right hands, but taking two vicious Kooter headbutts for their troubles! DOS and FUTURE duck under an attempted double clothesline and connect with a double dropkick that sends JOHNSON barreling into the barbed wire cage! FLYER comes out of nowhere, hitting an enziguiri on FUTURE! DOS goes to attack him, missing CAMERON CRUISE swinging a spinning elbow…)

O’CONNOR: "This match could get ugly with Johnson able to use his distinct size advantage against Dos…"

(FLASH CUTTO: JOHNSON standing on DOS’ throat, the crowd booing loudly!)

H’WOOD: "I don’t know why everyone’s so upset, Dos’ own tag partner doesn’t even like him talking…"

(FLASH CUTTO: The crowd counting down, LEGION banging a chair against the cage. FLASH CUTTO: LEGION rushing into the ring with his chair… FLYER and CRUISE get the hell out of dodge, while JOHNSON takes a CRACK! CHAIRSHOT! …NO EFFECT!? DOS EQUIS gets up and laughs at LEGION…so LEGION nails him with the chair to crowd boos! FLYER rushes in, trying to use the distraction…but LEGION rams him in the ribs with the chair and follows that up with a CRACK! CHAIRSHOT! Finally, CAMERON CRUISE tackles LEGION from behind giving JOHNSON the opportunity to hit an elbow drop! FUTURE pops into the scene, kicking LEGION in the head (great teamwork!) and then catching KOOTER on the bridge of the nose with an front elbow smash!)

O’CONNOR: "OH! Future might’ve just broken Kooter’s nose! Cruise grabs him from behind and goes for a back suplex! NO! Future with a back elbow counter and reversal! Cruise swings a back elbow, but Future ducks! LOOK OUT! (SFX: CRACK!) OHHHHHH! (BOOS!) Legion with a chairshot to the back of Future’s head! (SFX: CRACK!) OHHHHHHHH! (CHEERS!) CRUISE TAKES A CHAIRSHOT TO THE FACE! Flyer offering to shake his hand… (SFX: CRACK!) NO DICE!"

H’WOOD: "He’s taking out both teams, why am I not surprised!?"

O’CONNOR: "The crowd’s livid! LOOK OUT! (MORE BOOS!) CHAIRSHOT TO THE DOS’ CROWN! Kooter now in the sights! (CRACK! LOUD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHHHH! BIG BOOT THROUGH THE CHAIR AND OFF LEGION’S HEAD!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: KOOTER gripping both CUATRO-X in a chokehold, but taking a shot to the silly nannies by LEGION from behind! CUATRO-X hit a double DDT! LEGION goes for the Curbstomp, but CUATRO-X drop him with a Double Shot White Russian Legsweep! CUTTO: The crowd starting to boo as VIC TARANO is amping himself up near the cage door! CUTTO: FUTUREQUIS catches CRUISE with a side backbreaker, leaving him on the knee as DOS connects with a jumping legdrop! CUTTO: TARANO rushing into the ring with the soul of his aforementioned "Bull" nickname! CUTTO: TARANO taking on CUATRO-X with a series of right hands! They start repaying the favor, until LEGION throws a waft of black powder into their eyes! LEGION goes for a clothesline on TARANO, but gets back body dropped!)

O’CONNOR: "Honestly, how is Legion even expecting to be a winner in this match!? He’s literally trying to take EVERYONE out of the proceedings!"

H’WOOD: "Well, if he’s the last man standing…I don’t think how he gets the job done really matters!"

O’CONNOR: "Well, it’s left him in position for Tarano to hook him up! OH! SUPLEX INTO A GUTBUSTER! That’ll turn his insides out if he has any left!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: TARANO, JOHNSON and CRUISE stomping on the blinded CUATRO-X and gutted LEGION! FLYER starts shouting instructions and they all pull up LEGION… that leaves the opening for FLYER to hit the…)

O’CONNOR: "YAKUUUUUUUZAHHHHHHHHHHH! THE YAKUZA KICK! FLYER’S GONE LOCOMOTIVE! FLYER’S GONE LOCOMOTIVE!"

(MUSIC SEGUE: "DEAD LEAVES and the DIRTY GROUND" – The White Stripes)

(CUTTO: FLYER hitting the same on DOS… CUTTO: They try it on FUTURE, who busts free and starts fighting off the whole team as UNICORN MASK awaits the countdown! He’s heavily taped – along his whole back and ribs. UM hits the ring hard, immediately attacking each of his opponents with an unconventional battering ram approach…which is almost reprehensible in its chaos due the jagged, shattered horn atop his mask.)

H’WOOD: "It only took us 50 shows to puncture someone’s liver, but we’re here and in the moment!"

O’CONNOR: "You’d think they’d be scaling the walls to get out of this, but then again…I don’t know where that horn would go in that case!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: UM hitting a back body drop on KOOTER! UM hitting a clothesline on FLYER! As he’s howling with a shriek towards the rafters…CRUISE slips behind and hooks him for a back suplex, but UM lands on his feet and connects with a countering dropkick! Its obvious his injuries are hampering him as he’s slow to get up… QUICK CUTTO: CUATRO-X hooking in a double spinning toe hold on CRUISE! LEGION hooks a Camel Clutch on KOOTER! UM goes for a Figure Four on FLYER, but gets kicked in the backside and into the cage, where he can’t detach the horn! QUICK CUTTO: TARANO repeatedly kicking UM in the gut, since he can’t get out the cage…his eyes widen as he sees something coming on the side!)

O’CONNOR: "Unicorn Mask is stuck! Flyer’s grabbing that chair! NOOOOOOOOOO! (SFX: THWACK!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (SFX: THWACK!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

H’WOOD: "Jesus H. Mahoney Guttenberg, PETA’s gonna have a bigger field day with us than the time Michael Vick decided to snuff out the Pitbull species!"

(CUTTO: FLYER hitting a chairshot on LEGION! CUTTO: FLYER goes for CUATRO-X, but both dodge out of the way smartly. FLYER hits the chair against the cage, which ricochets into his own head and opens him up for a DOS HURRICANRANA and a measured kneedrop from FUTURE across FLYER’S throat! QUICK CUTTO: DOS heading to the top rope, while FUTURE has FLYER on his shoulders…out of nowhere, KOOTER JOHNSON runs in and hops to the middle turnbuckle…DEATH VALLEY DRIVER ON DOS EQUIS! FUTURE doesn’t know what to do, but before he can go ELEVATOR DROP style…LEGION chopblocks him! This of course, initiates an Elevator Drop on Flyer! LEGION smiles devilishly at his handiwork, which allows him to get rammed into the cage by CAMERON CRUISE and hooked into an OCTOPUS HOLD! Meanwhile, VIC TARANO flies into the scene by cracking FUTURE in the face with a SHINING WIZARD as he tries to get up!)

O’CONNOR: "THIS COULD BE IT! THIS COULD BE IT! TEAM FLYER IS TAKING COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE MATCH!"

(QUICK CUTTO: LEGION refusing to give up! QUICK CUTTO: KOOTER hooking a BOSTON CRAB on DOS, screaming "WELCOME TO MY TEA PARTY!" QUICK CUTTO: FUTURE trying to wrangle himself out of TARANO hooking in a Cobra Clutch Sleeper! QUICK CUTTO: FLYER slamming the chair down on UNICORN’s back!)

H’WOOD: "You can see the end of the line, Beanfry! Legion’s chaotic, noncommittal, dastardly pleasures of sin we’re fun to watch at first…but he’s now caught on the wrong side of the line! His heart was with Flyer, but his contract was not for this match!"

(CUTTO: FUTURE and DOS refusing to give up! QUICK CUTTO: FLYER rolling UM into the COLD SNOW LIONTAMER! UM starts screaming like a banshee! CUTTO: FUTURE hits a jawbreaker counter on TARANO! CUTTO: FUTURE jumping onto the back of KOOTER, hooking in his own sleeper! KOOTER flips him over and ends up breaking the hold on DOS, while LEGION somehow hip tosses out of the hold! SFX: THE BELL RINGING! QUICK CUTTO: UNICORN MASK tapping, crying and FUTUREQUIS staring daggers at him across the ring!)

O’CONNOR: "ITS OVER! UNICORN MASK TAPPED! FLYER’S ATTACK AT THE HOUSE SHOWS PAID OFF BIG-TIME!"

H’WOOD: "Oh yeah, he’s seen the light and he’s officially dangerous!"

(STATIC! QUICK CUTTO: FUTUREQUIS swinging around the ring wildly with a chair, FLYER and his team escaping! DOS is pleading with him to stop as he bashes LEGION in the head! QUICK CUTTO: DOS watching in horror as FUTURE rips off UNICORN’s mask to crowd shrieks! The man is unidentifiable due to his whole face covered in green facepaint MISSING LINK styled! QUICK CUTTO: FUTURE hitting a piledriver on UNICORN MASK to boos! DOS watching him leave the ring with an ashen demeanor…FADETOBLACK.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "What did we just witness, Lamont?"

H’WOOD: (V/O) "Perhaps, the birth of something beautiful Beanfry…which I thought was impossible within these city lines."

(BLAST OF STATIC! MUSICUP: "Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)" – Elton John)


((2005, CRASH EPISODE 29. TOKYO, JAPAN. DAN RYAN…FELIX RED, falls count ANYWHERE. CUTTO: The opened door on an airplane as the ground gets farther....and farther away. The small set of Japanese businessmen are huddled in the back as Dan Ryan pressed on with a boston crab on Felix Red in the front row of seats. Felix grabs a half-full shot glass and flings vodka into Ryan’s face. Then he topples a karoake machine over on top of him. He follows up with a series of stiff kicks. The pilot marches out from the cockpit as Ryan ducks a kick and the pilot gets it in the face. The passengers freak out....except Felix who chokes Ryan with an oxygen mask, then runs over to grab a parachute. He clutches the pilot as they fall backwards out of the plane!!! Asia Tseng looks on stunned.))

TSENG(translated from Japanese): My lords of heaven!! What has Master Mikoto done?

CAMERAMAN(behind his camera): Who can fly this plane now? Is it on autopilot?

TSENG: I do not know! I do not know! Felix Red assured us on the way here he could fly a plane!!

CAMERAMAN: Lords of heaven..no!! You trusted the words of an infidel!! We shall die!! We shall die!!

((Dan Ryan picks himself, wipes his face off with a moist towlette from a nearby seat.))

RYAN: Stand aside, gentlemen. (He brushes past everyone into the cockpit) I’ll handle this.

TSENG: You can fly a plane?

((Ryan shrugs.))

RYAN: Well, I’ve never tried before.

(BLAST OF STATIC!)


((CRASH EPISODE 31, late 2005. TOKYO, JAPAN. SFX: A huge racket. The camera turns around and sees....THE LARGE, PURPLISH, VEINY MAN IN A DIAPER on a rampage! He swings his surfboard and cracks JASON PAYNE across the head as he runs out of a door and he collapses into a pool of blood.

"Dead men dream of me."

He rams his surfboard into the stomach of KAZUO SHIZAKI as he stretches his match, and then throws him into some audio equipment.

"I was born by the light of the vampire sun."

He charges up to BEAU where SNOW WHITE drops the mic and takes off. BEAU remains petrified. The man/creature grabs the mic and takes BEAU by the cape collar.))

MAN: I bring the warmth of Armageddon! Oblivion churns in my newborn stomach and blooms like a flower! Thoughts twist in my mind like maggots and I worship the devil-winged groundhog god! I AM ALIVE....and I AM NOT A THING! I have a name! One for the organ that my mother lacks....and the name of my father who never loved me....I am Kooter...KOOTER CRUISE! And I will break my mother like glass onto the hard floor of bloodied reality! Then I will rain petals of pains down upon my father!!!!

((KOOTER roars in BEAU’s face, but then the Man in the Neon Green Chicken suit runs out and tackles him! KOOTER and the Chicken wrestle out onto the entryway as BEAU sits back on the ground, his hand on his heart. CUTTO: The Chicken thrown, gorilla press-style down the ramp and falls down onto the models of the city of Tokyo. KOOTER follows and roars.

"I bring chaos to the chaos-makers! I am the fire of reverse heaven come to mankind!"

He leaps down onto the chicken, and they struggle, knocking over buildings and tearing up the streets. The Chicken grabs the monorail train and cracks it against Kooter’s forehead...to no effect. He feels no pains! Kooter grabs the monorail track and twists it around the Chicken’s neck, strangling him! Referees and security guards run in now, trying to pry them apart...but instead they roll across the entryway ramp and crash down on the other side of Tokyo!!! Kooter hurls buildings at the Chicken, who’s coughing up green feathers...))


(BLAST OF STATIC!)


(FADEIN: CRASH 36, 2006. TOKYO, JAPAN. FELIX RED vs. KIN HIROSHI I, World Heavyweight Championship match. Felix has Kin in the "Felix Stretch" and is pushing Kin’s face down onto the mat into a shallow pool of his own blood.)

SHIRO: God, Kin isn’t tapping out! I don’t think he can verbally submit, but he isn’t giving up! He’s not tapping!

HATTER: He’s a maniac! He loves the pain!

SHIRO: I don’t know if he can still feel the pain or anything else for that matter! But he’s still not giving up! Felix Red couldn’t pin him! Felix Red couldn’t make him tap out!

(Crowd buzzing as Felix tightens the Felix stretch.)

HATTER: It’d be far better if Kin had! Felix is murdering him! He’s clamping back!

SHIRO: I don’t know how much more of this I can watch and Tenchi Tseng is waving his hands and calling for the bell! He’s finally had enough and is calling the match!

(Bell rings frantically.)

HATTER: But he still has to pry Felix off. And Felix kicks Kin again while he’s down! Kin still isn’t moving!

SHIRO: This is terrible. Terrible.

(FAST FWD CUTTO: The ring where Kin Hiroshi is being loaded onto a stretcher. CRAIG MILES and QUENTIN SULLIVAN hover over him. CAMERON CRUISE follows along with it as it’s carried gently out of the ring. JONATHAN MARX, BRANDON JACOBS, and YORI YAKAMO JR stand off to the side in the ring, speechless. MAGGOT and PAUL SHIRO stand outside the ring, waiting for the stretcher to be carried past, shaking his head, unable to believe what they’re seeing. At the announce table, RAYNE sits on top of it, weeping into her hands as SNOW WHITE, with tears smearing her makeup, trying to console her. GREENIE paces up and down nervously in front of them. MAD HATTER stands up out of his seat behind them, holding his top hat in his hand, scratching his chin as he watches everything that’s happening.)

(CUTTO: The camera sweeps across the crowd as fans sit still, gazing nervously down at the aisle.)

(CUTTO: Kin Hiroshi, not moving, lying bloodied and helpless, strapped to a stretcher as an ambulance backs up onto the ramp and opens just for him.)


(BLAST OF STATIC!)


(CRASH EPISODE 39, 2007. TOKYO, JAPAN. FELIX RED vs. YORI YAKAMO, JUNIOR for the SEASON TWO EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP.)

SHIRO: YORI JUST JUMPED BACK UP! He’s shaking his head like a mad man!

HATTER: We’ve seen this before! HE’S HULKING UP!

(Yori circles Kooter in the ring, flicking around his hair and sweat. The crowd goes batshit.)

SHIRO: Kooter swings! Yori blocks!

HATTER: Yori points his finger! He’s giving him the warning!

SHIRO: Kooter swings again and Yori block and hits a right! Another right and another, sending him into the ropes! He whips him off and catches him with the big boot!

HATTER: But Kooter won’t go down!

SHIRO: Yori looks left and right into the crowd and motions that he’s going to lift him up!

HATTER: Impossible! Yori Yakamo Junior cannot possibly lift up Kooter Cruise!

SHIRO: But the Hulkster can! And his spirit is flowing through Yori! He grabs up Kooter and BODYSLAMS HIM down on top of Felix! He comes off the ropes and drops the leg! Kin slides into position to count the pin!

HATTER: No! No!

(Hatter throws off his headset as he dives into the ring to Kin back from counting.)

SHIRO: My broadcast colleague has just interjected himself into the match! He’s wailing away on Kin Hiroshi! But Yori grabs him and nails him with a right! He whips him off the ropes and hits the big boot! Now he drops the leg on the Mad Hatter! I don’t believe this! Felix is up and goes for the spinning heel kick! Yori ducks and catches him! He spins around and hits the sit-down tombstone piledriver! YORI=AWESOME! Kin with the count! 1….2……33333333333!!! IT’S OVER! IT’S ALL OVER!

(Bell rings furiously.)

(MUSIC OUT. FADE TO BLACK.)

(FADEIN: A black screen…)

V/O: "Due to the length of the original telecast, this encore presentation of CRASH 50 had to cut the action of two matches to fit inside tonight’s television programming schedule. We hope you enjoy the following match that PRESIDENT EDDIE MAYFIELD ordered. The tag team champions, the HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW defending their championships against a mystery team in a STREET FIGHT. …and possibly some mystery guests as well."

(MUSICUP: "INTIMATE SECRETARY" – The Raconteurs.)

(FADEIN: The fans standing, jeering and throwing trash at every spot of the entrance ramp. Spinning slowly are spotlights and the DYNASTY logo on the FRONTIERtron. VERONICA ABRAMS RUMSFELD walks out first, looking a little fatigued from the DORCHESTER vs. WILDSTAR match. With a microphone she starts introducing CALVIN CARTON, ESQUIRE, MALIK ANDERSON and BLAINE HOLLYWOOD in that exact order. All four stand in the ring, holding up their gold high… adorned with Robins-Egg Blue Peacock robes, rhinestone glittered belts on the outsides of the robes and big, face-covering euro shades. CUTTO: CALVIN CARLTON on the microphone, ranting towards the crowd! HWC pad around the ring, looking uninterested.)

CARLTON: "We are not lambs being led to a slaughter, as my good momma’s always told me…Sometimes sugar, it’s best to be the wolves in lamb’s clothing!"

(In the background, the visage of PRESIDENT EDDIE MAYFIELD fills the FRONTIERtron screen. QUICK CUTTO: BLAINE HOLLYWOOD’s face in a close-up, his face ticking like a time bomb waiting to explode…)

MAYFIELD: "You see Blaine, you may think you’ve earned your place in the annals of wrestling history. The truth is that you’re booked every 3 months or so against a tag team division that has more drunks in it than actual talented wrestlers. As your President, I’ve failed you on two fronts. 1 – It’s time to give you boys something to be SCARED about…’cause that feeling obviously didn’t cross your mind when you stepped in my grill. 2 – You WILL respect YOUR PRESIDENT. You WILL fall in line, Blaine. No donation, no charitable contribution, no weekend getaway houses provided Calvin Carlton will stop this as long as I’m President. And I thank him wholeheartedly for my upcoming vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. (CUTTO: BLAINE staring angrily at CALVIN, who shrugs) So with that knowledge, Blaine…I called one team that have been frothing at the mouth to supposedly…GET YOU DIRTY. Then I made another call, Blaine…just to piss everyone off as much as I’M PISSED AT YOU."

H’WOOD: "WAIT, WHAT?"

(CLOSEUP: The FRONTIERtron crackles out to crowd shock! BLAINE and CALVIN go from BLAINE’S uncomfortable sneer to both truly worrying about the hidden message.)

(MUSIC SEGUE: …the sexified anthem of White Detroit…feedbacks out weirdly until all is silent. Suddenly, gunshots ring out over the PA system, while a long overdrawn horn intro begins…"YAP THAT FOOOOOOOOL!" ANTE UP – M.O.P.)

(STATIC! CUTTO: The crowd jumping up and down to the "HUH (HUH) HUH (HUH!)" call and response intro! STATIC! CUTTO: THREE letters start flashing on the FRONTIERtron to an AMPED TO THE NINES CROWD EXPLOSION! D-R-S D-R-S D-R-S QUICK CLOSEUP: BLAINE HOLLYWOOD, CALVIN CARLTON and MALIK ANDERSON looking as if their eyes might pop out of their skulls. STATIC! CUTTO: Two long rows of shopping carts being pushed out …Weapons upon weapons from all sorts of "local" establishments "purchased" for the return of the two men tearing down towards the ring, THE DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS! SAAFIR MUHAMMED and 187.)

H’WOOD: "GET THEM OUT OF HERE, BEANFRY! CALL SECURITY! THIS CAN’T BE…WHY EDDIE…WHY!?"

O’CONNOR: "For once in my life…and maybe the only time this show, I am so happy our President is this EVIL."

(CUTTO: SAAFIR MUHAMMED, 6'1", 230 Lbs. Wearing a sharp pointed beard with no mustache, Bald head …with a sneer that might make Kimbo Slice turn white. Or that could be cause of the imposing 187 (ONE-EIGHT-SEVEN) 6'8" 270 lbs. Dark as onyx with Iverson cornrows, and indescribable tattoos due to his complexion, menacing in the background!. He’s got a black bandana over his face Wild-West stagecoach robber style and ready to terrorize! Both men are wearing black fatigues, black electrical taped wrists hands and fingers, spit-shined jumpboots and shirtless – but wearing bulletproof FLAK jackets that say 'DRS' on the back in white police block letters. 187 is running full speed at the ring. Muhammed stops the shopping cart train, tossing and rolling trashcan of LOCAL STRIPMALL PLUNDER~! inside the ring!)

H’WOOD: "RUN CALVIN! RUN BLAINE!"

O’CONNOR: "What about Malik?"

H’WOOD: "He can talk their language, this is just a big misunderstanding!"

(CUTTO: HWC are so caught up in SAAFIR’s plunder tossing and CALVIN’s spastic shouting that they’re ALMOST caught unaware as 187 slides under the ring and MALIK ANDERSON spots him and starts stomping still in his robe! CUTTO: BLAINE shoves away a sailing trashcan that SAAFIR throws in the ring - there's stuff all over the ring now. BLAINE looks around in horror at the weapons around the ring (pliers, wire cutters, clothing irons…) SAAFIR slingshots into ring, swinging wildly at him as MALIK’s stomps CAN’T keep 187 down and that has him a little freaked out, his mojo starting to melt away. CALVIN can be screaming for officials to get in the ring and stop the match, but GREG HERPIN watches from the outside…AND SIGNALS FOR THE BELL! CALVIN falls on his knees, covering his ears to the STILL PLAYING ‘ANTE UP’ still blasting across the arena. BLAINE gets thrown out of his robe by SAAFIR, who stares excitedly at CALVIN who immediately jumps out of the ring before SAAFIR catches him…)

H’WOOD: "Why would President Mayfield do this to my son, Beanfry!? THERE’S NO CONTROL, NO ORDER…BLAINE CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS! HE’S NOT SCHOOLED IN THE WORLD OF PSYCOPATHIC RIOTS!"

O’CONNOR: "Calm down, Lamont…we’ve got to call this match!"

H’WOOD: Calm down!? MY SON IS WRESTLING CONVICTED FELONS!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: BLAINE gets sandwiched into a corner and slumps down to the mat, his legs wide open. MUHAMMED pulls out a croquet mallet packaged at a local Target with two balls and does a 'dandy dance' around the ring making fun of BLAINE upbringing, and then hits a stroke right into BLAINE’S nuts to crowd ROARS!)

H’WOOD: "I didn’t know they taught the Bobby O’Shay maneuver down at Leavenworth, Beansprouts!"

O’CONNOR: "Was that a prison or Boston joke, Woodman?"

H’WOOD: "I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW, I’M FIRING DOUBLE SHOTGUNS!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: SAAFIR cracking MALIK over the head with the mallet! FLASH CUTTO’S: BLAINE taking a mallet to the gut! 187 grabbing the croquet balls, mounting MALIE and mashing down shots to the sides of his dome! BLAINE jumping into the crowd, being chased by the mallet wielding MUHAMMED. BLAINE ducking his head in and out of the nearby crowd trying to push him back over the barricade, the first-ever moment in NFW resembling Wack-A-Mole as Saafir keeps trying to hit his head.)

H’WOOD: "I can’t watch this…I can’t believe what I’m watching.)

(STATIC! FLASH CUTTO’S: 187 bashing MALIK with a cookie sheet! BLAINE using an actual rake across SAAFIR’s back! MALIK being double-teamed and bashed in the head with paint cans…UNOPENED PAINT CANS! BLAINE kicking spastically as SAAFIR draws blood with a metal spatula! CUTTO: SAAFIR screaming in horror as MALIK holds his leg down, a bloody BLAINE hammering down with the clothing iron across his knee! 187 rumbles back into the ring and places a trashbag over MALIK’s head and then chokeslams him! SAAFIR stalks BLAINE with a limp, armed with a rubber hose and a psychotic smile. MALIK picking up a space heater and ramming it into the charging 187’s gut and then over his head! SAAFIR mock-strumming a guitar…BLAINE ducks the violent swing and drops SAAFIR with a Reverse Neckbreaker!)

H’WOOD: "I see the light, Beanfry! I don’t like it! But if my son can end this, THE LEGEND ALWAYS GROWS! That’s what EDDIE SEES, I KNOW IT!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: BLAINE piledriving SAAFIR through the guitar, getting a near pinfall! STATIC! CUTTO: 187 goes for CHOKESLAM, but MALIK charges forward spearing him into the turnbuckles, holding on and running out with a RUNNING SPINEBUSTER! ONE! TWO! THRNO! 187 kicks out! BLAINE goes for THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT, but SAAFIR holds onto the ropes and as BLAINE gets up…SAAFIR blasts him in the face, dual wielding spray cans hitting BLAINE in the face! STATIC! CUTTO: SAAFIR perched up top with a Wii console about to jump, until MALIK hops up and starts whacking away at SAAFIR with the Wii Nunchucks! SAAFIR falls out of the ring, through a table! MALIK raises his arms in the air, but that allows 187 to sneak behind and hook him up in a CRUCIFIX…AND POWERBOMB HIM ONTO A SHOPPING CART! THE CROWD EXPLODES!)

O’CONNOR: "OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! EVERYONE’S DEAD! THAT HAS TO BE IT! THIS HAS TO BE OVER! ALL FOUR ARE SO BLOODY…so BATTERED…187 trying to pull Malik out of the wreckage, he’s got to go for the pin!"

H’WOOD: "Please, please, please God…Eddie, if you’re listening too…I don’t care what happens right now, but please…please don’t let them lose to these men of all people to lose to...anyone else, ANYONE."

(SFX: THE GENERAL LEE HORN! CUTTO: The crowd getting loud! QUICK CUTTO: H’WOOD’s eyes bugging out, O’CONNOR looking at him shock.)

O’CONNOR: "You couldn’t have known…"

(H’WOOD gulps)

H’WOOD: "That wasn’t…that couldn’t…"

(MUSIC SEGUE: …"ANTE UP" seems to fade away…)

(STATIC! CUTTO: A CONFEDERATE FLAG ADORNED ORANGE TRUCK PEELS OUT OF THE BACK ONTO THE ENTRANCE RAMP! As the cover and pinfall is in the midst of being made, the truck LITERALLY hits the ring in reverse breaking up the pinfall!)

(MUSICUP: "CALL ME THE BREEZE" – LYNYRD SKYNYRD)

(CLOSEUP: The crowd loses its shit as BRANDON MULLER and FRANKIE FARGO, THE ORIGINAL SHOWSTOPPERS pop out of the TRUCK in true Dukes fashion!)

O’CONNOR: "IT’S FRANKIE FARGO! IT’S BRANDON MUELLER!"

CROWD: "O-S-S! O-S-S!"

O’CONNOR: "And whose side are they on?!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: CALVIN looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and he just drops his racket and runs for higher ground. The OSS hit the ring, 187 trying to bulldoze the duo, but they’re too fresh and full of whiskey! Right hand barrage and a double dropkick sends him out of the ring! MALIK stumbles up, BRANDON gets on all fours and FRANKIE makes some Jim Beam twinged Ninja moves and runs, jumps off MUELLER’s back and hits a Spinning Leg Lariat that sends MALIK out of the ring! (STATIC! CUTTO: SAAFIR’s eyes looking wildly at FRANKIE, vice-versa…two HATED nemesis staring each other down, when out of nowhere…BLAINE STRIKES FROM BEHIND! THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT BACKCRACKER!)

O’CONNOR: "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

H’WOOD: "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don’t care if this is a deal with the devil!"

(STATIC! CUTTO: OSS fighting off MALIK and 187 as BLAINE GETS THE PIN! (STATIC! CUTTO: OSS start throwing chairs into the HWC/DRS, your everyday average aftermatch basic race-riot breaking out in the ring! (STATIC! CUTTO: OSS and DRS duking it out as a bloody, battered and bewildered HWC grab the belts and run for their lives as the DRS stop fighting long enough to realize the match and their opponents are done with…both taking dropkicks from the behind, sending the weary DRS out of the ring! STATIC! CUTTO : The OSS standing alone in the ring to... CHEERS?!)

H’WOOD: "I don’t know, Beanfry…we lived through it tonight, but I fear for the future. This isn’t wrestling athletes…we’re now wrestling WILD DOGS."

O’CONNOR: "Hey, you’re the one that said the President wants your boy TOUGHENED UP…and there isn’t two teams TOUGHER than these!"

(MUSIC FIN. FADE TO BLACK.)

"Down on Your Knees" by Age Against the Machine starts playing as "The Ultimate High School Jock" Biff Busey comes out with his arms outstretched, showing off his massive size to the human masses. He is his pals David Jericho and Shawn Coppolla, the Normal Human Beings, are with him. He is wearing a Bayside High Letterman’s Jacket and all three are wearing wrestling gear. The crowd boos this loudly as they climb into the ring. Biff walks over and asks for a microphone. The three of them are heavily booed as the music fades out.

Biff is just about to speak when "Trust Me" by Jim Johnston starts playing over the loud speakers as Varga comes out from the back with a slow, deliberate walk as the fans start booing very loudly. He looks at the fans with disdain before reaching the ring. He then climbs into the ring and continues to look on with disdain before smiling deviously. You can almost see the wheels in his skull turning as the music stops playing and he asks for a microphone. Once he has one, the proverbial douchebaggery is about to begin.

Varga: Well, well, well. If it’s not the Three Amigos. We haven’t seen you three fucktarded assfucks around here in a long time. What happened? Did you run off to your dad to suck his dick for more of his money or something?

For some odd reason, the crowd cheers this as Biff glares menacingly at Varga.

Biff: You asshole. Nobody cares…

Varga nods his head.

Varga: You’re right. Nobody cares about your incessant rantings and bullshit. All you do is open your big fat fucking mouth and the whole crowd falls asleep! NO MORE! Now you die…all three of you.

Varga tosses his mic at Biff and it hits him in the face as Varga tackles him down. Varga starts punching Biff in the face as the Normal Human Beings run over to pull him off. They hold onto Varga as Biff rises back to his feet. Biff shakes his head and points his finger at Varga. He then heads for the corner before turning and going for a Running Biff Kick!

Varga ducks and he kicks Coppolla instead! Coppolla goes down to the mat as Varga quickly kicks Jericho low before turning to do the same to Biff. Biff blocks it and punches Varga in the head only to have Varga beg off and then sneak in an eye gouge. Biff holds his eyes in pain before Varga kicks him low.

Biff, holding his groin, falls to the mat in pain as Varga slithers out of the ring like a snake to go grab a steel chair. Of course the crowd cheers this since they know that Biff and his goons are about to get their asses kicked.

Varga slithers back into the ring with the chair. Once back on his feet, Varga walks over to Coppolla as he is getting back to his feet using the ropes. Coppolla turns around and Varga nails him with a sickening chair shot! Coppolla goes down in a heap as

Varga throws down the bent chair to the floor. He then climbs out of the ring again and starts looking under the ring.

He then pulls out a barbed wire bat and a ladder. Varga slides the ladder into the ring before climbing in with the barbed wire bat in hand. Biff struggles to his feet only be nailed right in the face by the barbed wire bat! Biff falls to the mat with blood gushing from his head. Varga walks over and smashes the barbed wire portion of bat right at Biff’s head three times before raking his forehead with the barbed wire much to the delight of the fans who fully appreciate the destruction of Busey and his goons.

Jericho is back up and tries to catch Varga with a double axe handle shot from behind but Varga turns around and smacks him in the stomach with the barbed wire bat! Jericho holds his stomach in pain as Varga drops the bat and grabs him into a quick DDT onto the nearby bent chair that was used earlier.

Varga gets back up to his feet and eyes the ladder. He walks over and positions it by the far turnbuckle. After this, Varga walks over and drags Jericho to his feet before slamming him on top of the ladder. He then grabs the steel chair before climbing out onto the apron. He then climbs to the top turnbuckle and performs a top rope Arabian Facebuster onto Jericho!
The crowd loves it. Varga then gets up and grabs the barbed wire bat before bashing Biff’s face in some more with it before security and referees finally come in to break it up. EMT’s bring out three stretchers quickly for the Normal Human Beings and Biff. The crowd chants "Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey-hey, good-bye!" as the three are quickly stretchered out of the arena. A clean up crew cleans up Biff’s blood stain before leaving.

The whole time all of this has been going on, Varga’s been standing in the corner laughing about it. He thinks it’s hilarious because he caused all of this and nobody’s even going to be mad at him. After everything settles down, a ref notices him and quickly escorts to the back because he thinks that the whole incident would cause a riot when the opposite is true.

(CUEUP – "Call The Doctor" by Sleater-Kinney as Doctor Curiosity emerges from the ramp here in Boston. Some of the fans neaby are already craning their necks to see this matches first contestant. What happened to no flash photography for these places, anyway? CURIOSITY looks around nervously – first at the NATIONAL GUARD decked out in black/white to match ROOK BLACK’s instructions, but also EEGOR situated in a bunkered lifeguard chair.)

LEE-BABY SIMS: "The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL and it is for the NFW NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP under NATIONAL GUARD rules! Introducing first, the challenger, he hails from Berlin, German and weighs in at one hundred and ninety pounds! THIS IS DOCTOR CURIOSITY!"

H’WOOD: "We're looking at a big one tonight - at least as big as you can get with two sweaty, non-English speaking weirdos grappling each other!"

O’CONNOR: "It never ends with you does it?"

H’WOOD: "That's what your mom tells me!"

O’CONNOR: "Anyway, we've got Doctor Curiosity taking on Rook Black in what promises to be a well-executed match with the NFW National belt on the line. And will you leave my mom alone?"

H’WOOD: "Lord knows I try, but that Chicken Tetrazinni - delicious."

(CUEUP – "Waiting Room" by Fugazi – BLACK saunters down the ramp with an arrogant smirk and enters the ring with his usual contemplative expression.)

LEE-BABY SIMS: "On his way to the ring, standing five feet, eleven inches tall… weighing in at two-hundred fourty three pounds wrestling out of St. Joe , Texas! HE IS THE NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING NATIONAL CHAMPION… THIS IS ROOK BLACK!"

O’CONNOR: "We have tonight two of the company's most cerebral competitors going after the National Title - what do you think are the keys to victory tonight? What's Rook Black need to do to retain the gold?"

H’WOOD: "Don't get thumbed in the eye. Don't get rolled up. Don't let Doc grab your tights. You know, the basic asshole playbook."

O’CONNOR: "Well, do you think he'll be able to -"

H’WOOD: "No."

(CLOSEUP – ROOK BLACK is already in the ring and signaling for the bell - he's clearly anxious to get this fight underway and then get it over with. Doc leans back and smirks.)

O’CONNOR: "And we're finally underway - both competitors move out of their corners to begin the match, circling, sizing each other up. A couple of soft feints from Doc, but - here we go, collar and elbow tieup. They're pushing back and forth - Rook Black with the momentum, he shoves Doc to the ground, and Curiosity is right back up. Another collar and elbow... Doc's really dictating the tone this time, slowly pushing him towards the turnbuckle - Rook plants his feet and shoves him back a second time. THIRD collar and elbow, this time Rook gets in a headlock and wrenches it hard, and you know that hold really creates pressure against the neck. Curiosity reaches back and pushe him forward - Rook Black slides behind him - NICE amateur takedown there."

H’WOOD: "Was it really? Really really? I mean if you've seen one you've seen 'em all."

O’CONNOR: "Rook just stomping a mudhold in this man while he's on the canvas."

H’WOOD: "But for some reason, that never ever ceases to amuse me. Why is that?"

O’CONNOR: "Well for starters, you're a fucking simpleton. The champ taking this oppurtunity, quickly hitting up a string of kicks to Doc's neck - here he goes, Doc's on the move still eating those kicks, but he still gets to the ropes for balance. OW! Rook Black barely daunted, follows up with a big kick to the Doc's right knee. And what makes Rook one of the best in the world is that he's a true all arounder. You go to so many different companies, and you find that the guys who are most sucessful are the ones that are really versatile! Rook goes for another kick, Doc jumps out of the way and scoops the free leg - the National Champion stumbles down to the mat.

H’WOOD: "He always keeps his head on a swivel! Lookat 'im go!"

O’CONNOR: "Niiice armbar from Doctor Curiosity! Curiosity’s managed to stay away from outside the ring and the Guardsmen, which a man of his morals…should understand the presence of. He's got a degree of control here and he brings Rook up to his feet - pivots! Nice hip toss from Rook Black - cover! One count! Rook Black! Seamlessly transferring to an STF and if you like technical wrestling, then you like what you're seeing tonight! Curisoity fighting out before he can get the hold cinched in and elbowing him squarely in the face. And that's gonna inspire Rook to back off in a bit... there we go, he lets the hold go, no use busting yourself open this early in a match. Rook's circling, and when you work his style, you've gotta think about getting ready for the long game."

H’WOOD: "Nobody knows about the long game like -"

O’CONNOR: "Then again, you start thinking of the Gauntlet Backhand, and you remember that this is ALSO a guy that can end a match almost any time if he's got an opening. Speaking of openings, Curisoity isn't getting one here, he finally gets back to his feet and Rook welcomes him back to the fight with a stiff kick to the head. Doc's looking pretty slow to his feet, and maybe one of those hits shook him up. You know, the strikes you see in NFW are so devastating that even a simple one could have long term consequences through the course of the match AND beyond. Rook gives something that almost passes for a smile He's stalking him!"

H’WOOD: "You know I don't think that's a smile. I mean, maybe by Rook Black standards, but eh."

O’CONNOR: "Reverse DDT from Rook Black! He pulls the challenger to his feet, nice Irish Whip here Rook goes for a kitchen sink - Doc dives out of the way, nice somersault there from The Good Doctor. Rook charges - big time drop kick to the mouth! That's QUALITY work right there! Pinfall only gets two. Doc getting a little more control of the match, grabs Rook by the back of the neck and throws him into the corner. He charges in for the followup attack and NAILS him with a hard clothesline that whips his neck backwards -and you can tell Rook is looking a little staggered from that blow Curiosity sneaks behind him and puts on a waist lock... German suplex rattled the ring folks Doc bridgs over for another pin - two count, and as we all know you really want to wind your opponent, and making them break pinfalls really helps with that."

H’WOOD: "What's with you doing all this explaining wrestling for retards this match?"

O’CONNOR: "Well as you know, this is CRASH 50 -"

H’WOOD: "Yeah."

O’CONNOR: "So I thought that for an event this special and a CHAMPIONSHIP held in the highest degree, that there'd be a lot of new viewers and this would be a good time to explain to them the strategy behind this sport!"

H’WOOD: "That's stupid. Why would you bother explaining these things to idiots?"

O’CONNOR: "Now why do they have to be -"

H’WOOD: "Do I have to explain this to you? If they WEREN'T idiots, they'd already own Crashes 1 through 49. Duh. Wait, ARE YOU UNDER ORDERS FROM ROOK ON HOW TO CALL HIS TITLE MATCHES?"

O’CONNOR: "I…err…have NO COMMENT on that. I will say that the National Guard may be used as a defensive measure and not an offensive.... Rook off the ropes, nice running dropkick to the head, and Rook senses the momentum he's lost, going right after Doc with a Dragon Sleeper - that's really gonna crane the neck. Rook with a few more punches to the midsection before he lifts him into a Dragon Suplex! Another good combination there, Doc's visibly holding his neck - Rook going for the piiiin, only two, Doc just barely managed to get a shoulder up there! Rook hauls Doc up and whips him across the ring, and he bounces back, Rook goes for a clothesline, Doc slides under the attack on both knees - a move cool enough to get a roar of excitement from a crowd that pretty much thinks he's a douchebag. Doc scoops Rook's leg from behind, but in an amazing display of agility, Rook spins around and pushes Doc back with his legs. Curisoity to the ropes again, and when he bounces back, Rook hits a Samoan Drop on the Doctor! He smirks and bounces off of the ropes, gathering momentum for a high knee drop - and Doctor Curiosity just barely rolls out of the way and Rook's knee collides hard with the mat!"

H’WOOD: "Big pop for Curiosity again. Weird. Really, really weird. But you know what they say about those Boston fans. They suck dick."

O’CONNOR: "Who says that?"

H’WOOD: "I said it just now. Aren't you listening?"

O’CONNOR: "Curiosity rolls to his feet and kicks Rook in the knee again as he tries to rise - then jumps into the air and hits a spinning back elbow! Big moves! He pulls Rook up, and hits a kick to the midsection, a European uppercut, then he goes for another back elbow - but Rook catches on, pushing Doc back and pretty much ruining his momentum, throwing hi off just enough for Rook to land a stiff Northern Lariat. Rook locks in an abdominal stretch, and then rolls over, pressing the knees in and making the hold even worse. The referee is looking for the submission -"

H’WOOD: "You know, you always say you don't like my double entendre's, but you seem to set me up for 'em all the time. What's up with that?"

O’CONNOR: "The ref is still checking, but this is a title match - I can't possibly imagine anything that's gonna make him tap out here."

H’WOOD: "Oh, stop being overdramatic. People tap out in title matches all the time. Just because there's a title on the line you think people are cool with getting their arms broken? Damn, you're dumb."

O’CONNOR: "Elbows from Doc, and Rook Black grits his teeth and stoically takes - WHOA, nice reversal - Curisoity with the bridge! ONE! TWO! NO! Curiosity pounding the mat and I can't blame him, he almost STOLE that one. Rook slowly pulls himself up, and Doc knocks him RIGHT back down with the Lou Thesz Press, rattling the champs cage with SHOT! After SHOT!

H'WOOD: "After shot?"

O’CONNOR: "Yes! Curiosity grabs Rook Black, rushes the ropes and tosses him through the ropes and onto the canvas outside! The Guard are immediately over to Rook and cautiously surrounding him, but not touching. Doc looking around, vaults to the top rooooope! Swanton Bomb from Doctor Curiosity, and both of these guys are wiped out! WOW, WHAT A MOVE! The Guard is separating, they're going crazy here in Boston, we've seen a lot of different stuff tonight - World Title match still to come tonight!"

H'WOOD: "They haven't seen the stuff I've seen in Boston. Two words : Marmalade. Dildos."

O’CONNOR: "Like... were they covered in the marmalade, or was there some third -"

H'WOOD: "I said two words, Kerry, and that's all you're gonna get about your wife at the hotel bar last night!"

O’CONNOR: "Back on the outside, Curiosity is running Rook into all sorts of stuff and Guardsmen - jams his head into the apron, slams his head into the barrier, and finally trips him up sending him to the ground - Rook gets up suddenly but he's clearly out of it, staggering around on the outside - Curiosity hits a big chop block that takes Rook out at the knees, and if it keeps up like this, we might have a new National Champ! Curisoity springs up to the apron, balances on the second rope - moonsault to the outside - right on Rook's back! And this daredevil approach has really worked out well!"

H'WOOD: "Rook needs to utilize that prodigious noggin of his and get these Guardsmen attacking Curiosity! Or at least find a way to punch Curiosity in the mouth, get on top of him, and twist his neck off his shoulders like a fresh can of soda."

O’CONNOR: "He whips Rook back towards the apron - a little life from Rook as he tries to throw an elbow back, but Doc grits his teeth and shoves him under the bottom rope. Hard stomp to the head from Doc Curiosity, he pulls Rook up - and just barely rolls under a superkick from Rook Black, and it's gotta take supernatural senses to duck a move from out of nowhere like that - Curiosity running the ropes, so's Rook - double clothesline! And they're both taken down! Amazing!"

H'WOOD: "That superkick can come from anywhere, it's a move that doesn't get telegraphed outside a little weight shifting. Really brave or skilled or lucky last minute counter from the Doc right there."

O’CONNOR: "Well, look who's an analyst now?"

H'WOOD: "I was mastering every facet of this business back when your mom was wiping your potential big siblings off her Payless sneakers. Remember that."

O’CONNOR: "Both men getting up quickly and (LOUD ROARS!) DOC HITS A SUPERKICK! ARE YOU KIDDING!? HE DROPS FOR THE COVER! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO!"

(CUTTO: EEGOR slightly standing in his seat as if he was about to cheer…)

O’CONNOR: "That was almost a new champion! Curiosity is going outside the ring and headed up the turnbuckles…Curiosity jumps… (LOUD CRASH! GROANS!) NOBODY HOME! CURIOSITY MISSES THE SPLASH! Rook’s getting up slowly, Doc’s bouncing on the mat and rushing up holding his stomach, LOOK OUT! (GROANS!) THROWDOWN SPINEBUSTER! ROOK SLAMS DOC TO THE MAT! HE COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! NO! KICKOUT!"

H’WOOD: "He just dumped that German like I drop the kids off at the pool. Do you just get that foreboding sense for the Dumb Doctor that he’s walked into a situation that wasn’t winnable in the first place? That Rook’s so mentally out there that it’s really some lab experiment we’re not even thinking there was a point in knowing. Of course, this is why Rook gets on my nerves so goddamn much."

O’CONNOR: "Rook bouncing off the ropes, plants an elbow drop! Doc’s legs kick up once and flop to the mat, he’s holding on for dear life right now. Rook bringing him and reeling him into a standing headscissors and has Doc up! (LOUD GROANS!) JUMPING PILEDRIVER! THAT’S GOT TO BE IT! THAT’S GOTTA BE IT! ROOK COVERING! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRRRNO! (LOUD ROARS!) CURIOSITY KICKS OUT! I DON’T, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! ROOK IS SMILING! He’s almost enjoying this challenge! Rook standing on his feet and pacing around the ring, looking up at Eegor…"

(CLOSEUP: EEGOR looking around at the Guard, looking around nervously in the chair at the weapons…)

O’CONNOR: "Rook now grabbing Curiosity by the hair and lifting him back up to his feet, Rook he’s GOING FOR THE GAUNTLET! (LOUD GROANS!) CURIOSITY COUNTERS! KNEE TO THE SILLYNANNIES! Rook’s eyes are crossed!"

H’WOOD: "And that’s Curiosity’s general assertion as a Doctor of this sport. When all else fails? KNEE ZE BALLZ!"

O’CONNOR: "Rook’s doubled over and Curiosity’s teetering around the ring! Kick to Rook’s head! Rook’s standing and charges at Doc, OH! Kitchen sink knee! WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) EEGOR THROUGH CURIOSITY A BAT! HE SWINGS! (SFX: A WIFFLE SHOT! THE CROWD ROARS!) …that was just a wiffle bat?"

H’WOOD: "I don’t get it."

(CUTTO: EEGOR looking around frantically in the chair, tossing out a Styrofoam toilet set, a plastic bowling ball…his eyes light up as he picks up a 2x4 and tosses it down! DOC grabs it and whirls around as Rook shakes out the cobwebs! SFX: BOOF! DOC looks at it angrily and tosses the plastic toy to the ground.)

O’CONNOR: "None of the weapons are real? DID ROOK SEE THAT COMING!? He’s coming at Curiosity and grabs him in a waistlock! (GROANS!) BACK KICK TO THE BALLS! Rook’s down to a knee, CURIOSITY HAS HIM! SHINING WIZAHHHHHHH—NO! ROOK PUT HIS ARMS UP AND BLOCKED THE SCHRODINGER’S SMACK!"

H’WOOD: "Fake weapons, Rook? REALLY? WHY? WHY DO YOU HATE ME!?"

O’CONNOR: "His own arm might be hating him more for trying that block! Rook’s holding that arm and Doc sees it right away! He’s kicking at Rook! LOOK AT THIS! DOC’S HOOKED IN A SEATED SCISSORS ARMBAR! Rook’s yelling in pain, but he’s too close to the ropes and grabs them immediately…I don’t think Doc realized where they were and OH! Rook with a knee to Doc’s head as they’re broken up! Another to the face! Rook’s got Doc around the throat! GAUNTL—WAIT! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEGOR! (LOUD ROARS!) EEGOR’S SCREAMING HE’S GONNA JUMP OUT OF THE CHAIR! ROOK’S PLEADING WITH HIM! (LOUD EXPLOSION! LOUD GROANS!) EEGOR FLIES BUT MISSES! He’s still on his feet, but ROOK, OH NOOOOOOOOO! HE’S GOT HIM AROUND THE THROAT! (LOUD SCREAMS! CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) GAUNTLET BACKHANNNNNNNNNNND! EEGOR’S OUT! EEGOR’S OUT!"

H’WOOD: "Well, that’s not a good way to treat your hospitable guest!"

O’CONNOR: "Or his punishment for treason! Rook looks troubled by what he’s done, OHHHHHHH! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) JUMPING KNEESTRIKE TO THE BACK OF ROOK’S HEAD! He’s slumped over the middle ropes, he’s signaling something as Doc’s bounding off the ropes and WHAT TH—(CROWD MARKOUT!) TIGER FEINT KNEE! THE 3-1-4! THERE WERE ONLY RUMOURS OF THAT MOVE! (SFX: BELL RINGING!) WHAT’S GOING ON!?!? ROOK BLACK IS OUT! ROOK BLACK IS OUT! "

H’WOOD: (over repeated bell ringing!) "I think Rook called for the bell, I don’t know why he did that. Probably ‘cause Eegor and Doc were cheating so damn much, you know how much he was trying to prevent it! This is why my brain can’t stand the guy!"

O’CONNOR: "…I think..he just got away with MURDER! The National Guard has crashed the ring and are separating all three individuals who were there in the first place. We’ve got Rook Black finally coming to and he’s commiserating with the referee…he gets to call this? THIS IS INSANE."

(CUTTO: GREG HERPIN relaying the information to LEE-BABY SIMS, who does a doubletake as HERPIN nods in disbelief himself.)

SIMS: "This match has been stopped due to a…"

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY and EEGOR in one corner, ROOK in the other…)

SIMS: "DISQUALIFICATION!"

O’CONNOR: "You were right!"

SIMS: "Due to the fact that the National Champion, ROOK BLACK struck a Guardsmen violently during the rules of engagement, the winner of he match is DOCTORRRRRRRRRR CURIOSITY!"

H’WOOD: "You spoke too soon."

(CUTTO: CURIOSITY looking surprised at smiling…)

SIMS: "However, due to the fact that a Guardsmen left his post during the rules of engagement, he is now subject to the decision rendered by the NFW National Champion."

(CUTTO: EEGOR gulping as his eyes pop out, while DOC complains to referee HERPIN who can only shrug. CUTTO: ROOK BLACK now holding his National Championship with an expressionless look on his face, he’s walking towards EEGOR who’s being dragged to the center of the ring.)

O’CONNOR: "Hasn’t he hurt him enou—(LOUD BOOS!) OHHHHHHHH! BELT SHOT TO EEGOR’S HEAD! EEGOR’S DOWN! Guardsmen are dragging Curiosity to the middle of the ring! (LOUD ROARS!) And hold on! LOOK WHO’S WALKING OUT ONTO THE RAMP!"

(CUTTO: The fans jumping up in excitement as ALIAS, aka Chrisotpher Shefflield walks slowly on the ramp and looking a little surprised at the current situation in the ring. QUICK CUTTO: BLACK immediately notices the roars as sees the close-up of ALIAS on the FRONTIERtron. BLACK’S head cocks to the side and he slightly smiles at the unexpected development. CUTTO: ALIAS stepping through the ropes, into the ring as BLACK lets the Guardsmen know it’s ok and to release CURIOSITY and EEGOR…CROWD: "AAAAAAAAAALIASSSSSSSSSSS! ALLLLLLLLIASSSSSSSSSSS!")

O’CONNOR: "CHRISTOPHER SHEFFIELD IS OUT HERE! ALIAS IS HERE!"

H’WOOD: "I thought he blew up in a demolition derby dune…go figure."

(CUTTO: ALIAS and BLACK staring down in the middle of the ring. BLACK says, "Is this a surprise for me?" ALIAS mouths back with a smile, "I’m sorry, do I KNOW YOU?" almost in an accusatory and offended twinge to his grin. BLACK shakes his head, understanding completely and nodding. He turns around, slinging the National Championship over his shoulder…leaving the ring. He nods to the Guardsmen who follow him out. "Maybe, but maybe we don’t know ourselves to begin with." QUICK CUTTO: H’WOOD’s forehead smacking once against his desk as O’CONNOR does a wide-eyed doubletake and then regains control of his camera-face.)

O’CONNOR: "Ummm…Lamont?"

(H’WOOD sits up.)

H’WOOD: "Trying to make my brain feel better."

(CLOSEUP: ALIAS, CURIOSITY and EEGOR slowly being left alone in the ring, while ROOK BACK never turns around…not even for the thousands upon thousands of jeering Bostonians. FADEOUT.)

(FADEIN: BACK LIVE!)

O'CONNOR: "Ok, thanks for watching the thirty-second spot for ESEN's upcoming new programming over the fall. We're excited about some of those new ventures. And the fans are still buzzing after ALIAS walked out so nonchalantly and weirdly. Coming face to face with his formal stablemate, Rook Black after a weird disqualification. And SPEAKING OF STABLES...

(CUTTO: A crowded ring, fourteen wrestlers in-all. Stretching his back against the ropes is RICH MAHOGANY, wearing an unsightly yellow banana-hammock plus matching bandanna wrapped around his neck. He pulls a gun from his holster and points it at his body- BANG! Huh? But it only shoots baby oil…all over his body; disgusting. Circling him is VARGA rockin’ the black ‘Lost Boys’ movie poster tee and carrying a long 25-pound chain; he accidentally bumps shoulders with the American flag-masked AMERICAN PANDA, prompting Panda to raise his bamboo stick up like he’s gonna strike. TERESA QUARANTA’s standing confidently in one of the corners, wearing the jumpsuit from Bruce Lee’s ‘Game of Death’ and swinging around a meteor hammer and rope dart. See, the weapon is a long rope complete with two twin metal weights aka darts at each end. It can be swung around the neck, legs, arms, shoulders, wrists, feet, or wherever else you can think of, with the darts being used for both offense and defense. Other participants include DAWN McGILL in her four-inch stiletto heels, JONATHAN MARX donning a Hornet tee and holding a plank of wood, BLOODHUNT sporting a Misfits bullet logo shirt and brass knuckles, KELLY MASTERS in his usual attire, and of course, the MONSTERS OF THE PACIFIC; CAPTAIN JUSTICE and ULTRAJIRA! Captain Justice is looking very Dream in his black sleeveless shirt, dark blue jeans, and cowboy hat over his American flag mask. He’s also got the actual American flag, apparently planning to use it as a weapon ala Mel Gibson in The Patriot. ‘Jira looks pissed in his cowboy hat, quickly flinging it into the crowd. Oddly enough, he’s holding up a replica Stanley Cup to bash people over the head with. In the middle of the ring is PROBLEM CHILD holding a…ROCKET LAUNCHER?!)

O’CONNOR: WELCOME to the BUNKHOUSE STAMPEDE! And we’re about to get underway here, though Problem Child seems to have the field frozen with that, uh…is that a rocket launcher he’s got?

H’WOOD: Well, I’ve surmised the situation and it comes down to this: either we’re all, every single one of us, going to DIE…or PC’s full of crap.

O’CONNOR: Look out! PC’s got the gun aimed at Rich Mahogany! He pulls the trigger, Mahogany backs over the ropes and onto the outside! Huh?

(PC pulls the trigger only to see a ‘BANG!’ flag out of the rocket launcher!)

O’CONNOR: It was a dud! McGill superkicks PC with those heels, and now we’ve got some action! Ultrajira with some shots, and he tosses PC over the top!

H’WOOD: Hey, great move Mahogany! Was that your plan; back over the ropes and dodge the rocket propelled missile? Christ, where do they find these people!

O’CONNOR: Mahogany gives PC a few parting stomps before heading back into the ring. OH MY! TQ swung one of those metal darts around her neck and into the face of P. KING DUK…Varga grabs him stumbling, DEATH VALLEY DRIVER! The count! ONE…TWO…THREE! And we have our first elimination!

H’WOOD: Look at Varga with the pin! I’ve gotta say, the guy came in tonight looking phenomenal!

O’CONNOR: Problem Child’s back in the ring now and he SMACKS Bret Kelly with an elbow before finishing with a DDT! His cover is broken by Rich Mahogany. Mahogany now rubbing those boots in PC’s face, using the ropes as leverage!

H’WOOD: I hope he washed the cow sh[BLEEP] off his boots before the match, though it wouldn’t much alter PC’s hygiene anyhow.

O’CONNOR: Bloodhunt, the two-time- the ONLY two-time World Heavyweight Champion in NFW history, battling Varga in the corner with chops and now kicks to the midsection! (CROWD OOOOHS!) RIGHT IN THE JAW WITH THOSE BRASS KNUCKLES! Varga’s opened up, but Teresa saves him by whipping that rope around Bloodhunt’s ankles and pulling his legs out from under him!

H’WOOD: Gotta admit, that’s one hell of a weapon.

O’CONNOR: Jonathan Marx has PC now…Irish whip into Panda, who takes him down with the Juggular Chomp double chokeslam! ONE…TWOOOO…THREE! And he’s immediately up to toss PC back over the ropes! Whoaaho! There goes his rocket launcher too!

(PROBLEM CHILD gets up in front of the announcers’ table, rubbing his head and now smacking the rocket launcher like it’s broken)

PC: You know, this sh[BLEEP] always worked in CGI!

H’WOOD: We’re not in Kansas any more sweetheart, now hit the bricks!

O’CONNOR: Oh my! Bret Kelly just got NAILED across the face with that American Flag, and Captain Justice goes for the cover. No! Broken up by Kelly Masters! Marx and McGill trading blows now, Marx seems to be getting the better of the exchange. Uh oh, LOOK OUT! (CROWD: OOOOHHH!) ULTRAJIRA JUST BELTED BRET KELLY WITH LORD STANLEY’S CUP! The cover! ONE...TWOOOO…Mahogany breaks it up with a leg drop off the top rope! Mahogany steals the pin! ONE...TWOOOO…THREE! Bye bye Bret Kelly!

H’WOOD: Look at Rich Mahogomy…Magogomy…Magogomy? Did I just say Magogomy? Mahogany! Damn it, we should have RULES against tongue twisters! But look at the guy totally redeem himself; brilliant move! That’s how you win these shindigs, Beanfry. Ya gotta let someone else do all the work and then GANK their pin!

O’CONNOR: Varga with a running bulldog on Bloodhunt. He’s back up and levels Ultrajira with a clothesline! Have we seen this kinda fire from James Varga? He’s come to Boston to win, folks!

H’WOOD: Check it out, she’s yanking Varga’s chain!

O’CONNOR: McGill just picked up the chain Varga brought with him, and now she’s swinging it at Jonathan Marx! OH NO! She just tripped over her own heels!

H’WOOD: Serves ya right, hunny! Those things were meant for the stage, not the ring! Her ankle might be shot.

O’CONNOR: Marx taking advantage of the situation, but here comes Ultrajira…Marx eats an elbow from Ultrajira! McGill back up…’Jira ducks the chain, La Estrella 100% eats it! DDT on McGill! ‘Jira covers Estrella…ONE…TWOOO…THREE! ESTRELLA’S OUT! He covers McGill, trying for two! ONE…TWO…NO! CLOSE, BUT NOT THERE! Wait a minute…what’s going on?

(ARENA LIGHTS DIM)

H’WOOD: Hey, put those lights back on! McGill was getting up and I had a nice view from the backside!

(CUEUP: "Killing Is My Business…And Business Is Good!" by Megadeth)

(CUTTO: The ramp- FIREWORKS EXPLOSION! TERENCE comes RUNNING OUT in acid washed jeans, tucked in Anthrax t-shirt, sunglasses, and a Les Paul guitar! His mullet is FLYING as he darts into the ring Ultimate Warrior style!)

O’CONNOR: Wait a minute, is that…TERENCE?! The illustrious Megadeth fanatic, your run of the mill FAN, whose been talking smack to the entire locker room, he’s made his debut!

H’WOOD: Oh God…have we really fallen that low?

SIMS: Now entering the ring, hailing from Acme, Michigan. He comes to us at a height and weight of DAN RYAN PROPORTIONS! HE! IZZZZZZZ! TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TERENCE: F[BLEEP]K YEAH ASSFAGS!

O’CONNOR: Look out! Terence is cleaning house! He throws an elbow at ‘Jira, a left and a right at Bloodhunt! Marx- DOWN! Masters- DOWN! Mahogany- DOWN! AND TERENCE ISN’T THROUGH! HE WANTS MORE!

H’WOOD: Go on Beanfry, get in there!

O’CONNOR: He’s wielding that guitar over his head…HE’S GONNA- no, he doesn’t. What the hell is he doing? He stops to chat with…with TERESA QUARANTA?

TERENCE: Look, I’m sorry for stuff I said to you, ‘cause you are hot but at the same time you were being a BITCH! So if you help me win this then I can pin you in my backseat later. I have a truck. Also who is that other girl? Have you ever tried a threeway?

H’WOOD: LOOK OUT, TERRY!

(CROWD: OOOOOOOHHHH!)

O’CONNOR: Dawn McGill just did civilization a favor- she uppercut Terence in the family jewels! Teresa swings that rope dart around her waist, over her neck, and NAILS Terence in the face with the meteor hammer! Terence is stumbling, but he’s NOT OUT! Varga’s behind him! COMMERCIAL BREAK! VARGA HIT TERENCE WITH THAT DOUBLE-KNEE FACEBREAKER! ONE…TWOOO…THREE! TERENCE…IS…OUTTA HERE!

H’WOOD: Good, ‘cause if he won this thing, I was retiring.

O’CONNOR: Down to 10 competitors from 15…here’s Kelly Masters with a body lock on American Panda. Meanwhile Bloodhunt’s working on Varga in the corner…TQ decks Captain Justice with a Bakatare sliding kick! Masters…German suplex! He just dropped Panda on his neck!

H’WOOD: The WWF’s not gonna like that- how dare he suplex an endangered species!

O’CONNOR: TQ picks up Captain Justice’s American flag…she stands across from Jonathan Marx, who’s got the wood plank.

H’WOOD: Hate to say it, but wood plank defeats American flag easy.

O’CONNOR: Here comes down McGill from behind Marx…FOUR INCH STILETTO HEAL PLANTED SWIFTLY TO HIS MANHOOD! MY GOD!

H’WOOD: Hey, I know guys who’ll pay GOOD MONEY to have that done to them! I hear it carries a street value of $575.

O’CONNOR: TQ whacks Marx with the flag! McGill dropkicks TQ! She covers Marx…ONE…TWO…THREE! MARX IS GONE!

H’WOOD: Maybe he’ll build a time machine and travel back to 15 minutes ago…and wear a CUP this time!

O’CONNOR: Varga’s got his chain wrapped around the neck of Bloodhunt! Ultrajira tosses the Stanley Cup at Mahogany…Mahogany ducks…and dives out of the ring to escape a charging Ultrajira!

H’WOOD: Uh oh, he’s drawing his gun!

O’CONNOR: No, he’s oiling up his body, is what he’s doing. Mahogany slides back into the ring to find Dawn McGill laid out in the corner…oh COME ON! Is that really necessary?!

(Mahogany backs up and rodeo dives Dawn McGill, riding her chest with his banana hammock!)

H’WOOD: Totally uncalled for. You know I tried that with the Misses once? Let me tell you, that was NOT one of the highlights of our marriage.

O’CONNOR: Somewhere in the back, Blaine is covering his ears. Here’s Ultrajira with a bear hug on Rich Mahogany…OH NO! He turned and squirted that oil into the face of Ultrajira! Here comes Varga…BACKSTABBER! He clotheslines Mahogany, now goes for the pin! ONE…TWO…THREE! VARGA ELIMINATED ULTRAJIRA!

H’WOOD: Smart move, not letting Mahogany swipe the pin. Varga could be the darkhorse here. You hear that Vegas? If you’re betting dogs, put money on this guy!

O’CONNOR: RIGHT TO THE LOWER BACK GOES THE BRASS KNUCKLES OF BLOODHUNT! Varga to his knees! TERESA…SHINING WIZARD! COVER! ONE…TWO…she lets him up to avoid Bloodhunt’s interference, and now the two former champions are at each other’s throats!

H’WOOD: Varga’s still down, somebody would be wise to cover him. Come on people: let’s partake in a little thievery here!

O’CONNOR: I think Captain Justice heard you, Lamont. He puts his foot on Varga’s chest…NO! TWO COUNT! Look at this, Teresa’s got that rope wrapped around Bloodhunt’s neck…he’s turning purple! McGill sidekicks him to the gut…Panda dropkicks McGill’s knees out. Bloodhunt’s down to one knee, he might be going to sleep!

H’WOOD: This would be a HUGE elimination! ‘Hunt’s the most decorated competitor in this field!

O’CONNOR: He’s back up now, using the rope for leverage. One last hurrah for the former champion…RIGHT OVER THE ROPES!

H’WOOD: Oh wow, she might have broken a leg!

O’CONNOR: BLOODHUNT USED A SHOULDER THROW TO TOSS TERESA TO THE OUTSIDE! My God, what a fall! Teresa is banged up on the outside, Bloodhunt stumbling around trying to catch his breath!

H’WOOD: Mahogany just followed her out like a date rapist following a drunken co-ed to the tavern parking lot!

O’CONNOR: Varga comes flying off the ropes at Bloodhunt…spinning back elbow! No, Bloodhunt ducks it…HE’S GOT HIM UP! HEADSHOT! HEADSHOT! ONE…TWOOOOO…THREEEEEE! VARGA’S GONE, AND BLOODHUNT IS ONE STEP CLOSER TO REGAINING LOST GLORY!

H’WOOD: Well, either way ‘Hunt can leave the ring satisfied; he came for Varga’s head and he got it! The rest is pure frosting…

O’CONNOR: On the outside of the ring, Mahogany sends TQ barreling into the steps. Teresa’s taking some big time punishment in this bout, as the bulls-eye seems to be on the former National Champion’s back.

H’WOOD: Are you accusing our illustrious Teresa of having a tramp-stamp?

O’CONNOR: No, not THAT kind of bulls-eye. Captain Justice whips Masters into the ropes- LOOK OUT! BELTED BY LORD STANLEY, COURTESY OF DAWN MCGILL!

H’WOOD: An American hero, knocked silly by a storied Canadian sports trophy. Am I the only one that smells irony?

O’CONNOR: Back to the outside, Mahogany’s exposed the concrete floor beneath the mats as he attempts a bulldog on Teresa. No! Teresa stops his momentum and has him up! OOH MY! She hung him out to dry on the guard rail, followed by a clothesline into the first row!

H’WOOD: Banana hammock plus steel railing equals one hell of an infertility quotient. I feel like my seeing that hurt Blaine a little bit. Sorta like a voodoo doll thing…nevermind.

O’CONNOR: She sends Mahogany back into the ring. Panda intercepts him…GERMAN SUPLEX! RIGHT ON HIS NECK, COMPLETELY BRUTAL! ONE…TWO…THREE! Mahogany got some unreal height on that one, and now he’s gone! We’re down to six!

H’WOOD: Sayonara dick wood!

O’CONNOR: Bloodhunt with a snap mare on Masters, stepping back and IMMEDIATELY bringing those brass knuckles down on his head! TQ’s behind him now, Bloodhunt with a SPINNING BRASS BACKFIST…TQ DUCKS! BELLY TO BELLY! Some power displayed there by Teresa Quaranta!

H’WOOD: That’s it; I want her tested for male hormone supplementation! You can never be too careful in this day and age.

(CROWD: OOOOH!)

O’CONNOR: DID YOU SEE THAT?! American Panda came off the top rope with a Senton…holding that Stanley Cup, absolutely CRUSHING the ribs of Captain Justice! Although I’m not sure the sacrifice was worth it in the end- Panda’s lower back is pulsing with hurt!

H’WOOD: Two men down, the perfect opportunity for one of the other four to score an elimination!

O’CONNOR: Look at this! Teresa using ALL HER STRENGTH to hoist Bloodhunt on her shoulders, trying to potato-sack him over the top rope! Here comes Kelly Masters for the assist! NO, HE GRABS TERESA BY THE ANKLES! AAAAND THEY’RE GONE! (CROWD GASPS!) WAIT A MINUTE! TQ CAUGHT HOLD OF THE ROPES!

H’WOOD: Totally unfair! If she had been baring children like a normal woman, her abs would NOT have allowed her to pull up like that!

O’CONNOR: Bloodhunt’s gone, TQ’s back in the ring…but Kelly Masters won’t let her breathe! Meanwhile, American Panda is DRIVING that American flag into the chest of Captain Justice! Dawn McGill and Panda are trading off now, she with the stiletto heels to the midsection of the masked hero.

(At ringside, MISS AMERICA comes to the aid of BLOODHUNT before escorting him to the locker room. As they make their way out, a random fan screams "BRING BACK ZANE!" Bloodhunt pauses, sneers, and turns back towards the guard rail)

MISS AMERICA: Oh jeez, let it go Richard!

BLOODHUNT: Nah, just a second…just a second.

(The fan looks across at ‘Hunt with a stupid smile on his face, before Bloodhunt delivers a left-hook to his jaw! Satisfied, he exits)

O’CONNOR: Look out, McGill’s got Captain Justice on the top turnbuckle, setting him up for a superplex! Does she have the power? CAN she get him? Not quite! Another attempt…BLOCKED by Captain Justice! HOLD ON! FRONT SUPLEX RIGHT ON THE ROPE! CAPTAIN JUSTICE JUST HUNG DAWN MCGILL OUT TO DRY!

H’WOOD: By the look on her face, she’s either got testicles, or Captain Justice just popped her cherry on that ring rope.

O’CONNOR: Justice leaps at her with the clothesline! Where’s she falling?! OUTSIDE THE RING! DAWN MCGILL IS OUT! WE’RE DOWN TO FOUR!

H’WOOD: Thatta boy Panda, waste no time! Give no quarter!

O’CONNOR: Captain Justice is slow to his feet, still reeling from that Lord Stanley Senton which SURELY broke at least a rib…maybe two! Panda’s delivering some vicious elbows to his forehead; he can barely stand! On the other side of the ring, Teresa reverses a hammerlock from Kelly Masters, leaves her feet…TORNADO DDT! RIGHT ON THE WOOD PLANK! MASTERS IS OUT COLD!

H’WOOD: This could come down to TQ and Panda! Woman and beast! Man on dog! Wait, huh? Where’d that come from?

O’CONNOR: Captain Justice…BARELY STANDING against the ropes! Panda’s sizing him up, perhaps for a clothesline. There he goes…running off the ropes...FOR THE ELIMINATION!

(SFX: BLUNT OBJECT THUD!)

(CROWD: OOOOOOOHHHHH!)

O’CONNOR: PANDA’S DEAD! HE’S DEAD! He was running full force before Teresa kicked that rope dart around her foot and RIGHT-INTO-THE-FACE…of AMERICAN PANDA! LET’S SEE THAT AGAIN!

(SPLIT-SCREEN REPLAY: Panda runs into the ropes, while off to the side, Teresa times a perfectly executed rope dart thrust kicked around her legs, off her foot, and into Panda’s face! Immediately followed by the crowd’s ‘OOOOH!’)

H’WOOD: His forehead’s gonna have a CREVICE in it when he wakes up! I mean, she hit American Panda so hard with that meteor hammer, an actual panda died FOR REAL somewhere in Asia. They…ARE in Asia, aren’t they?

O’CONNOR: Amazingly enough, Panda’s struggling to his feet, though I’m fairly certain he hasn’t the foggiest idea where the hell he is. Teresa smiles at him…she’s not done. Oh my! A spinning capoeira kick to Panda’s skull…his arms flail and he’s STILL standing! She backs up…DROPKICK OVER THE ROPES! PANDA’S GONE, FINALLY!

H’WOOD: Good, get him the hell out of here!

O’CONNOR: And with that, the field is narrowed to the final three…seemingly Teresa’s choice as to the next elimination! Captain Justice has collapsed from those elbows, trying to scramble back up but unable! Masters is still out!

H’WOOD: Hold on…he’s BACK!

O’CONNOR: WHAT?! Panda’s back in the ring! Teresa has no clue!

H’WOOD: Damn it, hasn’t she taken rape prevention courses? TURN AROUND! PEPPER SPRAY! DO SOMETHING!

O’CONNOR: Panda’s got the rope in his hands now…he wraps it around her neck from behind! Teresa’s turning blue already- that’s a tight grip! NECKBREAKER! THE ROPE JUST CRUSHED HER THROAT…AND HER NECK! PANDA LEAVES THE RING! WE’RE STILL DOWN TO THREE, BUT NONE OF THEM ARE MOVING!

H’WOOD: Malik, get out here! It’s not too late to enter!

O’CONNOR: Are you freaking kidding? After what your son practically put him through, you’re gonna say that!?

H’WOOD: He knows his role!

O’CONNOR: Quaranta’s in big trouble!

(CUTTO: Fireworks exploding from the rafters! The War Games Cage starts lowering down! Chants of "ENN-EFF-DUB! ENN-EFF-DUB!" echo throughout the arena!)

O’CONNOR: Oh…dear…GOD.

H’WOOD: You think Eddie’s finally decided to trap these freaks and blow them up Dan Ryan style?

O’CONNOR: I wouldn’t doubt it, but I’m not hoping for it either! The War Games cage is lowering on the bunkhouse stampede final threesome of Teresa Quaranta, Captain Justice and Kelly Masters! We’re pretty much running the gamut on character archetypes right here as the former National Champion, a complete America-loving weirdo and one of the most technically sound wrestlers are forced to up the ante of barbarism.

H’WOOD: We’d have to give the edge to an America-loving weirdo based on that right?

O’CONNOR: Obviously, you’ve forgotten the skillset of Teresa Quaranta…and truth be told, I don’t know if Kelly Masters can wrestle himself out of this one! Although, now that I start thinking about it…if that cage is lowered, NOBODY CAN BE THROWN OVER THE TOP!

H’WOOD: Well, they can…they just won’t land out of the ring.

O’CONNOR: Which means pinfalls/submissions end this thing and there’s a whole lot of barbed wire steel being locked into place… (LOUD ROARS!) They’re locked, stocked and barreled in there!

(CLOSEUP: CAPTAIN JUSTICE on all fours looking around in confusion. CUTTO: KELLY MASTERS on a knee, shaking his head in disbelief at his newfound surroundings. CUTTO: TERESA QUARANTA, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. Guess who’s the NFW vet?)

O’CONNOR: All three are standing up and out comes Justice! Rushing into Masters and nailing a right cross! Another! Big forearm! Masters takes an Irish whip out of the corner and into the opposite corners! HERE COMES JUSTICE! (GROANS!) NOOOOOOOO! MASTERS MOVES! He’s got Justice wrapped around the waist! BRIDGING GERMAN SUPLEX! ONE! TW—(LOUD GROANS!) TQ with a double stomp to Masters! She bounces off the ropes, NO! SPRINGBOARD! (CROWD ROARS!) MOONSAULT ON BOTH! UNBELIEVABLE! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! NO! DOUBLE KICKOUT! We almost had it end right there!

H’WOOD: And that just makes me want to cry.

O’CONNOR: The former National Champion is on her feet and this could propel her right back into the thick of things in NFW! TQ climbing up the turnbuckles, both of her opponents are getting up! (LOUD ROARS!) SPLIT-LEGGED DROPKICK! (CROWD POP!) Kipup by TQ! Neither Justice nor Masters went down from the impact, they’re staggering around! (LOUD POP!) LEG LARIAT TO MASTERS! Masters hits the cage in a stumble and jumps around from getting sliced! TQ rolling on her feet, she jumps at Justice! (CROWD SCREAMS!) JUSTICE CAUGHT HER! What’s he doing..he’s repositioning her…(LOUD GROANS!) OH MY GOD! HE JUST HIT TQ WITH A CAPTURE SUPLEX!

H’WOOD: I think that’s illegal in 37 states to do that to a woman!

O’CONNOR: Well, I don’t think…

H’WOOD: Listen, we know why you and your wife live in Boston. That crap’s an Irish tradition.

O’CONNOR: What? Wait…JUSTICE PINNING QUARANTA! ONE! TWO! THHHHHELLO KELLY! (CROWD SCREAMS!) ESS-TEE-EFFFFFFFFFFF! ESS-TEE-EFFFFFFFFFFF! MASTERS HAS IT LOCKED! JUSTICE SCREAMING WILDLY!

H’WOOD: And look at the eyes of Herpin, he’s wondering how he got locked in there. His moustache really needs to go, I’m seeing the greys. I can put him in touch with Kareem, he’ll show him some good Just For Men techniques.

O’CONNOR: JUSTICE HAS NOWHERE TO GO! WILL HE TAP!? (CROWD: "TAP! TAP! TAP!") THIS AIN’T NO TEA PARTY CONVENTION RIGHT NOW!

H’WOOD: The Melton brothers were banned from this telecast, Beansprouts.

O’CONNOR: JUSTICE SHAKING HIS HEAD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He’s not giving in, he knows this would put him on the NFW map! Quaranta’s on her feet and MASTERS BETTER PAY ATTENTION! OH! (LOUD BOOS!) KICK TO JUSTICE’S HEAD! QUARANTA’S TRYING TO HELP MASTERS!

H’WOOD: I…I…LIKE HER NOW!

O’CONNOR: You would for this! Herpin’s wincing, Justice is screaming…and MASTER BREAKS THE HOLD! (LOUD SHOCK!) MASTERS IS YELLING AT QUARAN—OH! (LOUD GROANS!) HEAD KICK BY TQ! (CROWD: OHHHHHHHHHH!) HEAD KICK TO THE FACE! Masters staggering back and he’s on the cage…LOOK OUT! (LOUD GROANS!) SUPERKICK! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? MASTERS HITS THE MAT! His feet are kicking at the mat like he’s on fire, the back of his head just got spiked into the cage’s barbed wire with that superkick!

H’WOOD: Man, she’s starting to remind me of a young Momma O’Connor, Beansprout! On god knows what, ready to just tear you up with that slight twinge of visceral viciousness to her that gives me a little spark in East Funkytown if you know what I’m sayin’.

O’CONNOR: I…I really don’t.

H’WOOD: My right testicle, Beanfry. Across Sunset Boulevard to West Mali—

O’CONNOR: OK, DONE WITH YOU. The former NATIONAL Champion should be respected as the one-of-a-kind wrestler that she is…Masters is fighting up to all fours quickly and HOLD IT! ROLLING LA MAGISTRAL! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! MASTERS POWERS OUT! Both are getting up and Teresa with a spinning forearm that’s blocked by Masters! OHNO! (LOUD GROANS!) STO BACKBRAKER!

H’WOOD: You’re putting her over the knee all wrong!

O’CONNOR: Forget that, he’s bringing her back up… (LOUD SCREAMS!) SWEET MASTERCARD! YOU CAN’T BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR! INVERTED STO FACEBUSTER! MASTERS ROLLS OVER QUARANTA! TIGHT CRADLED PIN ATTEMPT! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRNO! (LOUD ROARS!) JUSTICE DIVES IN! WHY’D HE DIVE IN!?

H’WOOD: The man’s an homage to a time where women were supposed to be cracking you across the back with a cat o’ 9 tails in a black latex suit!

O’CONNOR: Seriously, stop thinking about her like that! Teresa Quaranta has defeated nearly EVERY wrestler in New Frontier Wrestling…she’s possibly had the TOUGHEST winning streak behind Joe the Plumber’s epic run, as she had her OWN EPIC RUN on the way to the National Championship.

H’WOOD: Y’know maybe with Rosario Dawson watching scared in the background, wearing a French Maid’s outfit.

O’CONNOR: Quaranta is bringing up Masters, I can’t believe you’re such a pig about this. You don’t deserve that seat sometimes.

H’WOOD: Monica Belluci, Beansprouts? I mean, I didn’t know you were into the mother/daughter…

O’CONNOR: LOOKOUT! MASTERS INTO THE CAGE! JUSTICE RAKING HIM ACROSS! (LOUD SCREAMS!) Kelly Masters in a lot of pain as blood’s pouring out of his forehead! Justice turns around! LOOKOUT! Into the other side of the cage! LOOKOUT! INTO THE OTHER SIDE OFF THE REBOUND! Masters twirling around, KICK TO THE GUT! HE’S GOT MASTERS ON HIS SHOULDERS! B-52 BOMBER SPINNNNNNNNNNNNNN! WAFFLE HOUSE FLAPJACK! THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION! MASTERS IS OUT! JUSTICE FOR THE PIN! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEEEENO! (LOUD ROARS!) MASTERS KICKS OUT! JUSTICE CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

H’WOOD: Masters might have just had a spastic aneurysm to save his match, I don’t know about kicking out…

O’CONNOR: Justice is staying on the offense, he’s backing up into the corner….he’s STOMPING THE BOOT! I’ve heard about this! We could be seeing the BIG BOOT! The shot ‘heard round the world! Masters getting up slowly, wobbily…here comes the Captain! WAIT! OH! MASTERS JUMPS OUT WITH A SIDE ELBOW! He caught Justice right in the throat before he got going! Masters falls against the ropes, Justice is in trouble! (LOUD GROANS!) OHSWEETNOTHIN’! QUARANTA WITH A KICK TO THE NUTS! (MORE GROANS!) KICK TO THE FACE! Justice is down! Masters staggering towards TQ and right into a hurricanrana! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRNO! Masters kicks out! They’re both scrambling up and OH! (crowd gets loud!) Masters fires first with a kick to the gut! He’s got Quaranta! (LOUD ROARS!) DOUBLE ARM DEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Masters plants the former National Champion! She could be out of it! Masters grabbing Quaranta by the hair, look at his head Lamont!

H’WOOD: I’m trying NOT to.

O’CONNOR: Masters is bleeding profusely, he wipes it off his face and flicks it to the mat…he grabs Quarnta and picks her up. He’s taking her to the turnbuckles and putting her on the top! Masters with a forearm to TQ! Another! Masters now climbing up with Quaranta! I THINK HE’S GOING FOR SOME SORT OF SUPERPLEX! He’s got Quaranta almost in a head and arm hold, but OH BOY! (LOUD ROARS!) JUSTICE IS ON HIS FEET! He’s coming in from behind and OH! Forearm to Masters’ back! Another one! LOOKIT THIS! (LOUD ROARS!) JUSTICE HAS MASTERS ON THIS SHOULDERS! TQ IS STANDING ON THE TOP! SHE JUMPS! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION! ELEVATOR DROP AND A GUILLOTINE LEGDROP! QUARANTA HAS MASTERS PINNED! ONNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD ROARS!) MASTERS IS OUT! HE’S DONE!

H’WOOD: And let’s face it there’s a HUGE mental advantage going for Teresa versus the HUGE size advantage of Justice. If Justice weren’t such a moronic imbecile, I may have a slight desire to see him win. We need more big men to slap around some of the idiots like him. Malik Anderson can’t take care of everyone.

O’CONNOR: Masters is pretty much unconscious, what a finale to his IMPRESSIVE night. The bronze medal is nothing to shake his head at as Quaranta is up first, kicking Justice in the legs! These two have a short, interesting history right now and Quaranta rakes the eyes! Quaranta off the ropes, WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) JUSTICE HAS HER UP! HE’S RUNNING AROUND THE RING! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) POWWWWWWWWWWERSLAM! HOLY JUSTICE SLAM! JUSTICE HOLDING ON! QUARANTA KICKING FRANTICALLY! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) IT’S OVAHHHHHHHH! IT’S OVAHHHHHHHHHH!

(SFX: BELL RINGING!)

O’CONNOR: JUSTICE WINS! CAPTAIN JUSTICE WINS! THE GREAT AMERICAN SMOKEOUT BUNKHOUSE CHAMPION IS CAPTAIN JUSTICE!

H’WOOD: That…that type of irony is deeply unsettling. Kooter Johnson I could’ve gone with…this…this is DEPLORABLE.

O’CONNOR: Captain Justice is coming to his feet, arms up in victory! Teresa Quaranta, the former National Champion looked like he had it in the bag…eliminating Kelly Masters and Justice being the newcomer to NFW, but in a surprise twist….its CAPTAIN JUSTICE defeating the two well-known wrestlers in Masters and TQ! Two champions in their own rights at one point!

(CUTTO: ULTRAJIRA getting into the ring excitedly as the cage lifts off the ground, red, white and blue fireworks exploding in the rafters to cheers! JUSTICE leans against the turnbuckles, his arm up in victory as KELLY MASTERS is in the background on one knee, blood dripping to the mat and his face staring at the canvas bitterly. CUTTO: TERESA QUARANA lying on her back, her face shocked and her eyes barely blinking…)

H’WOOD: If my son has to wrestle these freaks, I’m going to be very, very upset with Masters and Quaranta. I don’t care if she’d look good in more leather.

O’CONNOR: With the way your son’s career is going with our President, they could be the least of your worries…

(FADEOUT.)

CUTTO: Somewhere in the backstage, on my New Frontier Wrestling TV Championship belt, encircling a replica of my Impulse mask. I'm sure, watching this on television, there's cheering fans.

But never, ever take the cheers for granted.

"Two years ago, I stepped into New Frontier Wrestling for the first time. I was wearing a mask, and handled my business completely anonymously. I was the ultimate wrestler: no past, no name, no connections to anything."

The Messenger Is Not Important.

"It was liberating. I could say anything, I could do anything, and the only thing my opponents could trace to was a mask and a voice. Wrestling's Unknown Warrior. I was able to get some experience under my belt and create a legacy that was wholly unique in professional wrestling at the time, and, I would wager it still is."

"Until my sometimes tag team partner Rook Black told me the truth - that the message is what matters, but only when the messenger can be heard."

And I picked up the camera and swung it around. This time, I did hear the cheers. I also think, and this might be not entirely accurate, that this is the first time I've faced the camera in a self - shot promo, ever.

"The Sears Tower match for the vacant Television Championship was the perfect moment for me. In one night, I took every match from the year prior, every moment, every doubt, every win, every loss, every Reality Check and every pair of Clown Shoes... distilled into the moment when the entire wrestling world was watching me."

"And then I turned it around again and ended my anonymity, reminding the wrestling world in spades that the messenger was not important."

Deep breath.

"That was the right thing to do... but the cost was more than I expected."

Now there was intrigue. Now, there was doubt.

"Before... the stakes were simple. I win, or I lose. Anyone I faced from across the ring, the worst they could do was beat me. None of them could pause my career, end my career, or do anything to take my head out of the game."

Pan left, and into view...

"Until Castor Strife attacked this woman."

...my girl, Rosie. She stared down the barrel of the camera from behind rose - colored glasses. Literally.

"Congratulations, Castor, you're the first person in the history of my career to actually make me angry. And when we're finished out there... not a soul in sight will be crazy enough to try to be second."

And static.

There's nothing left but consummation.

(CUTTO: Random cues around the ringside area. Fans having themselves a real fucking ball at tonight’s Fiftieth edition of Crash, meaning that for fifty shows, NFW has been polluting the goddamn airwaves. Among sets of fans, there were some rather drunk section of fans wearing nothing but togas that had "DANGER," one for each of the six guys taking a letter on their face. It read "DAGNER," though, since two of them were drunk and dyslexic. It’s a problem, folks. SRSLY!

On another side of the arena are sections of fans cheering for the reigning LoC Champion, Shawn Hart, with some pro-Hart signs like "Hart stole my h(e)art" and other similar slogans that drunk, horny college girls could come up with. Eventually, the camera finds its way to the announce table.)

O’CONNOR: …Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! This has been a very stellar evening thus far and the best is still yet to come! These fans are going crazy and the hits are gonna keep on coming with our next match!

H’WOOD: You got it, guys! Two of my favorite folks in all of the wrestling world! You’ve got Max Danger, who’s been called amazing, simply amazing, marvelous, simply marvelous and every word in between! He’d sell his own dead mother if it meant more gold and Shawn Hart… what else can there be said about THA HART~!

O’CONNOR: Champions collide… right now!

CUTTO: LEE "BABY" SIMS in the middle of the ring with a microphone.

SIMS: The following contest is "The All-Star Legacy Challenge Match" and is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…

CUEUP: "Tom Sawyer" by Rush

(Walking out of the entranceway with both FELICIA HART and TINY in tow is none other than the MAN himself. The reigning LoC Legacy Champion, among a whole host of other titles. Anywhere this man went, there was a buzz… there was attention. There was He.

Giving the cocksure strut the entire way down, SHAWN HART laughs at the response he receives. While he is, by large, a well-known rule breaker and a cheat who’d do anything to score the win, he appeared to be taken aback by the good response just for being here. He purses his lips and squints his eyes, scanning the crowd before climbing between the ropes.)

SIMS: From Orlando, FL, weighing in at 224 pounds… SHAWN HART!

O’CONNOR: Love him or hate him, Shawn Hart has been around the business for a long time and anywhere he goes, he commands respect.

H’WOOD: You got it! You either give him respect or he’ll break your arm trying! His fujiwara armbar has crippled more people than polio and he’s going to be looking for that against The Danger Man!

(CUEUP: "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" by Weezer)

SIMS: And his opponent…

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron plays montages of the wrestler to come. Shining Wizards, Eye Rakes, Top Rope Splashes… and gold. Lots of it. Down below, the Danger Girls start to dance around the entryway, garnering catcalls from lots of rabid males in the front row. As they continue to gyrate and dance to the tunes of Rivers Cuomo’s whiny voice, MAX DANGER enters with a gold robe just for the occasion. At his side is his personal assistant, the Happy Bunny Girl LEIGH LANDERS along with his prized student and bodyguard, BRADLEY DUNCAN.)

SIMS: From Augusta, Maine, weighing in at 225 pounds… MAX DANGGEEEEERRRRRRRR!

(CUTTO: Max Danger scanning the crowd on his own, spotting the dyslexic drunk toga fans. Smiling like he’s already won this match, Danger disrobes, getting some female – and male – catcalls of his own. Tossing it back to Landers, he motions for nothing bad to happen to it. The Danger Man turns to face Hart.)

O’CONNOR: Great calendar year for Max Danger. At one point, he was the ACW and Memphis PRO Champion, not to mention the fWo Internet Championship! Anywhere this man goes, success is sure to follow!

H’WOOD: Yeah, but my man still HAS his gold! This’ll be a good one!

(CUTTO: The bell echoes throughout the arena. And IMMEDIATELY, Max Danger goes on the attack! Tackling Shawn Hart and bringing him into the corner, The Simply Amazing Marvelous Danger Man floors him with a succession of Elbow Smashes!)

O’CONNOR: Max Danger taking a different route with this contest! Normally, we’re seeing him waiting out his opponent to make a mistake, but he’s going to fire off on all cylinders!

H’WOOD: Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that, Beanfry! WE GET SOME BLOOD!

(Danger goes back to teeing off on the LoC Legacy Champion with the Elbow Smashes, but the wily Hart manages to block a blow, reversing the predicament. Danger now finds himself on the bad end of the exchange.(

CROWD: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

O’CONNOR: And a series of chops find their mark right across the chest of Max Danger! He’s gonna light him up like the Christmas tree in Times Square!

H’WOOD: OOOOH! Did you see that right hand?! Now, Max Danger is quickly getting the hell out of dodge!

(Shawn Hart is in the ring, ready for a fight while the former multiple-time world champion is now on the outside, threatening the dastardly Hart for touching the Moneymaker. Hart responds in kind with a hard PLANCHA! And right away, Hart goes back on the attack with a volley of right hands, showing Danger up!

(Plucking the Danger Man up by his lengthy dirty blonde hair, he whips him underneath the bottom rope and follows him in with a Rolling Slingshot Senton. He does a mock bow for the fans before going into a cover.

ONE!

TW… Foot on the ropes.

O’CONNOR: Great ring presence there, Danger not exerting his energy at all,using the ropes to protect himself.

(The Great Bangbino himself throws a pair of hard European Uppercuts to the mush of the Danger Man before whipping him across the ropes. Hart follows him in, but a pair of feet catch him viciously. Running at him, he catches him in the chest with a violent John Woo Shotgun Dropkick that jettisons Hart right into the corner!

O’CONNOR: And look at him now! Just showboating for this crowd! Anytime he’s gotten the edge over Hart in this contest, he’s just been playing it up!

H’WOOD: The TRUE sign of a winner, my friend! True sign of a gracious and humble, yet awesome winner!

(As he turns his attention back to The Phenom, Shawn Hart is already back on the attack, catching him with a Bionic Elbow to the top of the head! Danger clutches at his neck, but gets no rest time as he gets his arm ripped apart by the Prime Minister of Getting’ Sinister, pulling at it with a couple of arm wringers. Danger twitches as Shawn starts going to work immediately on the arm, dropping down into a Stunner-like maneuver, hurting it in the process!

Taking Danger down with an 80’s Style Arm Drag, he segues right into a stiff-looking armbar variation, pulling back on the arm in ways not meant to go. Danger yelps in pain and tries to fight back to his feet. He hits Hart with a wild Elbow Smash from the left side, but Hart immediately rips on the arm yet again. This time, executing what looks like an Arm Dragon Screw, Danger finds himself back on the mat and in the clutches of a Cross-Arm Breaker!)

HART: TAPPITY-TAP, BITCH, TAPPITY-TAP!

(Rather than give in to his crazy proclamations to give into submission, The Danger Man rolls on his side. This was a hold he taught his best student, Bradley Duncan. Rolling forward, he rolls into a big pinfall predicament.)

ONE!

TWO!

THR… NO!

H’WOOD: Close! Great counter from Max Danger, though, falling into that pin attempt!

O’CONNOR: These two have a whole wealth of experience to pull from and we can expect to see much more to come!

(Hart rolls back to his feet and hooks Danger in a tight Hammerlock before ramming that same arm into the turnbuckle! Wrapping the arm around the rope, Hart pulls the arm back around the top cable and causes Danger to scream like a little girl. Letting go at the referee’s count at four and a half, Hart gives an eye rake to the Danger Man just for fun to keep him in the corner. Hart tries for another corner attack, but Danger is already there with the feet up to block!

Shawn Hart was a very smart man (ring wise, anyhow) and didn’t fall into the trap a second time, sliding right to the outside. Tripping him up from the outside, Danger flops to the mat. The Muff Daddy himself climbs to the top rope and leaps up in one fell swoop, looking for a Moonsault of some sort, but Danger catches him with a HARD Palm Strike right to the back, stunning him!)

H’WOOD: What a shot! The Danger Man is going to be feeling that tomorrow, Beanfry!

O’CONNOR: He sure will! Shawn Hart was trying to adjust his strategy on the fly, but Max is just as good at that game. OH! And there’s an assault the Tree of Woe! That Yakuza Kick caught Shawn Hart square in the knee!

(Untying him from the ropes, the referee orders Max to back up from his tactical assault to check on the status of Shawn Hart. He asks him if he’s okay to continue, but already the Amazing Marvelous one goes back on the assault, grabbing Shawn by the leg before HURLING him to the mat, courtesy of a Dragon Screw!)

O’CONNOR: And now Max Danger has Shawn Hart right where he wants him! Danger, once upon a time was known as the King of Submission. While he’s taken on a much more flashy style in recent years, this is textbook wrestling that we’re seeing now!

H’WOOD: That was pretty wicked and probably retribution for that earlier assault on his arm! HA! Am arm for a leg! I’m awesome!

CUTTO: Tiny and Felicia Hart at ringside, cheering for Shawn to try and get him to fight back. On the other side, Bradley Duncan remains as stoic as ever with arms folded while Leigh Landers slaps the apron, cheering on her boss.

(Danger pulls the fallen body of The Phenom to the center of the ring before throwing an impactful succession of kicks to the bad wheel. Following that, Danger rolls through with a grounded leg whip, pulling the leg back further. Hart kicks at the ground with his good leg, doing his best to try and block the onslaught of the Danger Man, who goes right back to the assault with several more stomps.)

O’CONNOR: And here’s where Danger is at his absolute best, taking advantage of a sick injury… OW! That was a nasty Shinbreaker! OW! And there goes another one!

(Catching him with a back heel trip, Danger looks out to the crowd and smirks before twisting the knee into a modified Legbar submission hold. Throwing in a few kicks for good measure, The Simply Amazing and Marvelous One goes to work, pulling and tearing away at the leg.)

FELICIA: Come on, Shawn! Get up!

(Hearing the words of his own sister getting him riled up, Hart found himself in a good position to lift up a leg and throw it right into Max’s noggin. The first shot doesn’t make him let go, but he fires off two more that stun him long enough to break free from his grip. Using the ropes to hobble back to his feet, Hart gets right back into it, popping off a pair of Knife-Edge chops. Danger returns fire with an alternating series of kicks to the rib cage.)

H’WOOD: Back to that leg! Shawn Hart needs to get out of the box and belt this chump who doesn’t even have his titles anymore!

O’CONNOR: I gotta agree with you there, Shawn took that tumble and he hasn’t been able to fight off Max!

(Setting him up between the ropes, Danger tries to pull back on the ropes, but the referee has none of it, getting right in his face. While the referee is distracted with Danger, Bradley Duncan hops on the apron and delivers a VIOLENT Headbutt right to the face of Shawn Hart, knocking Jam Master Jiggy back down to the mat. Taking full advantage, Danger climbs atop Hart and goes for the cover.)

ONE!

TWO!

THR… NO!

O’CONNOR: CLOSE! But Felicia and Tiny are out there crying foul! Well, Felicia, anyway. Tiny’s just kind of staring off into space.

H’WOOD: Or at that hot chick’s rack up in section B, seat 15!

O’CONNOR: You can see that?

H’WOOD: Dr. Tittywood, at your service! I can spot a nip a mile away!

(Back to the ring, The former King of ACW looks out to the booing crowd and scoffs at the lowly peasants. How dare they fucking boo him… except for those drunk toga fans. They liked him. They looked familiar, but The Danger Man shrugs it off. Showing off for the fans, he twirls his finger around to signal what’s next.)

H’WOOD: FIGURE-FOUR, BEANFRY! HE’S GONNA SNAP THAT LEG IN TWO!

O’CONNOR: Hart needs to find a way out!

(The Muff Daddy kicks away at the ground with his free leg, wincing in pain from the severity of the situation. Landers slaps the apron again to cheer on her cohort as he tears away viciously at the knee. Hart falls to his back where a pinfall is counted.)

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

O’CONNOR: ALMOST! Hart needs to come up with an answer for Danger’s methodical offense, otherwise he’s going to get beaten and quick!

H’WOOD: LOOK AT HIM!

(Hart manages to grab a handful of hair and throws a few fists to the face. Those don’t make the former multiple title holder let go, but the subsequent eye claw from Hart does its job.)

H’WOOD: Fighting dirty! …Actually, I can respect that .

O’CONNOR: Well, it got him loose from the Figure-Four!

Hart tries to get back up once again, but gets cut off by a Running Knee to the head from The Simply Amazing Marvelous One. Pulling away the leg again, Danger laughs the misery he’s putting Shawn Hart through…

O’CONNOR: OUCH! HART WITH A KIP-UP RIGHT INTO THE ENZUIGIRI! GREAT COUNTER!

H’WOOD: I ain’t seen a hop like that since LeBron!

HART: THAT’S RIGHT, THAT’S RIGHT! GET ALL UP ON MY JUNK!

(Appreciating the reception from the fans… well, in his own way, anyhow, Hart is back up. Knocking Danger down with a clothesline, he eggs him on to get back to his feet. A second Clothesline puts him right back on his ass. Max hurries back to his feet but Danger is right there to cut him off with a Standing Dropkick! Hart is slow to rise, still hobbling on one good leg, but that doesn’t deter him from throwing a few punches right into the face of Max, freaking him out in the process! Ducking under a wild swing from the former ACW Champion, the LoC champion swats him with a HARD German Suplex! The cover follows!)

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

O’CONNOR: Danger is on the ropes now! Shawn Hart has had it with Danger’s shenanigans!

H’WOOD: He’s getting him with some of his own!

(Hart squeals with delight when he rubs his boot laces right across the face of the Danger Man! While Danger wails about how his money-making face is being abused by this bullyish SOB, said SOB rains down a series of blows to the head as he drags him back to his feet. He tries for a Vertical Suplex, but Danger is there to cut him off at the pass with a couple of knees to the gut. Danger reverses and goes for one of his own.)

O’CONNOR: Here comes the Brianbust… NO, DOUBLE LEG ROLL-UP!

ONE!

TWO!

THR… NO!

Danger kicks forward, shooting Hart to the ropes. Hart comes back with a straight on Knee to the Face! Another cover.

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

H’WOOD: Shawn Hart’s getting his groove back, bad wheel and all!

(Riling up the crowd, The Phenom scurries to his feet and goes right back on the assault, plugging Danger with some right hands before getting him with an Inverted Atomic Drop using the good knee! Running off the ropes, Hart comes back and drives him face-first with a Bulldog! Measuring him up, The Prime Minister of Getting’ Sinister goes for another run off the ropes, but Danger cuts him off with the SHOTEI!)

H’WOOD: Wow, talk about an almighty big Japo bitchslap!

O’CONNOR: That was the Shotei, partner.

H’WOOD: Gesundheit!

ONE!

TWO!

NO!

(Danger runs two hands through his hair, wondering what the fuck exactly he would have to do to put this bastard down. Sneering out to the hateful crowd, the former King of ACW hops out to the apron and starts to ascend the top rope. Delivering a thumbs down gesture, he leaps for his double-stomp to the face, aptly entitled KISS MY FEET…)

O’CONNOR: WHAT A COUNTER! Hart got back to his feet and he dropped Danger right down into that Fujiwara Armbar!

H’WOOD: SNAP HIS ARM! NO, WAIT, DANGER GET OUT AND STOMP HIS FACE! OH, I’M SO CONFUSED!

O’CONNOR: That’s about par for your course.

(Sure enough, Danger is crying out in pain from the funny way that his arm is being bent. Hart is reveling in every moment of his opponent’s agony, twisting back on the arm even further to increase the amount of pain inflicted. Scurrying towards the ropes, Danger does his best to try and free himself form the submission. Each second that passes puts incredible pressure on the arm and shoulder. Slowly but surely, he starts getting to the ropes as the referee checks and readies himself for any signs of a tap out. Danger is close…)

H’WOOD: And there’s darling sister to the rescue!

O’CONNOR: She’s pulling on the ropes! Danger was right there and he’s pulling the ropes away!

Tiny and Felicia Hart chuckled at Danger’s misery, but the referee spotted it out of the corner of his eye. Reprimanding both members of Shawn Hart’s Entourage for their interference, he gets distracted…

O’CONNOR: AND BRADLEY DUNCAN HAS HAD ENOUGH!

H’WOOD: BIG TARD FIGHT!

(Duncan manages to take down the massive Tiny with a vicious SPEAR that had the crowd on their feet for the two big bulls fighting! Leigh Landers looks on in horror as her ex-boyfriend gets into it, exchanging Elbow Smashes for fists with the big off that Hart passed off as his bodyguard. Danger was close to getting back to his feet, but the referee remains distracted from the fight on the outside. )

O’CONNOR: Look at Hart! Where the hell did he get those brass knuckles?

H’WOOD: A gift from little sister, it seems!

(Sure enough, Hart was cocked and ready to fire off on Danger, punching his head right into the next zip code as the pained Danger Man cradled his sore arm. Hart turns around and fires…)

H’WOOD: MISS!

O’CONNOR: DANGEROUS THREE! THE BRASS KNUCKLES MISSED, BUT THE ROARING ELBOW SURE DIDN’T!

But the impact was a little more than normal, it seemed. Danger removed a specialized small, but very thick black elbow pad and it appears that Hart was blasted right into unconsciousness.

O’CONNOR: Wait… I THINK DANGER JUST HAD A LOADED ELBOW PAD! HE OUTCHEATED HART!

H’WOOD: BOOYAKA!

(Danger falls on top of Hart as the referee finally turns around. The crowd starts ROARING! CUTTO: ALIAS tearing down the entrance ramp, the crowd jumping up and down crazily!)

O’CONNOR: That’s…THAT’S ALIAS! CHRISTOPHER SHEFFIELD’S RETURNED…FOR EVEN MORE ACTION! HE’S GOT SOME HISTORY WITH BOTH MEN, BUT DANGER FOR SURE! Why’s he here…I don’t know, but is he in time to stop this!?

ONE!

TWO!

THR— (CROWD EXPLOSION!)

H’WOOD: Oh sweet mercy.

(CUTTO: ALIAS holding the ref’s hand from hitting the mat a third time! CUTTO: EDDIE MAYFIELD not looking happy in his office… QUICK CUTTO: ALIAS explaining the loaded elbow as MAX DANGER springs to his feet and argues! The ref signals for the match to restart, which DANGER nearly erupts over! ALIAS and DANGER get in each other’s face as the referee tries to separate them…HART comes out nowhere with a rollup and hook of the tights!)

O’CONNOR: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

ONE!

TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THRRRRRRRRRRR—

O’CONNOR: Alias just pulled off Hart! He’s also taken his brass knuckles! He’s not letting this end with a dirty finish, but I don’t think he’s helping the issue either!

H’WOOD: It’s a lost cause! LET THEM CHEAT! LET THEM CHEAT!

(CLOSEUP: HART spitting, frothing and screaming at ALIAS who’s motioning about the pull of the tights. An enraged HART looks at his previously knuckled hand and then suddenly slaps ALIAS across the face, which gets him a headbutt to the nose right in return! HART staggers into a small package! DANGER tries to hook the tights, but ALIAS stops him from doing so!)

ONE!

TWOOOOOOOOOOOO!

…

THREE! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(SFX: The bell ringing!)

O’CONNOR: WELL, IT TOOK SOME CRAZY FIGHTING…another "APPEARANCE" by ALIAS out of nowehere! But… IN THE FRAY, BUT DANGER GOT THE DUKE IN THIS ALL-STAR LEGACY CHALLENGE! WHAT A HUGE WIN FOR THE FORMER MULTIPLE-TIME CHAMPION!

H’WOOD: THEY DIDN’T PLAY CLEAN THAT MUCH AND THAT’S MY KIND OF MATCH, BEANFRY! You can clap for them, I approve it.

(FADEOUT to Danger as he quickly gets the hell out of the ring, dodging garbage from the fans as he runs out of there with Leigh Landers and shortly, Bradley Duncan.)

O’CONNOR: FANTASTIC MATCH! But folks, we’ve got MUCH more still to come! STAY TUNED!

(FADEIN: Camera finds an unusual sight sitting front row: a YANKEES fan with prime seats at the TD Garden for Crash 50! He’s decked out in an A-Rod jersey, sideways red Yankees hat, gaudy silver Yankees necklace, fake World Series rings, and velcro Yankees shoes. He's mouthing "Yankees yo! WORLD CHAMPIONS! TWENTY-SEVEN!" and "YOU GOT SWEPT! SWEPT!" to the camera, until suddenly A FIST comes flying out of nowhere to deck him. The culprit is a rowdy, unshaven, generally unclean Bostonite, looking quite drunk and rose cheeked. Obviously, he is a shanty Irishman from Southie. In the background, we hear another fan yelling: "GET HIM MO! SLAP HIS FAWKIN TEETH OUT! THAT'S MO FAWKIN GILMORE! MO GILMORE FROM MY NEIGHBAHOOD! PUTCHA FIST THROW HIS FAWKIN STEINBRENNAH DICK SAWKIN’ TEETH MO! DO WOOOBUN PROUD!")

(QUICK CUTTO: O’Connor and Hollywood at the announcer’s table)

O’CONNOR: We uh, apologize to the folks at home for what you just saw and heard. Live TV…

H’WOOD: You gonna apologize after every JTP promo too, O’Connor? These are your people Beanbag, that might’ve been your cousin!

O’CONNOR: I assure you, I have no connection to that man, and don’t know anybody from Woburn, as it’s pronounced.

H’WOOD: Look at you, using ‘R’s and everything. You ashamed of your roots?

O’CONNOR: Anyway, we’ve got the TV title match coming up, and this one’s hot. What started out as an obsession quickly became a blood feud, and now the champion IMPULSE is faced with the biggest challenge of his young career. Take a look…

(FADEIN: Sniper scope view of IMPULSE between the crosshairs, fighting tooth and nail in the Sears Tower Match as heavy breathing can be heard in the background)

V/O: "But how far do you go, Impulse? How much of you breaks off until you’re left a ghost in the twilight of forgotten victories?"

(CUEUP: "Come to Daddy" by Aphex Twin)

(CUTTO: Gray strobe light flashing on the face of CASTOR V. STRIFE, looking dead straight into the camera with a maniacal half-smile)

(FLASH CUTTO: Impulse dropkicking Castor’s knees out; hitting Castor with a double-underhook facebuster; landing a tornado DDT)

IMPULSE V/O: "That’s the difference between you and me, Castor. You aren’t looking for a challenge. You aren’t trying to test and expand your limits."

(CUTTO: Castor wearing his gas mask in the middle of the ring, holding a flamethrower to the sky)

IMPULSE V/O: "Everything about you - everything around you - …"

(FLASH CUTTO: Castor seated, Blanche standing behind him; flash to Castor holding the Impulse mask; flash to him putting it on; flash to him wearing it)

IMPULSE V/O: "…is a shrill screech of overcompensation."

(CUTTO: Castor’s face light up by the gray strobe light- he’s mouthing something and smiling at the camera)

CASTOR V/O: "It had to be this way, Impulse. Their hero falls, and does not get up. Kryptonite glitter showers the ring. Superman DIES."

(CUTTO: Impulse standing in the ring amongst an empty arena, wearing the NFW TV Title around his waist. The camera rotates around him as the arena backdrop changes to a sold out crowd, then the ring crew cleaning up, back to a sold out crowd again, etc.)

IMPULSE V/O: "You can’t hurt me. You won’t disillusion me."

(CUTTO: The event and date appears on the bottom of the screen- Crash 49, June 13, 2009. Castor is on the ground, having just been dropped with a jawbreaker, while Impulse stands above him. He goes to run off the ropes, but Starshooter is at ringside with a baseball bat)

O’CONNOR: CASTOR’S LEANED OVER, READY TO COLLAPSE! IMPULSE TAKING NO CHANCES…HE RUNS OFF THE ROPES AND…

(SFX: "SMACK!")

O’CONNOR: NO! NO! DAMN IT, NO!

H’WOOD: YES! YESSSS! SAY IT IS SO!

O’CONNOR: STARSHOOTER BATTED IMPULSE IN THE BACK OF THE LEG AS HE CAME RUNNING OFF THE ROPES! RIGHT IN THE HAMSTRING! IMPULSE IS DOWN! TELL ME HE CAN STILL WALK…

(CUTTO: Castor has Impulse locked in the Euthanasian Torture Hug, a sleeper hold from Camel Clutch positioning. Impulse is bleeding from the mouth, eyes rolling back into his head as his flailing arms become sluggish. Rosie can be heard screaming from the outside, "RANDALL! STOP THE MATCH!")

O’CONNOR: No, it can’t end like this! We all saw what happened in that ring…NO!...NO!

H’WOOD: HE’S OUT, BEANFRY! HE’S OUT!

O’CONNOR: IS HE OUT?! HERPIN CHECKS IMPULSE…HE’S OUT! IMPULSE HAS PASSED OUT…BUT DID NOT TAP! HE NEVER TAPPED, DAMN IT! AND BOLD NEW DISASTER WINS THIS ONE IN UGLY FASHION! THIS PLACE IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE! THEY’RE CALLING FOR THE HEAD OF CASTOR V. STRIFE!

(SFX: BELL RINGS. CROWD is going NUTS! BOOING, YELLING, SCREAMING)

(CUTTO: Gray strobe light flashing over Impulse wearing his mask; flash to him without the mask; flash to Castor standing there smiling; flash to Castor bringing a mini film-reel camera up to his eye)

IMPULSE V/O: "I'll do anything to win a match fair, Castor... because I can. I am, by far, the single greatest wrestler in New Frontier Wrestling. I'll do anything to win a match fair, Castor..."

(CUTTO: Impulse hitting Problem Child with the Sudden Impact superkick)

IMPULSE V/O: "…because in a morally ambiguous society; in a wrestling promotion that is consistently and unfairly referred to as the most out there, off - the - wall in existence, the only thing that I know I can always fall back on is my personal integrity."

(FLASH CUTTO: September, NFW Brawl- Castor shoves Rosie into the third row; flash to Impulse sliding out of the ring and hammering Castor with lefts and rights; flash to paramedics attending to Rosie, who is having a serious asthma attack; flash to Impulse crouched over her body, directing people out the way so she can be helped; flash to Castor, back leaned up against the ring apron and bleeding from the mouth down to the chin, watching and smiling)

CASTOR V/O: "Hello Impulse, it’s me again."

(CUTTO: Castor has Impulse in the corner, stomping his chest repeatedly)

"It had to be this way, Impulse."

(CUTTO: Impulse hits Castor with an inverted neckbreaker)

"I had to build you up to tear you down…"

(CUTTO: Castor with a DIRECTOR’S CUT on Impulse; he kicks out!)

"…because in order to love me they had to love you first."

(CUTTO: Impulse leaps up to catch Castor with a flying armbar)

"Why should you matter? Why should YOU be champion?"

(CUTTO: Impulse trapped in the Euthanasian Torture Hug)

"Here at Castor V. Strife Productions, we define reality for a larger audience. People and their fickle whims are of no consequence to us. You say we’d be nothing without them? HA! And what would they be without ME?

(CUTTO: High Flyer unmasking Impulse; Impulse holding up the TV Title)

IMPULSE V/O: "You wondered what would be my limit, Castor? At what point would I cry out 'No more!' and declare that the NFW Television Championship wasn't worth the gauntlet you were running me through?"

(FLASH CUTTO: Impulse superkicking one opponent; flash to superkicking another; flash to spinwheel kicking Castor; flash to stand alongside Rook Black, both men holding their respective titles; flash to Impulse holding up his TV Title in victory)

"I wrestle…without limits."

(Music stops abruptly)

(CUTTO: Gray strobe lights flashing over Castor who is again looking directly into the camera. We hear nothing but the sound of breathing and a heartbeat. Castor speaks in an echo…)

CASTOR V/O: "From Hollywood with love…"

(FADEOUT)

(FADEIN: LIVE! A dark TD Garden arena, save for white mist-light shining directly out of the entranceway. The sounds of a running projection reel are heard throughout the building while the FRONTIERtron features a black and white countdown from circled numbers, starting from ‘3…2…1…’)

(CUEUP: "Venus in Furs" by The Velvet Underground. Two spotlights flicker around the entrance before joining to follow CASTOR V. STRIFE, who walks out onto the ramp wearing a black gasmask. His robe is long, black, and shimmering, hanging over his white wrestling tights featuring black lines indented like claw marks trailing down the pant legs and fading just below the knees. He raises his arms in Christ-pose and circles for the booing crowd, while his entourage follows behind. BLANCHE BARNETT, the blue-eyed brunette, age nineteen with a Hollywood dream; she enters wearing a white strapless sweat pea top with a black skirt and matching Roman sandles, plus a sizeable camera strapped to one hand. She aims it at Castor. Lurking behind is STARSHOOTER, the Afro-Asian assassin in the Dead Presidents-inspired facepaint; his head is covered by a black hood, and he carries an aluminum Easton bat against his shoulder)

O’CONNOR: The challenger, Castor Strife, looking to mark his return to singles action with a win here over the TV champ. He was teaming with Problem Child, and together as the Bold New Disaster they went undefeated for a stretch, culminating in a controversial win over RookPulse at Crash 49.

H’WOOD: Yeah, "controversial." Castor made Impulse QUIT, what’s controversial about that?

O’CONNOR: Well you were sitting right next to me when Impulse passed out from the pain REFUSING to quit! And let’s just put our cards on the table here, Lamont, and say that Impulse was clearly on his way to a victory when he was brutalized with that Easton bat Starshooter’s carrying around.

H’WOOD: FIRST OFF, it was a Louisville Slugger, so get your facts straight. And it’s Castor who’s gonna be layin’ down the cards tonight Beanfry, layin’ down the ace of spades and the five of clubs on Impulse’s ass before taking his title!

(CUEUP: "Revolution Baby" by Queen V followed by an immediate POP!)

O’CONNOR: Speaking of the champion, HERE HE COMES!

(FRONTIERtron: REV-O-LU-TION-BABY! flashes on the screen, then scenes featuring IMPULSE superkicking opponent after opponent, following with High Flyer unmasking him, ending with him raising up the NFW TV Title!)

(CUTTO: The entrance ramp, where IMPULSE walks out coolly with the NFW TV belt slung over his shoulder. In a rare show of intensity, he jolts his fist against the air three times before raising it up to a big reaction. His face tells of a man focused like never before in his career. Walking down the aisle, we get a full view of his t-shirt: a black/white image of his own taped fist with "JFZ written on it, and a caption underneath which reads, "MAKE YOUR OWN REVOLUTION." ROSIE walks out behind him, holding his leather jacket and unable to hide a little smirk; her subtle way of saying "HOLY SH*T THIS PLACE IS HUGE." On his way down the ramp, Impulse alters between the left and right aisles to slap hands)

O’CONNOR: …and Impulse is looking ready; I don’t think we’ve ever seen him this motivated! Not that he isn’t normally, but tonight he’ll have to be A-PLUS to defeat not only Castor, but his entourage as well.

H’WOOD: Castor’s smart for wearing that gas mask, especially here in Boston. I have it on good word there’s a batch of H1N1 carriers in this building.

O’CONNOR: Oh do you?

H’WOOD: Yes, and not only H1N1, but also R2D2, C3PO, J5, and H20.

O’CONNOR: It’s sad the way the public school system has failed you. Let’s take it over to LEE ‘BABY’ SIMS!

(SFX: Bell rings)

SIMS: The following contest is set for ONE FALL and is for N-F-W WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP! INTRODUCING FIRST! …to my right…

(CUTTO: CASTOR in his corner with one foot up on the second rope, gas mask removed, while STARSHOOTER hangs over the ropes and BLANCHE stands next to Castor with her arms folded)

SIMS: …he stands SIX FOOT THREE weighing in at just over TWO HUNDRED and SIXTY POUNDS! He is the esteemed owner of CASTOR V. STRIFE PRODUCTIONS, and former CHAIRMAN of NFW EAST!

H’WOOD: …and he’s PROUD of that?!

SIMS: …some call him the GOD OF SNUFF, others call the police. Being accompanied tonight by STARSHOOTER and the ‘QUEEN OF THE TRAILER PARK’ BLANCHE BARNETT! HE COMES TO US FROM HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA! Ladies and Gentlemen, THE CHALLENGER! CASSSSSTOOOOORRRRR VEEEEEEEEEE STRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYFFFFEEEEE!

(CASTOR raises one arm while staring at IMPULSE from across the way, to a thunder of BOOS!)

SIMS: His opponent, THE CHAMPION!

(LOUD CHEERS! IMPULSE stands in his corner with ROSIE behind the ropes, one hand holding his TV title close to the ground while he looks over at his challenger)

SIMS: He stands FIVE FOOT ELEVEN weighing in at ONE HUNDRED, EIGHTY-EIGHT POUNDS! Tonight he is accompanied by CALICO ROSE! HE IS THE REEEIIIIGNING AND DEFFFFFENDING N-F-W…WORLD!...TELEVISION!...CHAMPION! He may be from DA BRONX, but please, put your hands together for THE MARATHON MAN! THE TEE-VEE CHAMPION! HEEEE…IZZZZZ…IIIIIIIIIIMMMPUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLSSSEEE!

(The crowd goes nuts as IMPULSE turns to hand his title to ROSIE before throwing up an arm to the fans)

O’CONNOR: And we are SET TO GO for the TV Title at Crash 50! The two men circle, Impulse obviously the lighter on his fight, but you can’t ignore the pure athleticism of Castor V. Strife…who locks up with Impulse and powers him over to the ropes! Referee counting…and Castor breaks the hold.

(CASTOR breaks away but SLAPS Impulse across the face as he does!)

H’WOOD: That’s it! Slap the taste out of his mouth!

O’CONNOR: The fans don’t like it, but we continue with the action. Another hook up, but this time Impulse drops to his knees and brings Castor over with a one-arm shoulder throw! In Judo they call that the Ippon Seotoshi I believe, and Impulse has Castor in an armlock now.

(IMPULSE stands up, brings his hand down to SLAP Castor’s face in retaliation, and immediately throws a fist up to the crowd- CHEERS!)

O’CONNOR: And look at that! Some gamesmanship on display from Impulse, and the crowd’s eating it up.

H’WOOD: Bush league, O’Connor. Total bush league!

O’CONNOR: Castor’s up and circling Impulse, and he goes right for the knee followed by an elbow! The powerful Castor Strife just TOSSES Impulse into the turnbuckles and works his knee some more! And if you think back to Crash 49, this was actually the tactic Impulse took in wearing Castor down from the bottom up.

H’WOOD: He’s sending a message Beanfry: Impulse has no way to victory. Castor’s gonna pick him the hell apart.

O’CONNOR: Castor has Impulse on the second rope now…SNAP SUPLEX! Right into a pin…ONE…TWO…only two!

(CASTOR gets right up, grabs Impulse by the back of the head, and tosses him to the outside of the ring)

O’CONNOR: Impulse on the outside padding, and WHOA! Look out!

H’WOOD: Yeah, yeah! Pull each other’s hair!

O’CONNOR: Blanche was making her way to Impulse, but Rosie got there first and isn’t allowing anybody near the champion. Doesn’t look like anything’s gonna come of it; Blanche makes a gesture at Rosie and walks away.

(FANS: "YOU’RE-A-WHORE! YOU’RE-A-WHORE!")

H’WOOD: Get a load of these fans. This is why beautiful women like Blanche don’t frequent the Boston area. ‘Cause if they did, they’d get called a whore, told to show the goods, and then pelted with ice and loose change when they did.

O’CONNOR: Impulse back in the ring, gets Irish whipped, but comes back around with a tornado DDT! Perhaps not enough to keep him down, ‘cause Castor’s already to one knee. But here comes Impulse off the ropes with a ROLLING NECK SNAP!

H’WOOD: That oughtta give him some serious whiplash!

(SPLIT SCREEN LEFT: IMPULSE running off the ropes to deliver a rolling neck snap with some SERIOUS momentum, followed by the crowd yelling ‘OOOOOOH!’)

O’CONNOR: I don’t believe I’ve seen that move executed with such momentum and force, and now Castor Strife is very slow to his feet. Impulse off the ropes AGAIN- this time baseball sliding into Castor’s knees, putting him into guard, grabs the wrist and arm, and sweeps him into a mounted kimura! Castor’s reaching for the ropes with his free arm, but he’s way off! Submission excellence on display from the champion!

H’WOOD: Yeah it looked fancy, but big deal. Impulse is 175 pounds soaking wet, I don’t give a crap WHAT Sims says- and a guy that small ain’t gonna hold Castor’s shoulder in that position for long. We’re talking about an almost 80 pound difference here.

O’CONNOR: Nevertheless, Castor’s still caught. Impulse now transitions it to a full armbar, but Castor was ready…he doesn’t quite have it…transitions to an omaplata! He’s got his leg over Castor’s shoulder, trying to separate the joint, but Castor rolls forward and out of it! Now he’s got Impulse’s legs, MUSCLES HIM UP IN THERE! SIT OUT POWERBOMB! ONE…TWOOO…TWO COUNT!

H’WOOD: Now THAT’S what I call excellence, O’Connor! You see that? Perfect counter and he finishes with a power move. If he had a little more height on that slam, it might’ve been over!

O’CONNOR: Castor has Impulse in the corner now, working him kicks to the midsection followed by a BIG KNEE! He whips him into the turnbuckles now…Castor charges forward, but Impulse lifts his legs up and rolls up Castor with the sunset flip! ONE…TWOOO…Castor reverses! Picks him up for another slam, AND ANOTHER SUNSET FLIP! OOOOONE…TWOOOOO…THR-NO! Castor right back up! Impulse stays on the ground and rolls into Castor’s leg for the knee bar!

H’WOOD: He’s got the ropes, damn it! Break the hold!

O’CONNOR: Indeed the referee does break it, and both men are up now.

(FANS CLAP, TURN TO CHANTS OF ‘IM-PULSE! IM-PULSE!’)

O’CONNOR: Impulse has the arena on its feet! They hook up and Impulse waist no time getting the hammerlock in.

(CASTOR throws an elbow but Impulse ducks, turns Castor to face him, and executes a belly-to-belly!)

O’CONNOR: NICE suplex from Impulse, and he barely got Castor over! Some real explosiveness shown there by the lighter man, and now he’s climbing the turnbuckle! OOOH! Perhaps a bit premature- Castor got there quick and kicked the second turnbuckle, and now Impulse is vulnerable.

H’WOOD: Veteran play, Beanfry. Remember, Castor’s been in this game for a lot of years; he’s not making those rookie mistakes like what’s-his-name.

O’CONNOR: You mean the champion?

H’WOOD: Yeah, that guy.

(CASTOR lifts Impulse off the turnbuckle and into a fireman’s carry position. However, Impulse begins to swing the momentum backwards, attempting to get the roll-up pin)

O’CONNOR: Look at this! Impulse is driving Castor backwards, and I’m not sure the Hollywood native can keep him on his shoulders. Castor goes with the momentum, and quickly backs into the ropes, dumping Impulse to the outside!

H’WOOD: ANOTHER brilliant move! What’d I tell ya?

O’CONNOR: Blanche stalks her way over to Impulse…

(SFX: WHACK!)

O’CONNOR: Oh, COME ON! Did you see that? Blanche just kicked Impulse in the face while he was down! And now Rosie comes over and shoves Blanche away!

(Crowd ‘OOOOOHs’ as Blanche slaps Rosie across the face. Rosie stays motionless as Blanche winds up to slap her even harder- this time ducking the slap and suplexing Blanche!)

O’CONNOR: ROSIE TAKES BLANCHE DOWN! AND NOW BLANCHE ROLLS ON TOP OF ROSIE THROWING PUNCHES! ROSIE ROLLS BACK ON TOP!

H’WOOD: THIS IS WHAT I CAME TO SEE! Come on Rosie, do us all a public service and cause Blanche to spill out of her top!

O’CONNOR: Here comes Impulse to break it up- he does. Trying to separate the two women now- OOOOH MY! CASTOR CAME RUNNING FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKED IMPULSE HEAD-FIRST INTO THE GUARD RAIL!

(RANDOM FAN: "HE’S GONNA NEED A BODY-BAG! YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEEEEEEEEE!")

H’WOOD: Does the Cobra Kai have a Boston chapter?

O’CONNOR: That one I’m not sure about, but Castor Strife is most definitely "sweeping the leg" if you get my reference. Referee’s count is at FIVE as the challenger climbs back into the ring. Wait a minute, now Blanche is up on the apron complaining to the referee, pointing at Rosie.

H’WOOD: I think she wants her thrown out of the match, and quite frankly I don’t blame her! Did you see the assault job she just pulled on poor Blanche?

O’CONNOR: Referee Scott Speranza trying to calm a screeching Blanche Barnett. Impulse is reaching for the apron- hold on, Starshooter’s behind him…TURN AROUND, SPERANZA!

(SFX: SMACK!)

O’CONNOR: IMPULSE JUST GOT WHACKED IN THE BACK WITH A CHAIR! Starshooter tosses it into the crowd, and Speranza continues the count with Impulse out of commission!

H’WOOD: Gotta blame the ref for that one…he was too busy ogling Castor’s valet.

O’CONNOR: Rosie’s backing Starshooter off Impulse, reading him the riot act. Castor looking impatient in the corner…HUH?

(SFX: BELL RINGS)

O’CONNOR: What the hell is going on here?! Did he…?

H’WOOD: Countout- Impulse took the coward’s way out! He could have got up, but he chose to pancake it instead!

O’CONNOR: Clearly the interference cost Impulse a few seconds, and apparently this match is over. They’re giving it to Castor!

(STARSHOOTER slides into the ring and throws CASTOR’s hand up in victory! CASTOR, looking annoyed, immediately rips his arm away, while BLANCHE shoves STARSHOOTER and yells something at him. CASTOR mouths something to the extent "You were SUPPOSED TO roll him back into the ring!" The crowd erupts with BOOS!)

SIMS: Here is your winner, via COUNT-OUT…CASTOOOOOOOOR VEEEEEEEEEE STRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYFFFF!

(CUEUP: "Venus in Furs" by The Velvet Underground)

(IMPULSE is still a bit shaken, not quite sure what’s going on, although ROSIE explains it to him. Looking somewhat dejected, IMPULSE takes his belt from the timekeeper and heads up the ramp. In the ring, CASTOR grabs the mic from SIMS)

CASTOR: JUST A MINUTE…

O’CONNOR: Apparently Castor’s not happy with the outcome, and now he’s on the mic.

H’WOOD: Do you blame him? He just got shiv’d out of the Television title! That was BS, you saw it O’Connor!

CASTOR: STOP THE MUSIC! Your not night’s not over yet, Impulse- LOOK AT ME!

(IMPULSE stops halfway up the ramp, TV title over one shoulder, and turns around)

CASTOR: Its real simple- a ten count doesn’t make me champion of all world television…and I CAME HERE to be champion…of ALL-WORLD-TELEVISION. (BOOS) First, I must be the bigger man and apologize to you and all these simple yet noble people (LOUDER BOOS)…for the actions of my entourage. I’m SORRY he hit you with a chair, but I assure you he did so against my orders. You came here to end our little dispute- so END IT. Come back to the ring, and let us restart the match; unless you’re content retaining by default!

(FANS: MIXED CHEERS AND CHANTS OF "IM-PULSE! IM-PULSE!")

(IMPULSE nods his head, looking almost relieved to be able to finish the match, hands his belt to ROSIE and immediately slides back into the ring- only to be met with stomps to the head from CASTOR)

O’CONNOR: Fans, I don’t know what to say- I believe this might be a first in NFW history, but here we go! Castor wasting no time getting back to work on Impulse, and finishes his stomps by dropping an elbow on the back of the champion’s neck!

H’WOOD: PERFECT gamesmanship on the part of Castor Strife, and in my mind confirms Impulse’s lack of intelligence. He should have got out while he had the chance, but now he’s gonna go down as the first NFW titleholder to get beat TWICE in one match!

O’CONNOR: Castor has Impulse up for a HIGH atomic drop- Impulse grabs the neck…INVERTED NECKBREAKER! Nice reversal there, Castor committed his momentum too late. Impulse up with Castor now, twisting his arm into a standing armbar and now takes him down face-first into the mat with a forward sweep. He’s just WRENCHING the arm of Castor Strife, the latter man smacking his toes against the canvas in pain.

H’WOOD: Somebody either get Impulse’s townie girlfriend out of here, or damn it…GET ME SOME BEER GOGGLES!

O’CONNOR: Impulse drops a standing senton, and ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! He pumps his fist to the crowd, and Boston is FIRED UP! (Cheers!)

H’WOOD: Gotta love the unwashed masses, Beanbag.

O’CONNOR: Impulse is clearly controlling the tempo of this championship match, as he climbs the turnbuckles. Here we go! MOONSAU- wait a second, Castor catches him, mid-air. OVER-THE-SHOULDER REVERSE PILEDRIVER! He just SPIKED Impulse’s head to the mat! ONE…TWOOOO…SHOULDER’S UP! And just barely!

H’WOOD: I can give myself a left-handed rub faster than Speranza made that count.

O’CONNOR: That was the momentum swing the challenger needed, and boy did he ever with this crowd FIRMLY behind the champion. He’s got his boot to Impulse’s throat, holding him in the corner. Referee counting ‘till he breaks the hold- he does, and comes RIGHT BACK with a standing spinning heel kick to Impulse’s jaw! (CASTOR gestures like he’s flicking dust off his shoulder to a chorus of BOOS)

H’WOOD: This is your Waterloo, Randall Knox!

O’CONNOR: Impulse is slow to get up and out of the corner, but Castor waits him out. Setting him up for a big superkick here…MISSES…IMPULSE…SUDDEN IMPACT! (Fans ERUPT into boos when STARSHOOTER pulls CASTOR out of the ring!) Oh COME ON, enough’s a enough! How many times are they gonna bail him out?

H’WOOD: The bailout’s working for Castor Strife like it did for AIG; way to stay current, Mr. Director!

O’CONNOR: That was just poor. But now Impulse is on the outside, and he’s giving chase to Starshooter!

H’WOOD: Starshooter’s Afro-Asian, but I sure as hell hope he doesn’t run like his Asian half. Pump your arms, ‘shooter!

O’CONNOR: Too late, Impulse horse collars him backwards! (CHEERS!) Aaand he tosses him over the railing and into the crowd! Rosie’s blocking off Blanche, she can’t get to him. Impulse goes right back over to Castor and rolls him into the ring.

H’WOOD: Rosie’s outside interference has turned this title bout into a MOCKERY, I tell you! A damn mockery!

O’CONNOR: Castor’s still down, this time in the ring! Impulse is up on the turnbuckles…FLYING LEG DROP! He hooks the leg! OOOOONE! TWOOOO! THREE-HE-NO! NO! NO? Well, apparently no, Castor had the shoulder up. And I tell ya, these fans are turning quickly on Referee Speranza- they did NOT like that call.

H’WOOD: Oh who GIVES a crap? If I was interested in the opinion of a bunch of unwashed savages, I’d call up a group of PTA moms and say, "Hey, what’s your opinion?"

O’CONNOR: The challenger’s in trouble here, still reeling from the superkick that might have put him away if not for the interference of Starshooter. Here’s Impulse now with the Irish whip to the turnbuckles, and Castor ricochets HARD off his chest! Stumbling backwards into Impulse whose got him set up for a neckbreaker! NO! HE’S…THAT’S…

(IMPULSE kicks out Castor’s legs from behind the knees, and as he falls Impulse rears back on the jaw, bending his opponent’s spine like a bow)

H’WOOD: SPIT IT OUT!

O’CONNOR: YES, IT IS! THE MESSAGE! IMPULSE HAS CASTOR LOCKED IN THE MESSAGE!

H’WOOD: WELL FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, SOMEBODY GET HIM OUT!

O’CONNOR: Rosie’s got Blanche by the hair, pulling her away from the ropes! Starshooter’s staying back…CASTOR’S ALL ALONE IN THAT RING! His spine is bending like a spoon!

(CASTOR’s muffled cries for help are to no avail as Impulse pulls back on his jaw. He tries to power out and roll, but he can’t. Finally, he gets one leg out, which allows him to roll on his stomach. Impulse however keeps his jaw locked up and simply uses his heels to pin the back of Castor’s knees, fully inverting the hold)

H’WOOD: HOLY HELL, IS THAT HOLD EVEN LEGAL?

O’CONNOR: Impulse has The Message locked on inverted, and the prospects of escape are looking even direr for the challenger! This could end the match! Castor’s reaching for the ropes, his fingertips SO CLOSE!

H’WOOD: Stretch man, STRETCH! Wait, I think his fingernail is on the rope!

O’CONNOR: He’s reaching…REACHING…his hand drops but Castor’s still reaching! He’s not gonna get it!

(SFX: BELL RINGS!)

H’WOOD: Is it over?!

O’CONNOR: YES, THEY’RE SAYING HE TAPPED! IMPULSE RETAINS!

H’WOOD: How could that be? I didn’t see a tap!

(SLO-MO REPLAY: CASTOR reaching for the ropes, hand dropping to the mat, reaching again, this time the pace quickening; it looks like a tap)

O’CONNOR: I believe it came here, the point at which he was no longer reaching but TAPPING. Gotta be honest here folks, it doesn’t look like the standard quick tap, but there’s no doubt in my mind at least that Castor Strife tapped out.

H’WOOD: Come on Beanfry, you’re worse than Joe Buck! Castor was TRYING to get to the ropes, but apparently the referee is a charter member of the Impulse fanclub and was looking to build up frequent flyer miles by riding on his nuts.

O’CONNOR: And now Castor’s disputing the call, claiming as you did that he was reaching for the ropes. Impulse is actually saying Castor verbally submitted as well, but I’m not sure that’s under consideration. Here comes Head Referee Greg Herpin from the back…

H’WOOD: This is why we need instant replay!

O’CONNOR: No, this is why we need athletes who admit when they’ve lost and take their lumps like everybody else.

H’WOOD: You teach your kids that crap too, O’Connor? I bet you tell your son his little league team didn’t really lose as long as they had fun. See, me…I actually taught my son to ALWAYS dispute the call, ALWAYS play rough, and ALWAYS run up the score!

O’CONNOR: Really? Blaine? I never would have guessed.

(Herpin and Speranza confer for a few more seconds before they agree and Speranza signals for the bell again. Impulse raises his arms in victory and Castor IMMEDIATELY kicks the ropes and gets in Speranza’s face to scream)

SIMS: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH…AND STIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL (LOUD POP!) NFW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPIOOOOOOOOOOONNN! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMPPPPUUUUUUUUULLLLLLSSSSSSEEEEEE!

(CUEUP: "Revolution Baby" by Queen V)

O’CONNOR: The calls stands- IMPULSE WINS!

H’WOOD: The fix was in, I tell you! IN!

(Once again, CASTOR grabs the microphone- this time more than a little upset. Impulse is already headed up the walkway with his title in hand)

(BOOS!)

CASTOR: SHUT! UP! (LOUDER BOOS!) IT CAN’T END LIKE THIS! KILL THE MUSIC!

O’CONNOR: Far be it from me to end Castor’s night, but this is getting ridiculous! Somebody cut his mic!

CASTOR: Impulse…Impulse please hear me out! This is MADNESS, the way the referee was against me, and the head referee, and YOU, and THESE IDIOT CHEESEDOG BOSTON LOCALS WHO NAME THEIR PETS AFTER CELTIC HALL OF FAMERS! (BOOS) I CURSE YOU ALL! (Impulse shakes his head and starts walking back up the ramp) Go ahead, WALK AWAY! Sleep tonight knowing you STILL haven’t beat me! And the only reason you retained that belt is because Herpin and Speranza can’t tell the difference between a reach and a (BLEEP!) TAP!

H’WOOD: He’s got a point, O’Connor.

(CROWD: "YOU-TAPPED-OUT! YOU-TAPPED-OUT!")

CASTOR: I was REACHING! But go on, take your belt and enjoy your stolen victory. Though if you think I’ll relent, you underestimate me! I’ll double my staff and have you monitored twenty-four/seven! Where you go, I’LL GO! I’ll follow you into every arena across this country, haunting you like a banshee! It will NEVER END for you Impulse- nor will it end FOR HER! (Impulse turns around, Castor laughs) Oh that’s right my noble friend…what I do to YOU, I’ll do to her TWICE! I’ll drive you mad, and that PIG will be locked up in a mental institution! Come down here, FINISH THE MATCH and I promise you it ends TONIGHT, win, lose, or draw!

(Boos fill the arena. IMPULSE looks over at Rosie, down at his belt, and into the ring at Castor)

CASTOR: You want closure? COME GET IT!

O’CONNOR: I can’t believe this! Impulse hands the belt to Rosie and here he comes RUNNING down the aisle! Castor slides out to meet him and HERE WE GO! IMPULSE WITH LEFTS! CASTOR WITH RIGHTS! THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL! THESE TWO ARE ABSOLUTELY KILLING EACH OTHER FOR THE TITLE!

H’WOOD: Somebody’s bleeding! Uh oh, maybe it’s both of them!

O’CONNOR: Castor wins the exchange! He goes to Irish whip Impulse but gets reversed into the apron! Spinning back elbow by Impulse! The champion climbs back into the ring to THUNDEROUS CHEERS!

(IMPULSE is bent over, hands on his knees. He’s not tired, but waiting on Castor to climb back into the ring. With a wide stance, he motions for Castor to meet him. Caught in the moment, he yells ‘COME ON!’)

O’CONNOR: Here’s Castor…Impulse goes for the SUPER KICK! FAKES IT! Castor went for the block and got kicked in the mid-section! FACEBUSTER! IMPULSE FOR THE WIN! ONE…TWOOOO….NO! Only a two count!

H’WOOD: Somebody call the police! The fans are attacking Starshooter! Quick, somebody turn this shit into CGI! THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

O’CONNOR: Impulse leaps off the second rope and hits Castor with a quick dropkick.

(CASTOR almost goes over the ropes, but Impulse pulls him down by his foot and executes a BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX by the skin of his teeth!)

O’CONNOR: Impulse used all his strength to hit that suplex, and for a smaller man he does have some strength! THE COVER…TWOOOO…THRR-NO! That one was damn close, though!

H’WOOD: Here comes Blanche!

O’CONNOR: Blanche Barnett slides into the ring now but the referee keeps her from going at Impulse in a fit of rage. What the HELL is she doing? Now here’s Rosie, and the ref is trying to separate them!

H’WOOD: She’s smart, Beanpole. This gives Castor a chance to catch his breathe.

O’CONNOR: It’s not often I say this, but you’re right. Impulse takes a moment to ask Rosie back to her corner…Castor’s up…AND IMPULSE’S TURNS AROUND INTO A SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! THREE! WAIT, NO! HE GOT OUT! Did he?

H’WOOD: Aww, BULLCRAP HE DID! That was three!

O’CONNOR: That was all too close, but it appeared to be only a two count. Meanwhile Castor gets right up and falls for a leg trip, now caught in a North-South hold down by Impulse. Castor powers his way up but is still caught! Impulse is trying to transition it into a standing darce choke, but he switches the hold to a front headlock and IMMEDIATELY goes for the bulldog! NO! Castor holds him up…ATOMIC DROP! Impulse stumbles a bit…but ducks a clothesline…SUDDEN IMPACT! SUDDEN IMPACT! NOOOO! CASTOR DUCKED! IMPULSE WITH A SPINNING RIGHT HAND! NOOOOOOOO! Castor has Impulse up…ATOMIC DROP! Impulse stumbles a bit…DIRECTOR’S CUT! NOOOOOOOOO! IMPULSE PUSHES OUT OF THE WAY! CASTOR WITH A BOOT TO THE GUT! SMALL PACKAGE, BUT IMPULSE ROLLS IT OVAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Crowd counts along with the cover)

O’CONNOR: ONE! TWOOOO!!!! THREEEEEEEEEE!!!!! IT’S OVER! IMPULSE RETAINS FOR THE THIRD TIME TONIGHT, BUT THIS TIME IT COUNTS!

H’WOOD: Oh COME ON! Can’t we check his boots for steel heels?

(CUEUP: "Revolution Baby" by Queen V)

O’CONNOR: Rosie jumps into the ring with the TV Title and hands it to Impulse! She’s excited as he is, and I don’t know whether it’s because he retained, or because they’re Castor Strife experience is hereby OVER!

(IMPULSE raises the title up to cheering crowd that only gets louder)

O’CONNOR: And Castor Strife is absolutely LIVID with his corner, but this was clearly a win that was NOT going to be manufactured, but earned.

(CUTTO: HERPIN relaying the decision to SIMS, who nods…)

SIMS: (V/O) "THE RESULT OF THIS MATCH IS A DRAW! "

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD BOOS!) "WHAT!?"

H’WOOD: "Oh, this night keeps getting STRANGER and STRANGER."

SIMS: (V/O) "Referee Greg Herpin has ruled that BOTH MEN’S SHOULDERS…were DOWN for the pinfall, therefore STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! NFW TELEVISION CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD!"

(CLOSEUP: IMPULSE bowing his head as the crowd lets out a big pop! KNOX shakes his head disappointedly, ROSIE patting him on the back. QUICK CUTTO: STRIFE fuming in the other corner, his eyes wildly staring at the disappointed KNOX.)

SIMS: (V/O) "IMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPULSSSSSSSSSSSSSE!"

(CUTTO: IMPULSE walks across the ring and extends his hand to CASTOR for a handshake, but Castor throws up his hands and makes a disgusted face, wanting nothing to do with it)

O’CONNOR: Classy gesture by Impulse, although I’m not surprised by Castor’s answer. Either way, Impulse has gotta consider this one of, if not THE BIGGEST matches of his young career, as he was faced with an opponent that just would not go away. Win, lose or draw…he showed he could match that and I thought was in control for that pin. I wish we had instant replay…

H’WOOD: And now Impulse won’t go away…and it kind of bothers me, I’ve gotta be honest. Just take your belt and LEAVE, damn you!

O’CONNOR: Impulse leaves the champion, and Castor returns to the drawing board. Or storyboard. Either or…for better or worse.

(FADEOUT)

(FADEIN: Back LIVE! Fans are drenched in sweat, glowing from the four hours of wrestling pandemonium that had preceded this moment. As the WIRE-CAM swirls around the Garden, signs are being held up "A NEW ERA, A NEW KING FROM THE EMPIRE!" "FELIX RED IS TAKING US BACK TO THE PROMISED LANDS OF NARCOTICS AND NYMPHOS!" "STEVE KNOX IS AWESOMELY AWESOME!" "JOE THE PLUMBER VS. THE END OF THE WORLD IN 2012! TRAILERS OUT NOW!" "HORNET WINS! HORNET WINS! HORRRRRRRRRRRRRNET WINS!" The lights start dimming, the crowd immediately ROARS in anticipation as we return to ringside w/ our hosts, KERRY O’CONNOR and LAMONT HOLLYWOOD. HOLLYWOOD is shaking his head at the fans, while O’CONNOR looks visibly nervous!)

O’CONNOR: "FIFTY CRASHES in the making. NEARLY TEN YEARS IN THE MAKING. If I were to tell you that night in the hole-in-the-wall bar in Baltimore that tonight, we’d be seeing TWO ICONS, ONE FORMER NFW WORLD CHAMPION, ONE AWESOME CHAMPION SENSATION…and a PLUMBER that’s willing to take them all on to stay UNDEFEATED in singles competitions, I would’ve called you crazy. I would’ve called the paramedics for you, but here we are…The Empire Pro Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion, a former NFW World Heavyweight Champion, a former Elite and National Champion and single most recognized ICON in the history of this sport…they are the CHALLENGERS TO THE NFW THRONE. Where sitting atop with his plunger, greasy clothes and undeniable passion is JAY TEE PEE. JOE THE PLUMBER, undefeated…unbroken…and unyielding. 5 men, a Pentagram match…no disqualifications, no countouts, pinfalls count anywhere. We are going to have referees all over the building to follow the action, but I don’t know if this building will be able to contain it! Just one year ago, Joe the Plumber took the world on at Wrestlestock II and BARELY survived. Tonight, the cream of the crop…the greatest we’ve got…all it’s going to take is ONE pinfall and it doesn’t have to be Joe’s shoulders on the ground. Lamont, we know your feelings on Joe…I’m sure we know your feelings on everyone in this match. But there’s a palpable chance of a title change without the champion getting pinned, President Mayfield has brought out all the stops to challenge Joe the Plumber…will he FINALLY LOSE?"

(H’WOOD strokes his chin and looks up in the air in serious, contemplative thought.)

H’WOOD: "Y’know Beanfry, last year…I thought we finally had Joe in the corner. We had 30 of the nastiest wrestlers in this business trying to wrest the Television Championship away from Joe. It didn’t happen…Joe nearly died in the ring and was out of action for months, only to come back and become our World Champion. It was something that disgusted me, it was something that made our President WRETCH. But something has happened in 2009, something has become ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to myself, to our glorious President and most importantly the rest of the world. We can’t judge this book by it’s cover, we can’t criticize Joe the Plumber for the way he’s gone about it…the facts are in the record boos, the truth has been filmed and aired worldwide. JOE THE PLUMBER IS THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN. Tonight, we’ve got not only SEAN STEVENS walking back through the doors of New Frontier Wrestling…out of ANY World Champion being recognized outside New Frontier, this is not only the one that Eddie Mayfield would’ve wanted. This is the one THE WORLD wanted, this was THE DREAM. For the last two years, we’ve heard the What If’s, we’ve heard the What Would Happens…and yeah, we’ve got others involved, but Stevens called the offices. He wanted his name on that line. Aside from Stevens, in my book…ironically enough, there were FIVE WRESTLERS ON THE PLANET that if they showed up, not only would it cement this as MATCH of the YEAR, but possibly MATCHUP OF THE DECADE."

O’CONNOR: "Only FIVE?"

H’WOOD: (counting off on his hand): "TROY WINDHAM. DAN RYAN. MIKE RANDALLS. HORNET and naturally, Beanfry…you know the fifth."

O’CONNOR: (thinking) "I would have to say Shane Southern or Michael Manson."

H’WOOD: (looking like O’CONNOR farted) "BLAINE HOLLYWOOD, Beansticks. (shakes his head) I don’t even know what you look for in this sport. Now, the fact that HORNET showed up…pushing 40, happily retired…or SO WE THOUGHT. This is the equivalent of the Curt Schilling (LOUD CHEERS!) coming back to stare down Manny Ramirez in the bottom of the 9th, Barry Sanders coming back to try and juke Ray Lewis, Larry Bird coming back to get dunked on Kobe Bryant. (LOUD BOOS! H’WOOD smiles wide as O’CONNOR rolls his eyes.) Hornet’s sold millions of tickets, he’s the ALL-TIME LEGEND AND ICON of the southern heritage of our industry. When you look at the Original Showstoppers, when you look at Shane Southern…this is who ruled their redneck of the woods. We’ve got men who haven’t watched this sport in ten years, buying $500 tickets on Stub Hub to be HERE. LIVE. NOT EVEN ON PAY-PER-VIEW. THE WORLD IS WATCHING…and Beanfry, for whatever reason…when the WORLD IS WATCHING, not many of these men LIKE to lose. Is Joe’s number up tonight? Frankly…"

(H’WOOD pauses, the crowd gets loud.)

H’WOOD: (shrugging inexplicably) "I don’t think so. (LOUD ROARS! H’WOOD grimaces) Until someone like BLAINE HOLLYWOOD or DORCHESTER STRATTON, two men who proved tonight…(LOUD BOOS!) that they are the only ones to CLEANSE this sport of demons like Joe the Plumber, I think we’re going to watch this freak…this animal…SURVIVE and ESCAPE again. It’s just what he does, but I’ll tell you who I think has the best shot to pleasantly surprise me. It’s the man I’m rooting for…SEAN STEVENS. (BOOS!) The loss to Quaranta just over a year ago CHANGED him. He walked away from here, he refocused and he’s PULPED OUT the guts of Empire with a methodology I can get behind. If he can keep his head in the game, keep his attitude where it needs to be…he knows what he has to do."

O’CONNOR: "So, since Stevens has become one of the biggest and most successful rulebreakers in this sport, you’re rallying behind him?"

H’WOOD: "I’m hoping Eddie Mayfield will break the code around here and show he’s rooting for the same man…but it’s not Crashmas yet."

(THE LIGHTS GO BLACK! CROWD EXPLOSION! Camera flashes sparkle and twinkle like stars all around the cavernous-looking arena. Lighters start flickering one-by-one into the tens of thousands…)

(MUSICUP: ‘VICARIOUS’ – TOOL. CROWD ROARS!)

O’CONNOR: "And yet, you forget the man…the one man who can think like Joe. Who can breathe in whatever the hell Joe’s huffed in. The one man in this match that’s been an NFW WORLD CHAMPION! THIS IS MY WILD CARD, LAMONT! THIS IS THE MAN THAT I THINK HAS THE PANACHE, if you will…TO WIN IN THE PENTAGRAM AND HOIST UP CHAMPIONSHIP GOLD!"

LEE-BABY SIMS: (V/O, lights slowly revolving to purple and red above him.) "BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS! NFW WORLDWIDE TELEVISION AUDIENCE! This next match is the MAIN EVENT to the FIFTIETH episode of NFW Crash Television, it is a NFW ORIGINAL STIPULATION PENTAGRAM MATCH for the ENN-EFF-DOUBLE YOU! CHAMPIUHHHHHHHHHHNSHIP OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRLD! (LOUD ROARS!) No time limits (pop!) No disqualificatons! (loud pop!) No countouts! (louder pop!) Pinfalls count anywhere! (loud pop!) NO HOLDS BARRED. (CROWD ROAR!) The first pinfall or submission winning the match…and it will be one of five men, INTRODUCING FIRST! FROM NOWHERE, MASSACHUSETTS! (CROWD ROAR!) A former NFW World Heavyweight Champion and Ultratitle Season 2 Eastern Conference Regular Season Champion…weighing 220 pounds…"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(CUTTO: Above the FRONTIERtron, purple and red fireworks explode everywhere! On the screen, FELIX RED is perched on the top rope and leaps off with the ‘Shattered Horizon’ Swanton Bomb onto his opponent!)

SIMS: (V/O) "THIS IS THE BOY WHO DESTROYED THE WORLLLLLLLLLLLLD! FEEEEEEEEEEEELIX RED!"

(CUTTO: FELIX RED walking out in a black t-shirt with a old, bloody 4-leaf clover surrounded by a white circle in the middle and a frayed denim jacket w/ "CLEANLINESS IS SWINELINESS." He’s also wearing spandex pants w/ red, purple, black and white spiral designs that would scare Timothy Leary as well as black boots with barcode symbols on the left, giant eyeballs on the right. RED takes his time making his way into the ring, chants of "FELIX! FELIX! FELIX!" pouring out from the crowd.)

O’CONNOR: "Felix Red had been SHUNNED by Eddie Mayfield. Screwed out of title shots time and time again for failing the first and only WELLNESS TEST administered on live television."

H’WOOD: "It was for his own good."

O’CONNOR: "Well, he’s got a shot tonight that possibly can make up for all of his history with Eddie Mayfield for the last two years. A shot to be NFW World Champion in the state, where as a boy he essentially destroyed the world in his own mind."

H’WOOD: "Have you ever looked for Nowhere, Massachusetts, Beanfry? In autumn, there’s great apple picking, colored foliage and 8-legged goats that eat and rape you during the night."

O’CONNOR: "Riiiiiiiight."

(CUTTO: The lights turning black again, the crowd whistling and howling…cameras flashing everywhere…"FEEEEEEEEEEELIX!" chants still echoing…)

(MUSICUP: "HYSTERIA" by MUSE. CROWD ROARS!)

SIMS: (V/O, swarmed in blackness and camera flashes) "The second challenger hails from PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND! (boos!) He is a former NFW NATIONAL CHAMPION and PRIMETIME CENTRAL SPONSPORED ELITE CHAMPION…weighing 242 pounds…"

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron flashing frenetically with grainy black and white images of STEVE KNOX charging opponents…)

SIMS: "THE GOLD STANDARD OF WRESTLING, AWESOME STEEEEEEEEEEVE KNAHHHHHHHHHHHX!"

(On the FRONTIERtron, the frenetic images segue into ‘Gold Rush’ LARIAT after LARIAT after LARIAT! STEVE KNOX walks out underneath w/ gold sparklers jetting towards the rafters, wearing nothing but gold trunks with black trim and black boots with his initials in gold.)

O’CONNOR: "Steve Knox had an AWESOME 2008. He won the Elite Championship, he garnered the National Championship and pretty much etched in stone his contendership to this title. 2009 hasn’t gone the same. He’s waited patiently after losing both his titles in one night, passing up secondary title rematches for his one mandatory shot at the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP for reaching #1 contender. He’s been training months for his shot at Joe the Plumber, only to be swerved into this highway wreck of a match."

H’WOOD: "He should be used to those after losing two titles in one night."

(KNOX walks down the ramp slowly, reaches ringside and raises his arms in the air as gold fireworks explode overhead. The crowd gives him a pretty loud pop as he enters the ring, signaling for the lights to go black again.

CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron displaying a single image of a king’s crown. The crowd immediately starts booing. WIRE-CAM CUTTO: Overhead the ring, where a white spotlighted crown is spinning…)

SFX: Horse hooves pounding on the ground, swords shattering violently against each other, thunder crackling! Raindrops splattering the ground with increasing rapidness, a horse neighing loudly as a horn blows and thousands of men yell with a warcry!

‘STING FROM THE SERPENT’ V/O: (boos!)

"And the prophecy read that
One day like the pheonix rose from the ashes
That a boy will be born unto a family in the slums
This boy will go on and use the knowledge that he gains…"

SIMS (V/O) "Introducing the third challenger, RETURNING to NEW FRONTIER after his FINALS loss in the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES. Since then, he’s returned from injury to dominate the globe accumulating WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS and IMMORTAL ACCLAIMS!"

‘STING FROM THE SERPENT’ V/O: (louder boos!)

"While fighting for survival in the streets
To become a crack leader
And in time that boy will grow to become King!"

SIMS "Introducing the third challenger, RETURNING to NEW FRONTIER after his FINALS loss in the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES. Since then, he’s returned from injury to dominate the globe accumulating WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS and IMMORTAL ACCLAIMS!"

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron surrounded by a radial overhang of white, hot sparks streaming with a flourish as ‘XXX’ starts flashing on the screen in gold! SEAN STEVENS’ blue eyes being interspersed on a rapid, syncopated shuffle! The boos are getting LOUDER!)

(MUSICUP: ‘KING BACK’ by T.I. – LOUD BOOS!)

POP POP POP! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(THREE GOLDEN X’S explode over the FRONTIERtron!)

SIMS: "THE KING OF GLADIATORS! PLANET EARTH’S CHAMPION!"

(The FRONTIERtron starts machine gun firing SEAN STEVENS finishing highlights of his X-FACTOR Superkick and X-TERMINATOR cutter.)

SIMS: "Weighing 245 pounds and hailing from ORLANDO, FLORIDA! THE BLUE EYED BADASSSSSS! TRRRRRRRRRRRRIPLE EX! SEAN STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVENS!"

(CLOSE-UP: SEAN STEVENS confidently strolling through the curtains and onto the entrance gantry to blinding white lights and the crowd’s DEAFENING boos! STEVENS is wearing black tights with silver trim, ‘XXX’ loosely scripted on the backside and topped off with a sparkling crown. STEVENS is also wearing a black t-shirt, "NFW KING OF THE GLADIATORS" on the front, and a depiction of a gladiator on a bucking hourse and spearing Dr. Zaius in front of the fallen Statue of Liberty (etching of EMPIRE not unnoticed!) It’s reading on the back, "ONE DAMN, DIRTY APE AT A TIME.")

O’CONNOR: "And there is your hopeful man of the hour, Lamont. Shielding his eyes in very expensive Gucci sunglasses and smirking like the cat that ate a canary…"

(STEVENS pauses near the middle of the ramp, raising his arms up in the air and spinning around to more boos…)

H’WOOD: "He’s bringing a certain CLASS and STYLE to this match that I can get behind. I think he lost his focus battling the smaller potatoes and unnecessary challenges of the lower elements around here. Now, he’s back, angry and hungry to seemingly erase that moment in time ‘cause he’s still getting chewed out for it. Sean Stevens knows this match…that if he doesn’t break out all the stops, brings all the heat possible…then there is a black mark on his career. Then, there is a STIGMA. That brings out the best in him."

O’CONNOR: "Or the worst depending on how we’ve seen Stevens act over the last year. He’s not wearing his normal accessory items for the evening."

H’WOOD: "I’m sure Lindsay Troy and he agreed that if NFW didn’t agree to insure anything within the premises of Joe the Plumber, they weren’t risking its possible melting from his body fumes."

(STEVENS reaches the ring and stands on the apron, taking the time to tour and look out at the crowd. He climbs up the turnbuckles and raises his arm up in the air, one more time to boos. CUTTO: KNOX and RED in their respective corners, FELIX sitting atop his. Suddenly, the music cuts.)

(SFX: A steam engine whistle lets out two deafening blasts to immediate crowd roars!)

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS removing his sunglasses and looking back towards the entrance area angrily! The lights turn back to complete darkness!)

(A familiar, haunting guitar introduction begins…)

SIMS: (strobe lights start flickering) "AND NOW…THE LAST CHALLENGER!"

CROWD: "PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD!"

(The building, crescendo guitar intro revs up the crowd further…)

SIMS: (crowd stomps and claps!) "HAILING FROM GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEENSBORO, NORTH CAROLINA!"

CROWD: "PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD!"

SIMS: "A man that’s held some of the most STORIED championships in wrestling history. The 1991 Ultratitle Championship, a 4-time ChampionShip Wrestling Association World Heavyweight Champion!"

CROWD: "PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD!"

SIMS: "A LEGEND. A HERO."

H’WOOD: (V/O) "A HUMAN BEE."

O’CONNOR: (V/O) "Shh!"

"IIIIIIIIIIII’M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

SIMS: (over loud roars!) "Weighing 260 pounds! THIS!"

(MUSICUP: ‘Back in the Saddle’ – Aerosmith)

SIMS: "IS!"

BOOM! BOOM! KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

SIMS: "HORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNET!"

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron, the crowd wildly stomping and clapping as syncopated strobelights accentuate in the after-glow smoke of the previous Carolina blue fireworks explosion. The FRONTIERtron starts matching the syncopation an alternating sequence of Hornet’s old facepaint design with "ERO" next to it (HERO) and a Jerry West NBA Logo mock-up of the Hornet Splash. WHAP! POP! BOOOOOOOOM! ‘Back in the Saddle’ revs up into its verse, more fireworks explode and the Garden’s lights rev up to retina bursting white! CLOSEUP: HORNET standing with his back turned to the audience 20 years of historical, hall-of-fame highlights flashing on the FRONTIERtron at the pace of a crackhead firing a mini-uzi! HORNET SPLASH ON MARK WINDHAM! ON MIKE RANDALLS! ON ELI FLAIR! ON TOM ADLER! ON EDDIE MAYFIELD! ON CRAIG MILES! ON TROY WINDHAM! ON SHANE SOUTHERN! ON MICHAEL MANSON!)

H’WOOD: (V/O) "Holy crap, they have highlights of him wrestling a bear during the Great Depression!"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET with his head bowed, "PAUL IS DEAD" written in block white on a black t-shirt. His black spandex pants, black boots both displaying his old facepaint design in Carolina blue. "PAUL IS DEAD!" chants are echoing everywhere, camera flashes are glittering and sparking a million per nanosecond and finally, HORNET turns and faces the audience to a standing, quaking ovation! The front of his t-shirt has his facepaint design and "A HERO NEVER DIES" on the front. HORNET smiles as the crowd’s ballistic, he raises his arms up and gets a second-wind of frenetic cheers!)

O’CONNOR: "In most places, Lamont…the introductions alone to this match would outshine a whole show! This is HISTORIC. This is TRULY SPECIAL. An icon, one of the BIGGEST LEGENDS of this sport is standing underneath the bright lights of the Boston Garden, 20 years in the business, 40 years old…and on the cusp of the MATCH of the DECADE and possibly, his LAST shot at WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP GOLD!"

H’WOOD: "C’mon Beanfry! This is the equivalent of Brett Favre playing at 40 years old and torching the NFL, it’s not going to happen! Hornet’s been wrestling once every year ‘cause his body can’t recover and this year…HE’S WRESTLING IN THIS!?! Either Eddie Mayfield is a GENIUS for allowing the impossible to happen…OR he’s a genius for letting me witness HORNET’S ALAMO from the front-row!"

(WIRE-CAM CUTTO: Fans jumping up and down spastically as HORNET walks down the ramp. CLOSEUP: HORNET’s smile fading as he reaches ringside, making eye contact with the three other challengers…focusing much more on ‘XXX’ SEAN STEVENS.)

O’CONNOR: "There’s also some bad blood in this ring, Lamont. Stevens and Hornet…there’s A LOT of history between the two in AND out of the ring."

H’WOOD: "What men will do for psycho bitches."

O’CONNOR: "That’s uncalled for!"

H’WOOD: "That’s her nickname!"

O’CONNOR: "Oh…right. But still there’s a lot of heat for their NUMEROUS battles in the ring. Two different generational superstars, vying for their part of the mountain."

H’WOOD: "C’mon Beanfry, you were just telling me the other night at the bar about your wife on 3 vicodins, 6 yaegerbombs and that you practically watched her molest 3 fratboys. You were crying for 3 hours about that, now imagine these two!"

O’CONNOR: "Now THAT’S uncalled for."

H’WOOD: "So was her singing "I’M HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF," while grinding against some dude’s leg and REALLY focusing on his kneecap."

O’CONNOR: "I’m…I…"

(CUTTO: HORNET entering the ring, the crowd still going wild and chanting "PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD!" chants reverberate everywhere. HORNET raises an arm up to a raucous roar as the lights start dying down. CUTTO: FELIX RED turning to SEAN STEVENS looking confused, "Who was Paul? His abusive uncle?" STEVENS can only pinch is nose in frustration. CUTTO: STEVE KNOX rolling his neck…

CUEUP: DOGS BARKING! The lights turn to all black except LEE-BABY SIMS in the ring as the crowd starts barking, roaring, stomping and clapping! The Garden getting so loud that camera literally looks like either it’s shaking…or the rafters are…

H’WOOD: (V/O) "Get me my bucket, Beanfry."

(CLOSEUP: In the pandemonium darkness, STEVE KNOX…his face twitching.)

SIMS: "AND NOW… "

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron displaying a singular, rusted, old and grimy pipe wrench.)

SIMS: "THE ENN-EFF-DOUBLE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU CHAMPIUHHHHHHHHHHHN OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD!"

(MUSICUP: "DOGSH*T" – O.D.B! The crowd picks a different class of the animal kingdom and decide to go APESH*T!)

(CLOSEUP: The FRONTIERtron fading away from the wrench and presenting a scene somewhere in the bowels of an arena. It’s dimly lit, the walls are dripping with mildew, humidity and from the steam slowly perforating out the various pipes in the disgusting room. Sitting on the pipes, wearing a white wifebeater, oil greased, tethered and torn blue jeans held up by a worn and weathered toolbelt is JOE THE PLUMBER with his head bowed down towards the cement floor.)

SIMS: "HAILING from BED-STUY, BROOKYN, NEW YORK CITY! (slight boos!) Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall, weighing in at 267 pounds! The longest reigning NFW TELEVISION CHAMPION of all-time and still UNDEFEATED in any NFW TITLE MATCH! Unpinned, Unconquerable and YOUR ENN-EFF DOUBLE YOU HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIUHHHHHHHHHN OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRLD!"

(CUTTO: The FRONTIERtron, JOE’S up. He’s walking through the room, muttering to himself as his wild eyes rapidly blink. Slung over his shoulder is the ORIGINAL NFW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP belt, 15 pounds of PLATINUM and GOLD. To many keen observing eyes’ surprise, its been kept in good condition. FLASH CUTTO: JTP dropping SARS with a vicious clothesline! BACK to JTP walking the boiler room! JTP FACEMUSHING IMPULSE! JTP WALKING! JTP GIVING NOVA THE SH*T RIVER PLUNGE! JTP WALKING!)

SIMS: "THE GREASY GOBLIN! THE SUCKER FREE BOUSE!"

(CUTTO: JOE WALKING! He kicks open a door and we see Garden workers dive out of the way! JOE’S been walking LIVE…ALL ALONG! The crowd MARKS! QUICK CUTTO: JOE looking around psychotically and suspiciously as FANS and WORKERS alike point in shock near the Budweiser stand!)

SIMS: "THE GRISTLY BEAST! THE FILTH FIEND!"

(CUTTO: Around the FRONTIERtron, white lights are spastically shooting everywhere around the arena, as JOE takes a pitcher from the stand and starts guzzling, the beer foam soaking up his chest! JOE tosses it and storms towards NFW SECURITY in a side hallway, watching that nobody enters a curtained area…naturally, they part as JOE surrounded by an increasing amount of fans running over, jumping and patting him on the back and head.)

SIMS: "THE WORKINGMAN’S CHAMPION! THE SALT OF THE EARTH! THE MAN BORN AS JOSEPH THEODORE PLUMMER AND NOW THE GRITTIEST SON OF A B*TCH! EVER TO WALK THE FRIGGIN’ PLANET!"

(CUTTO: JOE in the NFW backstage area of the GARDEN. EL PRESIDENTE’S security task force now surrounding him, cutting him off from the fans getting dragged out of the picture…)

SIMS: "THIS! IS!"

(CUTTO: JOE WALKING UP THE GUERRILLA POSITION, the crowd’s going CRAZY! "JOE! JOE ! JOE!" chants start echoing. COJONES MERCADO stands to the side and sneering in anger. He nods to his security, who part the curtain-wide showing THOUSANDS of FANS jumping up in response!)

SIMS: "JOE THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE PLUMMMMMMMMMBERRRRRRRRRR!"

WHAP! POP! BOOM! POP! KUHHHHHHHHHHHH-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(CLOSEUP: JTP standing underneath the FRONTIERtron showing DOC CURIOSITY furiously tapping out to the ‘LOCKJAW’ Ankle Lock! Sparks from the cacophony of fireworks above him shower down as JTP raises the NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP in the air to raucous cheers! JOE starts headbanging as chants of "JOE! JOE! JOE!" echo everywhere…)

O’CONNOR: "This is the man responsible for everything we are about to witness tonight. Whether it’s President Mayfield’s hatred, an undefeated streak that no wrestler in the 21st century’s first decade could dare claim to match…to survived so many challengers and challenges alike!"

H’WOOD: "He’s also responsible for the disgusting drop in NFW’s…statesmanship that President Dennis Edward Mayfield is trying to resurrect after years upon years of Craig Miles, Nova, Yori and now Joe…never letting shine through while I’m here. But like I said earlier, Beanfry…I don’t like Joe, I like NOTHING about this man. But I have YET to see a wrestler keep him down."

(CUTTO: JOE stalking towards the ring, the belt back over his shoulder. He’s talking to himself, while the fans are nearly toppling over the guardrails to touch him…which probably isn’t very sanitary of them.)

O’CONNOR: "And maybe that’s why UNLIKE the FIRST-ever PENTAGRAM MATCH signed by then commissioner Michael Manson (H’WOOD shudders) it was a LAST MAN STANDING stipulation to win the match. Tonight, under Eddie Mayfield’s created contract stipulations it’s the FIRST MAN to get the pinfall. Joe the Plumber’s shoulders may never touch the ground tonight, but he may still LOSE."

(CUTTO: JOE at the ringside area, the crowd going wild! "JAY-TEE-PEE!" chants at ringside, "JOE! JOE! JOE!" chants scattered through the arena. He starts smiling and nodding, looking out at the camera flash glittering crowd. JTP reaches the steps and slowly climbs them as all four challengers are now standing and pacing their respective corners, JTP nodding at them all and then slapping the belt! JOE points to the sky and yells "UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN!" with the crowd joining in! JOE steps through the ropes, stalking into the middle where he’s slowed up by Referees GREG HERPIN and BRUCE PHILLIPS. HERPIN, the senior official, takes the World Championship and holds it up in the air to crowd whistles and howls!

QUICK CUTTO’s: FELIX smirking, slouching in his corner. KNOX standing upright, completely focused on JTP. HORNET taking in JTP for the first time, but still giving some cursory glances in STEVENS’ direction. STEVENS locks eyes with HORNET for a moment, then mockingly leans over the ropes towards the camera and fans, "I don’t know what smells worse…Joe or Bugbrain’s apparent rise from the grave!")

H’WOOD: "He must be catching that weird mix of gasoline and the streets of New Orleans after Mardi Gras as well, but I thought that was Boston in general."

(CLOSEUP: HERPIN taking a tour with the sparkling platinum and gold World Championship, the crowd whistling, howling, stomping and clapping. JOE is standing in the middle of the ring, turning in a slow circle and nodding at each of his challengers like they’re Artie Lange’s toilet after a debaucherous night of heroin, cocaine, trannie hookers and 13 pounds of Taco Bell that may or may not have been digested fully.)

O’CONNOR: "There are words to describe this champion I dare not speak…and it looks like we’re about to get started, a match that could possibly go down in the immortality of leg—"

(MUSICUP: "HAIL TO THE CHIEF!" LOUD BOOS! QUICK CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER running towards the ropes in primal, frothing anger and screaming!)

H’WOOD: "THANK GOD."

O’CONNOR: "You’ve got to be kidding me…he wouldn’t…"

(CUTTO: A skybox illuminated by a bright spinning spotlight of the MAYFIELD COMMEMORIATIVE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL. The box is layered with plush red velor, 1920’s styled Opera seats reserved for Guests of Honor and a backdrop with the aforementioned Presidential Seal. First, SECRET SECURITY led by COJONES MERCADO walk out and surround the regally set up seating section. Second, the crowd actually marks! A blonde-haired, blue-eyed man wearing two gold medals a Cuban Flag embroidered track suit walks out with an arm raised…there’s an empty space, ten feet below. No crowd which pisses them off due to the prime Section 15 real estate, just the parquet floor and an unusually large number of tables nearby.)

O’CONNOR: "That’s…that’s…"

H’WOOD: "MONTY! MONTY’S HERE! THE GREATEST GUEST OF HONOR EDDIE MAYFIELD COULD FIND!"

O’CONNOR: "Armando Montezuma, the dubiously counted ONE-TIME NFW World Heavyweight Champion, MANAGER EXTRAORDINAIRE…one-half of the Anti-Terrorist Coalition with BLOODHUNT. And one of the most low down, dirty, reprehensibly immoral rulebreakers this federation has ever seen."

H’WOOD: "I…I…"

O’CONNOR: "Are you crying?"

H’WOOD: "I MISSED HIM!"

(CUTTO: MONTEZUMA is sat in his chair as PRESIDENT DENNIS EDWARD MAYFIELD is flanked by security and smiling like a shark. Immediately, the crowd launches into BOOS! EDDIE sneers, but then smiles again as he pulls out a Orlando Magic mini-flag, which riles up the fans even more! MAYFIELD waves it around like Mussolini as he sits down and makes a Secret Service place it in their breast pocket of their suit jacket. MAYFIELD then signals down to HERPIN, who nods…and waves towards the timeskeeper!)

H’WOOD: "Until Eddie walked out, I was about to say the last 20 minutes of my life…I’d really could’ve skipped for the bell, but he makes it special on so many levels once again."

(SFX: BELL RINGING! THE CROWD ROARS!)

O’CONNOR: "HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS! WE’RE ABOUT TO BREAK INTO HYPERSPEED!"

(CLOSEUP: The middle of the ring, JOE THE PLUMBER backpedaling, pointing and screaming towards MAYFIELD as he starts intaking the four corners surrounding him. STEVENS. HORNET. KNOX. FELIX. JOE stops and starts spinning in a circle, now talking god-knows-what towards them…suddenly, he points to the sky and screams "UGHHHHHHHHHN!")

O’CONNOR: "JOE’S CHARGING STEVENS! STEVENS WITH A RIGHT, WAITING FOR IT! NO! DUCKED! JOE BLASTS STEVENS WITH A RIGHT! LOOKOUT! (crowd groans!) OH! KNOX WITH A ROARING ELBOW TO THE SIDE OF JOE’S SKULL! The champion falls through the ropes as Hornet and Felix might be playing the smartest game by not even moving yet. Felix still slouched in the corner and I think Hornet’s starting slow, he’s been in the ring with only one man in this ring. Knox pacing the ropes and yelling for Joe the roll back in, LOOKIT THIS! (cheers!) Joe pulled out Knox by his boots! Joe with a right! Another right! Stevens rolling out of the ring – WAIT! (ROARS!) FELIX WITH A SLIDING DROPKICK INTO STEVENS’ JAW! (crack!) Stevens hits off the barricade and Hornet’s all alone in the ring! We’ve got a pile against the barricade, standing and smacking each other with fists! Hornet gives a shrug, bounces off the ropes! (LOUD ROARS!) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! (LOUD CRASH!) SPRINGBOARD HORNET BODYSPLASH! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! (CROWD: "PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD!") What a start to this match and Hornet’s standing, lookit this! Joe’s looking at him wild-eyed, he managed to stay upright smashed against the barricade! OH! (roars!) Joe launches out with a headbutt on Hornet! Hornet’s sliding back in the ring…Joe’s going in after him…"

H’WOOD: "Y’know at some point, someone’s going to get caught up in the pageantry and hype for this match and forget they just need to win the damn thing. I know that’s what great men like our Guest of Honor, Armando Montezuma, would do."

O’CONNOR: "Joe stalking after Hornet who bounces off the ropes and catches the champion with a right hand! Joe shaking it off and Hornet connects with another right to the top of Joe’s dome…Joe lets out a burlyman’s growl and returns the favor! Jab from Joe! Eyerake! Hornet’s staggered and Joe grabs his arm, we’ve got an Irish Whip! NO! (cheers!) Reversed by Hornet and OH! (BOOS!) STEVENS pulled down the ropes and Joe flew out of the ring! Stevens pulling himself up and here comes Hornet! Stevens ducks his head! (ROARS!) Hornet feigned he was jumping, but catches Stevens with a blasting kick to the head! Stevens staggering on the apron and Hornet has him by the hair and rams his face into the turnbuckles! Stevens now staggering the other way, Hornet turns him around and slingshots him into the ring! Stevens immediately scampers up, but he doesn’t have Hornet in his sights yet…DROPKICK! (cheers!) Stevens rushes up to his feet and catches another!"

H’WOOD: "If Stevens wants to win this match, he’s going to have to slow himself down! Did you see him want to go right after Joe? He’s now alone with Hornet and he’s wanted to been Old Man Yeller’s shotgun for 10 years!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens certainly seems to be on a wave of adrenaline ‘cause he’s already back up and wrapping Hornet around the waist, pushing the 40-year old legend into the turnbuckles! Shoulderblock! Shoulderblock! Hornet sent out packing! LOOKOUT! (WHAP! CROWD POP!) SPINNING LEG LARIAT BY FELIX! Hornet went down like he was shot! Stevens looks enraged, he’s rushing out at Felix! (LOUD GROANS! CROWD ROAR!) Felix counters by Drop Toe Holding Stevens into butting heads with the prone Hornet! What a move!"

(CUTTO: JOE shaking out the cobwebs outside the ring, STEVE KNOX cautiously waiting behind him…patiently awaiting a chance to strike.)

O’CONNOR: "The champion better watch his back ‘cause Steve Knox wants nothing more to break it! (LOUD ROARS!) Knox with a kick to the gut! He’s got Joe in a double underhook! OHHHHHH! BACKBREAKER! Joe writhing on the ground, but back in the ring…Felix bouncing off the ropes...(LOUD CHEERS!) SPLIT-LEGGED SLIDING DROPKICK TO HORNET AND STEVENS!"

H’WOOD: "Felix Red…only he would not know what the hell he’s decided to get in between these two…and make them pay for it! He immortally had the greatest line I felt in NFW East History during the Survivor Series Week, "What the hell is a CSWA?" Then, he created Kooter and completely lost my faith."

O’CONNOR: "And yet you like Kooter now that he’s a extreme right wing Republican rulebreaker. How fitting. Knox picking up Joe…WATCH OUT! Headfirst into the barricade, I don’t know how bad that’s gonna mess up Joe who just staggers away…(CLANG! GROANS!) OHHHHH! Knox with a dropkick square into the back of Joe’s head, which sends him vaulting into the ringpost and over the stairs!"

H’WOOD: "And we’re not even sure if THAT messed him up."

O’CONNOR: "Back in the ring, Felix Red is spryly staying out of the sight of the standing Hornet and Stevens…who now see each other as they get up! Right hand by Hornet! Right hand by Stevens! Hornet! Stevens! FELIX IS GOING UP TOP! Hornet! Stevens! Hornet! Stevens! (CROWD MARKING!) I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THE TWO! HORNET! STEVENS! HORNET! STEVENS! THEY’RE BEATING EACH OTHER TO A PULP! (LOUD CHEERS!) FELIX PERCHED BEHIND THEM! HORNET! STEVENS! FELIX FLIES! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) DOUBLE BULLDOG!"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: KNOX picking up JOE and slamming him throatfirst over the barricade outside the ring! RED picking up HORNET and body slamming him on top of STEVENS!)

O’CONNOR: "This match is quickly slipping into a situation where these competitors are not going to be able to stop pinfalls everywhere, if they’re not careful. Is anyone going to be smart enough to keep everyone close?"

H’WOOD: "This is NFW, Beanfry. Most likely, we’re about to watch a 60-minute war that will touch EVERY orifice of this arena, filling up my puke bucket in the process. And then SOMEHOW, everyone makes it back to the ring where a returning Shane Southern makes a 3-count that makes me stab my eyes out."

O’CONNOR: "You just expect the worst, tonight."

H’WOOD: "I’m in Boston!"

O’CONNOR: "Red setting himself up near the ropes, SPRINGBOARD! (CROWD MARK!) MOONSAULT! DEAR GOD! (CROWD: "FEEEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEELIX!") Red’s not even stopping as he’s rolled to his feet and run up the turnbuckles like a spider monkey crossbreeded with Jack Sparrow…Hornet’s smartly rolling out of dodge, but I think Stevens is dead to rights! LOOOOOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! STEVENS ON THE FRITZ! FELIX COVERS! HERPIN SLIDES IN! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) NO! NO! STEVENS KICKS OUT!"

H’WOOD: "Ummm…Steve Knox is trying to kill Joe the Plumber with kicks to the head. I guess that would be a painless death, that’s kind of humane."

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s been relatively quiet in the early going, which may be a first for me. Knox bringing him up…SWEET CHRISTMAS! (GROANS!) OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX ON THE PARQUET FLOOR! Joe’s skidded towards the ramp and is wailing in pain! Felix back to his tricks and picking up Stevens…NO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) SMALL PACKAGE! ONNNNNNNE! TWO! FELIX REVERSES IT! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! KICKOUT! Stevens and Felix get up and charge each other! (LOUD GROANS!) DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! They took each other out! Hornet slides in and covers Felix! ONE! TWO! NO! (BOOS!) Stevens dove into the fray and just raked the eyes of one of our sport’s greatest heroes!"

(CUTTO: KNOX reeling JTP up and hooking him with a Gutwrench and lifting him up! PILEDRIVER! JOE’S DOING THE ELECTRO DANCE! KNOX rolls him over, BRUCE ‘POWERSLIDE’ PHILLIPS, the outside ref completes the legendary powerslide into position!)

O’CONNOR: "OUTSIDE THE RING! KNOX HAS A PIN! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKS OUT!"

(CUTTO: STEVENS dangling in the ropes, apparently rushing to fast to break up that pin…FELIX quickly darts up and hits a running knee smash that knocks him out of the ring! HORNET shoots up and rolls him up from behind!)

O’CONNOR: "HORNET WITH A ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! FELIX ROLLS OUT! Felix up and charging, Hornet catches him with a hiptoss! Felix scrambles up!"

(CUTTO: FELIX looking at HORNET like he’s crazy, which is something considering it’s FELIX. "A HIPTOSS…REALLY!? What’s next? A thirteen minute side headlock?")

O’CONNOR: "Watch out! Hornet hits a running and jumping right hand! Felix staggered back into the corner! Hornet with a right! Another! Shoulderblock!"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET hitting another shoulderblock into FELIX’s gut, cross-eyeing the former NFW World Champion. KNOX is outside the ring, raking JOE’s head across the ringside descending part of the entrance ramp. STEVENS comes into the fray with a CHAIR! THWACK! KNOX tumbles over like a ton of bricks! THWACK! JOE takes a slapping double to right-center off his back!)

H’WOOD: "Now, Stevens is playing my kind of game! Maybe Hornet has some weird effect on his brain where he can’t think straight? Maybe Hornet IS quasi-insect with some brainwashing…that would explain SOOOOOOOOOO much."

O’CONNOR: "Well, I guess Felix is under its power! He’s whipped across the ring into the opposite turnbuckles! HERE COMES HORNET! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HORNET SPLLLLLLLLL—NO! FELIX MOVED! Hornet manages to block the impact!"

(CLOSEUP: FELIX cracking HORNET across the back with a FELIX KICK! "This isn’t 1984, David Byrne!)

O’CONNOR: "Felix wailing away on Hornet in the corner with his signature kicks! (WHAP! WHAP!) Hornet’s getting his back welted by Felix’s boots! Felix spins him around! (ROAR!) FELIX KICK TO THE GUT! (CROWD: "OHHHHHHH!) FELIX KICK TO THE FACE! Felix grabs Hornet and sends him packing across the ring! BACK HANDSPRING ELLLLLOH! NOBODY HOME! HORNET MOVED! Felix staggers out and WOW! Hornet packing heat with that right hand!"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET’S looking a little wild, a little juiced and a little too happy to be here. "Why do all you gymnastic boys think that works!?" SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS grabbing JTP by the scalp, reeling him into a front facelock and then hoisting him up! HORNET keeps rocking the right hand fists against the side of FELIX’s head!)

H’WOOD: "I think Steve Knox is about crap to out a lot of NON-AWESOMENESS in a minute!"

O’CONNOR: "OHMYGOD. (LOUD GROANS!) Stevens with a GOURDBUSTER! He just planted JTP across Steve Knox! Meanwhile, Felix teetering and tottering in the ring… (LOUD ROARS!) CLOTHESLINE! Hornet nearly took his head off! Felix is just getting up on fumes…RUH-OH! (MORE ROARS!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE!"

H’WOOD: "One can only imagine with a match with YYJ would’ve involved…actually, I can and I think I should just stop imagining for the moment."

O’CONNOR: "Stevens digging under the ring…oh boy. (crowd gets loud!) Stevens has a trashcan! (SFX: …the glorious echoes of a trashcan shot!) ACROSS JOE’S BACK!"

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS laughing, while slamming the can on top of Joe’s head! "It’s like getting hit by an empty dinner plate, isn’t it!?" STEVENS rips up JOE and places the trashcan on his head, JOE starts swinging wild rights and lefts…screaming like a banshee for his father, which is kind of weird. STEVENS looks at him cockeyed for just a brief moment, then smiles.)

O’CONNOR: "STEVENS HAS THAT CHAIR! (SFX: CHAIRSHOT ON TRASHCAN CRIME!) OHSWEETMERCY! JOE’S ON A KNEE! STEVENS LINING UP LIKE MANNY RAMIREZ! (SFX: METAL ON METAL MANIA!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (CROWD GROANS!) JOE’S DROPS LIKE HE’S BEEN EXECUTED MAFIA STYLE!"

H’WOOD: "Actually, I think a trashcan on your head would be more tied to a plumber’s union. Or a Mafia taking out a plumber’s union."

O’CONNOR: (over boos!) "And just for good measure, Stevens hits a double-stomp on the downed Joe! The trashcan might’ve cut into his scalp…that’s just…BRUTAL."

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS talking smack down at JOE, while HORNET lifts FELIX up in a Vertical Suplex to crowd cheers. HORNET holds FELIX up for a good 5 seconds before hitting a Suplex with a perfect rollover pin!)

O’CONNOR: "ONE! Felix kicks out! Stevens looking back towards the ring and he sees Hornet in control…and let’s face it, that’s the LAST man that Stevens wants to see in control. Stevens sliding in and Hornet doesn’t see him! BEVERLY HILLS ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWO! STEVENS HAS THE TIGHTS! NO! KICKOUT! (cheers!) Stevens bounces off the ropes, Hornet rolls under as Stevens hops over him. Hornet up, Stevens charging! Stevens ducks a clothesline! (cheers!) AND HOOKS A CRUCIFIX CRADLE! ONNNNNNNE! TWO! NO! KICKOUT! Stevens on the apron, Hornet rolling to his feet – LOOK OUT! (CHEERS!) SPRINGBOARD BODYPRESS! HORNET ROLLS IT OVER! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! STEVENS KICKS OUT! Both men scramble up and Hornet strikes first with a right hand! Stevens returns the favor! Hornet! Stevens! Hornet! Stevens rakes the eyes! (BOOS!) OHNO! (GROANS!) Sweet Mary, Stevens grabbed Hornet and just hogtossed him into the turnbuckles!"

H’WOOD: "And that’s how you treat a man willing to take Joey Melton 45 minutes long in the first and only PIGGLY WIGGLY’S match in NFW!"

O’CONNOR: "We’re still not allowed to show that footage in the United States."

H’WOOD: "I blame Melton taking the lambfries spot."

O’CONNOR: "They were in Hornet’s hands, so that’s just semantics. Stevens…he’s pulling out Hornet by the back of his tights, he’s got Hornet up! BACK TO BELLY SUPLEX! Stevens up to his feet and jumps off the middle ropes – OH! Stevens with a splash onto Hornet! He’s not even going for the pin, he’s getting up and WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX JUMPS INTO THE FRAY LITERALLY! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) HURRICANRANA, FELIX HAS STEVENS WRAPPED UP! ONNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Stevens with a big kickout! Both men rushing up and Stevens connects with a leaping forearm smash! CHOP! ("WHOO!") CHOP! ("WHOO!") Stevens with an Irish Whip and Felix bounces off, Stevens with a back body dr—WHOA! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX LANDED ON HIS FEET! Stevens didn’t see that happen!"

H’WOOD: "DON’T TURN AROUND!"

O’CONNOR: (over loud cheers!) "OHHHHH! FELIX KICK! Red caught Stevens in the side, doubling him over and into a double underhook! LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) DEEEEEEEEEE! DEEEEEEEEEE! TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FELIX JUST SPIKED STEVENS! HE COVERS! ONE! TWOO! (cheers!) Hornet pulled Felix off of Stevens! (LOUD GROANS!) OH! Felix just booted Hornet in the nuts!"

H’WOOD: "Viagra ain’t gonna get you out of that mess old man!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet falls to the mat in a lot of pain, Felix getting up…(crowd gets loud!) HOLD IT! Steve Knox just slid back in the ring behind Felix! Knox popped to his feet! FELIX TURNING AROUND AT THE WRONG TIME! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSHHHHHHHHHH! AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX BEHEADED FELIX! OHMYGAHD! Knox going for the cover! This could be it! THIS COULD BE IT! (LOUD ROARS!) ONNNNNNNNNE! (CROWD: "JOE! JOE! JOE!") JOE’S BACK! He breaks up the pinfall with an elbow drop across the back of Knox’s head!"

H’WOOD: "Those shots to the head might’ve cleared his mind to realize he’s got a title to defend!"

O’CONNOR: "Joe popping away at Knox with right hands! Felix trying to crawl away, but Joe’s got him by his dreadlocks and drags him back! Now, he’s mushing Felix’s face with those hammer fists! The man’s a brawler at heart that’s for sure…Knox standing up and Joe’s up and stalking over towards him. OH! ("UGHHHHHHHHHN!") Overhand slap to the chest! OH! ("UGHHHHHHN!") Another! Knox’s chest turning red and now Joe with a vicious roundhouse right! Irish Whip! HERE WE GO! (CROWD ROARS!) SPINEBUSTAHHHHHHHHH! JOE GOES SEMINOLE STYLE! He’s got the cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet with the breakup! (LOUD ROARS!) And Joe jumps on Hornet! He’s pounding him like a piece of hamburger on the ground! Joe up and has Hornet’s hair…scoop! Slam! Joe off the ropes and plants an Elbow Drop! Another! Another! (LOUD CHEERS!) Joe going cyclonical with those repeated elbow drops!"

H’WOOD: "He can only see straight in triple-vision and that’s the single weirdest thing I may have ever said. (pause.) Ok, not even close."

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s going to get driven through the mat if Joe doesn’t stop…and whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe just stood up and almost fell over he’s so dizzy. He’s staggering around the ring and Stevens is up to his knees, WATCH OUT! (LOUD BOOS!) UPPERCUT TO THE GROIN FROM BEHIND! STEVENS CROSSED UP JOE! Joe’s on his knees and now in the fetal position."

H’WOOD: "Do you think Joe the Plumber is the type of man we should legally be allowed to prevent from having children? If so, I think here at NFW…we can do something about that for America."

O’CONNOR: "Our President would be proud. Stevens staggering up and making his way towards Hornet…he’s bringing him up by the hair, WAIT! Hornet with a shot to the gut! Another! Stevens doubled over, Hornet reels him down with an inside cradle! ONE! TWO! Kickout! Both men getting up at the same time and Stevens fires a roundhouse right, but Hornet ducks! (LOUD CHEERS!) ATOMIC DROP BY HORNET! Stevens doing a constipated Badstreet Strut! Hornet rushing over, LOOKIT THIS! (LOUD ROARS!) SCORPION DEATH DROP! REVERSE DEEEEEEEE! DEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEE! The cover! (w/ the crowd!) ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) Knox on the mark with a sliding save! He’s got Hornet by the arm, OH! SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! Hornet’s down!"

H’WOOD: "This match…someone needs to CONTROL it. Someone needs to run an isolation play, something to stop all these breakups on the pinfalls. Nobody can get anywhere with everyone this close to each other."

O’CONNOR: "Felix Red getting up behind Knox, I think he’s about to return a favor to the Memphis superstar! (CRACK! LOUD ROARS!) OHMARYMOTHER OF GOD! SPINNING LEG LARIAT! What an impact! Knox is down, but back up and Felix is behind him again! LOOKIT THIS! (SCREAMS!) VICTORY ROLL BY FELIX! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! KICKOUT! KNOX KICKS OUT! Both men up and Knox charges at Felix! (LOUD GROANS!) OHMY."

H’WOOD: "He just got stopped dead in his tracks with that move!"

O’CONNOR: "Felix Red’s Inverted Atomic Drop has Steve Knox more bowlegged than Madonna on the morning of Ash Wednesday! Felix up in the air! (CRACK! CHEERS!) ENZIGUIRI BY THE FORMER CHAMPION! Felix covering Knox again! ONE! TWO! Broken up by Joe! (LOUD ROARS!) JTP has Felix by the dreads, he looks like he’s SUPERmad after that nutshot! OHMYGAHD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) DREADLOCK GIANT SWING! FELIX RED RUSHING TO HIS FEET!"

H’WOOD: "Joe found Felix’s HULK-UP button!"

O’CONNOR: "I don’t think anyone’s done that to him! Felix blocks a right hand from Joe! Felix with a right! Another right! CHOP! ("WHOO!") JOE WITH A HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! ("UGHHHHHHHHN!") Felix with a right! (WHAP!) Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Felix Kick! (WHAP! WHAP!) Felix Kick double-timed and Joe’s stumbling backwards throwing his Rocky dukes up! Joe’s in the corner…(WHAP! WHAP!) Felix Kicks! (WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!) RAPID FIRE FELIX KICKS! (LOUD ROARS!) OHMYGAHHHHHD! JOE’S WILD-EYED! HE’S LAUGHING OUT OF CONTROL! (GROANS!) HOLYMARYMOTHER! THRUST KICK ON THE KISSER BY FELIX!"

H’WOOD: "I don’t think Felix Red is going to play to Joe showing the elasticity of his metaphorical jaw…that’s refreshing."

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s sliding down the turnbuckles and now on his arse, FELIX RUNS UP THEM! WHATTHA? (LOUD GROANS!) A Rope-Aided Dropkick right into Joe’s jaw! WHAT A MOVE! Felix up on his feet, WAIT A MINUTE!"

H’WOOD: "This is what I’m trying to tell EVERYONE!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s got Felix from behind! Back to Belly Supl—NO! (CHEERS!) Felix flipped onto his feet behind Hornet, he’s got the both of the legends arms! (LOUD ROARS!) VICODIN PLEX! (Australian Suplex) ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet’s rolling out of it and rolling over, LOOKIT THIS! THEY’RE BRIDGING UP AND HORNET’S TAKING FELIX DOWN IN A BACKSLIDE! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! Felix rolls out and OH! What a show of quickness, Felix nails Hornet in the jaw with a slide dropkick! Hornet on his back, Felix scrambling up and over with a JACK-KNIFE! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) Hornet kicks out! Both getting up and Felix fires a right! Hornet ducked and he’s hooked Felix’s arm! He’s going for another Backslide! (LOUD SCREAMS!) WAIT! STEVENS IS UP! HE’S GOT FELIX RIGHT IN HIS SIGHTS! (CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) FELIX DUCKED THE X-FACTOR! (MORE GROANS!) …BUT HORNET NEVER SAW IT COMING!"

H’WOOD: "That’s now the single greatest moment of this match!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s OUT! COMPLETELY OUT! …and by that I mean, possibly unconscious and OUT OF THE RING! That Superkick hit him so hard, I don’t know if he protected any of that fall on the parquet floor!"

H’WOOD: "GREATEST MOMENT. Hands down, without a doubt. Welcome back Paul, we’re all so happy you can’t handle the mortgage right now and needed the cash!"

O’CONNOR: "Your chosen one shouldn’t be admiring his handiwork, I think he forgot about Felix! (LOUD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHH! STEVENS TURNS RIGHT INTO A FELIX KICK TO THE FACE!"

(REPLAY: STEVENS turning around in a 180, mockingly dusting his hands off after staring at HORNET. His whole face gets mashed in by FELIX’s boot!)

O’CONNOR: "Sweet Mary! Sean Stevens…yes…he’s got a broken nose!"

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ eyes doing the R.E.M flutters as the bridge of his nose is cracked, sliced, flattened and bleeding. Drops of blood bubble out of his nostrils as well…)

H’WOOD: "Oh…wow. Umm. YEESH."

O’CONNOR: "That might be your greatest commentary of the night! Felix Red is rushing out onto the apron and up the turnbuckles! COULD IT BE!? (LOUD ROARS!) YES! SWANTON BOMMMMMMMMM—(LOUD GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OHMYGAHD! OHMYGAHD! SHATTERED HORIZON… …BUT STEVENS GETS THE KNEES UP!"

H’WOOD: "I’m pretty sure that hurt Felix A LOT."

O’CONNOR: "His back might be broken from that! Felix isn’t even moving! I don’t know if he can! Stevens rolling on the mat, holding his knees as well…that was as good for the goose as the gander! They both might be cooked! Hornet’s still out of the ring, barely moving…Knox pulling himself up in the corner, trying to catch his breadth as we simmer on at the fifteen minute mark. Joe’s shaking out the cobwebs, Knox watching him get up slowly…"

H’WOOD: "Stevens is up! YES!"

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS rolling up to his knees with a grimace, scowling and wiping his blood to look at it…making him even ANGRIER. STEVENS flicks off the blood and stands up, shaking out his right knee.)

O’CONNOR: "Stevens looking at Felix like he stole his lady or something. He’s got Felix, who IS conscious…he can’t even stand straight…Stevens hooking him in a waistlock, here comes Knox! (cheers!) Knox with a crashing forearm to the back of Stevens! OH! (groans!) Back Elbow from Stevens! Stevens setting up Felix for a German Suplex, WAIT! (LOUD CHEERS!) KNOX RUSHES IN AND HAS TRIPLE X IN A WAISTLOCK! STEVENS’ eyes are bugging! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX! FELIX COULD BE SHATTERED! (post-impression clapping!) And how about THIS!?"

(CUTTO: KNOX keeping the waistlock intact on STEVENS and rolling him up to a standing position, but all of a sudden the crowd goes WILD! JOE’S IN THE PICTURE!)

O’CONNOR: (over BOOMING crowd!) "WHAT THE!? Joe’s locking up Knox…HE’S TRYING TO LIFT HIM!"

H’WOOD: "This can’t happen, this is IMPOSSIBLE!"

O’CONNOR: "WELL, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!?""

(CLOSEUP: KNOX and STEVENS wide-eyed, STEVENS starts frantically trying to squirm out as KNOX holds on for dear life!)

O’CONNOR: "THIS IS INSANITY! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) ANOTHER DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX! OHMYGAHD! (CROWD: "JOE! JOE! JOE!") The champion’s turned the whole match on its end! WHAT A MOVE! He dropped Knox and TRIPLE-X like a bad habit and WOW! That’s PURE strength with PURE determination!"

H’WOOD: "I just don’t know how he’s passing our wellness tests! I just don’t think it’s fair that Joe’s just circumventing the system by drinking bleach for breakfast after dousing his cornflakes in gunpowder and whiskey! The man’s huffing household cleaning products and shit on a daily basis for his highs…while Brock Alyas gets suspended months at a time for crack…and I still think Joe’s WORSE for the health of our society."

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s surveying this SUPERMAN trainwreck he’s just caused with a manic gleam in his eyes. Steve Knox looks to be the first moving and I think he’s going to regret that! Joe immediately grabbing him by the head, standing him up and slamming him into the turnbuckles. Right hand! HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (JOE: "UGHHHHHHHHHN!") Another! JOE/CROWD: "UGHHHHHHHHHHN!") ANOTHER! ANOTHER! ANOTHER! ("UGHHHHHHHHHN!") Steve Knox just fell on his butt, seated on the second turnbuckles. OH! OH! OH! (LOUD CHEERS!) Joe bashing the top of Knox’s head with those winded up Bionic Elbows! OH! OH! OH! Another fearsome threesome and now Joe’s got Knox gripped by the hair…he’s reversing him around. OHBOY. I think I know what’s coming now!"

H’WOOD: (gulps) "I wish this upon no man."

(CLOSEUP: KNOX on his knees, slumped over and his head/chest against the turnbuckles…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD crowd!) "HERE COMES JOE! (LOUD GROANS!) KISS THE PORCELAIN! A RUNNING KNEESMASH INTO THE BACK OF KNOX’S HEAD!"

H’WOOD: "Steve Knox’s head just got scrambled, fried and liquefied into a mass puddle of brain pudding."

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s dragging him to the middle of the ring and covers! ONE! TWO! (LOUD ROARS!) NO! NO! Knox with a big kickout and that’s got Joe angry! He’s up on his feet and OUCH! OOH! A couple of bootscrapes across the scalp and face of awesomeness. Joe with a couple of stomps, kick to the ribs…and Joe’s off the ropes, OOF! (JOE: "UGHHHHHHHHN!") Leaping kneedrop right across Knox’s brow! Steve Knox is in a world of trouble, while the other challengers are in a state of questionable consciousness…"

H’WOOD: "Somehow, someway…Joe…of all the freaking brains in this ring, figured out how to actually gain some control."

O’CONNOR: "And Steve Knox needs to figure out a way to turn this around before he’s completely done for…Oh man! JTP mashing fist after fist into Knox’s scalp…this is a literal ham and egging! JTP now grabbing Knox by the hair and bringing him up to a standing base…HANDSLAP to the chest! (CROWD/JOE: "UGHHHHHHHHN!") ANOTHER! ("UGHHHHHHN!") Knox backpedaling against the ropes, Joe uses the momentum and delivers an Irish Whip…here comes a Rolling Rock Elbow – NO! Knox ducked under and is coming back off the other side, Joe has him up! (BOOS!) Knox counters with an eye rake! Joe was going for another spinebuster, but now Knox has him in his own bear hug position – NO! (crowd gets loud!) Knox with a Stun Gun across the top ropes! Joe staggering around and holding his throat, Knox with a kick to the gut! (crowd screams!) KNOX GOING FOR A PILEDRIVER! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE FLIPS HIM OVER! (MORE SCREAMS!) KNOX COUNTERS WITH A SUNSET FLIP! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! NO! Joe wraps Knox in a headscissors!"

H’WOOD: "And lord knows what Knox is dealing with in there! This hold was used just 10 years ago at Brooklyn’s dirtiest pound to put dogs to sleep!"

O’CONNOR: "That is not true!"

H’WOOD: "I thought that’s what his theme song was about."

O’CONNOR: "Knox powering himself out frantically, he’s coughing up a storm…"

(CLOSEUP: KNOX bewildered, hair disheveled…and possibly ready to vomit.)

O’CONNOR: "Both men standing up…Knox is in a daze again…OH! Joe with a right hand! Another! Knox returns the favor! Rake of the eyes by Knox again! (boos!) He’s going for a suplex on Joe…CHECK THAT. (crowd gets loud!) Knox placing Joe on the turnbuckles, I think he’s going to go for broke here! Knox with a right! Another right! Another! Knox now climbing up and he’s trying to hook in for a Superplex! (crowd pop!) HOLD THE PHONE! (crowd getting louder!) JOE FIGHTING BACK! (crowd roars!) Knox falls off the turnbuckles, he’s stumbling around and JOE FLIES OFF! (crowd pop!) Knox ducked under a Flying Bionic Brooklyn Elbow, Joe turns around! (CROWD SCREAMS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! JOE’S ON THE FRITZ! KNOX STUMBLING OVER FOR THE PINFALL! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (crowd gets loud!) THRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR(ROARS!) NO! NO! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! STEVE KNOX WAS ONE MILLIMETER FROM BEING THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION!"

H’WOOD: "…that…that…WOW. Joe JUST…JUST got his right shoulder up."

(CLOSEUP: STEVE KNOX staring at the referee wildly! In the background, a weary FELIX RED is on the apron…climbing the turnbuckles. KNOX mouths "ARE YOU KIDDING?" as referee GREG HERPIN shrugs.)

O’CONNOR: "Steve Knox has to see that the troops are starting to form back up around him! Felix on the ropes…AND WAIT! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) FELIX BETTER TURN AROUND!"

(CUTTO: FELIX perching on the ropes, but a woozy SEAN STEVENS is walking along the apron towards him. FELIX sees him too late!)

O’CONNOR: "NOOOOOOOO! (LOUD CRASH! DEAFENING BOOS!) NOOOOOOOO! OHMYGAHD!"

H’WOOD: "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 4!"

O’CONNOR: "Sean Stevens, TRIPLE-XECUTIONED FELIX RED! He just pushed him off the top ropes, where Felix Red just broke through the Mexican Broadcast table where Carlos Canyeta, Benjamin, Ryan Aston and Vivi Por Siegel are doing tonight’s commentary for Telemundo Deportivos!"

H’WOOD: "Ah yes, Vivi. Those voicemails she leaves on Armando Montezuma’s cellphone are legendary in my circle."

O’CONNOR: "Stevens now climbing up to the top as Steve Knox is standing up! Knox picks up a nearly deadweight Joe and stands him up in the middle of the ring… (crowd gets loud!) KNOX BOUNCES OFF THE ROPES! (CROWD GROANS!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH PART TWO: THE AWESOME BOOGALOO! WAIT! WAIT! (CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS FLIES OFF WITH A HURRICANWHATINMARY’S NAME!?! (CROWD ROARS!) KNOX CAUGHT STEVENS! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!"

H’WOOD: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD CRASH!) "OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) KNOX JUST THREW STEVENS THROUGH THE JAPANESE BROADCAST TABLE! PAUL SHIRO AND THE GREAT KABUKI THINKING ITS TOKYO 1967 AND GODZILLA ALL OVER AGAIN!"

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX looking around like a wildman at the crowd chanting "THAT WAS AWESOME! THAT WAS AWESOME!" KNOX starts shaking his head at them like they crapped in someone’s cornflakes that they took the time to pour actual sugar on. I mean…that’s the workingman’s Frosted Flakes mothergoatherder! KNOX thumbs his chest and screams "I AM THE AWESOME!" Then, he falls to his knees and covers JTP!)

O’CONNOR: "WELCOME TO THE AGE OF AWESOME! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRR(CROWD EXPLOSION!) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? JOSEPH THEODORE PLUMMER JUST KICKED OUT!"

H’WOOD: "We are not living in the Age of God. This is the world of something evil incarnate."

(CLOSEUP: KNOX shaking his head at the referee like he was just told Darth Vader was his father. "NO…NO…THAT’S NOT TRUE…THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!")

O’CONNOR: "HOW!? HOW!?"

H’WOOD: "I don’t know! If I did, I’d sell it to the highest bidder or become the bidder to make sure the man’s tyrannical stinkocracy didn’t further stain the NFW World Championship!"

O’CONNOR: "Knox is freaking out! (CROWD: "JOE IS AWESOME! JOE IS AWESOME!") And I don’t think those chants are going to help out the sanity of Steve Knox! You know he’s close to his breaking point in his rivalry against Joe the Plumber!"

H’WOOD: "WHAT RIVALRY!? JOE HASN’T LOST TO HIM IN HOW MANY MATCHES!? LET ALONE THE ODDS! Here’s a little shoutout to the sanitorium of his surfer’s brain…YOU NEED TO WIN TO MAKE IT A RIVALRY!"

O’CONNOR: "Knox is pacing around the ring, leaning over the ropes and losing himself in the crowd’s chanting at him! Knox just rolled out of the ring…oh sweet mary…he’s DIGGING UNDER IT!"

(4-WAY SPLIT: JOE conked in the middle, while KNOX pulls out a extra-large wreath of razorwire as the crowd gets LOUD. FELIX stumbling around on all-fours outside the ring, HORNET standing up with the aid of the ring barricade. SEAN STEVENS collapsed over the ring barricade, which promotes some beverage dunking. STEVENS tries to get up and swing at the fans, but wearily slips and falls to a crowd pop.)

O’CONNOR: "Knox is coming back in the ring as JOE’s rolled over on his stomach…this match is about to get VERY interesting Lamont! I think Steve Knox has lost his goddamn mind by thinking a wreath of barbed wire is a good thing to bring into this…"

H’WOOD: "He does live in Tennessee, Beanfry. They’ve got seven-hundred page tomes dedicated to the finest selection of squirrel stew recipes."

O’CONNOR: (over screams!) "And watch out! Knox with a stomp to the back of Joe’s head, and YUP! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVE KNOX IS OFFICIALLY A CRAZY MADMAN! HE’S TRYING TO CHOKE HIS OPPONENT WITH BARBED WIRE! (loud boos!) Knox now working Joe’s face like a bowl of cookie dough with his right hand digging into every hole, nostril, socket and then a vicious rake! (crowd gets loud!) Oh no…Knox…unwrapping the wreath’s loose end and pulling…NAY…WRAPPING JOE’S HEAD IN THE WIRE."

H’WOOD: "It is now by Presidential decree that I take the time to talk to our fans about Hepatitis. I’m sure you saw Christopher Sheffield earlier this evening and that is what Hepatitus Type NFW can do to a human being."

O’CONNOR: "HE DOESN’T HAVE HEPATITIS! Heck, anyone could see that match was 98% CGI! We’ve got a serious problem on our hands…Steve Knox is laughing madly at Joe…(LOUD BOOS!) NOW WRAPPING IT AROUND JOE’S EYE AREA! Joe’s screaming…and practically muzzled by Knox, who pushes him down to the mat and SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD! NO! NO! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) NOOOOOO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) MODIFIED CURBSTOMP! MARY CHRISTMAS, STEVE KNOX HAS GONE FROM AWESOME TO PSYCHOTICALLY SADIST!"

H’WOOD: "How do you break a curse, Beanfry? Steve Knox has gone the route of bloodgutting evil intentions. It’s way better than his old way of impersonating a Mormon Jim Breuer, don’t ruin this for me!"

O’CONNOR: "Joe is frantically writhing on the mat, but lookit this! (crowd roars!) Joe’s rolled up to one knee and he’s egging Knox to bring some more heat! OH! Knox with a boot to the head! Joe’s egging him on for more! Steve Knox with a right! Another right! Joe’s trying to stand up and Knox kicks him square in the jaw! Joe stumbles into the turnbuckles, the wreath around his neck and wrapped around his face…he can’t even see out of it! He’s sitting on the turnbuckles, his dukes put up as Knox keeps kicking at him! Knox grabbing Joe and sending him across the r—NO! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE REVERSES! Knox hits the pads and bounces out! (MORE ROARS!) JTP WITH A JUMPING HEADBUTT! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! KNOX TEETOTTERING, JOE CAN’T EVEN SEE! (JOE beats his chest and shouts "UGHHHHHHHHN!") THE CHAMP WITH A WILD RIGHT! NO! Knox ducks under, Joe’s on a blinded swivel! OH! (groans!) ROARING ELBOW FROM KNOX!"

H’WOOD: "Knox has him in the red dot sight!"

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s staggered, Knox off the ropes WE COULD BE SEEING A TRILOGY OF AXE BOMMMBAHHHHHHH! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE DUCKED THE GOLD RUSH! They both spin around! (LOUD ROAR!) Joe with a kick to the gut! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S GOT KNOX IN THE DOUBLE UNDERHOOK, WILL STEVE KNOX FEEL THE PLUNGE!? (CROWD SCREAMS!) JOE HAS HIM UP! WAIT! HORNET! HORNET! (LOUD GROANS! LOUD BOOS!) I…I…I THINK HORNET JUST SOLD JOE DOWN THE SH*T RIVER!"

H’WOOD: "Never, ever trust a Southern man that likes to wear a suit at ANY point in his life! Haven’t you watched the Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas, Beanfry!?"

O’CONNOR: "HORNET CHOPBLOCKED JOE…and it’s like the wind has been taken out of the sails of the Boston Garden! Knox was able to land ON TOP of Joe to make it worse and he’s scrambling up to his feet as Joe’s writhing on the mat!"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET on his knees, keeping his eyes on KNOX. HORNET squints his eyes shut for a moment, trying to clear his head as the crowd is still LOUDLY booing! HORNET swings himself up and now stands at the opposite corner of KNOX. JOE in the middle of the ring…the razor wire still wrapped around his face, hanging from his neck. He slowly gets up to a knee…not facing KNOX, HORNET or anyone, but screaming "BRING THE FRAKKIN’ TRAIN! ‘OL JOE’S READY JOHN TROJAN! YOU COME DOWN THE TRACKS ‘CAUSE ‘OL JOE’S READY FOR THE STEAM ENGINE LIGHT!")

O’CONNOR: "…I don’t think any words could describe this."

H’WOOD: "Or conventional wisdom…logic…or societal norms."

O’CONNOR: "HERE COMES HORNET! (LOUD GROANS!) BIG BOOT to the SIDE! Joe falls over, but he’s getting up to that knee again and putting up his fists! HERE COMES KNOX! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX WITH A RUNNING KNEE! JOE’S DOWN! …and lookit this! JOE’S BACK TO THE KNEE! Hornet and Knox are just shaking their heads at each other, but hold on… (crowd gets loud!) FELIX and STEVENS are rolling into the ring! Stevens is up first and he’s charging Joe! (MORE GROANS!) LEG LARIAT TO THE FACE! …JOE STAYED UP! HOW?! WHY!?"

H’WOOD: "Stevens rolling to his feet and we’re back to Mexican standoff levels with Joe in the middle of the crossfire!"

O’CONNOR: "He’s still screaming something about John Trojan and I think Felix is about to shut him up! (MORE GROANS!) OHHHHHHHH! STEP-UP SHINING WIZAHHHHHHD! JOE’S OUT! HE’S ROLLING OUT OF THE RING! Knox dives for his feet, but it’s too late and now…NOW WHAT!?"

H’WOOD: "I think all four men don’t know anymore. I don’t know anymore. We’re just about twenty-five minutes in and all we’ve learned in the last five is that Joe’s taking a Personality Disorder Counter-Tactical Strike to the Sadistical, Psychotic Switch in Steve Knox’s formerly awesome and now snapped brain."

O’CONNOR: "Which is just enough time to recover from finishers, tables breaking and random other maniacal mayhem."

H’WOOD: "It’s like watching Sports Science through a Crystal Meth Looking Glass."

O’CONNOR: "And…And Joe the Plumber is crying."

H’WOOD: "…what?"

(CLOSEUP: JOE outside the ring, crawling around and…bawling. Snotdripping, mucous streaming, sinus cavity emptying crying. "THE TRAIN KILLED ‘OL JOE, HE CAN’T FIGHT NO MO’ JOHN TROJAN! THE LIGHT BURNS!")

H’WOOD: "Ooooooooook."

O’CONNOR: "Hornet, Felix Red, Steve Knox and Sean Stevens are all cautiously watching each other…back to a virtual stalemate in the grand scheme of things. (KNOX screams, "THIS IS NOT AWESOME!") AND KNOX launches wildly at HORNET! He’s wailing away on right hands, he knows the opportunity he just narrowly missed! Hornet blocks a right and counters with one of his own! Another! Knox staggers and away, but Hornet gets blindsided by Stevens! Knox walks right into a Felix Kick! Stevens bashing Hornet’s head into the turnbuckles a few times and whirls him around, LOOK OUT! CHOP! ("WHOO!") CHOP! ("WHOO!") Stevens with an Irish Whip! (STEVENS: "OWWWWWWWWWW!") Stevens with a howl, here comes…HE’S GOING FOR THE HORNET SPLASH! (CROWD POP!) IT HITS! HORNET DUCKWALKING AROUND THE RING!"

H’WOOD: "Oh, the irony! Oh, the beauty! That was like Shakespeare!"

O’CONNOR: "Sit down!"

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS bowing for the crowd to a pop, H’WOOD standing up in STEVENS’ scope. He makes a tip of the cap gesture to STEVENS, who thanks him. H’WOOD’s eyes widen when HORNET stops duckwalking and waits for STEVENS to turn around. H’WOOD nudges his head, trying to let STEVENS know…who doesn’t get it.)

H’WOOD: "Uh-oh."

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) "Hornet catches Stevens with a right hand and that serves him right for paying any attention to you! Felix, meanwhile, is whiplashing Knox with kicks and strikes! Knox rakes his eyes to break up the momentum and slams a forearm into the side of the former World Champion’s dome. Hornet kicking away at Stevens, while Joe the Plumber is sitting against the ring apron outside the ring…STILL crying."

H’WOOD: "It’s a twisted web that gets woven into the fabrics of our World Champion’s mind. And by god, is it in the worst, uninhabitable, diseased body."

O’CONNOR: "Hornet picking up Stevens, now wait…it looks like the two Sons of the South are going to work together and Irish Whip Stevens and Red at each other! (crowd pop!) Felix slides through Stevens’ legs…(CROWD MARK!) BUT RIGHT INTO HORNET’S GRASP! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVENS DUCKS UNDER THE GOLD RUSH! HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION! WAIT! BACKSLIDE BY STEVENS! INSIDE CRADLE BY RED! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

H’WOOD: "Who would’ve won the championship on that!?"

O’CONNOR; "I don’t know! But it doesn’t matter as everyone’s scrambling to their feet! Stevens catches Red with a dropkick that sends him into the turnbuckles! Knox drops in on Stevens with an elbow drop! Red fires out of the turnbuckles, but Hornet blindsides him with a leaping crackback shoulderblock! Red just got crossed up and sent into the air! Knox standing up and Hornet catches him with a boot to the chest…Knox into the turnbuckles and Hornet connects with a roundhouse right! Another!"

(CLOSEUP: JOE blubbering and bawling against the apron…the wreath dangling around his neck, blood pouring out of his scalp and face from the razorwire digged into his flesh.)

H’WOOD: "They ain’t kidding when they say it takes a lot to laugh, but a train to cry."

(JOE looks up, "JOHN TROJAN! JOE’S SCARED OF THE TRAIN! OL’ JOE’s SCARED OF THE LIGHT!" The crowd starts chanting "JOE! JOE!" and JTP starts wailing "OL’ JOE DON’T FLY, JOHN TROJAN! OL’ JOE WOULD COME UP THERE AND DRAG YA DOWN FOR THE FRAKKIN’ FIGHT OF THE CENTURY! JTP suddenly stops crying and looks up at the house lights with an incensed, angered look. "WELL, YA COME ON DOWN JOHN TROJAN! YA COME ON DOWN AND UGHHHHHHHHHN! JOE’S GONNA FIGHT LIKE A BOUSE! UGHHHHHHHHN!"

CUTTO: HORNET letting STEVE KNOX fall to the wayside, looking out at JOE yelling in complete confusion. This of course, allows SEAN STEVENS to cross him up. BLIND UPPERCUT NUTSHOT STYLE, YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD groans and H’WOOD laughing!) "OHHHHHHHHHH! SEAN STEVENS JUST WAYLAYED HORNET’S CROTCH! He’s got him rolled up! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! NO! But it would’ve counted due to ANYTHING going and that’s gotta be chalked up to there. Meanwhile, Joe’s thrashing around outside the ring apparently asking for the ceiling lights to come down and fight him like a man…"

H’WOOD: "I don’t even know if this is par for the course with him."

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s getting stomped on by Stevens, who now drags him up and blasts him with a forearm uppercut! That’s got Hornet on dream street and in the corner, where Stevens buries a vicious shoulderblock into his ribcage! Another! Stevens hooks Hornet and up he goes! Suplex with a rollover! ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet with another kickout, Stevens up way quicker as the 40 year-old is in trouble, OH! Hard cracking right from Stevens, who’s now getting dragged out by Knox! LOOK OUT! Back Suplex! (crowd pop!) NO! Stevens flipped out and landed on his feet! Knox turns around! OHHHHHHHHHHHH! (LOUD ROARS!) CUTTAHHHHH! STEVENS JUST BROKE OUT THE DIAMOND CUTTER! Knox just vaulted into the air and landed on his back!"

H’WOOD: "Sweet Dreams are made of this! Say it Beanfry!"

O’CONNOR: "Hardy Har Har, Lamont…and Sean Stevens, TRIPLE-X may be a few moments away from cementing himself as the greatest wrestler on ANY circuit in this sport! Knox and Hornet are both struggling to stand, Hornet’s up first…Stevens cracks him with a side elbow that nearly sends him out of the ring! Knox up…LOOK OUT! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) X-FACTOR! THE SUPERKICK THAT PUT STEVENS ON THE MAP! KNOX IS OUT! WAIT! WAIT! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX RED!

H’WOOD: "NOOOOOOOOO! Goddamn that freak!"

O’CONNOR: RED JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND POPPED STEVENS IN THE SKULL WITH HIS OWN SUPERKICK! I don’t believe this! Stevens was making a cutthroat motion and about to cover Knox!"

(CUTTO: Outside the ring – JTP still sitting, still wrapped in the razorwire…and shaking his head profusely in a negative fashion. JOE: "YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT MY DADDY LIKE THAT JOHN TROJAN! YOU CAN’T TELL ME TO FLY! YOU COME DOWN AND FIGHT ‘OL JOE! YOU COME DOWN AND UGHHHHHHHHHHHHN! WE FINISH THIS!")

H’WOOD: "Will security get that madman away from the ring!?"

O’CONNOR: "He’s the World Champion, but maybe not much longer ‘cause Felix Red is climbing up to the top rope! (LOUD SCREAMS!) HORNET! HORNET RUSHES OVER! HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A ROCKET LAUNCHING! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD POP!) HORNET PRESS SLAMS FELIX OFF THE TOP! Red rushing up to his feet and…"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: JTP standing up outside the ring, removing the straps of his wifebeater as the fans start going wild at ringside…FELIX RED standing up in a stupor.)

H’WOOD: "Focus on the ring, Beanfry! Let the cameras tell Joe’s story! I don’t need your brain to explode Scanners style over my fine threads."

O’CONNOR: "Joe…is he trying to fight the fans?"

(JTP starts putting up his dukes, looking at nobody in particular…but still screaming "BRING IT THE UGHHHHHHHHHHN! FRAKKIN’ ON JOHN TROJAN!")

O’CONNOR: "Felix turns around and OH! (crowd cheers!) Clothesline by Hornet! Felix rushes up again! (crowd pop!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE BY HORNET! He’s got Felix on the ropes, Irish Whip and a back body drop!"

(JTP seems to be brawling with air…which happens to hiptoss him onto the cement to crowd groans! "TROJAN! YA HIPCHECKED ‘OL JOE, NOW IT’S ON!" JTP rushes up and running, then vaulting himself into the ringpost with a loud crack! The crowd groans as JTP goes down like he’s shot.)

O’CONNOR: "Felix Red fighting to his feet in the turnbuckles, probably not the best place for him right now! Here comes Hornet, OH! (groans!) GORE! GORRRRRRRRE! He just gored Felix into the turnbuckles, he might lose his lunch!"

H’WOOD: "Crstyal Meth Covered Cheerios with a quart of Quaalude pasteurized Percocet milk from spider monkeys."

O’CONNOR: "Hornet with a right cross! Kick to the gut! Another right cross! IRISH WHIP! DO YOU BELIEVE THIS!? (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HORRRRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH! HE’S STILL GOT THE SPRINGS FOR IT! FELIX FACEFLOPS OUT OF THE CORNER! (CROWD SCREAMS!) HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHLOCK! (LOUD GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOOO! SEAN STEVENS FROM BEHIND! HE’S GOT HORNET IN A COBRA CLUTCH!"

(CUTTO: Outside the ring, JTP bleeding much more from the scalp…walking around haphazardly until it looks like he takes a drop toe-hold right into the ringsteps! The crowd groans loudly, onlookers at ringside looking worried.)

H’WOOD: "I don’t know if I can handle this much happiness! Joe the Plumber is killing himself outside the ring, by his own accord…and Hornet’s about to get put to sleep by Sean Stevens!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s trying to fight the hold off, Steve Knox is still knocked out himself from Sean Stevens’ perfected Superkick X-FACTOR finisher!"

(CUTTO: The Presidential Box – a first-time shot, where EDDIE MAYFIELD and ARMANDO MONTEZUMA are actually watching the match. MAYFIELD starts leaning over, watching intently.)

O’CONNOR: "Hornet trying to get to the ropes, but Stevens pulling him back in the ring – wait! (cheers!) Back elbow from Hornet! Another! Stevens breaks the hold and staggers back…"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD slapping his knee in disgust…)

O’CONNOR: "Looks like our President Supports the Heel Troops as usual! Hornet working back the crowd in his favor, cracking Stevens in the head with another right…another! Boot to the gut! Hornet with an Irish Whip – NO! REVERSED! (LOUD GROANS!) Hornet hits chestfirst, my god what impact! (crowd gets loud!) Stevens hooks Hornet in a Reverse DDT! HE COULD BE GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHDROP!"

H’WOOD: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "OR EVEN BETTER!"

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD ROARS!) "OSAKA STREEEEEEEEEEET CUTTAH! THE X-TERRRRRRRRINATOR! STEVENS JUST HIT IT ON HORNET! He gets up, but WHAT THE MARY!? (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH PART THREE! THE RETURN OF THE AWESOME!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing up in his box, looking like he just had his arms raised in victory until the jaws of life snapped it from him.)

O’CONNOR: "STEVENS DIDN’T SEE KNOX! I DIDN’T SEE KNOX!"

H’WOOD: "NOBODY SAW HIM! All of a sudden, he’s conscience…charging like a bull and screaming like a banshee!"

O’CONNOR: "Knox crawling over and covers! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRR(CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! FELIX PULLED HIM OFF! FELIX PULLED HIM OFF!"

(CUTTO: KNOX clawing on the mat, frantically screaming and reaching for STEVENS as FELIX RED wearily lays across his ankles.)

O’CONNOR: "And for Steve Knox…it can’t hurt anymore, can it? That’s just PURE mental anguish!"

H’WOOD: "How about Sean Stevens!? I’m telling you, Beanfry…NOTHING’S getting settled with these five men this close to each other! They’re either too good like Stevens, too crazy like Joe and Knox…and in the case of Hornet and Felix…they’re on too crazygood pills!"

O’CONNOR: "…and if you think this match hasn’t hit it’s fever pitch, I dare you to look outside that ring."

(CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER standing up, but he’s dressed somewhat differently. His razorwire halo wrapped head is topped off with a white fisherman’s floppy hat. JOE’S also wearing flattened and bent blue-shaded 1970’s aviator sunglasses. He’s also smoking a Philly blunt with a white plastic tip and…goose-stepping. He stops and points to finger-pistols at the Presidential Skybox. "JOHN TROJAN SUPPORTS YOU MISTER PRESIDENT." CUTTO: MAYFIELD blinking for a moment of confusion. He then turns to MONTY and mouths, "What the…")

O’CONNOR: "Who’s John Trojan?"

H’WOOD: "Really? You’re not going to say where the floppy hat and sunglasses came from? You’re not going to acknowledge where Joe keeps them?"

O’CONNOR: "I…no. Steve Knox is struggling to his feet, wildeyed and looking like he’s ready to kill someone and that might be Felix Red! OOF! He catches Felix with a running knee as the former World Champion gets up and that sends him into the turnbuckles…Knox stalking in and delivers a few more boots, a right cross and OOF! Headbutt from Knox right into Felix’s nose! OH! HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (KNOX: "UGHHHHHHN AWESOME!") Knox with an Irish Whip into the opposite turnbuckles! HERE COMES KNOX! RUNNING SHOULDER! (CROWD POP!) NO! FELIX LEAPT OVER HIM! HE’S FLIPPED THE SWITCH AND HOOKED KNOX IN A SUNSET FLIP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! KNOX KICKS OUT! Both men scrambling up, Knox swings and misses with a wild right! (WHAP!) Felix kick to the leg! Knox misses another wild right! (WHAP! Crowd pop!) Felix Kick to the gut! (WHAP! Cheers!) Felix Kick to the ribs! OH! (ROARS!) Felix with a dropkick! Kipup by Felix and he’s running towards the ropes and Springboards off as Knox stands up! (MORE ROARS!) HURRICANRANA! Felix leaps off, Knox rushing up as Felix runs off the side ropes…(cheers!) Spinning Leg Lariat!"

H’WOOD: "It’s like watching a speedballing Spider Man wrestle in there!"

O’CONNOR: "And Steve Knox isn’t getting up so fast this time, Felix hopping around with a grin on his face…he’s going to the second turnbuckle and Knox standing up slowly, LOOK OUT! (CRASH! CROWD ROAR!) TORNADO DDT! FELIX WITH A COVER! ONNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! KNOX KICKS OUT! Felix gets up to his feet and this crowd is on their feet! Felix Red, lost amidst everything’s that’s gone down so far…looks to be in the best shape of this match!"

(CUTTO: JOE has pulled a ladder from ringside that he’s started to wrap one side heavily in the razorwire, whistling along happily. Then…to the crowd’s increasing volume, he places one arm through several rungs on that side and repeats the process, before leaving at least 6-7 more revolutions of the wire…underneath his floppy hat. "ALRIGHT JOE THE PLUMBER! JOHN TROJAN’S WON THE FIGHT! NOW, HE’S GONNA SHOW YA HOW WE FLY LIKE A FREEBIRD!")

H’WOOD: "This is something so wrong…but so right for this match."

O’CONNOR: "Felix sees what’s going on…and…is he conversing with Joe."

H’WOOD: "Please don’t show this."

(CUTTO: FELIX leaning over the ropes, nodding at JOE.)

FELIX: "I like the new look."

JOE: "That’s ‘cause John Trojan’s, the original rockstar! Born to Party with Presidents, so you…Listen up Axel Vicious! The Punk Revolution started on the streets of John Trojan’s playgrounds! YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE JOHN TROJAN GET HIGH AS THE MOON!"

(CUTTO: H’WOOD facepalming.)

O’CONNOR: "Felix stepping onto the apron…he could take his chances with Joe…"

H’WOOD: "I wouldn’t take chances with a man strapping himself with jagged, metal wire to a ladder."

O’CONNOR: "Knox slowly getting up and FELIX SPRINGBOARDS! (CRASH! LOUD CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHD! 720 DDT! SEVEN-TWENTY DEEEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD: "FEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEEEELIX!") WHAT A MOVE! RED’S COVERING KNOX! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! HORNET WITH A DIVING BREAKUP!"

H’WOOD: "’Ol Bugbrain finally got something right!"

O’CONNOR: "We were millimeters from a new World Champion! And speaking of which, I think the one we’ve got has completely gone off the deep-end as he’s steadying himself outside the ring…he’s trying to climb up on the apron! Felix is in complete control inside the ring, up on his feet and peppering Hornet in the head with right hands as he tries to stand…Felix hooks him in a front facelock…hooks the leg and WHOA! (CROWD ROAR!) FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX! ONNNNNNE! TWOOOO! KICKOUT! Felix not taking long to let Hornet recover, two seemingly iconic representations of their wrestling eras…at long last, battling each other. Felix bringing up Hornet and slams him down right near the turnbuckles. Felix hopping up on them, corner slingshot splash! (GROANS!) NO! Hornet got up the knees and that’s going to put a damper on Felix!"

H’WOOD: "The man’s more like a cockroach than a honey-lactating insect. Especially if you take out the roach part of the equation."

O’CONNOR: "Ok, we get the picture! Felix doubled over, Stevens…Knox…both trying to regain consciousness…and Joe the Plumber…"

H’WOOD: "…you can say it, Beanfry…’cause I say it every minute I watch the man. HE’S LOST HIS GODDAMN MIND!"

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting VERY LOUD!) "I…I think you’re right!"

(CLOSEUP: JOE THE PLUMBER, somehow…someway…balancing himself on the top rope, the last few rounds of razorwire haloed around his head. A 10 foot ladder barbed, wired and gripped by his arms in a way that only a psychotic, delusional and brown-acid tripping Leonardo Da Vinci could visualize…JTP spits out his plastic-tipped Philly Blunt then starts shaking his head spastically, "WE’RE GONNA FLY JOSEPH! JUST LIKE THE WHITE DRAGON THAT HELPED ME KILL YOUR DADDY! IT’S TROJAN TIIIIIIIIIIME!")

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "JOE’S IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRR!"

H’WOOD: "He’s high alright."

O’CONNOR: (over crowd pop!) "Hornet dodges out of the way at the last minute, but Joe’s on his feet in the middle of the ring looking around wildly!"

(CLOSEUP: JTP looking at all the opponents starting to get up, surrounding him…JTP starts shaking his head like he’s seen the light of God filling his soul with a faith only known to true believers. He looks up to the sky, "ERNIE BORGNINE, JOHN TROJAN SALUTES YA!" JTP starts spinning around wildly in spastic circle.)

H’WOOD: "Did you know Jan Michael Vincent is Dorchester Stratton’s uncle?"

O’CONNOR: "JOE’S GONE INTO A BLACKHAWK DEMONSPAWN RAPTOR! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE LADDER JUST CRACKED FELIX IN THE JAW! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX TAKES IT IN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! (crowd gets LOUD!) Hornet dropkicks the ladder coming right at him, but that’s just sent Joe’s momentum spinning the other way!"

H’WOOD: "Y’know, maybe I underestimated Hornet in this environment. I mean…it’s not like all the crazybirds of the last twenty years have been knocking on his mansion with pitchforks and torches…hell, he kept a branding iron."

O’CONNOR: "Triple X is getting up in a headwounded stupor…he doesn’t even see Joe coming, he’s stalking towards Hornet and pointing towards him…(CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) STEVENS TAKES ONE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! (LOUD CRACK! CROWD: "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!) DOUBLE CHOPPER BUSTAH! KNOX AND RED HIT AT THE SAME TIME FACING TWO DIFFERENT WAYS!"

H’WOOD: "Ok, now this is getting ridiculous!"

O’CONNOR: "Herpin dove out of the ring, now outside with Phillips…Stevens smartly rolled out of the ring, but I can’t say the same for Steve Knox! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) KNOX STAYS ON HIS FEET! (CRACK! MORE ROARS!) SWEET MARY! (CRACK! LOUD CHEERS!) KNOX TAKES THREE STRIKES AND HE’S OUT!"

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD sitting with his head in his hands, MONTY watching cross-armed and shaking his head negatively.)

O’CONNOR: "Felix staggering up and (crowd pop!) He just ducked under the ladder, he’s now adjacent to Hornet they’re making eye contact…OH WAIT! (CROWD: "OHHHHHHHH!" LOUD GROANS!) FELIX LEGSWEEP AND HORNET WITH A THESZ PRESS! HORNET WAILING AWAY ON JOE! LOOK OUT! Felix has Hornet from behind and drags him up, WAIT! VICTORY ROLL! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! NO! Kickout! Hornet and Felix getting up, Hornet with a double leg takedown and he’s going for the Scorpion! YESSSSSSSSSSS! HORNET’S GOT FELIX IN THE SCORPION! FELIX HAS NOWHERE TO GO!"

(CUTTO: JTP detaching himself out of the ladder with a howl of pain as the razorwire pulls on his head and arms. He gets himself in jousting position, readjusts his barbed wire halo and charges to crowd cheers!)

O’CONNOR: (over crowd roars!) "JTP AIN’T GOIN’ DOWN! He rams the ladder into Hornet’s lower back! That breaks up the submission on Felix and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CHEERS!) OHHHHHHHH! HE JUST JACKHAMMERED THE LADDER ONTO THE BACK OF FELIX’S HEAD! Hornet’s turned around and spins Joe around, they’re fighting for the ladder!"

H’WOOD: "What the freak is going on now!?"

(CUTTO: JTP backpedaling in shock, removing the wire halo, holding up his hands and pleading with HORNET who looks confused. JTP points at HORNET, "John Trojan knows ya brother…he saw you take down THE GREAT WALL IN ’82! YA FRAKKIN’ DID IT ON U-62, JOHN TROJAN REMEMBAHS YA!" JTP falls to his knees, bowing down as the crowd starts booing!)

O’CONNOR: "I…I…what the freak is going on?"

H’WOOD: "Don’t ask me!"

O’CONNOR: (over groans!) "Hornet with a boot to the head! Hard right! Another right! Hornet grabbing JTP and another hard right hand! JTP is on the ropes, half goosestep half stumble and Hornet whirls him around…another right hand! Irish Whip by Hornet and WATCH OUT! (crowd pop!) RUNNING CLOTHESLINE! JTP LANDED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD! Hornet pacing around waiting for Joe to get up again…HERE WE GO! (loud cheer!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE! Joe’s going spastic as he rumbles back up…OH! Right hand by Hornet! Another hard right! ANOTHER! Joe’s staggering around the ring and Hornet’s grabbing the ladder… (crowd starts getting loud!) He’s leaning it vertically against the turnbuckles and Joe’s charging at him, OH! (groans!) Hornet moves out of the way and Joe smacks against the ladder…OH! Joe gets cracked with another hard right from Hornet! Another! Hornet grabs Joe and sends him packing across the ring, WATCH OUT! (crowd gets loud!) AVALANCHE CLOTHESLINE! Hornet with another Irish Whip! (CRACK! CROWD GETS VERY LOUD!) JOE’S ON THE LADDER! HERE COMES HORRRRRRRRNET! (LOUD CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HORRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH AGAINST THE LADDER! OHMYYYYYGAHHHHHHHHD!"

(CUTTO: JTP hopping like a mad rabbit away from the ladder, spinning wildly, swinging crazily at the air and finally faceflopping on the mat. STEVE KNOX gets up wearily and ends up getting clotheslined out of the ring by Hornet as JTP gets up once more…shouting spastically, his eyes crossing and a viciously follow-up faceflop.)

H’WOOD: "Joe’s REALLY selling the moment here."

O’CONNOR: "Well, I don’t know if he’s going to want to buy this… (crowd gets loud!) Hornet’s got his legs… (CROWD ROARS!) YESSSSSSSSSS! SCORPION DEATHLOCK! HORNET’S GOT THE CHAMP LOCKED, STOCKED AND BARRELLED IN THE IMMORTAL SUBMISSION!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing up and shouting at JOE to get out of the hold…)

H’WOOD: "This can’t be happening! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!"

O’CONNOR: (over crowd screams!) "Referee Herpin’s back in the ring, he’s asking Joe if he wants to quit!"

(CLOSEUP: JTP screaming and hollering! "JOHN TROJAN CAN’T FLY AGAINST DA HORNET! WHY DIDN’T JOE TELL ME!? JOE, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!?")

O’CONNOR: (over LOUDER screams!) "THIS IS SURREAL! THIS IS HISTORIC! JOE’S RAISING HIS HAND TO TAP, I THINK HE’S GONNA DO IT! (LOUD ROARS!) Wait! Wait! FELIX IS UP! He’s on the apron…and LOOKIT THIS! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SPRINGBOARD LEG LARIAT ENZIGUIRI! HORNET’S DOWN!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD falling into his seat with a huge sigh, him and MONTY do a no-look high-five together.)

O’CONNOR: "Felix getting up slowly… (crowd gets loud again!) …but I don’t know if he’s going to want to get up at all! Stevens is in the ring with a chair! Felix is up and Stevens tosses the chair to him…"

H’WOOD: (over screams!) "WHY DO THEY ALWAYS CATCH IT!?"

O’CONNOR: (LOUD CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! X-DAMNATION! A SUPERKICK INTO THE CHAIR! IT JUST CRACKED OFF FELIX’S HEAD!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and MONTY slapping a high-ten in the Presidential Suite…)

O’CONNOR: "I guess we know who they’re rooting for at this point! We’re just crossing the forty minute mark in this match, Lamont…and we might be witnessing the historic end! Stevens falls to his knees and crawls on top of Felix! THIS HAS TO BE IT!"

H’WOOD: "You’re damn right it is! There’s NO WAY anyone can get out of this!"

O’CONNOR: (w/ crowd screams!) "ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEENO! (CROWD ROARS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! HORNET BREAKS IT UP! HORNET PULLED STEVENS OFF! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD kicking his legs frantically in his chair. MONTY wincing and shaking his head in pain for… CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS who is looking up wild-eyed at the ref, who’s holding up two fingers…and then back at HORNET who’s lying facedown on the mat.)

O’CONNOR: "There…There can’t be a winner in conditions like this. There just can’t be! Sean Stevens is getting up, he’s tired, wired…and grabbing that chair again!"

H’WOOD: "We may see some honey splat on our clothes, Beanfry!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s getting up slowly, Stevens is tapping that chair on the mat…anything goes, anything can happen…HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD ROARS!) HORNET DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY! HORNET’S OUT OF THE RING!"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET pacing around the ring, smiling like a cheshire cat at STEVENS who’s yelling and slamming the chair across the top rope. STEVENS notices JTP getting up slowly in the turnbuckles and with a violent revolution…CRACK! CROWD: "OHHHHHHHHHHHH!")

O’CONNOR: "OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! (LOUD BOOS!) STEVENS BROKE THE CHAIR OVER JOE’S HEAD! THE SEAT CUSHION’S OUT! JOE’S WEARING A NECKLACE!"

H’WOOD: "And it ain’t the kind he had to wear to get inside Shane Southern’s cardboard box along Bourbon Street!"

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s eyes are lolling in the back of his head, but Sean Stevens is still focused on Hornet who was on the ring apron…hold on, Stevens is rolling out of the ring adjacent to Hornet’s side. LOOK OUT! (more boos!) Stevens is throwing a litany of chairs into the ring in frustration right now and Hornet even seems a little confused…"

H’WOOD: "NFW does this to a man, Beanfry. You name me an NFW World Champion, I’ll name a man that went completely mad in this federation and didn’t last at the top too much longer. That’s why Joe’s closing in on the most impressive reign in history, he was ALREADY off the reservation!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens stalking around ringside as Hornet’s backpedaling a bit and trying to survey exactly what is going on here…meanwhile, back in the ring…as if things couldn’t get more dangerous, a chair-necklaced champion is trying to stand himself against a barbed wire ladder. Surrounding him, must be four or five chairs…"

(CUTTO: STEVENS closing in on HORNET, also pointing at him. His face is red, there’s blood slightly pouring from his nose… STEVENS: "THAT’S IT! How many times are you going to keep me from taking what’s RIGHTFULLY MINE!? You gave up the THRONE a long time ago, you geritol-streaming, Cialis and Oxycotone popping impotent has-been! I’M ENDING YOUR CAREER TONIGHT!")

O’CONNOR: "…and now, Lamont…we can only say this…Hornet and Felix may be the sanest guys left in this thing."

(CUTTO: The Presidential Suite, MAYFIELD stroking his chin nervously as MONTY makes a cuckoo motion and shake of the head towards COJONES. An aide runs into the area, delivering a PSP to Eddie…who doesn’t turn around, instead starts flipping and shuffling it around nervously in his hands.)

H’WOOD: "We’re at forty minutes, Beanfry. As irrational as Stevens looks, this COULD work out. ‘Cause Hornet’s not looking back towards the ring, his sane thinking is that if he draws Stevens away from the ring…there’s less interference."

O’CONNOR: "Hornet seems to be avoiding the entrance ramp, instead…yes, lookit this. (crowd gets loud!) HORNET IS OVER THE BARRICADE AND INTO THE CROWD! Stevens is looking at what just happened incredulously, he doesn’t believe Hornet’s gone in there…"

H’WOOD: "Something smells funny, Beanfry!"

O’CONNOR: "Back inside the ring, Steve Knox is standing up…so is Felix Red, who’s got a chair in his hand! (CRACK!) OH! RIGHT TO THE FOREHEAD OF KNOX! That’s completely busted him open! WOW!"

(CUTTO: STEVENS looking at inside the ring, where KNOX is standing on rubber legs as FELIX leans himself against the ropes. FELIX is blinking like he’s concussed, catching wind then jumps and CRACK! CHAIR ASSISTED DROPKICK!)

O’CONNOR: (over roars!) "OHHHHHHHHH! Felix planted that, he’s going for the cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Knox with a BIG kickout!"

(CUTTO: STEVENS looking for HORNET in the crowd, unable to find him. Looking back at the ring, then rushing over towards REFEREE BRUCE PHILLIPS and grabbing him! The crowd gets LOUD as STEVENS shoves him into the crowd, pushing him along as he goes HORNET hunting! The crowd’s volume gets even louder in anticipation, while some brave souls toss their drink at STEVENS! Security immediately jumps into the fray, dragging them away from the action and keeping a perimeter around PHILLIPS and STEVENS. CUTTO: Back in the ring! FELIX setting up the chair in the middle of the ring to sit on…)

H’WOOD: "Forty-five minutes, Beanfry. The audience can say what they want about this place, but even they have to admit…that’s a long time to keep it IN THE RING for this match."

O’CONNOR: "And you would’ve guessed Joe or Felix would be the first to try it, but it’s the veterans…the champion pedigreed superstars that have been at odd for a decade. Hornet and Poison Ivy were once in love, she’s now married to Sean Stevens who since this decade began has looked at Hornet as someone that’s held him back, under the proverbial glass ceiling…and quite possibly the man he hates the most in his wrestling career, let alone the personal life situation which probably hurts Hornet more."

H’WOOD: "So…you’re just saying they’re the two we should’ve expected this from in the first minute."

O’CONNOR: "Yep! But maybe it’s going to be Felix Red in the ring…completely in control of the situation and now sending Steve Knox off the ropes and (CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHH! DROP TOE-HOLD ONTO THE CHAIR! Man, it’s like it’s just a roadblock in Knox’s mind…he’s pushing himself up, I thought that broke his jaw!"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS leading PHILLIPS around like a fullback through the crowd, his eyes darting everywhere as someone shouts, "IT’S JUST LIKE ’99, STEVENS! ONLY YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING HIM IN YOUR BEDROOM!" STEVENS turns around violently and screams "WHO SAID THAT!? WHO THE F—" Out of nowhere, HORNET pops through security and behind Triple X, cinching in a Dragon Sleeper!"

O’CONNOR: "HOLY SAM FISHER! WHERE’D!? HOW!?"

H’WOOD: "Rumour has it that him and Randalls were born in 1887 and were part of some WEAPON-X project…"

O’CONNOR: "Well, I wouldn’t go that far and Sean Stevens might not either! Back in the ring, Steve Knox is…sitting in the chair. His head is sooooooooo damaged right now that he’s just sitting in the chair and whimpering! (WHAP!) OHHHHH! FELIX KICK TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! Knox is lolling, Felix is on the apron…SPRINGBOARD! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX MOVED JUST IN TIME! FELIX SPREADEAGLES THE TOP OF THE CHAIR!"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS falling to a knee as HORNET maintains the Cobra Clutch cinched Sleeper Hold, leaning all his weight forward. FELIX RED, in the ring, stands up slowly as STEVE KNOX rushes in…)

O’CONNOR: "Knox with a bear hug! NO! (CROWD ROARS!) NORTHERN LIGHT SUPLEX! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (MORE ROARS! GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOO! JOE WITH A DOUBLE LEGDROP ACROSS THE BRIDGE!"

H’WOOD: "I think Joe is on pure fumes, Beanfry! He hasn’t even moved since hitting it…Knox looks like he’s coughing out a little alien in there."

O’CONNOR: "Outside the ring, fans are going wild! Triple X is on both knees now, he may have let his anger get the best of him! Referee Bruce Phillips raising his arm once…IT DROPS! Phillips raising it twice…IT DR—NO. Stevens keeps up the arm, Triple-X continuing to fight the sleeper hold…Stevens up to a knee…"

H’WOOD: "Hornet may be too tired to really cinch that sucker in or even worse, he’s not choking him."

O’CONNOR: "Nice. Inside the ring, Joe’s crawling back to that corner with the chair…and pulling himself up rung by rung. Knox is holding his ribs, trying to stand up with the ropes…Stevens now pushing himself up to his feet, outside the ring…somewhere in front of section 20. Hold the phone, I think he’s got the back of Hornet’s head…Hornet may want to hit the eject button!"

H’WOOD: "Stevens is smart enough to tightly lock those fingers of his into Hornet’s hair…no matter how 80’s buzzcut he likes it."

O’CONNOR: "Hornet trying to whirl Stevens around violently, NO! (GROANS!) JAWBREAKER COUNTER! Hornet’s sleeper is broken, but the legend didn’t go down! Stevens quickly using some security to help him up and here comes Hornet, NO! (BOOS!) Stevens pulls another security crew into the fray, Hornet bounces off him and Stevens gets a rake of the eyes! (BOOS!) Another rake! (BOO!) Stevens with a hard right! Kick to the side of the leg and LOOK OUT! (MORE BOOS!) Stevens rams Hornet headfirst into the nearby guardrail!"

(CUTTO: JTP rolling around the ring, the ropes holding him up and the chair hanging from his neck. KNOX seems to be slowly trying to follow him with a chair, pulling himself up via the ladder.)

O’CONNOR: "Stevens with another ram into the guardrail! He’s going for a third, NO! (cheers!) Hornet with a side elbow counter! (BOOS!) Stevens with an old-timey backrake, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t just send Hornet to his knees!"

H’WOOD: "Sean Stevens is one of the last superstar champion pedigreed wrestlers with ties to the way Eddie Mayfield likes to see his wrestling, Beanfry. You call that old-timey, but we call that ART."

O’CONNOR: "Stevens with a kick to Hornet’s back and that sends the icon down to the parquet floor…they’re now actually getting past the back of the first area of floor admission seats…and heading towards places I don’t even want to think about."

H’WOOD: "You could say that metaphorically, but with the mental and physical states of everyone involved, I’d say we’re just heading for the top of the mountain. ‘Cause soon, somebody’s gonna take a LONG FALL."

O’CONNOR: "Stevens has Hornet…and OOF! He just hogtossed him into the guardrail, back in the ring…Joe’s cornered Knox and seems to be trying to mash him down with some right hands, Joe’s bleeding a lot…so is Knox. I don’t know if these guys can even stay conscious. Joe grabs Knox by the arm and hold up, IRISH WHIP! NO! REVERSED! (CRASH! GROANS!) OH! Joe couldn’t stop himself and just might’ve moved the ring eastwards six inches! Knox has him by the arm again and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRACK! LOUDER GROANS!) IRISH WHIP CHESTFIRST INTO THE LADDER! JOE’S ON DREAMSTREET AND KNOX GRABS BACK HIS CHAIR! (LOUD THWACK! LOUD GROANS!) CROWD/O’CONNOR: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHMYGAHHHHHHHD!"

(CLOSEUP: JTP somehow…someway…STANDING. He’s trying to walk, dipping deep on each plant of his foot…a SECOND metal chair now draped around his neck. He’s trying to maintain his balance, his legs quivering and his eyes going into REM REPEAT!)

H’WOOD: "Somewhere, there’s a headless man in heaven from the French Revolution that’s thinking…well, at least that didn’t happen to my head."

O’CONNOR: "Knox is grabbing Joe’s old barbed wire halo from the ground…he’s putting it around his right arm! He slams it against the ladder and ALLLLLLLL ABOARRRRRRRRRRRD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH FOUR! GOLD RUSH FOURRRRRRRRRRRRR! HEART’S ON FIRE! HEART’S ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!"

H’WOOD: "John Cafferty did name the Beaver Brown Band after Joe’s mom, THIS IS ONLY FITTING."

O’CONNOR: "With AWESOME desire, Steve Knox goes for the pin! HERPIN’S MAKING THE COUNT! ONNNNNNNNE! WAIT A MINUTE."

(CUTTO: FELIX RED climbing to the top rope to crowd screams! HERPIN slapping his hand w/ the crowd shouting "TWOOOOOOOOOOOO!")

O’CONNOR: "FELIX MAY NOT STOP IT IN TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME! THRRREEEEEEEEE (LOUD CRASH!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! SHATTERED HORIZON SWANTON BOMMMMMMMMMB!"

CROWD: "FEEEEEEEEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEEEEEEEELIX!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD playing Muramasa: Demon Blade on the PSP, his fingers mashing furiously as he steals quick glances to the ring...pausing to see this.)

H’WOOD: "This is what I was afraid of, Sean can’t break this up!"

O’CONNOR: "Felix is still hurting himself, unable to take advantage right away of the utter destruction he just brought upon Joe the Plumber and Steve Knox! Felix pulling off Knox and covering Joe! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) JOE KICKS OUT! FELIX LANDS ACROSS STEVE KNOX, WHO’S ON HIS BACK! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRREEEEEEEEEENO! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! KNOX KICKS OUT!"

CROWD:: "THAT WAS AWESOME! (claps!) THAT WAS AWESOME!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD blowing out a sigh of relief, tapping the PSP on his knees. MONTY watching intently down below, back and to the left, where spotlights are tuned on HORNET and STEVENS.)

O’CONNOR: "I don’t know how much we all can take of this! What a match so far!"

H’WOOD: "And Joe still has those chairs around his neck, I don’t think landing on them has done him any favors."

O’CONNOR: "Speaking of favors, Sean Stevens is giving Hornet one hell of a tour of the Garden…they’re making their way towards a tarped tunnel area, which I’m not even sure where that’s leading."

(CUTTO: HORNET staggering around, leaning up against a cement wall where NFW fans are trying to reach down from the second level to touch him. As he turns around, SEAN STEVENS barrels into him with a vicious kick!)

O’CONNOR: "OH! Stevens with a hard kick to Hornet’s sternum and LOOK OUT! (crowd groans!) He just smacked Hornet’s head against the wall and that sent the iconic legend staggering away…STEVENS FROM BEHIND! (more groans!) Running Bulldog on the parquet floor! Stevens covering and Bruce Phillips making the count! ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Hornet with a kickout and Stevens lets out a yell of frustration, he’s got Hornet by the hair…OOH! Vicious knee to the head! Another! (cheers!) Hornet fires back with a wild right that connects and catches Stevens by surprise! Another right from Hornet! Kick to the gut! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) LOOKIT THIS! (CROWD ROARS!) DEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET SPIKED STEVENS ON THE PARQUET FLOOR! HE ROLLS HIM OVER! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (crowd screams!) OHHHHHHHH! Stevens with a kickout just before the three count!"

H’WOOD: "If one of these two would just hook the tights or find some ether, we’d be able to get home at a decent time!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet getting up slowly…back in the ring, it’s a complete trainwreck. Felix Red is trying to gather himself as Steve Knox and Joe the Plumber aren’t even moving. Hornet grabbing Stevens by the hair…and they’re going through that makeshift tarp-covered tunnel, we’re gonna need a few more cameramen to keep up with them."

H’WOOD: "Maybe Eddie had a special hire this week…a man can dream!"

O’CONNOR: "Meanwhile, Felix is dragging the current champion to the middle of the ring, chair necklaces and all the warts involved…OH! (groans!) Double Stomp! Oh! (more groans!) Double Kneedrop across the sternum…man, Joe’s getting torn apart! Felix up and grabbing a couple more of those chairs that Triple X deposited in the ring…he’s now dumping them on Joe, I think we’re about to see something lethal! (crowd gets loud!) Oh man, he’s covering Joe’s face with that last chair."

H’WOOD: "It’s like blindfolding the executionee…I like that style!"

O’CONNOR: (over crowd roars!) "Felix running off the ropes, here he comes… (crowd screams!) SPRINGBOARD! (CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! CORKSCREW MOONSAULT! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! JOE’S ON THE FRITZ! FELIX ROLLING AROUND IN A LOT OF PAIN!"

H’WOOD: "That’s why you can’t trust Felix as your champion, Beanfry. Unlike my son or anyone in Dynasty he has no care for his own well-being…and I’m not even talking about the excessive drug use right now."

O’CONNOR: "Felix making his way over to the champion and he covers! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRRNO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKED OUT! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!"

H’WOOD: "I have no answers at this point, Beanfry…NONE. This man is running on something none of us could ever understand."

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET battering STEVENS with overhand right hands as they push through the tunnel, where NFW and Boston Garden staff are trying to clear out of the way. HORNET rams STEVENS headfirst into a metal post holding up the tarp covering.)

O’CONNOR: "Y’know, if I’m not mistaken…those two could be heading towards are backstage and back parking lot production area."

H’WOOD: "Just wonderful. We’re gonna be on the news for a murder."

O’CONNOR: "Meanwhile, Felix is dragging Joe up to his feet…those chairs still dangling off his neck. His face is SHREDDED, he looks absolutely nasty right now…Felix leaning him against the ladder… (WHAP!) Oh! Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Another Felix Kick! (WHAP! WHAP!) Joe’s getting blasted with those signature kicks, shaking like he’s taking machine gun fire! Felix grabs a chair…OH NO! (LOUD THWACK! CROWD SCREAMS!) FELIX BROKE THE CHAIR OVER JOE’S HEAD! THAT’S THE THIRD ONE!"

H’WOOD: "I don’t think he’s done…"

O’CONNOR: "Felix backing up…HE’S CH—WAIT! KNOX WITH A ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! Wow, where did Knox come from!?"

(CLOSEUP: JTP’s eyes blinking spastically, his cheeks puffing out as blood spittle flies frenetically out of his mouth. He starts shaking uncontrollably, his skin matching the blood covering his face. CUTTO: HORNET and STEVENS tumbling over a table, knocking over a huge water jug in the process.)

O’CONNOR: "Felix and Knox getting up quickly and (WHAP!) OH! Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Another! Felix bounces off the ropes and HURRRRRRRRRRRRICAN—(CROWD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOO! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) SPINNING POWERRRRRRRRRRRRBAHHHHHHHHMB! KNOX COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! NO! Felix just kicks out in time!"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS grabbing a chair and swinging it at HORNET, who ducks out of the way! The chair caroms off the wall and rebounds with a smack into STEVENS’ face! HORNET fires off a couple of right hands causing STEVENS to drop the chair and stagger away…)

O’CONNOR: "Steve Knox is going to give himself a heart attack at any moment, I don’t know how a man can survive coming so close to victory so many times!"

(CUTTO: JTP all of a sudden screaming, "JOHN TROJANNNNNNNNNNNNN! YOU KILLED MY DADDY!" JOE falls to his knees and starts weeping as the chairs dangle, "You killed my pa…" QUICK CUTTO: STEVE KNOX’s attention darting directly towards JTP and he bounces up into action…)

O’CONNOR: "Knox on his feet and he’s setting his sights on the champ! Right hand! Right hand!"

H’WOOD: "I don’t know if that’s affecting him too much."

O’CONNOR: "Knox with a kick to the head! Another kick!"

(CLOSEUP: JTP shaking off the kick from a wide-eyed KNOX, the chairs dangling around his neck. JOE: "TROJAN KILLED MY DADDY!" KNOX hits a right hand! JOE: "TROJAN TOOK HIM TO DA DRAGON!" KNOX with a big kick! JOE: "TROJANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" With that, JTP looks up BUG-EYED at KNOX who’s own raging insanity is starting to subdue in the face of one he realizes is on way, way, way, way many less…yet powerful brain cells.)

H’WOOD: "I haven’t seen the gleam of such hatred in someone’s eyes since the time I saw your wife in the homemade honeymoon video!"

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s standing up! I don’t know how! Knox with a right! (roars!) No effect! Knox with a tornado right! (ROARS!) NO EFFECT! Knox off the ropes! OHHHHHHH! (LOUD ROARS!) ROARING ELBOW…AND IT’S LIKE A FLY GLANCING OFF A WINDSHIELD!"

H’WOOD: "Or off someone that’s siphons off its cleaning fluid ‘cause they think it’s full of Vitamin B!"

(CLOSEUP: JTP with his teeth gnashing, stalking out towards KNOX who’s clawing at his own face in anger. KNOX: "WHY…WON’T…YOU…DIE!?!?" JTP howls back in laughter. JTP: "LET’S GO TROJAN! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN! IF YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE BEE, YOU CAN’T LAST ONE SECOND WITH JTP!")

O’CONNOR: "Knox with a right! Joe with a right! Knox! Joe! Knox! Joe! Knox! Joe!"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET and STEVENS battling near a double-door, HORNET with a right! STEVENS with a right!)

O’CONNOR: "Hornet! Joe! Knox! Stevens! Joe! Hornet! Stevens! Knox! Everyone’s throwing a fistful of dollars! Hornet! Joe! Knox! If you’re watching on both screens, you’re seeing something surreal…OH! (BOOS!) Knox and Stevens both deliver pokes to the eyes at the same time! Knox has one of those chairs and LOOK OUT! Joe gets tossed into the ladder! Meanwhile, Stevens grabbing Hornet and WHOA! (LOUD CHEERS!) He just threw him through the doorway and SWEET MARY."

H’WOOD: "There’s enough glass in there to build a ceiling that could even keep Hornet down!"

O’CONNOR: "They’ve spilled into the production cargo room that’s just outside…well, I won’t even go there. Knox bashing Joe’s head into the ladder, but Joe fires with a back elbow and OH BOY! (CHEERS!) Joe’s raking Knox’s head on some of those barbed wire rungs…that’s not gonna keep his dermatologist happy! Joe with an Irish Whip, NO! REVERSED! NO! (CRASH! LOUD GROANS!) SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE BY KNOX! AND I THINK JOE BROKE HIS NECK ON THE CHAIRS HANGING OFF OF HIM!"

H’WOOD: "Did I already make a French Revolution joke in this match?"

O’CONNOR: "We’re closing in on ONE HOUR of action. We’re closing in on HISTORY. Therefore, like much of NFW’s, I’ve already repressed anything you’ve said out of my memory, Woodman!"

H’WOOD: "Hey!"

O’CONNOR: "Sean Stevens…he’s got the look of a kid in a house of candy…that he potentially knows could explode, collapse and kill him all the while. Hornet’s on all fours and OOF! That’ll help Stevens out some, a vicious kick to the ribs. Stevens…(CROWD GETS LOUD!) well, he’s not in any old cargo room for production equipment…he’s in NFW’s!"

H’WOOD: "Machete section, aisle 3!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens has a baseball bat! He’s got it over his head! (LOUD ROARS!) GORRRRRRRRRRRRE! HORNET POPPED OUT WITH A CRUSHING GORE! That’s nothing, but cement that Triple-X’s head cracked off of! HORNET’S COVERING! HE’S GOT STEVENS HOOKED! There’s Bruce Phillips with the signature Powerslide! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! (Crowd wolf whistles!) NO! Stevens kicks out!"

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX bent at the hips, hands on his knees. His eyes staring wildly at JTP who’s getting up slowly to his feet. The crowd starts getting loud as KNOX keeps motioning for JOE to face him…)

O’CONNOR: "This…CUE UP THE IMPERIAL MARCH! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH EPISODE FIIIIIIIIIIVE! THE AWESOME STRIKES BACK! THE AWESOME STRIKES BACK! JOE’S OUT! HE’S GOTTA BE!"

(CLOSEUP: KNOX popping to his feet and screaming, "JOHN TROJAN DIDN’T KILL YOUR DADDY! I AM YOUR DADDY!" KNOX falls over and crawls over to JTP, emphatically hooking the leg as REFEREE HERPIN slides in!)

O’CONNOR: "THE AWESOME AGE IS UPON US! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRED! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX RED’S GOT KNOX BY THE LEGS!"

H’WOOD: "That was it! It was over! Joe didn’t kick out!"

O’CONNOR: "OHNO! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX STRETCH! FEEEEEEEELIX (Regal) STRETCH! KNOX IS TRAPPED!"

H’WOOD: "Steve Knox is sooooooooo gonna beat up a hooker tonight. You can just tell he’s going into the life of KVC after this."

O’CONNOR: "Felix Red is on the verge of winning the NFW World Championship…hold that dial…"

(CUTTO: HORNET grabbing a light tube fixture and cracking it over STEVENS’ head to crowd roars! STEVENS eyes cross as he falls from his knees to straight on his face. HORNET grabs two concrete blocks and drags a plate of glass onto it, the crowd getting EXTREMELY loud! CUTTO: KNOX trying to crawl towards the ropes, while RED pulls back with all he’s got…)

O’CONNOR: "This thing could end at the same time, this thing could end either way…the fans are on the edges of their seats. So is President Mayfield, so am I! Hornet’s bringing up Stevens…OH SWEET MARY! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) URRRRRRRRRRANAGEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET PUT STEVENS THROUGH THE GLASS!"

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD’s bugging out, he points at COJONES and motions for him to take off. QUICK CUTTO: KNOX grabbing the ropes, but REFEREE HERPIN not starting the five-count!)

O’CONNOR: "Apparently, Steve Knox really didn’t read the memo because ANYTHING GOES! He thought that’d break the hold, but we can’t disqualify anyone!"

H’WOOD: "Give the man a break, he’s had six concussions in this match alone!"

O’CONNOR: "And now…(CROWD ROARS!) HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHLLLLLORDY MERCY ME! (LOUD BOOS!) SEAN STEVENS PUNTED HIM IN THE BALLS!"

H’WOOD: "That’s why I’m taking a shine to the guy, Beanfry…you want to lambast that move, but he’s the one getting blasted through panes of glass! Hornet’s drinking the cyanide, he has to protect himself!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens is howling in pain, but he made Hornet collapse to the ground…and Felix Red…Knox is fading out! (crowd gets loud!) KNOX IS FADING OUT! Knox getting his arm raised ONCE…IT DROPS! (CROWD ROARS!) TWICE…OH WAIT! JOE! IT DROPPED! A THIRD… (CROWD EXPLOSION!) JOE HAS FELIX! HE HAS HIS LEG HOOKED IN A CRADLE! (CRASH! CHEERS!) BACK SUPLEX! JOE’S CINCHED IN A PIN! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! (wolf whistles from the crowd!) Felix kicks out in the nick of time!"

H’WOOD: "Sean Stevens now has the opportunity to turn the tide for the rest of this match. The guys in the ring are going to kill each other, he’s got Old Yeller alone…PULL OUT THE GUN!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens may be getting cocked and loaded, alright! (crowd gets loud! CUTTO: Some fans eyes WIDENING big-time as they are watching the backstage action on the FRONTIERtron.) STEVENS has a metal pipe! The echo on that is gonna make Venom implode if he’s in the arean tonight! (CLANG! LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHH! RIGHT ACROSS THE BACK OF HORNET! Did you hear that off the cement?!"

H’WOOD: "He went right after the back of Hornet, that’s a huge deal! (CLANG!) THAT’S RIGHT! CRACK IT LIKE MOMMA CARLTON ON A LOBSTER!"

O’CONNOR: "Thank you for that vivid imagery…and now, hold on…what’s Stevens doing with that cement block?"

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ eyes gleaming maniacally and possibly on 3 snorted grams of XXXtasy! He hoists up the cement block and the CROWD SCREAMS!)

O’CONNOR: "OHHHHHHHHHHHH! HE JUST DROPPED IT ON HORNET! HORNET’S GRABBING HIS LOWER LEG! WHAT WAS SEAN STEVENS THINKING!?"

(STEVENS paces back and forth, while HORNET screams and growls in extreme pain, clutching at his lower right leg. STEVENS nods, "YOU WANT TO WALK IN MY SHOES, PAUL!? THIS IS WHAT THIS HELLHOLE PULLED ON MY ASS LAST TIME! LET’S SEE YOU BREAK THIS CEILING, BIT(BLEEP!)H!")

O’CONNOR: "OHNO! Stevens is stomping viciously on the lower right leg! Who could forget the FIRST-ever National Championship Series and the FINAL that Sean Stevens qualified in. Only in NFW could a chairshot to Stevens’ ankle be par for the course, but later reports showed that Stevens FRACTURED his ankle in the match…falling prey to Teresa Quaranta (CLANG! GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! …and it’s all coming to fruition right now! No, Sean…NO…"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET’S lower leg and ankle being placed on the cement block as STEVENS keeps a boot on HORNET’s chest…CUTTO: JTP coming to and seeing the action on the FRONTIERtron himself…)

O’CONNOR: "DON’T DO THIS, SEAN! (CLANG! CLANG! CROWD: "OHHHHHHHHH!" HORNET violently screams!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! Stevens just spiked and chopped down on Hornet’s leg! He HAD to of broken something! Hold on…what’s Stevens doing he’s got Hornet’s boot, he’s ripping it off! LOOK OUT! OH! Stevens with a stomp on Hornet’s head!"

(CUTTO: JTP pacing around the ring, the chairs hanging off his neck…he’s gnashing his teeth. Suddenly, he points at the screen and yells, "HORRRRRRRNET! JOE’S A COMIN’! I AIN’T AFRAID LIKE MY DADDY’S KILLAH, JOHN TROJAN!" JTP suddenly exits the ring and starts storming up the aisleway, straddling himself up and over the guardrail and into the crowd to roars!)

O’CONNOR: "Joe better get there before Sean Stevens snaps his leg in half! What’s Stevens got now!? (CROWD GETS LOUD!) He’s got two of those tube fixtures waving around like Big Papi Ortiz! (GLASS SHATTER! CROWD: "OHHHHHHHHHHH!") OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! HE JUST BUSTED THEM OVER HORNET’S BARE FOOT! SEAN STEVENS HAS LOST HIS GODFORSAKEN MIND! (LOUD SCREAMS!) He’s stomping the broken glass into Hornet’s barefoot, he’s sick! He’s twisted!"

H’WOOD: "He’s on the verge of becoming the first NFW World Heavyweight Champion since Armando Montezuma that this company can be proud of!"

O’CONNOR: "Back in the ring, Felix Red and Steve Knox are getting up…Red looks like he wants to follow Joe, but Knox reels him in from behind! FULL NELSON! NO! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) DRAGON SUPLEX! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! FELIX KICKED OUT! KNOX CAN’T BELIEVE IT! He’s arguing with referee Greg Herpin, now grabbing him by the shirt! Herpin just slapped his hands off and is pointing in his grill…Knox better be careful here!"

H’WOOD: "You mean Herpin should…you don’t put your finger in a crazy man’s face! Steve Knox has nothing left in the tank of sanity that’d been on fumes since he met Joe the Plumber!"

(CUTTO: JOE shoving people aside as he walks through the tunnel and screaming "STEVENS! I smell your perfume! I snatched it up one day, while you were workin’ out in some 24 hour 7/11 with weights and basketball courts! YOUR HEAT ACTIVATED PERFUME IS LEADIN’ JOE, UGHHHHHHHHHHHN! TO HIS DESTINY FORESEEN! TROJAN, YOU WATCHIN’! UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU WATCHIN’!??"

QUICK CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS his eyes watching the hallways where he can hear some distant shouting. His head surveys the room and then smiles even larger…He starts tipping over fluorescent tubes, light fixtures, a box of thumbtacks onto the production room’s floor…)

O’CONNOR: "What is Sean Stevens doing right now? He’s got Hornet’s other foot, he’s ripping off that boot…what in the hell is he thinking!? Now, he’s grabbing Hornet he’s got him up in a scoop position…LOOK OUT! (CROWD GROANS!) An avalanche slam into the wall and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRACK! HE JUST SLAMMED HIM THROUGH THAT BOX OF…well, what in the…"

H’WOOD: "Well, now we know where ALL the thumbtacks were…"

O’CONNOR: "In the ring…WHOA! (crowd boos!) Knox just shoved referee Greg Herpin! (CHEERS!) HERPIN SHOVES HIM BACK! NOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) KNOX WITH A RIGHT HAND! HE JUST HIT THE REF! OH NO! VICIOUS KNEESTRIKE TO THE FACE! He has COMPLETELY lost it…my god, Steve Knox…just jawjacked a referee. We’re officially in dark waters now."

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS surveying the room and hearing the hustle backstage near him getting louder…"HORRRRRRRRRNET!" can be heard on the distance and the other half of the screen, where JOE THE PLUMBER just yelled into the ladies bathroom. JTP adjusts his four-way chair necklace and then his tool belt, when one of them sees his blood dripping everywhere and lets out a spinequivering shriek that sends him staggering out.)

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting loud…) "Stevens now…well, he’s jumping and stomping around that room like he’s on G4’s Human Wrecking Balls, one of our new television sponsors at ESEN…"

H’WOOD: "Stevens actually is using some skills he’s refined through a decade of owning one of the finest wine vineyards and resorts in Southern Italy."

O’CONNOR: "Stop lying about him, Lamont…he’s a ruthless, sadistic individual…(crowd gets louder!) who now has that metal pipe in his hand and what the? (crowd buzzes!) He’s put that metal pipe through the double doorway handles that Hornet and him barreled through in the process…"

H’WOOD: "You know…this reminds me of something I’ve seen before…"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens…LOOK OUT! (GLASS SHATTER!) HOLY MARY MOTHER! HE’S DESTROYING THE WHOLE ROOM! Those were table length plates of glass! That whole floor…OHMYGOD."

H’WOOD: "Stevens is working the Nakatomi play! He’s…HA!"

O’CONNOR: "In the ring…Steve Knox has that halo of razorwire and for the second time in this match, he may be bringing the Gold Rush with it! Are we about see the SIXTH attempt? Felix is getting up…(crowd cheers!) OHHHHHHH! KNOX UP AND OVER THE TOP! FELIX DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY!"

H’WOOD: "I like that Knox is now throwing himself out there like a methed up conductor on a Great American Freight Train, but just because you can slice cars in half…you still have to see the cliff on the other side!"

(CUTTO: The door rumbling with the metal pipe through the handles. CUTTO: JTP outside the doors and shaking them, he starts kicking at the door! QUICK CUTTO: HORNET clutching at his leg and back, trying to lean against the wall all the way to the opposite side of where STEVENS is watching the door. CLOSEUP: STEVENS makes eye contact with HORNET and smiles…leaving to the unblocked doorway. STEVENS: "I’ll be watching." QUICK CUTTO: The door taking a huge bash from JOE’S shoulder! QUICK CUTTO: HORNET alone in the room, the crowd starting to get louder! The door takes a HUGE dent… CUTTO: JTP on the ground, getting back up quickly…and delivering another running shoulderblock to the door, almost busting it open!)

H’WOOD: "Hornet knows where Stevens is…Joe doesn’t and Hornet knows that and is barefoot and seconds away from wrestling Joe the Plumber…in a room full of shattered glass and thumbtacks. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF THE NAKATOMI." (starts clapping!)

O’CONNOR: "Sit down!"

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD watching on nervously, ARMANDO MONTEZUMA giving him an encouraging pat on the shoulder.)

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s on his feet…and he’s got a SEVERE limp, Lamont. He’s HURTING badly…"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET taking a few steps and screaming out loudly, falling down and grabbing at his feet immediately. Pieces of glass flutter off as the crowd buzzes about…then lets out another roar as the pipe gets unhinged by another JTP shoulderblock! HORNET rushes to his feet and makes his way towards the exit STEVENS used…but then the door makes a LOUD CRACK!)

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD ROARS!) "JOE’S THROUGH THE DOORS! Run Hornet! RUN IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!"

H’WOOD: "Make Lieutenant Dan proud!"

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD SCREAMS!) "JOE’S GOT HIM! He swivels Hornet around! Right hand! Kick to the gut! SH(bleep!)T RIVER PL—WHOA! MODIFIED FRANK ‘N PARSONS BY HORNET! Joe’s screaming like a banshee! He’s on his feet quickly and pointing at Hornet!"

(CLOSEUP: JTP in pointing position, "You seen what John Trojan can do, LEGEND? NOW UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU SEE WHAT THE FRAK JOE’S ALL ABOUT!")

O’CONNOR: "HERE COMES JOE! Hornet has to stand his ground, but Joe’s waylaid into him and shoving him backwards! Hornet hopping, his ankle…his barefeet…the glass everywhere, the thumbtacks…HE’S SCREWED. OH! Joe with a headbutt! Right hand! HOLD ON! Hornet’s got one of those chairs and spins Joe around! OHMYGAHD. (CRASH! CROWD ERUPTION!) SCORPION DEATHDROP! HE GOT JOE! HE’S GOT JOE! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRNO! NOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKED OUT! A BIG KICKOUT!"

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX getting up outside the ring and watching the FRONTIERtron, the surrounding crowd chanting "JOE! JOE! JOE!" He starts shaking, when suddenly he jumps up and vaults into the crowd. FELIX gathering his senses, watching KNOX…smiles and slowly rolls out of the ring. Slyly following, looking like his back is the worse for wear…)

O’CONNOR: "This…this is all getting interesting. Referee Greg Herpin is wincing big time…his mouth is bloody, but he’s gonna have to get up and follow those guys, if he wants to stay as an official in this match. Meanwhile, Hornet…can he even STAND? Can he even WALK out of this? Somehow, someway…he’s dodged a major bullet, but he can’t stay in there with Joe or in general."

(CLOSEUP: HORNET crawling towards the wall and the doorway…all of a sudden, SEAN STEVENS comes right through and blasts him with a kick to the head! STEVENS rips up HORNET to his feet, grabs his arm…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "OHNO! (CRASH! LOUD GROANS!) What a…HEARTLESS…ohmygod. Sean Stevens just Irish Whipped Hornet across the room, BAREFOOT on shattered glass, thumbtacks and god knows if his ankle is broken."

H’WOOD: "HA! Too bad he had to jump over Joe, I don’t think he’d have made it anyway!"

O’CONNOR: "Instead, he landed on his side…Stevens is out of the room again, Hornet’s yelling in an incredible amount of pain. Bruce Phillips looks light a frightened field mouse in the middle of a Herculean struggle of blood, guts and glory."

(CLOSEUP: HORNET standing up against the wall, completely on the opposite side of the exit towards STEVENS…HORNET makes eye contact with the other exit and then with JOE THE PLUMBER who’s getting up to his knees, tossing off the chair necklace and starting to shake his head. JOE: "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I didn’t realize this was a Rice Krispies covered floor match, ‘Ol Joe didn’t know the Hornet knew the rules of the Brooklyn Championships. ‘Ol Joe didn’t know that Hornet danced on wholesome grains of glass…UGHHHHN!")

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s on his feet, he’s making a motion for Hornet to bring it on…and Hornet’s just at a loss for what to do…"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET shaking his head, "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs...")

O’CONNOR: (over loud cheers!) "Hornet fires first! Right hand! Another hopping right! Joe blocks the next one and delivers a right hand of his own! Joe with a headbutt! Bionic Elbow and that almost buckled Hornet, WAIT! (LOUD BOOS!) OHHHHHHH! HORNET GRABBED A METAL PIPE AND SLAMMED JOE IN THE GUT WITH IT!"

(CUTTO: KNOX making his way through the tunnel, FELIX RED lagging a few carlengths behind…QUICK CUTTO: HORNET backing up with the pipe, the glass crunching under his feet…his body quivering in the shock of dealing with innumerable pain…)

O’CONNOR: "THIS…this feels like watching the first two HIGHLANDERS."

H’WOOD: "Agreed."

O’CONNOR: (over screams!) "HORNET SWINGS! (CLANG!) JOE DUCKED! Joe with a right! Another right! Kick to the gut, the metal pipe goes flying and into Joe’s hands! JOE SWINGS! (CROWD ROARS!) HORNET DUCKS AND CHARGES, BARRELING INTO JOE! LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRASH!) WHERE’D THEY GO!?"

(QUICK CUTTO: The Production parking lost. The night air getting jostled by HORNET and JOE THE PLUMBER tumbling into the fray, bashing against the side of a production truck! The crowd gets loud! There’s bloody footprints on the white pavement, while HORNET stands up JTP against the truck…)

O’CONNOR: "There they are! Hornet with a shoulderblock! ANOTHER! Sean Stevens has to be lurking out here, that has to be in the back of Hornet’s mind…here comes security and wait…THAT’S COJONES MERCADO."

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD watching the proceedings on the FRONTIERtron with an eagle-eye, MONTEZUMA eyeing him with curiosity.)

O’CONNOR: "But…still no sight of Sean Stevens. OOF! Another shoulderblock by Hornet! OH! Bionic Elbow from Joe sends Hornet staggering away…Hornet’s walking towards the front of the truck…LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) Joe with a shove from behind and Hornet’s head just took out the side mirror!"

H’WOOD: "Eddie’s gonna charge him for the insurance increase off that! That’s coming out of his paycheck…"

O’CONNOR: "Joe reeling Hornet up…scoops him up…and OOF! Slam on the pavement! Joe…Joe’s climbing up on the hood of truck! (CRASH! BOOS!) THERE’S STEVENS! He was underneath the truck and just pulled out Joe’s legs as he was climbing up, which caused Joe to jawjack himself on the hood! Joe staggering away, Stevens climbing on the hood… (LOUD SCREAMS!) GUILLOTINE LEGDROP ON HORNET! STEVENS COVERS! PHILLIPS COUNTING! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Joe boots Stevens off the pinfall attempt, Joe with another boot! He’s got Stevens by the hair and up on his feet, right hand by the champ! Another!"

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX walking through the cargo production area littered with glass and thumbtacks… KNOX: "Something AWESOME happened in here…")

O’CONNOR: "Stevens up on his feet and he’s bailing out towards the entrance to the truck. Joe’s following him up the steps and Stevens…oh come on! (boos!) He just grabbed and tossed a staff worker into Joe, then uses that distraction to crack a right hand to Joe’s temple! Another! Anot—NO! Joe blocks it! Headbutt! Bionic Elbow sends Stevens through the truck doors!"

(CUTTO: Inside the production truck, STEVENS staggering and then turning around right into another Bionic Elbow! STEVENS falls to the floor as JOE grabs a headset, takes a seat and shouts "UGHHHHHHN! NEXT ON J-T-P TV, WHO’S THE BOUSE!? UGHHHHHHHHN! Cut to camera 4!" All of a sudden, STEVE KNOX is in the truck and wrapping JTP around the throat with production wires!)

O’CONNOR: "KNOX IS ON THE SCENE! HE’S IN THE TRUCK! Knox dragging Joe out of the truck…"

(CUTTO: Back to the parking lot, where KNOX is pulling JTP out of the entrance, the champ’s arms flailing everywhere…)

O’CONNOR: "Joe with a back elbow to Knox’s gut! Knox staggers back and LOOK OUT! (cheers!) FELIX RED AT GROUND ZERO! Back body drop onto the cement! Knox is hurt! Joe trying to untangle the wires, but OHNO! (WHAP!) FELIX KICK! Right to the back of the head and Joe’s down! Felix is now picking up Joe by the hair…he’s carrying him along the trails of wire…they’re getting dangerously close to several electrical panels connected to those bevy of wires…"

H’WOOD: "This could be like the Temple of Doom powered by Thor…"

O’CONNOR: "What in the...(loud screams!) Felix is going to slam Joe headfirst into a Snakepit Panel, NO! Joe with a back elbow! Bionic Elbow! Another! Felix on dream street and Joe winds up another…BIONIC ELBOW! Felix hits the cement, but here comes Hornet! Hornet with a right! Another right! He’s got those wires and NOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS! SFX: CRACKLING ELECRTICITY!) JOE WENT HEADFIRST INTO THAT PANEL, SPARKS JUST FLEW EVERYWHERE! Joe’s staggering around, shaking spastically…Hornet’s won this way before in his first ever match against Mike Randalls! This could be it for the champ! Hornet’s lining him up for the Scorpion Deathdrop! WAIT! STEVENS IS ON THE TOP OF THE PRODUCTION TRUCK! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) STEVENS WITH A MISSILE DROPKICK ON HORNET!"

CROWD: "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!"

H’WOOD: "That’s going to be on magazine covers nationwide, Beanfry! I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!"

O’CONNOR: "Wait…NO FREAKING WAY! KNOX HAS JOE IN HIS SIGHTS! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD ROARS!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH SIX! THE UNDISCOVERED AWWESOMMMMMMME!"

H’WOOD: "I thought you’d be going FREDDY GOT FINGERED: THE AWESOME NIGHTMARE…"

O’CONNOR: "JOE’S OUT. He’s not moving. Knox collapses on him for the pin! ONNNNNNNNNE! (W/ CROWD!) TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD ROARS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! STEVENS WITH THE BREAKUP! HE’S GOT KNOX BY THE FOOT! (LOUD SCREAMS!) ESS TEEEEEEEEEEE EFF! S-T-F!"

H’WOOD: "Do you believe in miracles!? I think I might right now!"

O’CONNOR: "Steve Knox goes from one millimeter away from being the NFW World Champion to completely in the middle of one of the most random places for a wrestling submission! There are no ropes, there are no rules…and if there is no help soon, I don’t think Steve Knox is gonna break out of this!"

H’WOOD: "Nononononono! (LOUD CHEERS!) God freaking damnit!"

O’CONNOR: "Felix rushing in and stomping on Stevens from behind! Triple-X, the XXXtasy of Professional Wrestling now taking a barrage of stomps from Felix…what the, hold up… (CROWD ROARS!) Red’s on the car hood, Stevens is rushing up! MOONSAULT BODYPR—NO! STEVENS CATCHES HIM!"

H’WOOD: "This is poetry in motion, Beansprouts! (LOUD GROANS!) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!"

O’CONNOR: "SPINNING TOMBSTONE PIIIIIIIIIIIILEDRIVAH! Stevens makes a cutthroat motion and covers! ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) HORNET WITH THE SAVE! HORNET DIVES IN FOR THE SAVE! Stevens can’t believe it, I can’t believe it!"

(CLOSEUP: HORNET lying facefirst on the ground, his feet covered in blood and his body heaving. STEVENS is bent over on his knees, pounding the pavement with his fists. FELIX and JOE are motionless, KNOX is rolling around in pain…)

O’CONNOR: "What a match…what a WICKED AWESOME match, if I don’t mind being the spokesman for the Boston Garden right now! (CROWD: "ENN-EFF-DUB! ENN-EFF-DUB!") These fans are on their feet, eyes glued to the FRONTIERtron…and Sean Stevens, I’m not sure where he’s going but it’s headed towards the stairwell that Cojones is watching."

H’WOOD: "That could be a good thing."

O’CONNOR: "I’m not sure if you’re representing everyone watching this match with that opinion, Lamont."

H’WOOD: "Like I care what anyone watching thinks…why don’t I start working at soup kitchens, while we’re being ridiculous?"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s crawling and now getting up to his feet, following Sean Stevens who’s actually trying to get pushed away by Cojones Mercado…Stevens is crawling into that bottom stairwell, I’m not sure where that goes. Stevens is willing to risk it and now…"

(CUTTO: Secret Service entering the Presidential Box, whispering something into EDDIE MAYFIELD’s ear. The President nods as other Secret Service start escorting ARMANDO MONTEZUMA and his entourage out of the box…)

O’CONNOR: "That…that can’t be good."

(CUTTO: STEVENS walking up the stairwell, but MERCADO is trying to stand in his path. HORNET and STEVE KNOX come lumbering towards the area…MERCADO starts shouting at security to come over and stop them…STEVENS lands a cheapshot to the gut and MERCADO falls to a knee. STEVENS squirms past as KNOX starts plastering the security as they try to grab him!)

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting loud!) "This is pure chaos! Security and Steve Knox are going at it! Mercado wanted to watch that area and now…Hornet’s hopping towards him…OH! Mercado was about to swing his chair, but Hornet hits a diving forearm right into his jaw! Cojones is down and Hornet’s past him now! Steve Knox just hit a Double STO on the security! Hold up, Joe’s up! Joe’s grabbing Knox from behind! FULL NELSON! NO! (CROWD ROARS!) FULL NELSON SLAM! (CROWD: "F-N-S! F-N-S!") JOE COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! KICKOUT BY KNOX! And oh my…"

(CUTTO: FELIX RED rolling onto his stomach, blood pouring out of his forehead…)

H’WOOD: "Someone get the hose, we’ve got no clue what kind of disease that man can get airborne in Boston!"

O’CONNOR: "Felix’s eyes are glazed over, he may have a serious head or neck injury from that vicious piledriver by Stevens…who I have no clue where he is…"

(CLOSEUP: JTP making his way towards COJONES, pointing at him…COJONES doesn’t risk anything this time, immediately swinging his chair! THWACK! JOE manages to get an arm up to block, not that was good for his arm…COJONES: "YOU NO GET UP! …the stairs, mang. YOU NO GET UP!")

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD BOOS!) "Sweet Mary! Cojones swings that chair again, but Joe moves out of the way! The champ doesn’t look happy, but WAIT WATCH OUT! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH SEVENNNNNNNNNNNNN! AWESOME ARE FOREVER! COJONES IS OUT! COJONES IS OUT!"

H’WOOD: "So, it’s official…we’re gonna have to suspend Steve Knox for knocking out half the referees and security involved in this match. Including two head officials…"

O’CONNOR: "I’d actually say that’s par for the course in a match of this much magnitude in NFW…Bruce Phillips is really all we’ve got left in what little order we’ve got. Knox and Joe are staring each other down near that stairwell, Felix Red is slowly getting to his feet…Knox charging Joe! (cheers!) Right hand by Knox! Another! Joe fights back with a right of his own! They are just covered in blood at this point, but I’m not sure any of it is Knox’s…OH! Bionic Elbow by Joe! Another one puts Knox on one knee…YES! Another puts Knox down on the cement! Joe stepping over him, NO! Knox yanks out Joe’s foot and drops him on the pavement, Knox scrambling up and mounting into a reverse chinlock…correct that! (crowd gets loud!) Knox wailing away with roundhouse shots to the sides of Joe’s head! Felix is coming over and Knox springs into action, LOOK OUT! (LOUD CHEERS!) Felix ducks under a wild right hand and Knox spinned around into a single-leg mule kick into the breadbasket!"

H’WOOD: "And where the hell are Hornet and Stevens? Why is the Presidential Box getting evacuated…"

O’CONNOR: "We still don’t have any cameramen in the area, or a ref! Red is actually heading up that stairwell, now…and it looks like Bruce Phillips is going to follow him! Joe getting up…OH! Knox with a lunging elbow strike to the side of Joe’s head! Joe’s down, Knox grabs him…LOOK OUT! (groans!) Joe goes headfirst into the back tire of the production truck! Now, Knox is headed towards the stairwell…"

(CUTTO: A sectioned off hallway that looks like the upper-echelon skybox area. There’s a few tuxedo waiters, black cocktail dress waitresses. QUICK CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD being ushered out of his skybox into the hallway. All of a sudden, HORNET comes into the picture…)

H’WOOD: "OH GOD."

(CLOSEUP: Secret Service and PRESIDENT MAYFIELD all stopping in their tracks as they’re face-to-face with a blood covered and heavily limping HORNET who seems to be looking at everything in the area, but them. Finally, HORNET makes eye contact with MAYFIELD…THE PRESIDENT takes a look at HORNET’S feet and almost ralphs on the spot.)

SECRET SERVICE MAN: "Excuse me sir! This concession area has been sectioned off only for the Presidential Party!"

HORNET: "NO F(BLEEP!)ING S(BLEEP!)T, does it look like I’m about to order a pizza!?"

MAYFIELD: (smiling oddly) "Is the production truck on fire?"

HORNET: "No, but it’s gonna need a new paintjob and a sh—"

O’CONNOR: "LOOK OUT! (LOUD SCREAMS! CRACK!) NOOOOOOOO! STEVENS WITH A BLINDSIDE CHAIRSHOT! HORNET’S DOWN! Mayfield…Mayfield must have seen Triple X lurking behind Hornet and baited the legend into a Die Hard quote competiton!"

H’WOOD: "John McClain would last a week against Eddie! Then, he’d join him and rightfully take his place at Cojones Mercado’s post!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet could be unconscious and a smiling Sean Stevens tosses the chair away, nodding to an also smiling President. Stevens now pacing around Hornet, OH COME ON! (boos!) Stevens standing on top of Hornet’s bad ankle and lower leg…OH! Double Stomp on it and Hornet’s screaming in pain! Stevens now grabbing Hornet’s foot (crowd gets loud!) Stevens has an Ankle Lock in place! I don’t know if Stevens has worked this move extensively, but judging by Hornet’s screams…I’d believe if he said he did!"

H’WOOD: "Call the match, Mr. President! Call the match! We don’t want to end Hornet’s just burgeoning career! Think of his future!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s grasping at his hair, only ‘cause there’s nothing to get him out of this…he’s trying to crawl towards some seated tables, but OH MAN. (LOUD BOOS!) The Secret Service all just shifted to the right with Mayfield in the middle of them! HERE COMES SOMEBODY! (crowd gets loud!) IT’S BRUCE PHILLIPS! ‘POWERSLIDE’ PHILLIPS, the second official is on the scene! …but that can only mean… (LOUD ROARS!) STEVE KNOX! STEVE KNOX! He’s got Stevens locked in a Cobra Clutch Sleeper! Stevens still has that ankle lock on Hornet! And wait…(MORE CHEERS!) FELIX RED! Felix just leapt onto Knox’s back and locked in a Sleeper Hold of his own! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

H’WOOD: (over crowd "NFW!" chants!) "You just can’t script this kind of madness! I don’t care what anyone in the so-called news media world says about us!"

O’CONNOR: "Bruce Phillips doesn’t know what to do! He can’t check on all these men at the same time, word has it that Greg Herpin has remained in the medical staff room…apparently, he lost a tooth thanks to Steve Knox…and a possibly broken jaw, JEEZ. What was Knox thinking?"

H’WOOD: "And you know how much Eddie hates paying for anyone’s dental insurance unless it’s for a whitening and cleaning job!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens is starting to slump over, but so is Knox! And you can tell that Hornet isn’t in as much pain, but he may be in dire straits if things go awry with the position of his leg in Stevens’ loosening grasp. Hornet’s trying to pull himself out…OHGOD. (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OH DEAR GOD."

(CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER slowly stalking into the scene, nodding his head and smiling. His face is covered in blood… JOE: "UGHHHHHHHHHHHN!" TIME TO GREASE UP THE FRAKKIN’ PARTY!")

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) "Joe charging in! HE JUMPS! (LOUD ROARS!) And London Bridge just fell down, Lamont! Joe tried to jump on Felix’s back, but that was too much for Stevens and Knox to brace up with their fading states of consciousness! And…that doesn’t look pretty for Hornet, either…his leg got caught up in the bottom of the pile and he’s yelling in pain! Felix and Joe look to be getting up first, but Felix is trying to pull out Steve Knox from the fray…Joe’s now got one of Felix’s dreads and swerves him around! BIONIC ELBOW! Felix just went bowlegged for a moment, here comes another elbow…NO! Felix smartly drops out and dropkicks Joe in the knee! Knox rushes at Joe! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) They just broke through those two office doors!"

H’WOOD: "Those weren’t office doors!"

(CUTTO: The crowd, ALL STANDING. Their hands up in the air in victory pose, while JOE THE PLUMBER and STEVE KNOX tumble over chairs in the PRESIDENTIAL BOX!)

O’CONNOR: "That’s the Presidential Skybox that they’re in! THIS IS DANGEROUS, LAMONT! THIS COULD END SOMEONE’S CAREER!"

(CUTTO: Staff and Security quickly rushing out of the entrance area and darting towards the sectioned off area underneath the Presidential Skybox, where the oddly large number of tables nearby has become…not so odd.)

O’CONNOR: "Knox and Joe getting to their feet and Knox thumbs the champ right in the eye! Joe falls over some chairs, but HOLD ON! Felix is in the box and he just jumped off a chair and caught Knox with a spinning leg lariat!"

(QUICK CUTTO: Secret Service hogtossing HORNET into the box, while EDDIE MAYFIELD is shielding himself away from the camera, where he’s helping SEAN STEVENS and giving him something…)

O’CONNOR: "What in the…"

(QUICK FLASH OF STATIC! CUTTO: Back to the Skybox shot! FELIX is punching away on KNOX’s scalp…)

O’CONNOR: "What was going on there!? Get the camera back online!"

H’WOOD: "Looks like there was a technical difficulty there. I’d blame Joe’s body grease connecting to that electrical box ‘causing some shortages…"

O’CONNOR: "Felix standing up, but Joe’s got his hand wrapped around those dreads again! (LOUD CHEERS!) OH! Joe’s got Felix up, NO! JOE DON’T! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHH! Joe just dropped Felix in a spreadeagled on the edge rail of the skybox! Felix is teetering on dropping ten feet! Joe’s stomping around in the box, pointing at Felix! WAIT! NOOOOOOO! (LOUD GROANS!) STEVE KNOX WITH A LOW-BLOW! Joe goes down like he’s shot and Knox is standing up! He’s charging at Felix! (CROWD SCREAMS! LOUD CRASH! MORE SCREAMS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHD! FELIX DUCKED! KNOX WENT UP AND OVAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX in the crop circle of two former wooden tables, his eyes are fluttering in R.E.M. as security and medical personnel rush over…more tables are getting pushed under the skybox by other stadium staff.)

O’CONNOR: "Steve Knox could be dead! Felix Red now standing up, wait Hornet’s up…NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS! LOUD CRASH! CROWD: "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!") Hornet just lifted Felix up and over the edge! Felix goes through a table!"

(CUTTO: Secret Service and PRESIDENT MAYFIELD pushing Bruce Phillips down an escalator, running him towards the backstage ground floor area…)

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s getting up and he charges into Hornet! They’re on the edge, Hornet trying to turn it around so he doesn’t go over first…Joe with a right! Hornet rakes the eyes and that turns Joe around! HOLD ON! (crowd gets loud!) SEAN STEVENS! TRIPLE X is in the box…wait, what’s he going with that!"

(SFX: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "HE JUST BLASTED A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"

(SFX: GONNNNNNNNNG!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD BOOS!) "OHHHHHHHH! HE BATTERING RAMMED JOE’S FACE!"

H’WOOD: "Now that’s how you go into a situation like this!"

O’CONNOR: "With Presidential Preferential Treatment!? Hornet’s trying to regain his sight, but walks up into a SCOOP! Sean Stevens has him over the shoulder and he’s walking towards the edge of the box! (CROWD GETS VERY LOUD!) HE’S GOING TO BODY SLAM HIM OUT OF THE BOX!"

(CUTTO: SECURITY seeing HORNET about to go over the edge, rushing over ‘cause there’s no tables near them to break the fall!)

O’CONNOR: "DON’T DO IT SEAN! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) WOWWWWWWWW! HORNET CRASHES INTO…god knows how many security just broke his fall! But it’s enough that Hornet’s still freaking alive and moving!"

(CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS leaning over the skybox rail, angered by the inability to kill HORNET. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! STEVENS’ head quickly turns around at the fact the skybox is getting smoked out by a fire extinguisher!)

O’CONNOR: "I think Joe’s got that extinguisher…and he’s blasting himself in the face with its spray contents!"

(CUTTO: The continual WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! going strong as the whole skybox has been engulfed by a white powdered air…STEVENS looks at this in shock and starts looking below, CLIMBING ONTO the guardrail…)

O’CONNOR: "Is he gonna jump!? HE’S INSANE! HE’S GONNA JUMP!"

(CUTTO: STEVENS perching on the guardrail, while screams of "UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN! ‘OL JOE IS BREATHING YA IN MUTHA NATCHA!")

CROWD: "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!"

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS looking angrily at the crowd, flipping two birds and…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "STEVENS IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRR! (LOUD SMACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHD!"

H’WOOD: "I…I think I’m gonna be sick."

O’CONNOR: "Sean Stevens went for it all on Hornet! I think he went for a dropkick, but Hornet dove out of the way! Stevens just landed on his back and legs…he’s SCREAMING in pain, medical staff are rushing over!"

H’WOOD: "Sure, they catch Hornet…but they never catch the bad guy!"

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD and Secret Service leading BRUCE PHILLIPS to the destroyed area, where the wrestlers and security are. MAYFIELD stops in complete shock at seeing STEVENS …he darts his head upwards hearing "UGHHHHHHHHHN!" shouted in the skybox. MAYFIELD grumbles "Joe" in Seinfeld/Newman traditions.)

O’CONNOR: "Catch Hornet!? He was tossed on them by Stevens! Hornet’s now limping over…I won’t be surprised if three of these wrestlers are in traction for the rest of their lives after what just ensued! Hornet’s got Stevens’ legs…(LOUD EXPLOSION!) SCORPION DEATHLAHHHHHHHK! HORNET’S LOCKED STEVENS IN ONE OF THE GREATEST FINISHERS OF ALL-TIME! (LOUD BOOS!) MAYFIELD IS TRYING TO HOLD PHILLIPS BACK! (cheers!) Phillips frees himself, although I think Eddie’s resigned to the circumstances!"

H’WOOD: "Stop the progress, President! You don’t need to let Old Yeller live for good ratings! Everyone enjoys a merciless ending!"

O’CONNOR: "Of all the spots that Sean Stevens wanted to be in, I think this is the LAST one he would’ve signed up for! He just dropped at least 10 feet off that skybox to the parquet floor, now Hornet has locked him in a finisher that’s won him over twenty World Championships in a two decade career!"

(CLOSEUP: The crowd, all standing and PHREAKING OUT! HORNET is leaning back with all he’s got as SEAN STEVENS’ crimson face is screaming wildly in pain! BRUCE PHILLIPS asks he wants to give up, but STEVENS refuses adamantly! CROWD: "TAP! TAP! TAP!")

O’CONNOR: "It’s like the National Champioship Series all over again! Will Sean Stevens risk his career, his livelihood, his championships in other federations to win one of the most important matches in wrestling history inside the NFW ring!"

H’WOOD: "Shutup Beanfry! SHUTUP!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD pacing around, looking nervous. STEVENS clasping at his hair tightly, then letting out a loud scream as HORNET tries to arch back further!)

O’CONNOR: "After all that Hornet just survived at Stevens’ hands, this is only poetic justice! Referee Bruce Phillips trying to see if Stevens is going to quit…and HOLD ON! Stevens has his hand up! (crowd gets loud!) He could be reaching his breaking point!"

H’WOOD: "Don’t do it, Sean! Show Lamont and the world what you’re really made of! Now, pull out your hidden aerosol can!"

O’CONNOR: "I don’t think it’s gonna work like that, Woodman!"

H’WOOD: "…Crap."

(CLOSEUP: PHILLIPS asking STEVENS if he wants to stop the match, while STEVENS has his hand above the ground...shaking in pain…until in clenches…and flips the bird at PHILLIPS to crowd roars!)

H’WOOD: "YES! YES! Only the finest heel would refuse to sell a human bee’s submission hold that has NOTHING to do with his species! At least if he called himself Pointed Tail or Sting or something, it’d reference the Scorpion species, but please somebody explain why he chose HORNET? WHAT WAS HE THINKING!? WHY ISN’T HIS FINISHER CALLED THE HONEYDRIPPER!?"

O’CONNOR: "Well, Lamont…he is from Greensboro."

H’WOOD: "Oh, yeahhhhhhh…right…they don’t have schools there. The only course in Biology they’ll ever know is why Cousin Eddie is a reason not to bang your Cousin Nettie, who’s really the daughter of your Cousin Betty and Freddie."

(QUICK CUTTO: Through the thick, dust cloud of extinguisher smoke a raised right fist pops out to crowd roars! Slowly, JOE THE PLUMBER morphs through the fog with his hand in the air and his eyes bulging out like a baboon on crank…looking like he’s taken a deep inhale, a huff of white smoke French exhales through JTP’s twitching nostrils as his face ticks like a hummingbird on a pot of espresso. JOE flicks some blood off his face, then starts climbing on the skybox ledge to crowd roars! CROWD: "JOE! JOE! JOE!" Joe starts balancing… QUICK CUTTO: MAYFIELD shouting at security to form around him, also ordering them to drag medical personnel away from the injured FELIX RED and STEVE KNOX, so he’s completely shielded.)

O’CONNOR: "IT’S THE CHAMP! HE’S LITERALLY RUNNING ON FUMES OF GOD-KNOWS-WHAT, WOODMAN! YOU’VE GOT THE METAPHORICAL LEEWAY THIS TIME!"

H’WOOD: "Metaphorical leeway?! Right now, I’m considering becoming a born-again Christian as long as that bastard doesn’t eat my soul tonight…or hurt the President."

O’CONNOR: "Triple X looks like he may pass out at any moment! He’s been in that hold for over two minutes by now…it’s not like he’s had a respite from that damaging fall! Joe’s staring down at Eddie…who being the BRAVE PRESIDENT has pulled all twenty staffworkers around him in a impenetrable cocoon!"

(CUTTO: JTP swaying and standing on the ledge of the skybox, while the crowd chants "JOE! JOE! JOE!" JTP starts nodding and looks up at the lights, "TROJAN MAN! JOHN TROJAN! UGHHHHHHHHHHN! THIS IS FOR OLD MAN PLUMMAH! I AM MORE MAN THAN UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU!")

O’CONNOR: "Joe is just shouting insanity towards the rafters, an obvious byproduct of huffing every unimaginable chemical in this world or Rite-Aid…and god knows how many shots to the head!"

(CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS reaching up towards the rafters, screaming in intense pain! "TAP! TAP! TAP!" echoing from the fans near the scene, as BRUCE PHILLIPS stands next to HORNET… watching, waiting… Suddenly and accompanied by crowd screams, STEVENS’ body slumps into unconsciousness! PHILLIPS rushes over and leans down, grabbing his hand and raising it in the air…)

O’CONNOR: "This could be it! THIS COULD BE IT! Stevens’ hand drops once! (CROWD: "JUMP JOE JUMP!") Stevens’ hand drops…TWICE! (CROWD ROARS!) IT DROPPED TWICE! PHILLIPS’ RAISES IT A THIRD TIME! JOE HASN’T JUMPED! HE’S STILL SLAPPING HIMSELF IN A FRENZY! …a THIRD time!?"

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ face shooting upwards as he forces his hand from the rafters, struggling intensely to keep his hand up!)

O’CONNOR: "STEVENS KEEPS THE HAND UP! HE WON’T QUIT! HE WON’T SURRENDER!"

H’WOOD: "I don’t think he’s gonna live much longer, either! JOE’S GONNA JUMP!"

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION! CROWD: "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!") OH. MY. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! JOE JUMPED! HE WENT FOR THE BIONIC ELBOW…BUT HORNET BROUGHT BRUCE PHILLIPS IN FOR TENUOUS COVER AT BEST! (CROWD: "EN-EFF-DUB! EN-EFF-DUB!" redux) EVERYONE’S DOWN! EVERYONE’S OUT! WE DON’T HAVE A REF! I REPEAT…WE DO NOT HAVE A REF!"

(QUICK CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD peeping out from the human bunker, his eyes bulging out as he sees all six men down on the parquet floor and the fans in hysterics! MAYFIELD burrows out, gets up to a standing base quickly and surveys the situation while adjusting his tie. Into the scene, come COJONES MERCADO and few more Secret Service agents. MAYFIELD starts almost swings at COJONES and then points towards the ring…)

O’CONNOR: (over crowd buzz!) "The President he’s directing his Secret Service and Cojones Mercado to pick up the wrestlers in the match, god knows what this is all about…"

H’WOOD: "Maybe its Survive the Execution portion of this match?"

O’CONNOR: "At 90 minutes in…are we sure that wasn’t a clause in the President’s contract? (crowd still buzzing…) It actually looks like they’re taking them to ringside, which may actually be a smart move by our esteemed President."

H’WOOD: "Can’t you just applaud the man for once in your bitter life?"

O’CONNOR: "Well, notoriously getting left behind is Referee Bruce Phillips. And let’s face it Woodman, Joe and Hornet are getting kicked and shoved down the aisle, while Knox and Red are being pushed. Meanwhile, Stevens has a couple secret service agents helping him…"

H’WOOD: "You can tell who’s the good tipper, that’s all that’s about. These guys watch cars too, Beansprout. No wonder your car keeps getting keyed."

O’CONNOR: "…I’ve never, ever told you about that. How did you know? (pause) Oh jesus, Lamont. I’ve spent thousands!"

H’WOOD: "It wasn’t me! It was…uhhh…I think Cojones told me about some security cam footage…"

O’CONNOR: "Red and Knox are back in the ring, Joe’s lumbering along the aisleway…and Hornet’s not even close right now, he can barely walk. Stevens is being helped to a chair at ringside, that’s just rich…"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and MERCADO watching medical staff try to revive PHILLIPS, but not having any luck…)

O’CONNOR: "Red and Knox are in the ring and on their backs…I mean, how could any of these wrestlers stand at this point…the ladder and barbed wire still in the ring, mind you…wait. WAIT! (crowd cheers!) Felix is crawling towards Knox! He’s going for the cover on him, but there’s no ref!"

(CUTTO: RED slowly slapping the mat a couple of times, which KNOX reacts to on instinct by shooting a shoulder up…)

O’CONNOR: "We don’t have a referee! Herpin got his brain dislodged by Steve Knox…Phillips is down and out from Joe’s insane jump out of the skybox…and now, Joe’s getting inside the ring with Felix and Knox. Here comes Joe! (cheers!) Overhand right to Felix! Felix with a right to the gut! Felix up…and rakes the eyes of the champion! Joe staggering away and Knox struggling up…Felix has Knox up onto his shoulders! (crowd gets loud!) KNOX HAS NOWHERE TO GO! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) ECSTASY OF THE AGONY! THE FAIR SHAKE INTO A SITOUT DOMINATOR!"

H’WOOD: "And Armando Montezuma may have just gotten sick seeing that!"

O’CONNOR: "Red covers! BUT THERE’S NO REF! Felix slapping his hand on the mat, but he’s getting nothing on this…OH! Joe rushing over with a stomp to the back of Felix’s head…another stomp! Hornet’s still not even at ringside and he’s actually getting taped up by some medical staff. Joe lifting up Felix by his dreads and delivers a Bionic Elbow! Felix staggering around and boot to the gut! Felix should have just won this match, now he’s in big trouble! POWER—NO! (LOUD CHEERS! CRACK! CROWD GROANS!) HURRICANRANA BY FELIX! Joe just flipped up and over into the ladder! Felix getting up, Knox getting up...LOOK OUT! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH EIGHT! GOLD RUSH EIGHT! THE AWESOME TAKES MANHATTAN! THE AWESOME TAKES MANHATTAN!"

H’WOOD: "We still don’t have a ref, Beansprouts! I don’t know why you’re so excited!"

O’CONNOR: "Knox has Felix covered, he’s slapping his hand on the mat!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and COJONES looking around frantically…the PRESIDENT looking for a solution to a huge problem with PHILLIPS still out of it…)

MAYFIELD: "Where the hell’s Roland Priest, he’s a referee!"

MERCADO: (scratching his head) "NO HERE. EXECUTED."

MAYFIELD: "Damnit! What about Speranza?"

MERCADO: "NO WORK WITH NO BENEFITS."

MAYFIELD: "DAMN! It’s not my fault his union asked for vision! I said they miss all the calls anyway…AH F(BLEEP!)K THIS!"

(MAYFIELD rushes over to PHILLIPS, while taking off his suit jacket and tie.)

O’CONNOR: "What’s Eddie doing? What’s the President thinking of doing?"

H’WOOD: "I don’t know, I’m a little frightened that he may be leaping into something without looking out for himself…"

O’CONNOR: "Is…Is he putting on the referee’s shirt!?"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD donning PHILLIPS’ ref shirt and running down the aisle! The crowd jumping up and down in a frenzy in the background…)

O’CONNOR: "I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!"

H’WOOD: "Never doubt your President, Beansprout! He’s always looking out for his company!"

O’CONNOR: "I highly doubt this, but Mayfield’s running like I’ve never seen before…he slides into the ring, Knox is screaming at him! Mayfield with the count! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! (w/ crowd) TWOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) Oh come on!"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD bent over, hacking and coughing…KNOX screaming at him to count 3! MAYFIELD lunges and goes for it!)

O’CONNOR: "THRRRRRRRRRNO! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX KICKS OUT! FELIX KICKED OUT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing and coughing out his black tarred lungs, pulling out a pack of Camels from the front pocket of his referee’s shirt…all of a sudden, STEVE KNOX is on his feet and pushing him into the corner!)

H’WOOD: "DISQUALIFICATION! DISQUALIFICATION! AWARD THE MATCH TO SOMEONE!"

O’CONNOR: "Mayfield is coughing all over Knox and this isn’t helping, but that man might! (LOUD ROARS!) HORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH! JOE HITS THE HORNET SPLASH! Mayfield ducked out of the way and Knox turned right into it! Knox staggering around the ring…BOOT TO THE GUT! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S GOING FOR IT ALL! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) SH(BLEEP!)T RIVER UGHHHHHHHHHHHN! PLUNGE! THE TIGAH DRIVAH HITS! JOE COVERS! HE’S GOT HIM PINNED! (LOUD BOOS!) No…NO…COME ON MAN! COME ON!"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD oblivious to the situation, shakily lighting up a Camel Cigarette. Trash starts flying into the ring as MAYFIELD turns around and his eyes open up widely, the cigarette dangling from his lips…)

O’CONNOR: "Joe hasn’t looked up and seen who the ref is, he’s just headbanging and yelling ONE! TWO! THREE! Over and over again!"

H’WOOD: "Run Eddie…run now while you’re alive…"

O’CONNOR: "NOBODY EXPECTED THIS! NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND THOUGHT THIS COULD HAPPEN!"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD shaking his head no repeatedly, falling to his knees…)

O’CONNOR: "ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!"

(MAYFIELD shouts "ONE!" takes a puff, slaps his hand a second time…)

O’CONNOR: "TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

(JOE starts sniffing around and then swerves his head to make eye contact with MAYFIELD, who’s shouting "TWO!" after taking a second puff on his cigarette. JTP screams "UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN!" MAYFIELD immediately leaps to his feet in indescribable fear as JTP jumps up with innumerable hatred…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) "NO JOE! DON’T DO THIS! He’s chasing President Mayfield around the ring, he totally forgot or didn’t care that Mayfield was counting the pinfall for this match… (LOUD CHEERS!) JOE’S GOT EDDIE’S COLLAR! He spins him around and swings a wild right, but Eddie dodges out of way…OHNO. NO, JOE…he’s got Eddie in the corner…MEANWHILE! SEAN STEVENS HAS ROLLED IN THE RING! He’s got Knox by the legs… (CROWD SCREAMS!) SCORPION DEATHLOCK! HE’S GOT STEVE KNOX IN HORNET’S FINISHER! That’s…That’s three SIGNATURES of this match in a row to Steve Knox!"

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET pushing away medics as they try to keep taping up his feet and injured ankle/lower leg. He starts limping quickly towards the ring. On the other screen, PRESIDENT MAYFIELD is pleading for his life as JTP has him cornered and gripped by the ref shirt lapels…In the background, STEVENS has an unconscious KNOX in the Scorpion!)

H’WOOD: "You gotta wonder where Ivy learned this move and where she taught it, Beansprouts!"

O’CONNOR: "Felix Red is stumbling to his feet and walking along the apron, while Hornet’s on the opposite apron…Joe’s still hanging onto Eddie!"

(CUTTO: KNOX letting out a yell of pain, which snaps JOE out of his glaring staredown at PRESIDENT MAYFIELD who’s trying to tell him to relax. JTP looks him up and down, "Nice frakkin’ shirt…" JTP turns around towards KNOX, his eyes widening and his hands releasing MAYFIELD immediately. JOE: "I THOUGHT I SMELLED SOME HEAT ACTIVATION!")

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s rushing towards Stevens from behind! (cheers!) HE’S GOT HIM BY THE HAIR! (MORE CHEERS!) STEVENS SENT UP AND OVER THE TOP! Meanwhile, Felix Red is climbing the top rope! Joe rolling Knox over for the pin! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS!) FEEEEEEELIX FLIES! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD GROANS! LOUD BOOS!) SHATTERED HORIIIIIIZON! SWANTAHHHHHHHHHN BOMMMMMMMMMMMB! OHMYGAHD! OH MY FREAKING GOD! Mayfield leapt out of the way, he didn’t count the three! Joe leapt out of the way, so Steve Knox might be FREAKING DEAD!"

H’WOOD: "He’s certainly looking like something dead may crawl out of him at any moment too…"

O’CONNOR: "Mayfield’s nervously smoking, Hornet’s limping into the ring – WHOA! (LOUD POP!) FELIX WITH A KIPUP! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX KICK! He caught Hornet right in the face and the legend falls down and almost out of the ring! Felix jumps onto Knox and covers! ONE! WHOA! (crowd roars!) Joe pulls Eddie away and grabs Felix by the dreads! LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) Joe tried to toss Felix out of the ring, but he didn’t see the former World Champion hang on! Felix is skinning the cat, while Joe falls on top of Knox! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) Felix pulls Eddie out of the way, I don’t think the President likes this!"

H’WOOD: "I think he’s just afraid someone’s going to steal his Italian leather…"

O’CONNOR: "Joe on his feet and he’s in Felix’s grill…OH! Quick kneestrike by Felix! He caught Joe right in the gut and another quick kneelift! Joe on the mat, hold up! Stevens back in the ring! Felix better turn around… (LOUD GROANS!) OH! Vicious Roaring Elbow to the back of the head, Felix off the ropes…his back to Stevens again and OHNO! (LOUD ROARS!) Stevens tried to toss Felix out of the ring and he’s skinning the cat again, but Stevens is waiting for him! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) Stevens hits a running kneestrike sending Felix flying and into the guardrail!"

H’WOOD: "That’s important to show that Stevens is the only one using his ring smarts right now, ‘cause someone needs to pull this out already and I don’t think any of them have anything left in the tank!"

O’CONNOR: "Steve Knox looks like dead weight in Joe’s hands…OH NO! (LOUD SMACK! CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS FIRED THE X-FACTOR SUPERKICK! JOE MOVED! …KNOX DIDN’T!"

H’WOOD: "But he so AWESOMELY collapsed OUTSIDE the ring, which doesn’t help my President or my pick to win this match!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet can BARELY stand…Felix is trying to get up. Knox…seriously, he could be dead. In the ring, this may be what EVERYONE wanted to see right now… (crowd getting LOUD! STOMPS! CLAPS!) Stevens and Joe the Plumber are standing across the ring from each other, bloody…battered…and 94 minutes into what is more than ANYONE could have asked for in this dream supermatch. (LOUD ROARS!) JOE CHARGES! (groans!) Stevens moves out of the way, Joe puts on the brakes before hitting that ladder! (CRACK!) But Stevens helps him by smacking his head into hit! Joe teetering, Stevens grabs him by the head! (GROANS!) REVERSE NECKBREAKER! Stevens with a quick cover! ONE! TWO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) THRNO! (BOOS!) C’MON, THAT COUNT WAS FAST!"

H’WOOD: "It looked perfectly in line with his other counts!"

O’CONNOR: "I didn’t see a cigarette break taking place…"

H’WOOD: "He’s still smoking!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens yelling in frustration, but making sure to nod at the Presidential Referee for the…completely normal pinfall count according to my analyst over here. Stevens has Joe by the hair…he’s got Joe reeling into a standing headscissors, I think he’s going for the Tiger Driver! He’s going for JOE’S move! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) JOE’S TRYING TO FIGHT IT! (LOUD ROARS!) HE’S GOT STEVENS UP, BUT STEVENS HAS HIS ARMS! (CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS HAS JOE IN A SUNSET FLIP! ONE! TWO! (SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOO! JOE KICKS OUT! Both men scrambling up and Triple-X with an inside cradle! ONE! TWO! REVERSED! ONE! …C’MON! TWOOOOO! …NO! REVERSED! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT!"

H’WOOD: "Can we award this match on points? I wanted to go to bed before next year…"

O’CONNOR: "Both men up and Joe with his own sunset flip! (LOUD BOOS!) C’mon Eddie, you can catch your breath later! (BOOS!) Stevens already kicks out before Eddie’s even in shape to count, he’s puffing that cigarette like its an asthma inhaler!"

H’WOOD: "Don’t judge the President, Beanfry…he knows his body, he knows what clears thoses airways…"

O’CONNOR: "Both men are up and Stevens swings a wild right! Joe ducks! JOE’S GOING FOR A BACKSLIDE! (LOUD BOOS! JOE SCREAMS!) EDDIE PUT HIS CIGARETTE OUT ON JOE’S HEAD! (LOUD ROARS!) THAT ONLY HELPED JOE! HE’S SCREAMING LIKE A WILD MAN! (CROWD CHEERS!) He’s got Stevens over! ONNNNNNE! …COME ON! TWOOOOOOO! No! (BOOS!) He’s not counting as fast, not by a longshot! Stevens kicks out and Joe’s stomping around frustrated as all hell and I can’t blame him… (CROWD: "BULLLLLLLLSHIT!" repeat) Joe points at Eddie and makes a cutthroat motion! (CROWD ROARS!) Stevens is already up and walks right into a boot by Joe! Joe’s hooking him around the head…"

(CLOSEUP: JOE screaming "LET’S BUST A BRAIN LIKE I BUST BONNIE MAYFIELD’S INNER TUBING WITH MY UGHHHHHHHN! MONKEY WRENCH!")

O’CONNOR: "Joe’s got Stevens up, I think it could be a for a Brainb—WHAT THE HELL? (CROWD SCREAMS!) What an athletic move by Stevens! He spinned out and landed behind Joe in a Reverse DDT…WAIT! He’s got Joe UP…AND OVERRRRRRRR! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) X-TERMINATORRRRRRRRR! THE OSAKA STREET CUTTER STRIKES JOE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!"

(TRI-SCREEN ACTION! HORNET shakily climbing the turnbuckles on one side, FELIX RED woozily climbing the other turnbuckles and SEAN STEVENS slowly crawling towards JTP!)

O’CONNOR: "THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL!"

H’WOOD: "I don’t like what’s setting up one bit!"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens has covered Joe! He’s slamming his hand on the mat, but Eddie’s fixated on Hornet and Felix climbing the ropes! (LOUD BOOS!) He’s shaking the ropes! (LOUD GROANS!) OH! HORNET SPREADEAGLES! Felix holding on for dear life, but still alright! Stevens yelling for a pin! Eddie drops in! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! FELIX IS IN THE AIR! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) EDDIE MOVED THEM! EDDIE MOVED THEM! Felix went for the SWANTON BOMB SHATTERED HORIZON…and Eddie lunged into Stevens and Joe, rolling them out of the area! FELIX IS OUT!"

H’WOOD: "Easy, Sean…Easy…"

O’CONNOR: "Now, Stevens is arguing with Eddie and slapping his hands three times instead of recovering Joe! Now…he does! WILL THIS BE IT!?"

H’WOOD: "Oh boy…I hope so NOW."

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD ROARS!) "I don’t think Eddie liked what Sean just had to say to him about his arithmetic. He’s lighting up a cigarette before counting and points at Sean. ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEENO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY TOOK TOO LONG! STEVENS AND MAYFIELD LET JOE STAY IN THE GAME! THEY LET EVERYONE STAY IN!"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD already on his feet, eyes wide open and in shock. STEVENS looks at the PRESIDENT incredulously, then down at JOE…)

O’CONNOR: "Stevens on his feet and he blasts Felix with a kick to the head knocking him out of the ring, where Steve Knox is just regaining consciousness possibly…in the ring, Sean Stevens… (crowd gets loud!) He’s got that ladder! LOOK OUT! (CRACK! CROWD BOOS!) HE JUST SLAMMED IT ON JOE! Stevens is on the apron and climbing the top rope now… (crowd gets loud!) Stevens going all the way up!"

H’WOOD: "I’m nervous, Beansprouts…something doesn’t seem right!"

O’CONNOR: (over SCREAMS!) "STEVENS IN THE AIRRRRRRRR! (LOUD CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHD! DOUBLE PUMP FROG SPLASH! STEVENS KILLED JOE! I THINK HE KILLED HIM!"

H’WOOD: "I…I think he killed himself…"

O’CONNOR: "Stevens is rolling around the ring in agony…the ladder’s dented and covering an unconscious World Champion! Mayfield’s even trying to help Stevens over to Joe! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) MAYFIELD HAS HIM ON THE LADDER AND JOE!"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD dusting off his hands after placing TRIPLE X on top of JTP, while STEVENS coughs violently and shakes spastically. JTP’s foot twitches a couple times, nothingmore. MAYFIELD takes a long, satisfied drag on his cigarette and drops down to count…)

H’WOOD: "The end is NIGH on Joe the Plumber and the cult, drugged out and criminal fans of New Frontier! I couldn’t be more happy to see this man do it!"

O’CONNOR: "Uh…I wouldn’t say that just yet, Woodman!"

H’WOOD: "What now!?"

(CUTTO: HORNET trying to steady himself on the top rope that he just crushed his nuts on. His injured leg keeps nearly buckling as he can’t find a balance… CROWD: "DON’T DIE PAUL! DON’T DIE PAUL!")

H’WOOD: "Oh no."

O’CONNOR: "ONNNNNNNNNE!! HORNET NEEDS TO GET GOING!"

(CUTTO: HORNET lets go of the corner ropes, standing up straight and closing his eyes. He takes a deep inhale, making a sign to the Lord…and then opening his eyes with a smile…"YIPEE-KAY-AY…" We all know the rest.)

H’WOOD: "Oh no, oh no…"

O’CONNOR: (w/ crowd!) "TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) HORNET’S IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRRRR! (H’WOOD: "OH. NO." CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) SHOOTING STAR PRESSSSSSS! NO F’N WAY! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHD! HORNET CRUSHED STEVENS…THE LADDER…AND THE CHAMP!"

H’WOOD: "This is cruel…this is madness…"

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD, his hand still raised to come down a THIRD and FINAL time…the Camel hanging off his bottom lip. MAYFIELD gazes blankly in shock, while HORNET pulls STEVENS off of the ladder…and then picks up the ladder.)

O’CONNOR: "Hornet’s got the ladder and (groans!) He just threw it out of the ring on Knox…that’s just a cherry on top of the cupcake."

H’WOOD: "This…is insanity…"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet…limping towards Eddie Mayfield who’s now on his feet."

(CLOSEUP: HORNET using the ropes for balance, his face bloody…he leans down and picks up the halo razorwire that used to be on JOE’s head. HORNET: "I don’t want there to be trouble, Mr. President." MAYFIELD gulps, but then watches HORNET toss the wire onto the champ…who’s completely motionless.)

O’CONNOR: "Hornet falling to his knees…and… (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S COVERING TRIPLE X! SEAN STEVENS MAY AS WELL BE DEAD! HORNET COVERS! ONNNNNNE! (w/ CROWD!) TWOOOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET WINS! HORNET WI—WAIT NO! NOOOOOO! NO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVENS GOT A SHOULDER UP! (LOUD GROANS!) …and…and I’ll give it to him…that was a LEGIT count by the President!"

H’WOOD: "I can’t take this Beanfry, I’m gonna puke…I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna call Paul Tonelli and talk about the days when this insanity would get us deported to Thailand in exchange for a twelve pack of Coors and circus monkeys!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet CAN’T believe it himself! He’s STARING HOLES at Mayfield, who’s only shrugging in complete…and all-too obvious happy surprise. Hornet…(crowd gets loud!) He’s rolling Stevens out of the ring from his knees…shaking his head in disbelief. (CROWD GETTING LOUDER!) That’s leaving him ALONE with JOE. You can’t…I can’t…Hornet’s standing up slowly and limping towards the unconscious champion."

(CLOSEUP: HORNET stalking towards JOE, PRESIDENT MAYFIELD following and his cigarette quivering on his lips…HORNET leans down and lifts up both of JOE’S legs in his hands…the crowd starts roaring, the scene playing out as they always dreamed! HORNET looks up to the lights and then around at the crowd and starts nodding with a wry grin.)

O’CONNOR: "THE SCORPION DEATHLOCK! Hornet’s going for the Scorpion!"

H’WOOD: "Well, don’t just stand there…get it over with! At least you’re the lesser of two evils, you middle-aged freak of pillpopping greatness!"

O’CONNOR: "Hornet stepping through with his leg!"

H’WOOD: (over LOUD CHEERS!) "NONONONONONO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

O’CONNOR: "WHAT THE!? (CROWD ROARS!) JOE’S GOT HORNET’S LEG! JOE’S ALIVE! HE’S ALIIIIIIIVE! HORNET BUCKLES! HORNET’S DOWN! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) WAIT! YESSSSSSSSSSSS! THE LOCKJAWWWWWWW! JOE’S ANKLE LOCK! HE’S GOT HIS LEGS WRAPPED AROUND HORNET’S TORSO… HORNET’S CINCHED IN! …there’s no way to go, except ACROSS the ring."

H’WOOD: "Just…just don’t tap! Someone’s still alive…RIGHT!?"

CROWD: "TAP! TAP! TAP!"

H’WOOD: "Hornet’s always caved towards the fans, he’s gonna listen to them!"

O’CONNOR: "He’s trying not to and Eddie Mayfield’s looking outside the ring where Felix Red, Steve Knox and Sean Stevens…they’re all still down."

(CLOSEUP: HORNET screaming violently! PRESIDENT MAYFIELD kneeling with him and grabbing his hands… MAYFIELD: "You can do this soldier! I won’t let you tap…someone will save you! As your President, I promise that…")

O’CONNOR: "Hornet swinging at the President, now clutching and clawing at himself in pain! Can Hornet hold on…can he…(LOUD ROARS!) JOE’S BITING! HE’S BITING HORNET! OH MY GOD! …wait…are you SERIOUS!? ("JOE! JOE! JOE!") HE’S GOT THE RAZORWIRE IN HIS MOUTH AND BITES BACK INTO HORNET!"

H’WOOD: "Yup…I’m back to the puking stage."

O’CONNOR: "I’ve never seen Hornet in this much pain! Sean Stevens dug the hole… (LOUD SCREAMS!) And I think Joe might cover the grave! HORNET MIGHT HAVE PASSED OUT! HE MIGHT HAVE PASSED OUT! (CROWD: "JOE! JOE! JOE!" repeat) Mayfield doesn’t know what to do, he saw Hornet’s head just lull forward and bounce off the mat…there was only so much he could take in this hold! Joe’s still biting and knawing, twisting and torquing that ravaged, cracked and shredded ankle and leg of Hornet…"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD defeatedly falling to his knees and picking up HORNET’s arm in the air one time…IT DROPS. The crowd ROARS in response! MAYFIELD’s lips start quivering…)

O’CONNOR: "I don’t believe what we’re watching…"

H’WOOD: "I don’t believe any of this, it’s just a bad dream…"

O’CONNOR: "President Mayfield raises Hornet’s arm a second time… (the crowd vacuums into silence, waiting…) YESSSSSSSSS! (CROWD ROARS!) IT DROPS! IT’S DROPPED TWICE! Wait, WHOA! Eddie’s on his feet!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD on his feet, pacing around the ring and possibly making a deal with Buddha, Christ, John Smith and Ali Baba to keep the match going. He drops down to HORNET again, slowly picking up his arm…the crowd starts SCREAMING!)

O’CONNOR: "COME ON, DO IT EDDIE! DO IT!"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD closing his eyes and dropping the arm.)

O’CONNOR: "WILL IT DROP?!?! (LOUD CROWD EXPLOSION!) YESSSSSSSSSSSS! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! RING THE BELL! RING THE BELL!"

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD opening with one eye, HORNET’S hand splayed on the mat. EDDIE starts clenching his fists and slitting his eyes, trying to push down the anger…he bows his head…)

O’CONNOR: "RING THE BELL! RING THE FREAKING BELL!"

H’WOOD: "Don’t do it, Eddie! THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE MUST STRIKE BACK!"

(SFX: BELL RINGING! CROWD EXPLOSION! CUEUP: Those damn, dirty dogs barking!)

CROWD: "JOE! JOE! JOE!"

O’CONNOR: "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT’S OVAHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT A MATCH! HOLY MARYMOTHEROFMERCY! JOE THE PLUMBAH! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S RETAINED! THIS IS HISTORY! I DON’T BELIEVE IT!"

SIMS (V/O): "At 101 minutes, the winner by submission and STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) ENN-EFF-DOUBLE YOUUUUUUUUU CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRRLD! JOE! THE! PLUMMMMMMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

O’CONNOR: "Joe the Plumber is NFW World Heavyweight Champion and PRESIDENT EDDIE MAYFIELD…HAHA! HE HAS NO CHOICE! He can only watch his hands…present JOE THE PLUMBER with the NFW World Championship…ONE! MORE! TIME!"

H’WOOD: "Alright Beanfry! We get it! SHUT! THE! HELL! UP!"

(CUTTO: Officials handing MAYFIELD the NFW World Championship, while the PRESIDENT angrily puffs on a newly lit Camel, while O.D.B. blasts on the arena speakers… All the wrestlers are still lying on the ground…)

O’CONNOR: "What a scene. What a night. What an end…"

(WIRE-CAM: Thousands of Garden fans jumping up in victory, many applauding. QUICK CUTTO: MAYFIELD walking into the middle of the ring, when suddenly... … drumroll please… . .. … …. ….. .. . . .EVERYTHING GOES BLACK.)

O’CONNOR: "WHAT THE!?"

H’WOOD: "I can’t see a thing, Beanfry…I feel like a pilot in the Dagobah system!"

O’CONNOR: "We’ve got thousands of camera flashes, but OBVIOUSLY this is something that…I don’t think these are technical difficulties, but we are in PITCH darkness right now. We’ve seen executive executions and I can only pray that…"

(CUTTO: Finally, the lights come on. Cameras are swerving everywhere as they CUTTO, then QUICK CUT until they finally…are able to focus on one single man in the center of the wrestling ring. In the time, the viewer recognizes the image on their television screen …so does KERRY O’CONNOR and thousands of BOSTON GARDEN fans. They all scream, but lucky for us…O’CONNOR screams a name.)

O’CONNOR: "RYYYYYYYYYYYYYAN! OH MY GOD! DAN RYAN’S IN THE GARDEN! DAN RYAN’S HERE! (slight pause) …DAN RYAN’S HERE!?"

H’WOOD: "RUN EDDIE! RUN FOR YOUR FORKING LIFE!"

(CLOSEUP: RYAN looks around at the carnage in the ring, sporting an Andre Johnson Pro Bowl jersey, blue jeans, black boots. His black sunglasses hide what he’s looking at or more importantly for…until his head stops and he smiles.)

O’CONNOR: "He’s helping up Joe! (crowd gets loud!) Ryan’s raising Joe to his feet (CHEERS!) He’s patting him on the back, I don’t know what he’s whispering in his ear, but it looks like he’s smiling and offering congratu-- NO! NO! (The crowd starts screaming!) NOOOOOO! VICIOUS KNEE TO THE GUT! RYAN REELS JOE RIGHT IN! DON’T DO IT, DAN! DON’T DO IT! (LOUDER SCREAMS!) RYAN HAS JOE UHHHHHHHHHHP! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) NOOOOOOOOO! HUMILITY BOMB! OH MY FREAKING GAHD! HOLY MARY OF RICHMOND! (MORE BOOS!) JOE’S DEAD! HE’S GOT TO BE DEAD!"

H’WOOD: "Y’know, all things considered I’m torn right now…I’m kinda happy Stevens DIDN’T win now! I’m sh(BLEEP!)t scared for Mayfield right now…and Sweet Judas is Dan Ryan striking the iron’s, while it’s freaking nuclear!"

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD’s eyes are bugging out! He’s looking for escape routes, back at RYAN and clutching the belt. RYAN slowly turns his head, then his body and turns with a bloodlusting shark’s smile in the direction of MAYFIELD. The PRESIDENT acknowledges the now made eye contact he wished he never made, sighing nervously and walking towards RYAN while extending his hand for a shake.)

H’WOOD: "Oh, Eddie…we can’t negotiate with Texans! That’s just crazy! DON’T BE A PROGRESSIVE! DON’T BE A FOOL!"

O’CONNOR: "Ryan’s looking Mayfield up and down…"

(CLOSEUP: RYAN smiles and shakes MAYFIELD’s hand to BOOS! As the crowd boos, MAYFIELD pulls out a cigarette and prepares to light it…Suddenly, MAYFIELD screams, falls to his knees in pain and his eyes nearly pop out! MAYFIELD drops the championship belt to try and pry his hand out of RYAN’s deathgrip of a handshake, the crowd getting louder!)

H’WOOD: "I knew it! It was a suicide for Eddie to do that! This isn’t fair, Beanfry…Eddie made this guy and this is how he repays him!?"

O’CONNOR: "Security is rushing ringside! (crowd gets loud!) Ryan rips Mayfield up and (cheers!) delivers a right hand that sends MAYFIELD packing towards the ropes!"

H’WOOD: "Oh, Eddie…why’d you have to be so diplomatic!?"

O’CONNOR: (over boos!) "Mayfield flipped out of the ring, rather than take a big boot that was ready for his face on Dan Ryan’s end! (BOOS!) Ryan’s yelling at Eddie, who’s scampering away… (MORE BOOS!) …and now, Dan Ryan…is STARING DOWN THE BELT."

(CLOSEUP: DAN RYAN leans down and picks up the NFW World Championship, looks at it for a moment…walks over to JOE THE PLUMBER and dumps the title belt across his chest. QUICK CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS watching in a groggy anger from outside the ring… QUICK CUTTO: Back to RYAN, who takes a step ON JTP’s face as he exits the ring, getting more crowd boos!)

O’CONNOR: "Oh man. I’ve seen statements, Woodman…I’ve seen the air ripped right out of an arena, but I’ve never seen anything like this. DAN RYAN’S BACK…"

(CUTTO: RYAN walking up the entrance ramp to LOUD BOOS! CUTTO: MAYFIELD is being rushed backstage by a flock of Secret Service. CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER on his back with the NFW World Championship unceremoniously dumped across his heaving chest, the crowd booing loudly in the background. CLOSEUP: DAN RYAN at the top of the ramp, looking back one more time at the ring before exiting…)

O’CONNOR: "Where in the hell are we supposed to go from here? Nothing’s settled is it? I feel like a helicopter just sprayed down a forest fire with gunpowder…"

H’WOOD: "This place is OUT OF CONTROL, Beanfry. Everything that happened tonight, this SMOKEOUT…this was supposed to be the end…this was supposed to mark EDDIE’S AGE OF EXECUTIVE EXCELLENCE!"

O’CONNOR: "Fans…we’re out of time. We’re out of words. We’re out beyond anything this sport will ever repeat again or perhaps even be able to. And we’re out somewhere that has the NEW FRONTIER continuing a descent into VIOLENT MADNESS that nothing can stop."

H’WOOD: "Eddie needs to change things, we need control."

(CUTTO: EDDIE getting rushed into the PRESIDENTIAL LIMO! Before getting stuffed in, he turns around holding his hand and looks behind him. ""I'LL BANKRUPT THIS COMPANY TO MAKE YOU GET IT!" Secret Service shoves MAYFIELD into the vehicle and The Presidential Limo peels out of the parking lot, nearly fishtailing into nearby cars!)

O’CONNOR: "For Lamont Hollywood and the rest of New Frontier Wrestling, I’m KERRY O’CONNOR and you have witnessed GROUND ZERO! You have survived CRASH TV!"

(FADE TO BLACK.)

• a long time ago... - Written by
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• You've reached Ground Zero... - Written by
• Wildstar vs. Dorchester Stratton - Written by GG
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• in a galaxy far, far away... - Written by
• Hollywood Wrecking Crew (c) vs... - Written by
• Biff Busey and the NHB finally die...fo reelz~! - Written by
• Rook Black (c) vs. Doc Curiosity - Written by Brandyn
• THE BUNKHOUSE BRAWL - Written by
• Consummation - Written by Eh?
• ALL-STAR LEGACY CHALLENGE - Written by
• Impulse (c) vs. Castor Strife - Written by BFF
• And now...YOUR MAIN EVENT. - Written by
• PENTAGRAM CHAMPIONSHIP MAIN EVENT - Written by
• Ground Zero - Written by

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